a question of love

Off-Topic Chat
1

I know this is a bit different, probably soppy too but I could do with some help/thoughts.

I'm 25 and my gf is 24, we have been together for 8 months and still live at our own places. We have spoke about moving in together though, she seems excited for that as do I. We haven't had loads of partners before so it's newish to us both, been patient find the one we both want for something long term.

She has told me she wants a me for life, wants everything with me, even a family someday. We are both career minded and concentrating on that first.

She has told me she loves me just lately after about 8 month, and I love her and told her.

However, I don't no why but I am struggling a bit with a few things and I know it's just me....

I'm worried that she may find someone better than me and want them instead.

Often we have a few drinks on a Friday with her work mates but she likes an hour or 2 alone with them before I come along and I sometimes worry that maybe she is embarrassed by me, or wants some fun before I come along and bore her, or even that maybe she prefers there company.

Also she, is meeting her old uni friends and she has said she may invite me depending what they're doing. I don't understand why what they do matters, I'm worried that again she may be embarrassed, or sick of me and glad to get away or something.

I know I'm probably been daft, and just don't know why I'm feeling like this lately. Do you agree, that I'm over thinking and been daft?

Sorry for the long and daft thread!!

2

You daft so and so!
What I'm reading is just a relationship in its early phases.
I've been with my OH for 12 years, and what you learn over that time is that you both need space to be with people from other parts of your life. Being in each others pockets 24/7 is tough and time alone or away is really important.

It's more likely she's singing your praises than telling them that you're a dullard.

3

I would agree with SS; we all need time apart as well as time together.

Also perhaps your girl friend feels you would be bored by the afterwork chat-all those in jokes about people you don't know- hence the hour alone while they get work out of their system and can relax into the weekend.

4

We only see each other at weekends until we move in so we do have space alone, but I guess that's different to proper time alone with friends. I guess just because I would always invite her no matter what doesn't me she's not losing interest, embarrassed etc just slightly different ways of thinking.

When some of her friends meet me they are always very nice to me and chat, they often tell me they've heard a lot about me too when I first meet someone new. Always the ladies, or her gay guy mates who say that, they are all very nice people :)

She has introduced me to her parents a few times now, I am the only one she ever has I guess that stands for something too

5

curiousme wrote:

We only see each other at weekends until we move in so we do have space alone, but I guess that's different to proper time alone with friends. I guess just because I would always invite her no matter what doesn't me she's not losing interest, embarrassed etc just slightly different ways of thinking.

When some of her friends meet me they are always very nice to me and chat, they often tell me they've heard a lot about me too when I first meet someone new. Always the ladies, or her gay guy mates who say that, they are all very nice people :)

She has introduced me to her parents a few times now, I am the only one she ever has I guess that stands for something too

That sounds very encouraging.

6

You're just feeling a little insecure cos everything is still very new. It's all too easy to get so wrapped up in each other at the beginning of a relationship but you need your own space, friends and a bit of time on your own as an individual.
Your gf has said that she loves you and wants to be with you that certainly doesn't sound like she's bored or sick of you! While she enjoys some time with her friends why not get together with your mates?
I reckon you have been overthinking this a little bit but no need to feel embarrassed you're young and in love that's all :)

7

Thanks people, she is the type who sticks to what she says, she is patient and only says what she means. I told her love her first and she waited 8 month to say it to me in her time showing its dometi she means and doesn't say lightly

8

It just sounds like you're a little insecure. I had the same fears when I was younger and I know they can be really difficult to deal with.

As others have said, don't worry that she likes some time with her friends without you. That's not a fault in your relationship, its perfectly natural.

A limitless insecurity is normal, but a lot can become troublesome so its best to find ways to cope with it whether its alone or by discussing it with your partner.

9

Me and my hubby very rarely get out but when I get the opportunity to have a night out with my girl mates I would hate for him to be there.

Sometimes us girls like to talk about out relationship, sex etc .... We can't do that if your there.
Other times it's awkward because when your meeting old friends who you will be talking about te past with, then it can feel like your leaving your partner out.
And another problem is that sometimes your mates have a "no partners" rule.

It not that I don't love my hubby. I do but I seem him most days at some point after work and in between dealing with our kids. It's not always quality time but I know he's going to be there. But a night out with friends can be so difficult to organise it find time for. So when it comes up I just want to go and have fun.

I don't think you have anything to worry about. If your talking about a future together that's a good sign.

10

Yeah, we have spoke about it, she really is great she says not to worry, always talk to her, ask anything that's on my mind. She is very caring. I know it's a self esteem thing, and most of it is me thinking she can do better than me, why choose me, and someone at work would be ideal for her because she travels abroad with work sometimes and she could do that with bf who she works with.

She did ask me it I can meet her a bit later this Friday at the pub with her work mates instead of straight away. This is good because to me it means when she asks for me to be there etc she means it as she says when not. I asked her why and she explained so she can catch up with work mates and chat about work I said I don't mind been there, but she would like that time alone still. Which I have no problem with.

She said it gets quieter after, and I'm better been there then I guess I feel like I'm a last resort and like maybe someone to fall back on once everyone else is gone.

It's horrible feeling like this.

11

Is this your first relationship?

12

You should try to give her some personal space,people need that,so their relationship can progress and last.You're just being a little insecure.

13

I'm her first, she's 24 and I'm 25 and had only one before that I ended as I was cheated on and lied to about very many things, also found out about money she'd been taking too without asking.

I also did lose my mum when I was young and was convinced from then no one stays, I used to have nightmares that my dad wouldn't be there when I woke up and I guess maybe there's bits of that subconsciously in my mind still as I've grown up.

For me I reason everything, and have to apply logic. Asking questions is what help me understand.

14

So I was chatting with my gf and she said she'd like me to meet her at the pub a bit later with her work mates instead, she used to say she wants me there as early as poss, now she says this.

She explained the following... 'Sometimes it's just good to socialist with work people on my own, not because I don't want you there, I like having been you there just a bit later if that's alright'

Is this normal, I guess I'm different I'd always much rather be with her. We only see each other over the weekend, so don't see her that often as it is. Just worried maybe she's losing interest or finds me a bore. I don't mind she wants more time her work friends at all, I just like understanding

15

I meant meet her on Friday as we only meet up at weekends

16

I agree with the others- it sounds as though she just wants time to socialise. Perhaps she feels she can't concentrate on talking to other people if she's worrying that you're having a good time- these are her colleagues after all right? That means they are part of her life and maybe she worries about you getting bored. I've been in situations like this before.

A small word of advice- if she says she wants space to socialise- give it to her! Whilst you mean well and you want to spend time with the person you love (understandable and lovely), in my experience at least, giving people the space they need (which is normal) makes them enjoy the time they spend with you more! You don't want to smother her after all. Perhaps you could spend some time with your friends instead on one of these nights. I bet she'll miss you and you'll have fun together the next time you see eachother.

17

Wouldn't take it as an insult towards you. It just means she wants to spend time with her friends too.

im the same as you, I like being with my OH all the time, but I don't have any friends, no one else to socialise with, whereas he does, so he goes out with them, but not very often, I know he needs time with his friends every so often, no because he needs space away from me but with someone else, he needs to be a bloke and do bloke stuff with other blokes. I can't play pool or drink lager and laugh about chicks checking us out, he has his mates for that, doesn't mean he doesn't need me. He also needs time alone, I've recently gone back to uni, and he said as much as he'll miss me when I'm not there (we only actually spend two nights apart) he likes having quiet time to do what he wants.

she can't be a girl while you're there, she can't talk about work, or anything women talk about while you're there, but she hasn't said not to go, she's said to go later so she gets time with you and them

18

Yeah makes sense, they are her work mates. They are mainly male. I guess I didn't quite understand because she's sees them every day, but on my sees me at weekends. Was worried that she prefers time with others rather than me, or that I'm a bore, and that she isn't her true self around me.

I would always give her time alone, no matter how I feel. She means a lot to me, and her been happy is number 1. I just don't want to be a second best, a bore, or something to fill in spare time with.

I'm similar young and fun, since I left uni everyone has moved on with their lives starting families getting married etc and at work people don't socialize outside so I'm very alone. I have considered joining the gym to give me something to concentrate on and a bit of a life outside of work, also keeps me fit and hopefully I'll gain some definition for her

19

It's different when you work, you're working, then after they cut loose and talk about all the crap that happened that week.

it sucks it does, when the only person in your life wants to spend time with others alone but she can't ignore them and only see you and they want some time with just her, as she's been their friend for a long time.

I hate when he leaves, I'm terrified on my own and am very dependant on him but I know he needs to see his friends and I don't fit in there. You have a good idea though, instead of waiting about, do something, gyms a great idea as it'll build your confidence and get you meeting new people

20

I guess the thing that mainly got me thinking is she used to say get there as early as poss, now it's changed to been later on.

Thanks young and fun, helped quite a lot. I've often wanted to get some muscle not massive but some definition so ticks a few boxes. I think it would be nice for her too by me improving my body like that for her eyes :)