3 nights ago my wife of 50 years revealed that she has never really looked at me and felt any sexual desires and could happily have lived our entire married life without sex or orgasms. She has been having sex with me all this time only because she knew I needed and enjoyed it.
As you can imagine this ripped my entire world apart as I had believed that we were equal partners in a mutually enjoyable relationship.
It turns out that, unknown to me our relationship has been borderline abusive with me as the abuser.
Understandably things are now awkward and strained and I have no idea what to do.
My alternatives seem to be
Live in a purely platonic marriage after years of wonderful (I thought) sex
Keep pretending all is well and live in what I now know is an abusive relationship where I am the abuser.
That is a very nasty thing to say to your partner, someone you love and care for, I’m guessing she does love you, or she wouldn’t of wanted to be with you all this time, so to me it seems like she was upset at the time, there is so many questions, why does she feel like your abusing her, why has she stayed all this time.
I can only imagine how upsetting it must be hear all that.
I know you’ve mentioned in a previous post that your wife has Parkinsons, could it possibly be the Parkinsons talking here?
I’m sure you probably know more about it than I do but from what I know Parkinsons can sometimes make people have awful emotional outbursts and say things that they really don’t mean.
Have you been about to talk about it to her since?
This is really really tough for you @rockstar I can only imagine how difficult this is. The only advice I can offer is to talk more however hard that may be
I feel for you , as my wife has been inactive for over 20 years . I try and not be too obnoxious as I flirt with her . I have ( had ) a friend of over 40 years that I long distanced coached through a number of life threatening experiences . He has visited three of the last five years and we texted daily . Every three months he needed 40-50 shots in his head to stop the headaches from Parkinson’s . The day he had a round of shots , we were texting and he got mad at me and stopped texting or replying in any form . I did not get a reply in over a month , no mention of his birthday card . A boy ( not his ) that he has been a father to since he was born did tell me he was doing OK . Then he quit answering , must have got caught . Anyway , it was heartbreaking for me . So take the talk you had with a grain of salt , it may be the Parkinson’s talking . My wife is on many pain killers , nerve medicine , along with anti depressants . She quite often says things to me that really hurt me because of medications . I must admit I am getting pretty wore down , but manage to soldier on . Sending hugs .
Why twist the knife in and blame yourself for any of this?
If anything she is the abuser for lying to you and giving you fake romance for 50 years.
I’m just playing devils advocate here. I dont beleive someone will lie about enjoying sex or being attracted to you for 50 years. it would be a pretty hard act to live with. Has she never come onto you, wanted sex from you? That would be a very very odd sex life if I as the guy always had to initiate things. It would be so boring and the sex life would be so dull because Id be doing everything.
Sometimes women can be a bit absolutist with things, if they are pissed off with you and they are having an argument they can roll off all your vices since your first date. They will talk like youre good for nothing and just have problems. OTOH when you have given them a good shag they will make breakfast in bed for you, tell you they love you, massage your feet, do your laundry etc.
My wife has told me in the past of her female work friends and their sex lives, about them making excuses about not wanting to have sex, glad then the man goes away working etc etc, they love their partners, but don’t like to be sexually involved.
Sounds like you’re wife has made the effort to be sexually involved, she obviously loves you and cares about your feelings.
If she loves you, and you love her, you both love spending time together doing things, then why end it, some people are attracted to others from personality, they might find that person funny and love being with them.
I’m no spring chicken anymore with the body my wife was attracted to me for, but I know she still loves me as much as I still love her. She likes to watch a porn with hot men with nice bodies, I just help her get off, it’s me she loves.
