Absolutely devastated

Sex Tips & Talk
41

@rockstar my heart aches for you, I can’t imagine how you must feel after so long together to be told that.

The one thing I can tell you is that you are in no way abusive. Abuse requires a desire to control another; you care about her and her pleasure - that’s the opposite of what abuse is!

I suggest you look up DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender. It sounds like you are attacking yourself rignt now, don’t - you don’t need it, and you definitely don’t deserve it!

Did your wife, at any time, say no to you, only for you to bully or guilt her into sex? That’s abuse. Did she reciprocate your advances (albeit seemingly for your pleasure), or go with what you wanted just to make you happy? Then she consented. Abusers don’t care about the consent of others, they only care about what they want.

Really the slack falls on her for faking her enjoyment of sex with you. That’s also fifty years she’s wasted in which she could have been having mind-blowing sex (either with you or a different partner), had she communicated.

She obviously loves you - and you her - so it’s important not to be rushed in your decision making. How important is sex for you? Could you settle for mutual/masturbation? Could you forgive her, ever, or is this simplyunforgivable? It’s okay if this has shaken your relationship to the core right now. Take your time, be gentle and loving on yourself and know that we’ll be here for you, whatever you decide next. Good luck.

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42

So sorry @rockstar - I think you’re being really hard and unfair on yourself and I also don’t think your wife deserves any unkind comments in response to what she’s said either.

She clearly loves you dearly, having been together for 50 years and raised a family and been eachothers rock.

Regarding the abuser tag, totally unfair. At worst she’s indulging in your kink which she otherwise wouldn’t do if you weren’t into the FLR life. But again, that just shows she loves you and wants to make you happy.

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43

Must be tough to take after so many years. Only you know what your next step will be. Putting myself in your shoes personally my bags would be packed already. Lying in a relationship is my biggest peeve. Honesty doesn’t cost anything and dishonesty is easily the most hurtful thing to the heart. Any sort of relationship from here would have me wondering if she’s doing it simply to keep me happy or because she enjoys it. It’s not something I could easily forgive if at all. Again this is just my opinion. Good luck, do what’s right for yourself rather than just the situation.

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44

Not exactly related to the thread but dishonesty is a no-no for me too. I have a neighbour who is quite sweet on me (poly) but his repeated barefaced lies have left him very firmly in my “absolutely not” bucket.

45

That is truly devastating and very hard to read. I’m very, very sorry for you Rockstar ): the most I can say is to try and talk to her about it after taking some time to think about it, she clearly loves you if you’ve been together for so long… the two of you should take some time, a week or so before trying to figure it out.

I’m rooting for the two of you

46

I wish I had something great to say @rockstar , but I don’t. Blowing 50 years of trust in one sentence is crazy.

I guess the question I would need to know is why say anything now? She must have known what it would do to you (after 50 years), so why?

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. For all the comfort it is, please have a big comforting hug from me xx

47

While this must be devastating, I honestly wish my wife would admit this to me. Like you it’s something I already think, but if she just said it, yes I’d be devastated, but at least I’d know.

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48

Mrs W here ……

We are both thinking of you a lot @rockstar …… Pen and I wish you all the best and send you hugs and kisses from both of us and arms round your shoulders love :kissing_heart: xxxx

49

Just a little clarification.

There was no malice intended in her statement. We were just having an open and honest discussion and she was just as devastated as me when she realised the effect her statement had caused.
I guess that since, in her head, sex was less important she didn’t expect the cataclysmic effect it had on me.

We really need to talk this through but at the moment it seems as if she is waiting for me to open the conversation and I have no idea where to start or even what I want to be the final outcome.

She seems quite happy to pretend nothing has happened and to go back to a relationship where her enjoyment of sex comes from the fact that she knows that I enjoy it. I am uncomfortable with this as, in my head at least, it makes me a user or, in the worst case an abuser.
It may be that I am overthinking this but at the moment I can’t get past it.

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50

You are not overthinking this at all. In fact your clarity is spot on

Your decision is definitely not easy and I find myself in a similar position, but this is your Pandora’s box and once all the crap has settled and you are where you end up. There’s “Hope” that you will for yourself be in a better place, take time to think what you want/need and how that comes to be.

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51

If her enjoyment of sex comes from knowing that you enjoy it then she must love you a great deal. She does it because she loves you not because you force her to. There are a lot of women in marriages that would not do this and i dare say probably some men as well.
Hope you two work it out.

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52

@rockstar …. Im sorry to hear of any situation in a relationship that hurts between a couple…especially one that has endured for 50 yrs.

With respect, you have a sexual makeup/ profile that is maybe unusual in what you have described as a hetro sexual relationship.

When you started on the alternative side of your sexual path ( if thats how it could be referred to) , was it a mutual thing , or was it something that you personally expressed a desire for , from day one and she went along with it.

Have you asked her what she wanted or expected from your relationship from the outset?

Would focusing on a more “ vanilla” type of focus be more appealing to her ? Is that what she always felt more comfortable with, but went along with your “ Kinks” , because she wanted you to accommodate them ?

Would the vanilla form of sex leave you feeling unfulfilled?

I’ve asked alot of questions, but for you to get on the same page as your wife, there will have to be many questions answered.

I do understand how you feel , in regards to feeling abusive ,as you obviously love your wife and would never maltreat her.

I wish you well and hope you can arrive at a place compatible to you both.

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53

In my opinion, you’re massively overthinking this.

You’re clearly very caring.

Perhaps you didn’t expect her to care for you too in other ways? (And from what you described in the past, she has enjoyed caring for/ satisfying you a lot)

54

If your wife asked you for a massage, would you think of her as a user, or if she had a long stressful day in work and just wanted her pussy licking without having to return the favour, would you think she was a user, we do because we like to please, to make each other happy.

55

True enough, but to maintain this position over a 50 year marriage seems to smack of deception to me.

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56

Or ultimate love perhaps? I can see how you feel that it could be deceptive. But I see it as ultimate love.

Take time to process all that has happened, talk with her and consider speaking with a professional.

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57

Deception? Maybe not. People are pretty complex with different and changing motivations.

58

Many years ago I used to fake my orgasms. It wasn’t my husband or anything he did; I was afraid of letting go of control, sexually. I was afraid of being judged for how I looked in my critical moment.

He, like you, was devestated when he found out, and it understandably (though fortunately only temporarily) took a toll on our relationship. Lots of communication ensued, but we did come away much stronger.

That, however, was throughout our dating and up to three years into our marriage, five years in all before he made me orgasm in front of him. To have only mentioned this after fifty years of marriage I can only imagine has been devestating for you.

Is it possible that she simply didn’t know how important her enjoyment of sex is to you? Is it possible that she, like me, was taught that women only have sex to please their men, and thus she never even thought to tell you that she wasn’t enjoying sex herself? It’s easy to see ill intent but it genuinely might not have been intentional, and her own devestation would suggest that to me.

If she wants to please you, nothing about that is abuse — you aren’t forcing her to please you, non-consensually, which is exactly what abuse is. She wants to please you, that’s love — pure, unbridled love. My husband has a lower sex drive than me, but sometimes he wants to please me just because he loves me and he knows I have needs. You can still enjoy sexual pleasure together and not think yourself a user or abuser, you just have to remind yourself that she pleases you because she loves you, and you (hopefully still) love her. Don’t see it as a transaction, see it as a variation of making love. You can still be close to her, hold her, kiss her, fondle her, she just doesn’t want anything from you, sexually.

I wish you both the very best and I hope you can overcome this together.

59

This is really hard to read especially since I recently have felt so distant from my wife. Things have gotten better in the past month or so but for someone like yourself who’s been through so many years with your wife, I couldn’t begin to imagine.

Firstly as many have suggested, therapy is an excellent first option. Talking things out with her and having someone to buffer the two of you is always good.

Second, don’t think that it’s your fault. As men we tend to grab the blame of relationship mistakes and carry them with us to our graves. I still have baggage from my last relationship before my wife I still deal with from time to time. But just know that you aren’t the only factor to everything. It does take 2 to tango after all.

And lastly it’s good that you have vented somewhere like this. The people on this forum will never judge you for thinking or felling any type of way. Just keep your head up.

60

So sorry to hear this @rockstar

I think more communication is needed when you’re up to it. Sending cyber hugs :people_hugging: