Anal newbie - concerns for gf

Hi everyone

Was hoping for a bit of advice.

My gf and I have started experimenting with anal/anal play. For some reason, I get very nervous before ‘entering’, as I’m worried I might hurt her or cause some sort of tear. No particular reason - just a general concern. It sort of ruins the moment, as even when she suggests some anal, I feel like I have to say to her over and over “are you sure” etc - and she is a bit shy so will say things like “if you want” - rather than she wants…so it’s a bit circular.

We might experiment with a butt plug for the first time (slim one from here) - and I’m very worried about using that.

Any ideas or thoughts?


If you’re worried about hurting her how about starting with her inserting the plug? You can be watching, telling her how sexy it is etc, but let her do the actual inserting so that way she has total control and you know you’re not hurting her?

Once you’re both confident that it can insert and fit comfortably you can take over the insertion and you can take it from there to slowly advance without you getting worried


With the buttplug, maybe suggest she uses it alone, in private, first to get used to it and know her own limits. That way when you guys use it together she can guide you. Give her the control.

When it comes to anal, my OH will always say something along the lines of “if you want me to stop, tell me to stop” and I’ve noticed he is always reading my facial expressions throughout. It avoids the repetitive chat that can be off-putting. You could also suggest she taps your arm, uses a safe word… anything to indicate that she’s uncomfortable. Hopefully something like that would ease your worry of hurting her? And lube. Lots of lube.


Hi @intothekink - Welcome to the forum.

Coming from a relationship where my other half was completely anti-anal, and is also not usually very vocal about what she wants. - I can empathise with your concerns. However in the last few months my wife has opened up to a bit of anal play. I don’t think i’ll ever get to do anal sex “for real” if there is such a thing - however i’m not going to push that…and while i’ve never had the opportunity to try it…i can live with that. However she has, thanks to Lovehoney, been lucky enough to have been sent a butt plug to try. This kind of took the pressure off a little, as she hadn’t asked for it, and i’ve not put it forward either - however since then she has quite regularly been happy to use the butt-plug in some of our sessions. We have a steel, and a silicone one, and she tells me they both feel very different - however she finds the additional sensations they provide very enjoyable. All I would say is start slow…and use a lot of lube. And also maybe try some foreplay before trying to put anything in. It required more pressure than I thought to get the plug in - but if properly ‘relaxed’ its a lot easier - and thus less stress for both involved…and like you - if I worry about hurting her, or if i think she’s not enjoying it then it’s a real turn off for me… But - take it slow, and hopefully she’ll enjoy it - and then you can move on to the next ‘act’. I don’t think i’m there…but a few months ago she wouldn’t contemplate anything in her bum…so who knows.

Good luck - and remember to talk it through with her, and take it at her pace…and im sure you’ll be rewarded!


Very good advice @For_Your_Eyes_Only_x


I agree with @Cassii and @For_Your_Eyes_Only_x it would definitely help to use the plug alone first and then before you do anything together have a good chat so that she knows you need to trust her to stop you if she has anything more than mild discomfort and to reassure her there will be no consequences if she has to tell you to stop. You are obviously very caring that your concerned and nervous and I’m sure if you build up, take time and both communicate you’ll have a great time if it’s what you both want. And I know it’s been said and will be said again but lots of lube.


Thanks everyone! Genuinely really helpful. Appreciate the time taken to respond.

Would you suggest using the plug more as a ‘dildo’ at first i.e. don’t keep it in there - just in and out very slowly at the beginning?

The best advice I can give. As I too was a bit nervous when we started this. I find that using an anal toy in 1st really helps as it kind of preps it and stretches it a bit first.

So we typically use a butt plug 1st. You can get some great smallish ones that are not too intimidating to start with.

Then whilst that is in we have some epic forplay then remove buttplug before he enters me anally.

Use plenty of lubrication and just ease in very gently.

She will tell you if and when to stop or slow down. Be guided by her. Trust me if there was any problems she will tell you!

Talk openly together if you are able about any concerns or fears as that really helps.


I’d personally prefer it being used as a buttplug and staying put! The in/out motion could be a little daunting at first but you can progress to that. Step by step!


Lots of lube and start with the smallest thing first finger or plug and move in circular motions. If you are super worried or afraid, have her do it first so she’s in control and you can see how it’s going, aka the pace and motions. The next option i’d suggest is similar in that if you are worried about anal you could have her guide/be the one moving it in, that way it’s at her pace.

As long as you use lots of lube and take your time and go at the pace thats comfortable it’s highly unlikely you’d tear or cause damage.

Lastly remember minor discomfort is normal anything else is not.


Hi @intothekink my long term wife and I started anal play and anal sex a few years ago. From LH I bought some small medium and large anal butt plugs. Used anal beads on her that got big in size so can use for progresion. She uses her fingers on herself and I pull out the anal beads when she’s cuming which she enjoys. We use fingers and plenty of LH anal lube before inserting anything. I’ve penetrated her anally a few times just to cure my kink and curiosity but it wasn’t the best but every now again I put a medium butt plug in her for normal sex so it’s like double penetration for her which we both enjoy. Seeing she’s never done any anal stuff before my finger, anal beads, butt plugs and penis went into her perfectly fine with no problems during or after. Good luck! :slight_smile:

Hi @intothekink, welcome to the community

There’s lots of great advice in this thread and elsewhere on the forum :+1:

Sounds like you need to reassure yourself that it’s fine and in time you’ll have the confidence not to worry about it.

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I’d let her put in herself first, that way you can judge from her reaction and how quickly she inserts it into her back passage. It may even . surprise you