I have a problem that I am starting to feel a little bit down about. That problem is that my partner has a lower sex drive than me, but I am starting to feel like I might be to blame for it. The irony is that I have followed my own advice and the advice of others on numerous occasions that i have read on this forum, but it doesn't work for me! lol (Sighhh)
I feel "meh" when I read from people who give great advice like "Try spicing things up by doing something spontaneous" The last time I tried this, I got shouted at and he stormed off in a huff, which made me feel great by the way.) I have tried pictures, naughty texts etc and while he does reply and says I am sexy, it never goes further or gets him "all worked up and desperate" throughout the day. We even videod a session, he never watched it until I put it on one time. I look over and he is playing a game on his phone, not even watching. I have tried the "Try not making any first moves and he will be gagging for it" technique (The last time I tried this we got to day 10 without him making any moves or seeming interested in making one and I gave in at that point.) I hear men saying how they love the women to take control and make the moves. I do this 100% of the time and when I stop doing it, he doesn't try. It can be weeks or a month before he asks ME why we are not doing it! What??
I am very very adventurous, and I have literally tried most things that I can think of to blow his mind, from BDSM, to pegging, anal, watersports...the lot. He says it is all amazing and he has a fab time and I am the best etc etc. The thing is though, all of this stuff is initiated by me, and acted out by me. I know the things he enjoys and I am a giver, so when we do stuff together, I literally spend hours and hours playing the kind of games I think he will enjoy, teasing him with toys, giving hour long blowjobs were I edge him over and over and much more. He knows the kind of things I like, but has very, very rarely done them for me and has very rarely grabbed any toys or even....talked or roleplayed with me off his own accord or...well, anything really. When it is "my turn" for fun, he goes straight to trying to push an orgasm out of me by rubbing or licking, like he is trying to solve a math equation, and truth me told, I have nothing to work off, nothing that is titilating me because, its just hands down pants and rub, or head south straight away to give oral. Often I cannot orgasm from this because I am just a little....I dunno, upset? That he never tries, even though he knows what I would like and he seems to just want to get the job done asap. Because I don't orgasm, he takes it as an insult and is probably the reason he never really tries? I dunno, like a vicious circle, but lately, I cannot orgasm with him and have almost stopped trying, just pleasuring him for hours until it is too late or he is sleepy to want to. lol Sometimes I then play by myself after he is asleep.
I understand that he might not be as confident (Even though we have done so much together and been together years) but I don't understand why he cannot bring himself to make the first move, or try to please me in any other way, the ways he knows I like, or even just his own way, rather than go straight for trying to make me orgasm asap with no other stimulus to work from.
I have talked to him about this. I am not exactly the shy retiring type. I have told him things I would love to do and I have told him i feel like I am the one always initiating things and it makes me feel a little, crap. He says its a lack of confidence, and when I ask him why he doesnt make a move he says things like "Well you were. reading, watching tv, looking at your phone, last night so I assumed you were not wanting it" I told him I always want it, and unless I am ill or dead, he will most probably get a good response. That was months ago, still nothing. :S Its like, he thinks I may only be up for it is I am staring at the ceiling doing literally nothing else but breathing and blinking? I dunno. This all makes me feel so meh. :(
The thing is, I know this is something I am doing wrong, because this exact theme has run through all 3 of my long term relationships. (So it cannot be them, it must be something I am doing.) I do not know what it is. I am open minded, highly sexed and all the things that these guys say they want me to be. Yet I seem to always fall into this. Being the one who is making all the effort and getting not much back, even getting into arguements or getting shouted at or insulted for trying something spontaneous.
My ex called me a slut and rolled over, after one night of me initiating sex and him not being in the mood.
Another partner used to enjoy the hours of pleasure I gave him but would often (often, not once or twice lol) then fall asleep mid "my time"
The list goes on. Either I expect too much, or I seem to end up with guys with low sex drives, or I am getting hurt over things that I shouldnt get hurt over, things that are normal in long term relationships. I think I would have sex most nights if it was an option, but I am happy with 2/3 times a week, or less if there is loads of stress or tiredness etc. Is that too much? Am I being too pushy or something?
I guess I am not looking for advice (Unless you have any) because, like I say, I have already tried numerous things without them working: Communication, stopping trying, doing what he enjoys and hoping for him to retaliate etc. So I suppose I am just kind of, letting off steam and trying to write away that lump in my throat from being upset about this. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong, and also why the "advice" given never seems to work for me! lol I actually feel like a bloody sex pest at times. It isn't nice. The thing is, I don't pester! Whenever I make a move, he is keen for all the goooood stuff happening and welcomes it every time. It is just that it is always, always me trying. That gets tiring. really tiring. You do not feel like you are sexy. Like they don't want to pounce on you, like you do with them, if that makes sense?
Sighhh. Ramble over. Thanks for reading.