Oh Hunni I'm sorry this is making you feel all bleh,
It may be a shy issue, with my first sexual partner, I was so shy I just couldn't iniate anything kept thinking ugh well what if he turns me down and I couldn't get over that no matter how many times he told me to iniaite, I just couldn't get past that fear.
It may also be going from being apart and seeing other every month to seeing each other everyday.
I really hope things work our for you babe. (Hugs) xx
I will agree with KebertXela about the try something vanilla. It seems to me that when a man comes on here and asks for help about his female partner the advices are massage, candles, romantic dinners etc etc. Try those for a change here. Men are not machines and there are men who do enjoy a bit of romance and not just adventurous advanced sex.
Try for some time a bit of sex without toys and extras and see if you could together enjoy each other without the need of any aid. I mene even though I do enjoy some anal play it does not mene I would want someone to be there all the time as it could quite fast lead to me thinking does she want me or my asshole. (just an example).
He might be enjoying the physical good of the things you do to him but are you 100% sure it really gets to him on a mental plane? If he went to see porn, would he go see ppl in the situations you put him or does he tick mentally on something else as well. There can be too much of the fun.
I think you are all exactly right. It seems like a combination of a lack of confidence for him, and the fact we now live together and he can basically get it on tap seeing as I have such a high sex drive anyway, so he just....rolls with it, even though he knows it gets to me.
Still doesn't make me feel great though, even knowing what the reasons could be, when I have these feelings of being "The only one" who is really trying. I fear this it will knock my confidence, or irritate me more and more to the point where I am almost getting to now...Eg: "Fuck it, why bother." That just builds resentment.
This begs the question, how do all of you with high sex drives, come to terms with your partners lower drive and not let it effect you so much? I don't fancy being all resentful and bitter lol
All relationships change when people live together. You both went from having crazy kinky sex once a month which is probably ever guys fantasy, to doing it all the time when you first moved in. It hard for most people to keep up with that. Sex can become a chore for some people , especially when it's kinky. I recently screamed at my partner and told him if he came near me with a dildo I would knock him out with it. It was like we had got to a point where it always had to involve a toy or bondage or something naughty. All I wanted was to make love and do plain old vanilla.
Me and Simon are living together four years. He would happily have sexy every day of the week, but I'm so tired with bringing up the kids, housework, bills etv and work that I would be content at once a week. But we compromise and do it 3 or 4 times a week normally.
Maybe tone things back a little . Just try to be a young couple In love with all the kissing and cuddling and massages etc. but most of all you need to talk. I don't like hearing your upset , so in sure it would break his heart hearing how much this is effecting you. Write him a letter and leave it for him to read when he's home alone. Give him a chance to think about it and then come home and discuss it. Maybe then you will both find some type of compromise x x
Morthius wrote:
I will agree with KebertXela about the try something vanilla. It seems to me that when a man comes on here and asks for help about his female partner the advices are massage, candles, romantic dinners etc etc. Try those for a change here. Men are not machines and there are men who do enjoy a bit of romance and not just adventurous advanced sex.
Try for some time a bit of sex without toys and extras and see if you could together enjoy each other without the need of any aid. I mene even though I do enjoy some anal play it does not mene I would want someone to be there all the time as it could quite fast lead to me thinking does she want me or my asshole. (just an example).
He might be enjoying the physical good of the things you do to him but are you 100% sure it really gets to him on a mental plane? If he went to see porn, would he go see ppl in the situations you put him or does he tick mentally on something else as well. There can be too much of the fun.
I think I may have given the impression it is always elaborate between us. It isn't. I think I was just trying to put across the idea that it is reasonably often, but about 70% of the time there are no toys or props or elaborate fantasies involved. However you have just made me realise something....
What he gets most of his kicks from is giving as well, which sounds strange as I am saying he never gives, but what I mean is, his biggest "kick" is giving me pleasure and mainly...orgasms. Since I stopped having many at all with him, I guess I have taken away his biggest sexual thrill even if I am fannying about with elaborate fun and games for his pleasure, it still lacks the thing he enjoys the most.
Crap! :(
I have a super high sex drive, and I've never had a partner be able to keep up with it. In my previous reltionships I just ignored it, got depressed, felt insecure and getting so moody it was untrue. With my OH now he hasn't got as high sex drive as I have and yeah it's freaking annoying but I've warned him what my sex drive is like and we talk about things so he's fully aware that if I want to and he's not in the mood that I have a hell of a lot of toys and I'll do a DIY job him in the room or not (Ususally when he's in the room he joins in) I just figured that I'm not letting it effect me now. If I want it I'm either getting it from him or myself he can join in if he wants too lol. xx
Naughty nurse 85 wrote:
All relationships change when people live together. You both went from having crazy kinky sex once a month which is probably ever guys fantasy, to doing it all the time when you first moved in. It hard for most people to keep up with that. Sex can become a chore for some people , especially when it's kinky. I recently screamed at my partner and told him if he came near me with a dildo I would knock him out with it. It was like we had got to a point where it always had to involve a toy or bondage or something naughty. All I wanted was to make love and do plain old vanilla.
Me and Simon are living together four years. He would happily have sexy every day of the week, but I'm so tired with bringing up the kids, housework, bills etv and work that I would be content at once a week. But we compromise and do it 3 or 4 times a week normally.
Maybe tone things back a little . Just try to be a young couple In love with all the kissing and cuddling and massages etc. but most of all you need to talk. I don't like hearing your upset , so in sure it would break his heart hearing how much this is effecting you. Write him a letter and leave it for him to read when he's home alone. Give him a chance to think about it and then come home and discuss it. Maybe then you will both find some type of compromise x x
Everything about this makes so much sense. I think I am putting too much emphasis on sex and thinking that just because I am always in the mood, doesn't mean he is. I think i need to learn not to be offended by that, like it is a personal insult. I think I will try this, and all the other peoples advice and just chill out! lol. I will talk to him as well. I always do. At least I am good at communicating. lol Thanks NN x
Hope it all sorts itself out soon. Let us know how it all turns out x x
FrozenAngel wrote:
I have a super high sex drive, and I've never had a partner be able to keep up with it. In my previous reltionships I just ignored it, got depressed, felt insecure and getting so moody it was untrue. With my OH now he hasn't got as high sex drive as I have and yeah it's freaking annoying but I've warned him what my sex drive is like and we talk about things so he's fully aware that if I want to and he's not in the mood that I have a hell of a lot of toys and I'll do a DIY job him in the room or not (Ususally when he's in the room he joins in) I just figured that I'm not letting it effect me now. If I want it I'm either getting it from him or myself he can join in if he wants too lol. xx
I do this! lol I just haven't got to the point yet where it doesn't effect me. Right now I am still going through what you described. The incerurity and the sadness and moodiness. Weird thing is, I also told my guy that this will probably happen before he moved in. Its been a thread running through all my relationships. I just need to learn to not take it personally now. Any tips? lol
Naughty nurse 85 wrote:
Hope it all sorts itself out soon. Let us know how it all turns out x x
I will do hunni x
Fluffbags wrote:
FrozenAngel wrote:
I have a super high sex drive, and I've never had a partner be able to keep up with it. In my previous reltionships I just ignored it, got depressed, felt insecure and getting so moody it was untrue. With my OH now he hasn't got as high sex drive as I have and yeah it's freaking annoying but I've warned him what my sex drive is like and we talk about things so he's fully aware that if I want to and he's not in the mood that I have a hell of a lot of toys and I'll do a DIY job him in the room or not (Ususally when he's in the room he joins in) I just figured that I'm not letting it effect me now. If I want it I'm either getting it from him or myself he can join in if he wants too lol. xx
I do this! lol I just haven't got to the point yet where it doesn't effect me. Right now I am still going through what you described. The incerurity and the sadness and moodiness. Weird thing is, I also told my guy that this will probably happen before he moved in. Its been a thread running through all my relationships. I just need to learn to not take it personally now. Any tips? lol
I know how you feel hun, because it really effected me, and now and then yeah I get moody about it. But I think one day it just clicked that just because I have a high sex drive, I shouldn't expect him to have one too. I know I still turn him on; and I know that he thinks I'm sexy and doesn't want to be with anyone else. I still get sex alot when he's here just well not the 3+ times a day I want LOL. So long as I get the cuddles, the kisses and he shows that he's still attracted to me then I can deal with the solo time now and then.
Ork wrote:
This is a hard one, I know from talking with you this hasn't been the only problem, but I'd say you should stop blaming your self first off, easier said than done I know :P But as someone with a high sex drive I'm aware this could be an issue for me in a relationship... but unlike the average person I have no issues with just ending a relationship that isn't working for me, only after communicating with the other person though lol.
For me personally it comes down to an almost three stage process, 1 you talk with the person and explain everything, 2 if they're still doing whatever it is that is screwing the relationship, talk to them again and be beyoned clear how bad things are, 3 if they're still not listening then they clearly don't care, so at that point I would end it XD I have done on many occasions lol... people get too relaxed and think no matter how they treat you it will never end, in my experience anyway.
I'm not saying you should end it though :P I am saying you should communicate with him again, only this time don't take prisoners, I mean you are clearly upset by this and in my oppinion a relationship should not be about stress XD Especially with all the stress you are dealing with as it is.
The main problem I can see is you can't make someone have a high sex drive... in my oppinion you either have it or you don't, no amount of lingerie and kinky stuff is going to change that... the only real solution is someone kind of has to suffer, either the high sex drive person can't have what they want, or the low sex drive person has to force themselves through sex... either way it sucks for someone.
Though... being you are in to BDSM :P Not sure who is the sub lol, but chastity might be an idea, I mean I think you tend to switch so I don't know how you'd work it, but if he controlled you then he could have sex on his terms, if you controlled him, if you did it right he'd be willing to have sex with you whenever you wanted it lol... but you'd have to get it just right I think, just a thought.
You know where I am if you need to talk.
We fell into BDSM together, and we do switch yes, but this has been something that developed. For the first few years, he was dominant, but due to the lack of confidence (Or whatever) issues he developed since moving in, I picked up the reins and took control and I honestly cannot say I prefer one over the other. I am definitely a switch lol. This side of us is slowly dropping out of our relationship now, I feel, because well, as mentioned, he lost interest in taking control and I feel pretty useless being in control when I ask for something and it turns into a fight. Like you say, you have to find a good balance and I guess, really commit to this, because if one person still believes they are in control, and the other person yells at you, it literally strips away all faith you have left in BDSM. That is where we are at right now. I hope to get this side of us back one day, but right now I am happy to put it on the back burner until the issue as a whole has resolved, that issue is me feeling upset about this. I need to figure out how to not let it bother me and accept he isn't ever going to be the "Rip my pants off" kind of guy. (Damn it! lol)
As you know, we tried chasitiy. It actually worked quite well in the sense that, he thought about it more and seemed more responsive in the bedroom. He STILL never made any moves though! lol (Mind you, I think about ten days was the longest he went) He found it a huge amount of fun and we both loved it (I know this as he asks to continue it) but the spell broke after he yelled at me last week for asking him to do something he was not in the mood to do. I took offense, as I do, and just thought "Fuck it" (Thats my phrase of the day lol) I am just as much an idiot at times, trust me!
I think it upsets me because, like you, I kind of work off that 3 stage process, except I get stuck at stage 2. With exes, I told them over and over until I was literally sick of the sound of my own boring voice, that I was bothered. It never changed anything and caused a massive build up of resentment. I worry that happens again I guess, because in every other way, I am so happy with him. he is caring, loving, so kind and considerate and to be honest, I think knowing I am upset is just as hurtful for him, which is why I kind of, don't just scream at him that this sucks and tend to walk around it. I don't want to make it worse that's for sure. I am one of those people who stay and stay and stay thinking "This time they heard me" lol XD
Clearly this is my issue. I accept that, otherwise this would not of happened exactly like this with 3 long term relationships. I need to learn to chill out and accept that not everyone wants it all the time lol You are right Ork, if someone doesn't have a high sex drive, then lingerie and all this jazz doesn't work all the time. In fact, it was times I tried these tricks that I got called a slut. Sometimes, if you push at something like this, it gets thier back up and annoys them as they feel pressured.
Wow I feel so much better thanks to all you guys. I still feel a little upset but I now have things in perspective a lot more. Taking does help!
Is there something that has happened in the past 6 months that has stopped you from being able to orgasam? That sounds like it could be the million pound question.
If he really loves you please you, it seems like that would probably spoil it for him. And at the end of the day, men are men, if they can't please their woman it bashes their ego into the ground.
Can you think of anything that might help you get over it?
Oh love, big big hugs to you. I feel like you hve written my story albeit at least ur guy has been adventurous at sme pt, my hubby just refuses! I dont no what too say, im like u, vry high sex drive an yes goin without is just not an option for me. I cant remember the lst time I had an orgasm with my hubby, we hve sex twice a wk, 3 at best an for as long as I can remember ive been faking it.when I joined this forum I realised that I wasnt a freak, lots of guys hve lower sex drives than partners and lots of women need lots of stimulation before orgasm. Since ive joined ive tried to tell him how I feel and failed miserably till lst wk when I just burst out cryin in front of him an told him how lonely I felt as I was pleasing myself almost everyday, I bought a vib an he wasnt interested, I tried everything and I got nothing back. He cudnt understnd why I was so upset and finally I just said how wud u feel if u cudnt orgasm and so he said he wud consider trying a few things but id need to guide him. I discovered that b4 we met he had a few drunken shags but basically he is vry inexperienced an he doesnt no how to try new things. He told me he nver hung around with guys who were in2 porn or strip clubs etc, he grew up quite sheltered, We r together 10 yrs an I nver new this. I think u need to drive it hme just how unhappy u r but at the time compromise with him on sme level. if u find a solution let me no. Sorry for the rant!
MrsMcX wrote:
Is there something that has happened in the past 6 months that has stopped you from being able to orgasam? That sounds like it could be the million pound question.
If he really loves you please you, it seems like that would probably spoil it for him. And at the end of the day, men are men, if they can't please their woman it bashes their ego into the ground.
Can you think of anything that might help you get over it?
I have had a few patches over the last 10 years of struggling to orgasm. I think the problem stems from stuff that happened in the past that I have described a little here. Firstly the guy who kept falling asleep when he pleasured me. It began to give me a complex that I take too long to orgasm. Unfortunately, if I am thinking about how long it has been since he started, and times passing, I start worrying and of course I may as well just stop then because it is lost at that point.
Then I got with my current partner and there has been a few incidents. He told me once that he really hurt his tongue after one longer session, at other times he fidgets or gets cramp. At another time he mentioned that I should stop shaving because it irritated his face and made him sore. (Actually, that happened with an ex too, so I have been told that twice)
All of these things stick in my mind and as soon as a guy becomes intent on giving me pleasure, I am almost immediately trying to "push" myself fast as I can to orgasm so that I am not boring/hurting/causing him lack of sleep etc etc and on and on.
So, those issues caused small gaps, where I struggled for maybe a week at most, occasionally up to a month, but now it is almost impossible for him to make me orgasm because I now have two issues at play. This one where I feel like I am taking too long, and the other, where I feel like this issue is confirmed to me by his lack of trying to tease me or play with me, and rather he just goes straight to stroking or licking me without any warm ups and a look of concentration on his face like he is fixing a clock. He is probably doing this because it has become an issue for him. He wants me to orgasm so he is intent on trying, but it just brings all of my previous thoughts back into my head because "Why would be avoid taking it slow and teasing me....oh I know....because I take too long and clearly he aint got time or patience for that, so of course he wants to go straight to pussy town and push me, no point teasing me or anything because we will be here all night"
Thats the stupid thoughts that go through my head and effectively stop me having orgasms with him. I can orgasm fine on my own. We are both perpetuating this issue really. Him by continuing to only focus on my orgasm and me only focusing on him focusing on it! lol
I reckon that my lack of orgasm lately is probably a big part of why he doesn't try. Like you said its probably bashed his confidence massively. In fact, i know it has, he told me. That then adds more pressure for me to perform. Oh what a mess! lol
Do you manage to get out of the house much? Away from the kids? Maybe get a sitter and go out together, nothing cheesy like the hotel and flowers stuff, just you and him, down the pub having a good laugh and a good drink!
It sounds like you're so tense and over thinking things maybe you just need to get drunk and relax.
It's a hard one to get out of though, I can imagine once you can't climax you constantly worry about it which will make things worse :(
MrsMcX wrote:
Do you manage to get out of the house much? Away from the kids? Maybe get a sitter and go out together, nothing cheesy like the hotel and flowers stuff, just you and him, down the pub having a good laugh and a good drink!
It sounds like you're so tense and over thinking things maybe you just need to get drunk and relax.
It's a hard one to get out of though, I can imagine once you can't climax you constantly worry about it which will make things worse :(
Not much at all. I have fibromyalgia and agoraphobia...which is a double whammy of stuff that stops me getting out much. Working on that at the moment though. Thats another stress for him as well. I am not exactly a "normal" woman. I am extra hard work! He has to do a lot more of the physical housework and such. I feel pretty guilty about that all the time. He doesn't complain though or ever make me feel bad about that, which I am so grateful for (My ex split with me as I was "too ill to party" ) I think my guy deserves a medal sometimes! I wonder if I can find a way for him to go and chill out though? He might need that. Just need to think how and what.
Wow. This whle thread puts a lot of things in perspective. He has moved in with someone after never having much responsibility before, that person is sick a lot of the time and he has a lot more work and responsibilty. Plus he now has children that he is raising which is brand new thing. he doesnt get much time to himself and his woman can't orgasm when he tries.
Lol (I am shaking my head) I guess I can see now, why he might have some issues with confidence and a lower sex drive since he moved in!
I am such a moose!
Fluffbags - I'm saving this thread to read though tomorrow when I have more time. But just wanted to say - I am very new to this forum, and don't really engage that much (way too scary being discovered) but what I have read you give amazing advice and write so elloquently. I feel sad that you're 'suffering' like this, and just want to say that to a lesser extent I could have written your first post. Hope you manage to overcome this (either with him stepping up, or you being happy in acceptance that this is just how it is). If there is anything I can add to any of the brilliant posts I'm sure other's have written (hell the length of them would suggest they have) then I'll write again tomorrow.
I literally just signed up to lovehoney tonight, and this was the first forum post I read.
Wow, It's like I wrote it myself!!! With a few alterations here and there. We are both inexperienced outside of this relationship, I am less adventurous than you, possibly with a lower sex drive. Otherwise it sounds like we are in exactly the same situation. It's nice to know I'm not alone!
We have similar (ish) sex drives, but I feel like I am just better at initiating, or maybe it would be better to say I am more spontaneous. He is very " wait until we are both in bed at 12.30 then start pawing and groping" by which point I am knackered. However I would've quite happily tackled him on the sofa 2 hours before, but i know that makes him a little uncomfortable.
Like you say, I think the problem is confidence and pressure. I am insecure and in my head whenever he is trying to pleasure me, which means I take FOREVER to orgasm, if at all. Which obviously dents his confidence, which stresses me out lol. Meaning i am always the one pleasuring him, cause that's when we are both most comfortable. But like you say that can get tiring, and make you feel a little like you aren't wanted.
Also, we saw each other long distance once a fortnight, and now we live together. So, very similar situations.
We have just moved in together, and I have bought the starter kit since we have never used toys before. We are hoping that sparks a little of the excitment we used to have, as well as more communication, and maybe watching porn ?
I will let you know how it goes if you keep us up to date too!
It really comforts me to know there are other people in my situation, and I really hope you manage to reach a compromise and solve your situation. You all seem like lovely folk, it's nice to have somewhere to share this stuff. My best friend is wonderful but she is one of these annoying people who has a wonderful relationship and a fantastic sex life, so it can be a little difficult to share my worries sometimes.
Sorry that was a total rant! was only meant to be typing "ditto" :P
x x