Hi everyone, I just wondered if anyone had any thoughts on this.
So, I enjoy spending time pleasuring myself and can get aroused and orgasm easily although it does take a long time - at least half an hour and I can spend an hour or so purposefully not organising so that it lasts longer. I have to get in the right head space and enjoy fantasies.
The problem is that I find it very hard to get aroused or orgasm with my OH. We have been together 16 years and he has never made me orgasm. I have tried pleasuring myself in front of him but generally I just find his presence off putting! I am also very sensitive and when he does try touching me he tends to hurt me. (Not purposefully obviously)
I love him very much but this is making me very frustrated. I just want to enjoy sex with my OH. At the moment the only solution is for him to let me have a bit of time alone and then Iāll call him when Iām feeling ready and then we can then have sex but often him joining me can then interrupt things and I canāt get aroused again.
Iām sure people will have much fuller answers, but have you looked at the Tracey Cox Squishy toys? They have a liquid silicone layer that acts like a cushion, which might give you a bit of extra āsmooshā zone if he has a tendency to press too hard. Weāve got the mini-wand, and itās really good. The vibrations are slightly more muted/diffuse than other materials, but you can nestle yourself into the squish really nicely.
I really feel for you, I am sure some females will have ideas, options suggestions for you. One suggestion from me would possibly be a role play idea, maybe you getting aroused in a bedroom on your own, night porter knock on the door with food and he takes advantage of you. Very vanilla but a start.
@Kitty-Cat01 I really feel for you. Iām almost the opposite. I take atleast 15 min solo and have to really focus on getting in the right head space. With Mr John it can literally be seconds. Iām not sure what the answer is but I hope you can work it out. I do feel sad for you OH too x
Thanks Steve, that would be nice if I can talk him into trying it! Heās never been confident with role play but maybe something non threatening like that might work.
Wow @Kitty-Cat01 many thanks for sharing this and your openness with this have you as been already stated have you talked to your oh about the fact that you can make yourself feel orgasm without him, he must be effected by this and hopefully you can find away of exploring different ways of pleasing you both I donāt think that you pleasuring yourself is nothing new but he will have needs and share what you like and how you feel about sex maybe you can find a spark somewhere to start with and explore this until you both are satisfied.
You donāt say if his only means of arousal is touching. Does he not try orally arousing you first? Part of the pleasure of sex is taking the time to arouse each other, by various means. Not every female can orgasm from PIV, but oral is often more successful.
Could you ask him to pleasure you without touching your vulva?
Blindfolds are great for this if you are comfortable and possibly restraints too (although not a necessity). Allow yourself to be at his mercy. He can kiss, lick, touch any part of you he likes except your vulva (at most he can gently blow on your clit). He can get close to it but not touch it. He can use his hands, tongue, lips, or any body part he thinks will work. He can use toys, ice cubes, feathers, a pinwheel, soft fabrics, a fork, a cold metal spoon, candle wax (massage candle or bdsm candle, not household), massage oil, flavoured lube. It could even just be a full body massage.
Essentially, trying to stimulate your senses and distract you from thinking about how much you struggle to stay aroused with him.
Hi @Gazza_64. We have talked about it quite a lot. We just need to try different things i suppose. I enjoy pleasuring him which he likes but I know that he gets frustrated that I donāt orgasm too.
He never used to like giving me oral but he has tried a few times recently but I donāt feel comfortable with it any more. Possibly just embarassment or because I feel like he is only doing it for me and doesnāt like it! To be honest he isnāt particularly interested in sex, he could just go without.
That sounds nice. It is something Iād like to try but he doesnāt seem interested. I tend to read that as āhe doesnāt like me or doesnāt want to touch me, maybe Iām ugly or somethingā but I imagine he just doesnāt feel confident or know what to do.
Thanks @forwardghoul52. Yes, we have tried the head to toe thing. I really like it for relaxing, I feel a bit less exposed which is nice. It tends to result in me giving him oral which he likes but if he tries to do it for me I just tense up unfortunately. I think a lot of this problem probably comes from my body image. I was going to say that I donāt like being on top because I just feel so embarrased by my body, Iām just not comfortable with how I look. Iām starting to see a theme to my responses
Sounds a bit like me. I rely mostly on fantasies, and having my partner involved can complicate things. While masturbating, Iām completely in control and adding my partner means I have a bit less of it.
I find it a bit easier to focus when wearing a blindfold or being on top. My partner doesnāt mind watching me masturbate with a toy until climax before he joins in. It was difficult at first because I was trying to get used to his presence.
Have you tried a good cock ring? It can make him harder for longer. Gives you a bit more time to find out what you like and vibrations on your clit can spice things up.
I was going to say exactly this! From your responses, it sounds like youāre putting a lot of pressure on yourself and worrying about everything from how you look to whether your partner likes it/is having a good time, and this seems to be taking away from your pleasure and preventing you from enjoying partnered sex. A huge part of arousal is psychological, and this would explain why youāre able to orgasm during solo play, as youāre able to let go and just enjoy.
Itās a really hard thing, particularly after so many years of doing and responding in the same way, but Iād suggest having a think about what really turns you on, what you need from your partner to help you feel a bit more at ease, and how you can start to communicate that. Thinking about what you both need and want from the sexual part of your relationship is really important - communicating this can be difficult and take time, but it is so key.
Itās worth considering what it is about partnered sex that is a turn off. If itās insecurity or discomfort for example, you can start to address those issues by talking with him. Perhaps doing things you find particularly arousing together without actual touching each other.
If itās not thatā¦could you possibly be somewhere on the asexual spectrum? I know quite a few ace people who very much enjoy the idea of sex, and enjoy masturbation but are definitely not at all into actually engaging in sexual acts with another person.
@Kitty-Cat01 you say that you know that it he gets frustrated that you do not cum as he told you this I still think you need to talk it out not all sex lives are satisfied and we all go through a stage where we do not want it and do not feel like it however long it takes itās worth getting down to what you both need and want to pleasure each other
The vibrations are slightly more muted/diffuse than other materials, but you can nestle yourself into the squish really nicely. 
