Being decieved

Been reading the forms for a while and would like to ask this......

My wife knew something had happened at her work place and asked her colleague if she could tell me, they said no!.

While chatting about her work place she let me carry on talking about said subject knowing full well something different had already happened and gave me no indication to correct me.

Days later she told me what had happened at work and she couldn't understand why i became angry. She has a history of lying to me and deceiving me and with hand on her heart ( i know it means nothing)said she would never do it again.

Sorry, didn't finish post.

Was I over reacting or is this the norm.

I dont quite understand your post, but the way I read it is that something happened at your wifes work involving a collegue and this person told your wife not to tell you about it, so your wife didn't. You then found out a few days later and are angry at being lied to. Is this right?

I would say it kind of depends on what the "something" was. I am most inclined to say that what happens at your wifes work, or what happens to her collegues is not really any of your business. Unless it actually effects you in some way? I would personally not be happy if I had to come home from work and tell my bloke every detail of what happened every day for fear of him getting angry that I lied to him. I would chat about my day but I wouldnt feel the need to update him on every change. Unless it effects you personally, she maybe just didnt think it was relevant to correct you.

Stuff happens all the time in my life that "changed" what I have already said to my partner. Maybe I tell him the shopping is arriving at 1 and then it gets changed to 10 and I forget to tell him. Stuff like this happens all the time and I would consider it an over reaction to discover an angry boyfriend accusing me of lying when it was just forgotten or irrelevant news anyway. x

Thanks for a swift response.

So for argument sake, you tell you boyfriend shopping is being delivered at 1 and later after shopping has been discussed and said boyfriend says I need to be home for 1 as the shopping is due. You already know its coming at 10, would he not have a right to be pissed off? As you already knew it was changed to a different time and didn't inform him.

He has the right to be slightly irritated in that circumstance yes, if he changed plans based on information I gave him and forgot to update him yeh, outright anger to the point of accusing me of being a liar and deceiving him and posting on a site about it I would consider an over reaction yes, as we are all human and forget things sometimes. clearly it wasnt done in malice or to hurt him so why should he be flipping his lid?

However the situation you describe seems different. In my example, my boyfriend would have the right to be slightly annoyed that he changed his plans and I forgot to update him with the new time. However you do not mention in your initial post that your wifes collegues news effected your life in any way. (Did you change plans based on this colleques secret? Did it effect you at all other than just "Not being told about it"?

If it didnt effect you in any way then what is the problem that would make you outright angry? I will say it again, you do not give much detail in your first post at all so I cannot really make an enlightened comment but if you are actually outright angry at her for simply not telling you every detail of her day, or for not correcting you if you get those details wrong or if something changed at her work which doesnt effect you at all, then yes, massive over reaction. (Not just an over reaction but a controlling issue too. Why cant she have a private life?) If one of my friends came to be in confidence and said please dont tell anyone about this but..... I would honour his/her wishes because its respectful to other people to do so. My partner wouldn't get pissed off about that if he found out either (Unless it effected him but again thats what I mean here.) More details would be needed to anwer your properly though.

it's not about the point about how it effects me in any way, its simply a case of she tells me more than I want to know.basically she let me give an opinion on something knowing something had already happened and my opinion was in fact negligible.

Easy way to put it is like this.

Nine o'clock news is on at 9 o'clock, you speak to your other half who already knows its now on at 10 o'clock, but lets you deliberately think its on at 9 o'clock and when you goto watch it you have missed it.then once you missed it says yes I knew it was on at ten. But work friend said no don't tell them.

Maybe I am making a mountain out a mole hill, and I posted to see if i am acting over the top.

I personally felt my other half put info of work and workmates before me , on the say so of a work mate who said no don't tell them. It's not like I have contact with her work or workmates. Because they have kept things from me before and deceived me and blatantly lied when I asked I felt cheated somewhat.

When you are married or in any trusting relationship you should not keep things from each other deliberately, or if 1 of you thinks 1 is 1 and the other half knows 1 is 2 they should speak up. They could have told me and say don't tell anyone.Its not like I know anyone to tell.

Thanks for making your problem more clear, Mandeep. What you wrote at the start really made no sense. You need to give the background to the situation, then clearly explain exactly what happened. If you don't do that, you will either get no responses from the Forum, or those who do respond, will misunderstand you.

Yes, it's nice to think that your partner would want to be 'straight' with you.... and not mislead you. But there's always two sides to every relationship problem. Maybe if other people (like her workmates) asked your wife about your relationship, she would say something very different from what you would say.

It's possible that you do things that really annoy her..... and this tendency to 'lie', or mislead you, is her way of getting back at you.

The solution is to have a relaxed discussion with her and find out if you do things that frustrate her. It sounds like she can chat openly with her workmates more easily than she can chat to you (perhaps).

But she won't open up if you sound indignant, or seem to be challenging to her. Maybe start by buying her some flowers.... and say that you aren't happy with what's going on in the relationship..... and that you think that it might be mostly your own fault. Ask her if she can she help you to understand what's going on.

Lying is usually used to get around difficult problems, or out of difficult situations. The challenge for you, is to find out what those problems are in your relationship.