Best way to bring up kinks

Sex Tips & Talk
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My husband and I are exploring new things and I have spoken to him about CNC (well vaguely as was nervous about it but discussed trauma links to it too as felt that was important) and just recently choking.

We have started pegging at his request which I don’t mind switching to be the dom partner but best way to discuss trying out kinks?

In the moment when fooling around or out with intimacy? I feel it would be best out with but I find it easier to discuss when I am in the mood. Maybe because I am being more open with him due to an increase in confidence but I still feel a tinge of apprehension due to going out my comfort zone.

We did say to one another that what we do stays between us and he said if he didn’t want to do something then all he will do is say no and not judge me.

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Morning! It’s great that you have both already taken steps to experiment, that makes the conversation easier.

You could agree to each fill out a Sex Menu, which are lists of kinks that you rate between Hard Limit, Soft Limit, Try It, Need It. Once you’ve both filled them out, arrange a time where you can sit down outside of the bedroom and have a read through each others together. It provides an interesting way to talk through it and if done with nonjudgmental open minds, then it should be a great way to get to know your partner.

There are plenty available on line, but the one we used was:

Kinky Events Sex Menu

There are a lot of things on it, some neither of us had heard of but that prompts a bit of research which is a great way to educate yourself. It also takes a bit of time to do and go through, but so worthwhile.

Hope this helps.

Tip: never make suggestions of new things in the heat of the moment, you can be fired up with horn and make poor decisions, or they may yuck your idea and kill the moment. If it comes to mind, put it to the back of your head, then discuss it at a later point and suggest you’d like to try it.

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I think you said it @CuriousCat40 be open and honest, i understand you feel more confident in the momemt. Why not stage a moment, your favourite tipples, soft lighting, sexily dressed and start the conversation before playtime …

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@CraigW has given alot of good advice and i 2nd that you do not talk in the heat of the moment. We take time out of the bedroom to discuss anything new. We also take time out to plan, discuss and negotiate upcoming scenes and talk limits and safewords/signals etc.
Not sure how long youve been practising BDSM and when it comes to CNC what you were thinking about, but its a very extreme activity and not to be taken lightly. You wouldnt really find anyone new to the lifestyle taking on this kind of activity. If its something you are determined to do, ensure youve researched what you want, what safety aspects are involved and be certain that you can mentally and physically take it while in the moment and afterwards as it can put a strain on a relationship. If youre thinking of a r@pe or k1dnapping scene, it can, and probably will get very violent. Your partner will not be like youve ever seen them before. Most people have been in the lifestyle a long time before taking on such scenes. Its something im very interested in but even a little while into our BDSM journey and i dont think were ready. There was a writing i saw on Fetlife which was very detailed in regards to a kidnapping scene and it shocked me which doesnt happen very often. Just be sure before you do anything like that. The fantasy, may be very different to the reality.
In regards to choking, do you just want his hands around your throat while playing, just restricting blood flow, or actual restricting air to the point of passing out? Either way do your research. There are ‘safe’ ways to do this to reduce the risks but this activity is never 100% safe. I dont personally want to give advice as such on this due to the safety concerns around it. Breath play and choking holds alot of risks all according to how far you want to take it. Ensure your partner knows the biology around it. Eg, where not to grab, where to grab, the anatomy of the neck and the respiratory system so he understands fully what is happening to the body and brain when air is restricted. You also need to know this.
If youre new to BDSM and kink i would suggest take it slow. Theres no rush. Don’t try and do everything at once. Start slow and build up to extreme play. Do a BDSM checklist with each other and compare what youre both comfortable with. We do this and revisit it often to make sure were still in the same page so to say.

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Re choking, I have a post about the kink here, with tips that largely repeats what @Kh1985 said, along with more of a how-to. I hope it helps :slight_smile:

In this household, we personally watch a lot of sex documentaries. They rarely turn us on, because by now sex is sex and it’s usually something totally vanilla that gets us into something incredibly steamy, but still, they can act as a point of reference. They can invite questions we might not have thought to ask one another before: “would you like to try…?”

Porn can also be good for this, though if they’re horrified by what they’re watching then the chances are, it’s probably a “no” :joy:

Lastly, don’t be surprised/disheartened if what you thought would be hot, isn’t. So, to give you a bit of backstory here, the first man that I was intimate with was 20 years older than me (the things we do when we’re curious and horny :joy:). That ignited a fetish for age gaps in me that kind of still exists to this day.

Also, I was extremely close to my Dad, but never sexually close to him, obviously, because that’s illegal. Around 12 years ago I started exploring the Daddy Dom kink, but time and time again it gave me the ick because I was extremely close to my Dad - it felt like I was crossing a border that shouldn’t be crossed, even with someone who wasn’t him.

Dad passed away in 2019, leaving a huge hole in my heart. I was off of the kink for a long time because it felt like I was trying to replace him, yet, I still felt like I wanted and needed something, someone - a Daddy.

My husband loves being a Daddy Dom to me, he loves providing me with care, support, affection and protection (the fight to stay out of Little space is real here :joy:) and I was eventually able to differentiate “Dad” from “Daddy”. Then, and through my work, I started to meet other men who also enjoy the Daddy Dom kink, including the taboo side of it, and that piqued my curiosity: does that turn me on, too?

So, we tried it last week, and what I can tell you is that far from turning me on, it left me feeling positively horrified. I felt sick, positively disgusted at myself, even slightly traumatised. It wasn’t hot for me at all.

So, as I say, explore CNC by all means, but don’t be surprised if you later discover it isn’t what you want :slight_smile:

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See for me, our dynamic has loads of layers. Hubby is my Daddy and i tend to class myself as a middle. Im not into nappies and dummies and playing with childrens toys etc. I just like to act immature and Daddy is much more of a caregiver. It isnt sexual and i can slip in and out of it very quickly so middle one minute, service sub next and then dirty little slut when it comes to the bedroom. His caregiver role though tends to be who he is naturally though so its not a huge change in personality for him. I think he struggles much more when having to step into the more traditional Dom role. Its definately a role hes having to work on. He loves the bedroom side of things but when it comes to laying the law down or ordering me to do something and then implementing punishments when necessary, he really has to adopt a mindset that is constantly evolving and improving.

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We’ve used the spicer app for a few years and it hadnt been for that we wouldn’t have done half the things we’ve done over the past few years.

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I completely get you, I’m more of a middle than a little as well - I’m like a teenager trapped in a thirty-six year old body :joy: we’re not into nappies and dummies either, though I have a collection of stuffies and if I put my hair in pigtails, all bets are off what happens next :wink: I struggle to understand what you mean when you say “traditional Dom” though? I think every Dom has their own unique flavour or style. Hubby doesn’t order me around (outside of the bedroom) either but he is proud of me in all that I do :slight_smile:

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Cant really add anything that hasnt been said except well done for starting the conversation. I agree with CraigW and its what we have done although I spent a while making a spreadsheet that she color coded.

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I have stuffies as well. Too many probably but ive just been treated to a new gizmo this afternoon for being a good girl this week.
Traditional was probably the wrong word for want of a better word. Maybe stereotypical may have been more apt

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I’ve asked for a “Good Girl Certificate” printed, signed and mounted on the wall above the bed, I’m still no closer to getting it so I’ve told him that any insolence meanwhile is his problem :joy:

I got you. I think sometimes embracing individuality is better. Some Doms can’t/don’t want to order their subs around, sometimes you just have to love them anyway :slight_smile:

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Haha! I love it and like you say its his problem if he doesnt please you. A certifucate isnt a lot to ask for and im sure youre very good :rofl::rofl::rofl:
Yes, i agree. Hes just finding his way. Hes newer to the scene than me so im also ‘vetting’ the research that he does as theres so much and not all good. I think he gets sick of me saying ‘have you done any research today’ :rofl::rofl:

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I’d say maybe after sex might be a good time when your in those cosy chilled moments of pillow talk :slightly_smiling_face:

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We had that discussion last night. I’m either a good bad girl or a bad good girl, the polls are still undecided :joy:

There really is, which is why I try to make sure I stay up to date, consistent and empathetic. It feels sometimes like some people can’t be arsed to teach, and that’s truly dangerous in our community. I’ve been around now for almost two decades, so, I’m starting to feel like a bit of a vintage :joy: I do remember the days of teaching hubby as well. First reaction: “eww”. Second reaction: “So you know you said you were into BDSM…” :joy:

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I got the spicer app it’s just hard to get my wife interested in answering the questions

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We paid for the full version and we tend to use it every other day. I love that it notifies me when he answers or sets questions :slight_smile:
Let’s just say that without it we wouldn’t have visited sex clubs, had three ways or used many toys we now use. None of that would have happened until spicer came about.

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Another questionnaire site for safely assessing where you are on different acts is the carnal calibration survey.

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