One for ladies in long term relationships: how do you feel about sex with the partner you’ve been together with for a long time (think 18+ years), have kids with, generally built a life with. His suit of shining armour may have gone a little bit rusty but he’s a good guy, still makes you laugh, no questions over his commitment to you or his kids, does loads around the house, rubs your feet on the sofa after a hard day, looking from the outside you couldn’t really fault him as a partner. Why do you feel cold to him sexually and prefer solo play to sex with him?
Ok, so it doesn’t take a genius to work out why I’m asking. I’ve been around the block enough dating wise to know the nice guy doesn’t tend to get the guy, a bit of edge is needed to entice. I think I still have it. Kids are obviously a massive passion killer but ours are old enough to palm off on grandparents without a second thought and indulge in “us” time. I just can’t get over the feeling it’s not an reciprocal arrangement sexually, my one time sex kitten is doing her wifely duties but would rather pull out the toys when I’m not around. How do I turn her on again?
It may not be you that's the problem although I can see why your concerned. As you say she is busy doing all the wife duties as you put it and she might be knackared. Sometimes a night off from being a mum doesn't mean your full of energy and good to go. Trust me my child has gone to their grandmothers and I'm just thankful for an early night ..... to sleep !
Also you don't need to feel sexy and attractive for your dildo but in personal experience if I'm not feeling fresh energised and sexy then I realy don't fancy a session with my partner. Maybe that's why she turns to a toy and not you ?
Speak to her but carefully. Don't make her feel obliged or like she is wronge but try and speak in a supportive way. Tell her how you feel and ask her why things are different and if she needs anything from you ? Maybe try and buy her some sexy undies ? I know when I get new undies I feel super sexy and can't wait to get them on.
It's not impossible to come back from this. I have been that woman who loves her man but by the end of the day needs that sexual realease but just Dosent feel sexy enough for sex. Plus with a toy you please yourself clean it and go to sleep. With a partner it's not as quick and simple.
Hope things get back on track for you x
Sometimes it’s good to call a halt to penetrative sex and try mutual masturbation. Either do it to each other or both watch each other having solo fun. This can be extremely sexy and can kick start your libido. I hope that this helps.
JoJoXxX wrote:
It may not be you that's the problem although I can see why your concerned. As you say she is busy doing all the wife duties as you put it and she might be knackared. Sometimes a night off from being a mum doesn't mean your full of energy and good to go. Trust me my child has gone to their grandmothers and I'm just thankful for an early night ..... to sleep !
Also you don't need to feel sexy and attractive for your dildo but in personal experience if I'm not feeling fresh energised and sexy then I realy don't fancy a session with my partner. Maybe that's why she turns to a toy and not you ?
Speak to her but carefully. Don't make her feel obliged or like she is wronge but try and speak in a supportive way. Tell her how you feel and ask her why things are different and if she needs anything from you ? Maybe try and buy her some sexy undies ? I know when I get new undies I feel super sexy and can't wait to get them on.
It's not impossible to come back from this. I have been that woman who loves her man but by the end of the day needs that sexual realease but just Dosent feel sexy enough for sex. Plus with a toy you please yourself clean it and go to sleep. With a partner it's not as quick and simple.
Hope things get back on track for you x
Hey JoJo, thanks for taking the time to write a comprehensive answer.
Can I ask how old your child(ren) is/.are? Ours are early teens and late primary - we've done the hard bit from the point of view of haviing to run around after them all the time and are now into the nagging phase: do your homework, clean your room, put your washing in the basket, etc. Whilst that is far from sexy it is also a lot less knackering than getting up in the middle of the night 4 times to clean up vomit, settle a child, etc. A lot of the childcare does fall to my wife because she's there for them more than I am Monday to Friday but almost all of my weekend is spent doing stuff for my kids, I honestly think I do my share for them - and we have a lovely house in a beautiful village thanks in no small way to my efforts at work.
I feel like I'm making too much effort or being too decent if I am honest. A few weeks back she had an argument with my daughter that got out of hand and resulted in her storming off in a huff. Over the next few hours her anger boiled up and got directed at me. I took the kids out of the situation only to get a text message saying she was going to stay with "a friend" for a few days which in the end turned out to only be one night - I had no idea where or who she was with. That day was my birthday. Adding it all together I feel quite lonely.
Love Stud Too wrote:
Sometimes it’s good to call a halt to penetrative sex and try mutual masturbation. Either do it to each other or both watch each other having solo fun. This can be extremely sexy and can kick start your libido. I hope that this helps.
Thanks Love Stud Too. I'm sure she would go for that on occasion as it is an easy option, no heart required :(
My child is much younger but at school. I wasn't assuming that you did nothing please don't get me wronge. I was just trying to throw a few ideas into the mix to consider. Obviously I can only guess and give food for thought as we are strangers and it could be I'm 100% off the mark.
I'm sorry to hear your birthday was spent like that. And full credit for removing the children from the situation. I would be very upset if my partner went for the night and I don't think I'd give in until I knew where they had stayed even if it took me nagging for weeks as that would drive me insane.
You say you still make her laugh and she lets you rub her feet on the sofa these are good things so I assume the bad is always bad in terms of arguments ect.
It's so difficult to comment on someone's relationship.All you can do is try and try. And if eventuality you can't try any more then that's something you'd have to re-evaluate just don't loose something good down to sex.
Sex drives come and go mines always been up and down tbh currently peeking but at times has been very on and off.
If your partner is in to solo toys have you sat and looked at lovehoney together ? I can go from oh no not tonight love to omg let's do it right now just through looking and ordering toys let alone how egar I am to play when they arrive! Maybe look at the couples toys see of her imagination sparks something ?
I hope you and your partner manage to overcome your difficulties.
When she came back she said (but only in passing) where she had stayed the night and I couldn't have chosen a more level headed person who I think would have given her a clear appraisal of whatever the issues are and not just offered girlie agreements. I don't think she was with a man, I would be really surprised if that was the case.
As I said with the comments about affection and the fact she "does her duty" as a wife, I don't think we are totally brokem, just not into me. I've tried lingerie presents (get worn once and then never seen again) and occasionally we will look at lovehoney or porn together as part of our session - but it just feels like she's indulging me compared to the inner sex kitten I used to know and evidently still is inside her (I can see sometimes when the toy box has been opened).
Yeah we are pretty good in many ways, just I have needs that are unfilled which I could deal with if I thought she had no libido but that seems not to be the case.
Thanks again JoJo.
Thanks to you too JustThe2OfUs, appreciate you taking the time to reply. Sounds like you have been through some rough times and well done for the weight loss, what a confidence booster.
PND also features in our past but quite a long time ago now and this doesn't feel like that, just that she is content to do her own thing. Weight loss also applies, she's done really well at dieting with determination and has dropped a dress size, looks fantastic. Which makes things more frustrating!
Appreciate your advice. I think she does love me as she likes the affection but doesn't seem to want to move affection onto anything more, seems to be a chore. As for happy that is a harder one to be so sure about, can be up and down a bit but has always been like that over the years.
My kids are 17 and 11.
When kids are getting older all new obstacles seem to present themselves.
One being we have kids bedrooms either side of ours. Which is awkward to say the least.
Also the older they get the later they go to bed.
All new things to think about and potentially as a mother worry about.
I went through a patch where I didn't want it at all.
Just wasn't interested.
Have you tried to talk to her about it? I know it's not easy for most men to talk about sex. I know my husband is the worst. But if I instigate the convo I can get him talking or at least saying yes and no.
First ever post on LH but felt compelled to reply @nibblenob. I am someone who has been through and arrived out the other side of a slightly similar situation. I had an incredibly stressful job for the first 17 years of my relationship with Mr John. In times of extreme stress Im sure he was as confused and hurt as you are now. I felt that I had no room to relax and if Im honest nothing to give, resulting in my normally healthy sex drive dwindling to nothing - on occasions for months. I never stopped loving or being attracted to him but Im positive it didnt seem that way. To his credit he stuck with me. Long story short I realised life was too short and made a change, a massive one and now work in a low stress 9 to 5 and bang the old me is back (and then some - he thinks its christmas). My advice is listen to her, is there something blocking her from being affectionate? I hope you get through this!
What a lovely bunch of people there are on here. Thanks for comments pinkanimal and Mrs John, I’m touched that you felt compelled to register and respond.
I will talk to her, seems there could be a good reason for her lack of interest based on others experience.
NibbleNob
wrote:
What a lovely bunch of people there are on here. Thanks for comments pinkanimal and Mrs John, I’m touched that you felt compelled to register and respond.
I will talk to her, seems there could be a good reason for her lack of interest based on others experience.
You are very welcome. I hope that you can both move passed this. I also have a child so agree the pressures of the day to day could be contributing. Take care
Going out together with some "us time" in cluding weekends away may also act as a tonic . It did with us . The sex will come back eventually .
One good thing is non penetrative sex. just use your tounge and torment each other till you can give each other an orgasm as the heart races like hell at the thought of him entering you, but refrain from it.