I agonise over telling my wife how utterly kinky i am. For anyone who know my previous posts they will know my wife is a vanilla, middle of the bed, missionary woman. Whilst I’m not exactly an exhibitionist, I’m willing to try anything twice. We did explore mild bondage before we had our son, then sex took a nosedive. Now we have just found out we are expecting another child and i just know that sex is going to be put to the side for the foreseeable (was over a year last time). My secret is I’ve amassed a fair toy collection since we had or son. On the rare occasions i have free time i like nothing more than having prostate orgasms with my 2 aneros massagers. Or taking my fleshlight doggy style while being very vocal. Or using nipple suckers while trying to ejaculate hands free (also with an aneros in). I also bought a strap on and harness and so desperately want to be pegged. I’m to scared to tell her because i think she’ll take it the wrong way (is it possible to cheat with yourself)? Or she might think me less of a man as i like anal play. I’ve been so depressed in the past at the lack of intimacy shown to me in the past 5 years, it led to severely bad times. Really don’t know how to deal with it. Think she secretly know I’m kinky, but always skips round any comments i make to change subject. Sorry for writing war and peace
A few of us have been here and i only gave similar advice yesterday, if you love you wife and she loves you, she will understand your fantasies and needs- she may not do anything about it, it you will feel so much better about it being in the open.
My wife knows I think about sex all day long, where as she thinks about it once a month.
She just gets on with it and if I need 5 mins, she will shut the door and go make a tea.
Honesty is the best policy.
She can’t be angry if you are honest.
It’s difficult @Scottishfunk
I hid my fantasies and kinks for years after being told I was weird by a bloke over 30 years ago…my boyfriends always knew I’d try anything twice though. I ended up with someone and had no sex with him for more than a decade…heard every excuse under the sun…I tried it all…bought underwear…toys… a strap on…nothing worked.
Blamed myself for my awful body…it took a while but realised it was him and not me. That realisation helped me to move forward and to feel more in touch with my own sexual needs.
If she knows you think about sex all the time then she probably knows anyway. Tell her and it may stop you from feeling guilty which will help you. The last thing you need with another child on the way is for you to end up back where you were @Scottishfunk
You need to be open and honest with her…you have been faithful and have done nothing wrong.
No need for an apology…lots of members on the forum have gone through similar or are going through similar…you’re not alone.
Sex can definately be a bone of contention in a relationship if sex drives arent matched but there needs to be an understanding on both sides. My hubby is as horny as teenage boy with a playboy mag whereas i tend to not really think about it. Thats not to say we dont have sex. I can still be turned on and i still enjoy it. In fact im the kinky one and he has embraced my interests when time allows. (We have kids so kinky time has to be planned)
He understands that my sex drive is not high and there may be periods of time when i may only entertain sex once a week and i understand that his is much higher and he will spend time with his toys.
I dont think you can cheat with yourself but i think its important that if you think youre ‘sneaking’ around that you have a conversation. Youre into things she isnt into. Theres no shame in that but talk to her about it. She may surprise you. If she loves you she wont think less of you. She may not want to engage in it and thats fine.
You say you experimented in mild bondage but then she fell pregnant. She may be interested in trying again every now and then.
Sex should be fun and there should be no embarrassment in talking about your desires and fantasies!
Earlier this year, after being together for nearly 30 years, I opened up to my wife a lot on what kinks turn me on. We were on holiday, and some rum was involved, but I shared my liking for wearing lingerie, my fascination with trans women and we watched some porn together. This lead to us talking about pegging and her masturbating (with me and when she’s on her own) She was supportive of (most) of my kinks, and even put an order in to M&S to buy me some panties. We also put a big order into LH and she now has a selection of toys and a couple of outfits.
One thing that helped move the discussion on was watching some porn, but also some Channel 4 TV shows - there was one with Alice Levine, but the one that we both really enjoyed particularly was the Good Girls guide to Kinky Sex. It’s still on catch up, and would really help a chat about ‘spicing things up a bit’ and which of these things work for you? They even touch on pegging (and use the harness we bought!!), it may be a good way of starting the discussion, and as it’s on TV not the difficult step that going staring to porn may be.
Good luck on your journey.
I think the problem 99.9999% of us have, men and women, we have this built in feeling that somehow our partners should “know” what we want and we feel aggrieved when they don’t live up to that expectation. We have to learn to talk to each other but more importantly we have to learn to listen. You either have to be true to yourself and raise the subject, accepting that their maybe negative consequences or, you have to stay comfortably miserable. I lived exactly the way you are. Now my wife has died and I am starting out again, one of the first things I raise is that I have some peculiar wants and needs in the bedroom department, I don’t go full on, but I let them know the basics and that there is far more that I would like to explore. I would rather be pushed away in the beginning than bogged down in something that isn’t satisfactory to both of us again. Communication is the only solution to the problem of having to creep around during the odd snatched moment or as the frustration builds, hoping the other half will take the kids off to her parents for a few days. The longer you go between snatched moments, the angrier you find yourself getting that they can’t read your mind. just one thing I would say is, don’t go in too hard with the things your partner might be frightened off by, negotiate starting with the milder stuff and building up to the more “extreme”. Also listen to your partner, if they genuinely object to some aspect, don’t push it, you might lose any ground have made. Ease back, you can always revisit that subject as your partner grows in confidence. Probably not the best idea to give her the “Art of pegging while rubbing his balls with a cheese grater volume 1” as a book to read and expect her to be overly enthusiastic.
I was called weird years ago for my kinks too @CurvyJilly, I really sympathise. After that I haven’t spoken to anyone about them, I just keep them to myself.
@Scottishfunk without knowing your wife this is so difficult to judge.
If my Husband had desires I wasn’t fulfilling Id want to know / have the opportunity to decide if its something Im up for. But we are all very sexual beings on this group so maybe all lean towards open mindedness?!
I dont see anal pleasure as an indication of male sexually at all. I know a gay guy who isn’t really a fan of anal and straight guys who love it. But I am also aware that stereotypes are alive and kicking.
Im sorry it doesn’t help but I hope you get where you want to be x
I remember your previous posts and can imagine how you must feel. It’s quite rare to find a partner with an equal sex drive and who matches your sense of adventure and urge to explore. It all comes down to honest conversation and compromise. If she’s unwilling to try new things, then don’t feel guilty about exploring them alone, and in answer to your question, NO i don’t think you can’t cheat with yourself, it’s your body to do with as you please.
Not sure if the new addition was planned, but try and be happy that you have a new baby on the way, and try and talk to your wife and tell her how sexy she is, because often it’s a lack of body confidence that kills a woman’s desire for sex.
Nobody has a perfect life, so you’re not alone, and there’s always someone here with similar experiences, advice and support, so don’t hesitate to ask if you’re struggling. I sincerely hope you can sort things out to both your satisfaction.
I was in a similar situation as @Scottishfunk for years and years after our second son was born. That situation continued until my wife passed away just over nine years ago.
I have since remarried and initially my new wife was a “nymph”… but over the last couple of years our sex life has really gone downhill (only three times this year so far…yes, I’m afraid I’m sad enough to record it…out of frustration!)
My wife now knows of my kinks and that I think about it all day, but no matter how I try to “Woo” her, nothing happens until she is ready… and then it is the same old routine.
I could write more, but this is not my thread. Just wanted @Scottishfunk know that he is not alone.
Edit:- I shall be watching this thread with much interest x
Nah defo can’t cheat on yourself especially if your not feeling fulfilled in your sexual desires. You’ve actually chosen a more healthy way to got about it as some would just cheat and risk imploding a great relationship.
Also with pegging, even though your wife may not be into exploring it definitely doesn’t make you any less of a man to enjoy anal as surprisingly it’s widely practiced amongst straight couples and in a funny way I was once told it takes a strong man to take it up the bum
I’m not sure wether it’s something your wife will ever try with you but there’s defo ways around doing things solo so your not missing out on pleasures you want to explore.
Have you tried in the recent past to open up about your kinky side with her and said about things you’d like to explore other than the light bondage?
Sadly, so many people have closed minds, the sexual revolution may have broken the barriers if AIDS hadn’t come along, it set the kinky set back by several decades. There are signs that things are changing. Perhaps lockdown helped the cause. I admire your open-mindedness as that is my attitude.
Lots of excellent replies already, and not a massive amount I can add to it, other than the obvious suggestion of talking things through with her, and maybe if she usually avoids or changes subject, bring her back to it and let her know this is important to you.
I can really relate to what you have put here. It is important to recognize intimacy doesn’t have to mean kink, and for a lot of people they don’t see it the two as one. I happen to be of similar mind, and a lot of others on here will be, strangely enough. For me, kink and pleasing my OH is like a creative outlet to express how I feel. It is two of us being vulnerable together, and for me that is as intimate as it can get. My OH however doesn’t not have those same beliefs, so although she enjoyed the kink, it didn’t mean the same for her.
It is worth having a think about what it is you really need, rather than want, before the conversation - i.e. is this about kink or intimacy?
That might be where the ‘possible to cheat with yourself’ thought comes from, did the kink develop more to replace the intimacy that went missing?
I would imagine if your conversation was around lack of intimacy, feeling neglected and rejected (assumption on feelings, its how it makes me feel), and simply sharing how things are for you, and you asking her how she feels in that sense too without making it a sex or kink thing. If she feels the intimacy is there, what does that look like for her? What felt intimate to you prior to your sons arrival?
Of course, there is a big chance I have just typed a lot of nonsense that is not relevant in terms of you or your wife, as it isn’t a direct answer to your question. It’s more a reflection of trying to picture myself in your position based on the knowledge in the post
This subject resonates with me because my drive is much higher than my wife’s and I am open to many more kinks than she is. I used to worry about talking about it and built it up in my head until it became quite overwhelming.
I would advise to start talking about it and work up. If you launch in talking about wanting to be pegged then that can be a lot to deal with in one conversation with no build up. But if you talk about your desire to be satisfied while respecting her boundaries and not wanting it, that will give you a strong foundation to build upon
I have been in a very similar position to you and in many ways still am. My wife has a very low intetest in sex and while she did accommodate some of my kinks for a short and wonderful time, it was turned off like a tap after a particular damaging bit of advice she recieved from a relationship counsellor she met with due to her lack of sexual interests. My opinion is if your partner refuses to show an intetest in your desires / needs or they explicity put you down because of your desires then they no longe have any right or place to be in that part of your life either so dont let them have a hold over your emotions. I used to share absolutely everything with my wife and would have given her the world in the past, but since her “breakthrough” advice and subsequent actions, I found myself in a very dark place and didnt see much point in life at all but since then, I have come to see things clearer and realised that we are no longer soul mates and that she is no longer someone that I will share my intimate feelings / desires with but there are still postives to staying together and I hope that she may one day see things differently. That being said, until that day or the day that it becomes too much for me, I have started working on a get out plan and discontinued our joint banking accounts , change my will etc and started putting money away for a fresh start without her. Life is too short to let somone pull you down and make you feel bad about yourself just because of your very normal sexual desires so if your partner is not willing to try to understand or accept you, then they probably dont deserve to be with you either but that is something only you can decided for yourself. There are many people in similar situations to you and you are not in the wrong so try not blame youself - first and foremost, look after your own mental health first as that the most important thing for you and your children in the long run.
How are you doing @Scottishfunk ?
Hope you’re feeling more at ease with yourself.
Hopefully talking here has given you a bit of an outlet, it sounds like you really needed to have that talk and say some things ‘out loud’.
Whatever turns you on is not wrong and no one should make you feel like it is.
In the last year of my marriage there was no sex, previous to that it was only if I initiated it and after a while it felt like I was being a pest so I stopped and that started the year of no sex. I think frustration made me kinky, the lack of sexual intimacy drove my imagination and all sorts of ‘depravity’ really turned me on. That marriage ended in 2014.
My next relationship was very physically touchy feely intimate but it was 2 yrs of samey sex that at the time I thought was the best sex of my life because I was madly in love with him. It was not.
I went on a swinging site after that ended with every intention of doing all the things I’ve missed out on and thats where I met my current sexual partner.
He is different from anyone that I’ve ever been with and really it is all down to communication. Both of us will try anything that the other wants to experience.
It helped that there were no expectations to begin with, no relationship, no commitment other than to be completely honest with what we want. I’ve never been as free to be myself and I really hope that someday you are able to say the same.
I would start with a conversation about non sexual intimacy and take baby steps from there. Intimacy is so important in a relationship and with a new baby on the way you could probably both really do with reconnecting in that way and falling in love all over again.
Good luck, I’m glad you have this safe space to talk openly.
Hi @OlderDude and good luck. My wife and I have been together 17 years and always had a great sex life.
Early on I discovered that she had some sex toys and some pornos and we watched some porn together and used some sex toys which I’d never done before.
Those sex toys are now mega out dated and in the bin.
We have much better new love honey LH toys how that have really spiced up our sex lives.
We have played the free x confession games to see what kinks and sex acts we would like to try and match on and are slowly working through them.
We’ve done anal a few times which is a massive turn on for me, does nothing for but she’s willing a few times a year and she actually likes wearing butt plugs occasionally how for vagiba sex with her which is a bit like dp double penetration.
We love wearing using vibrating cock rings makes her cum orgasm a lot and easily.
Lube is great.
I got turned on by the idea of being pegged by her to help me achieve prostate orgasms which I’ve been close too.
I showed her a famous USA TV show where a woman loves it when a man asks her to peg her but it did nothing for my wife and she doesn’t want to try that which is fine so that’s one fantasy I’ll never be able to fullfil but I’m fine with that.
I appreciate the concern @CurvyJilly Have good days and bad days. Todays not been great, the in laws are here Still haven’t had a talk with my wife yet so still no closer to feeling liberated.
At these times it’s important to stay positive but realistic , this has grown over a long time so it’s not going to go away without honesty,and some conversations that you might not like the answers to , but they are still answers you didn’t have before you started talking
Just know you are not alone, this forum has helped me so much,I now know that It’s ok to feel how i feel
So when you’re feeling down , get on this thread and let it out ,getting thoughts out is so important
The fact that you have put your feelings on here shows courage
None of us on this forum can walk in your shoes , but we can walk with you