I've just posted on the "When did you have last have sex" thread and it got me thinking. I had a search for a thread on this topic, but couldn't find anything.
My Wife and I have been struggling to have an active and interesting sex life for some years, primarily due to having a family (2 children aged 16 and 18 now), work stress etc... We have been trying to improve this since around March last year with varying success, it's getting better and we are talking more, however, we still have the odd problem.
I love my Wife with all my heart always have done and always will. I can still remember the day I saw her 37 years ago and the attraction I felt towards her; I still feel that attraction today. I think we are very lucky as we have friends and family who have separated and divorced, some of them with significant pain.
So in thinking through last night I may have initially been "too respectful" towards my Wife (see the other thread) and should have also thought about my own needs. When I think back over the years I've always put my Wife's needs first beacuse I love her, but it ignores my needs and I'd be lying if it didn't on occasions cause resentment and frustration for me. Something further for us to discuss about our relationship.
So I'd be interested in peoples, experiences, views, opinions on the following question, hopefully it may start a debate.
Can you be too respectful to have a great sex life ?
I don't think you can ever be too respectful, and in my experience the more respect I feel, in terms of communication and trust, the better the sex is.
However, I think you can be too shy/non-communicative, if you don't feel comfortable discussing your wants and desires with your sexual partners then this could hinder your sex life.
I don't think you can ever be too respectful, and in my experience the more respect I feel, in terms of communication and trust, the better the sex is.
However, I think you can be too shy/non-communicative, if you don't feel comfortable discussing your wants and desires with your sexual partners then this could hinder your sex life.
+1. I don’t think respectful is the word I’d use either. There are plenty of other things that can hinder someone’s sex life with their partner though. Upbringing, religion, circumstances, previous bad experiences, lack of communication etc.
If you are feeling resentment, you definitely need to talk to your partner about where you both stand and how you are feeling or the frustration will only continue to build and could begin to impact other aspects of your relationship.
I don't think you can ever be too respectful, and in my experience the more respect I feel, in terms of communication and trust, the better the sex is.
However, I think you can be too shy/non-communicative, if you don't feel comfortable discussing your wants and desires with your sexual partners then this could hinder your sex life.
+1. I don’t think respectful is the word I’d use either. There are plenty of other things that can hinder someone’s sex life with their partner though. Upbringing, religion, circumstances, previous bad experiences, lack of communication etc.
If you are feeling resentment, you definitely need to talk to your partner about where you both stand and how you are feeling or the frustration will only continue to build and could begin to impact other aspects of your relationship.
I am not going to harp on about communication in a relationship as that is like "showing a duck how to suck eggs " and you know all this .
But sometimes like Jez has mentioned we can shy away from asking what we really want or expect from our partners. I am no different here . There are some things that perhaps I would like her to do to me but not sure on how she would react and with her being more submissive I doubt she would be able to carry out my wishes confidently. So sometimes we all have to make compromises in our relationships and make best of what we have and like you mentioned to be thankful of that . Believe me at 50+ you would not want to be single as its like dog eat dog out there with many people we know ending their relationships for one reason or another.
However if your putting so much effort into making your wife happy on content I would expect some sort of return and perhaps thats an area where you may feel you need to addressing and perhaps a talk with her may help.
Thanks for the comments and I fully agree on the communication in a relationship.
I was thinking about the definition of respect. That includes not just causing no harm, but also avoiding offence or potential for offence. Respect also covers holding people in high esteem, or that you are deferential to them or their wishes over your own.
okay so let me rephrase the question does being too respectful hinder open and honest communication ?
I think respect is the wrong word really in terms of this sort of situation, you can be over cautious and that’s where problems lie. People worry about offending or being seen in a bad light when it comes to sex and this is all down to communication. Respect is the fact that you want your partner to be loved, understand her emotions and physical well-being and be a good partner by being loyal and a team partner.
It sounds to me like you have a lot of things bottled up which you need to let go and talk about, for instance my partner thought I hated oral and I was frustrated that I never got it, and in my head I didn’t want to confront her in case she felt not good enough. Then one day I just said I missed them and we both laughed as we had the wrong ideas. It’s simple moments like that which can change a million things.
I can understand you feel like you don’t want to cause offence or upset your partner but part of communication is both sides understanding. I no longer keep anything hidden emotionally and it’s done wonders for us, also made me realise my partner is just as much as a freak as I am 😂
I think lil_known69 is right in that over cautious might be a better way to describe than respect and I think the problem is both get merged and confused when communication slips, it's easy to be over cautious when you have a lot of respect for someone.
Both parties can miss out. I think in 'real life' I come across as being quite demure, well spoken and innocent when given the chance I could talk filth with the best of them and have probably tried a number of things they haven't even considered. People respect that outward appearance and I am terrible at reading people so I don't tend to push the line very often, I need people to be open with me, this has left me on occasion wanting to scream and say "look do you want to fuck me or not!" Of course I am also too afraid of the answer so it's a bit of an impossible situation and because of (possibly) over-caution on both sides, both miss out.
I hope this hasn't taken this off track, and I'm not 100% what my point is but interesting discussion.
I've just posted on the "When did you have last have sex" thread and it got me thinking. I had a search for a thread on this topic, but couldn't find anything.
My Wife and I have been struggling to have an active and interesting sex life for some years, primarily due to having a family (2 children aged 16 and 18 now), work stress etc... We have been trying to improve this since around March last year with varying success, it's getting better and we are talking more, however, we still have the odd problem.
I love my Wife with all my heart always have done and always will. I can still remember the day I saw her 37 years ago and the attraction I felt towards her; I still feel that attraction today. I think we are very lucky as we have friends and family who have separated and divorced, some of them with significant pain.
So in thinking through last night I may have initially been "too respectful" towards my Wife (see the other thread) and should have also thought about my own needs. When I think back over the years I've always put my Wife's needs first beacuse I love her, but it ignores my needs and I'd be lying if it didn't on occasions cause resentment and frustration for me. Something further for us to discuss about our relationship.
So I'd be interested in peoples, experiences, views, opinions on the following question, hopefully it may start a debate.
Can you be too respectful to have a great sex life ?
From my experience whenever we have a discussion about who does what for who they generally level out and we find that we are both giving and taking in equal measures but what we perceive as important that we are giving and taking are often different both in day to day life and in our sexual lives.
Respect does not mean ignoring anyone’s contributions or needs, it’s about acknowledging them, understanding and compromising to find a happy medium but doing it in a supportive, caring and non-judgemental manner regardless of whether the answer is yes or no.
I think, as you already said, talking about your needs and letting her talk about hers is the way to go, then if you’re not happy with the answer you will need to review what’s important and what isn’t and where to go from there.
Thanks these are all really good points. Now I reflect I've become fearful of her reaction to me opening up a conversation about our relationship and love life. I'm just back from my usual 10k run, it's nice to meditate whilst running. We had been communicating really well in the last 2 months and I thought we were making progress, but this week she asked me stop talking about us and our love life, she is fed up of it. She also wants to stop our recent agreement to make love once a week, that lasted 2 out of the last 3 weeks. To be fair we had some very loving moments together that I thought we both enjoyed. I'm feeling a little confused by all this, maybe I've been overly communicative, but for now it seems I need to back off. Love and respect to all.
Thanks these are all really good points. Now I reflect I've become fearful of her reaction to me opening up a conversation about our relationship and love life. I'm just back from my usual 10k run, it's nice to meditate whilst running. We had been communicating really well in the last 2 months and I thought we were making progress, but this week she asked me stop talking about us and our love life, she is fed up of it. She also wants to stop our recent agreement to make love once a week, that lasted 2 out of the last 3 weeks. To be fair we had some very loving moments together that I thought we both enjoyed. I'm feeling a little confused by all this, maybe I've been overly communicative, but for now it seems I need to back off. Love and respect to all.
Bye
MS@50
I do empathise a little with you here. It sounds like in your OH's eyes that she is being pressured for sex . I am pretty sure that is not the case from your viewpoint . If she feels this way then perhaps you need to find other areas whereby you can get some intimacy from. Perhaps do more things together rather than doing your own thing. Invite her on a short run for example or instead a walk. It gets you out of the house and talking with each other.I dont know how you normally treat each other in the house. For example me and my Mrs are quite a touchy feely couple . She enjoys me lifting her blouse up at the back and unclipping her bra to give her a nice back scratch . If we are sitting down she will place a hand on me unless I am painting my models .If she bends over I will give her a playful spank on her backside. All these type of things help us to keep close without having sex all the time . So I dont know whether we are normal here but perhaps its something you could think about and adopt similar ways.
When we go out we dance with each other very closely and others have commented on the chemistry betwen us . All these type of things bring you close together .
The only thing I am not keen on from what you have posted is the agreement to make love once a week . That does sound to me a little formal . I prefer the siutation whereby you make love when you are both ready and not just when one party wants it. This agreement way well work for you or perhaps it doesnt, hence her objection. When you both want it thats when it will feel good for both of you .
To conclude I think perhaps both of you need to find other ways of being close together without having to visit the bedroom .
Jut a quick note, any “rules” in a couples sex life such as making sure you have sex once a week can cause serious issues as this makes sex more of a chore than something intimate and should be completely disregarded. The more relaxed both parties are the better the sex will be and the more satisfying the experience
The scheduling idea came from a relate book. I don't want to go over old ground, but we have a track record of long periods of no sex, the worst was 2 years, our average in the last 17years of our marriage has been around 2 to 4 times a year. When we did used to have sex she used to joke about whether it was my birthday or Christmas. Leaving it to "chance" hasn't worked well for us. Regarding other forms of intimacy my Wife isn't keen on any displays of intimacy apart from hand holding. Again from the relate book it suggested more kisses, hugs, cuddles etc.. And I have been making a concerted effort to do this at others times. So thanks Mysteron for that advice as it does bring us closer together. My wife likes a back scratch, but the idea of unclipping her bra whilst in the kitchen, for example, would freak her out. We have managed the odd passionate kiss during the day and she even recounted how we used to do that years ago, so there is some "memory" and even willingness. During our first scheduled love making session we agreed to take it in turns to stroke each other's bodies, she went first and it was lovely. When it was my turn I found it all a bit overwhelming to be carassed and stroked so lovingly and I couldn't fight back my sobs and tears. It's been years since my wife touched me in such an affectionate way. Boy, we sound really screwed up. By the way I have suggested we see a relate counsellor, but she will not entertain the idea, hence we agreed on the book, that was last year around this time. She got to the 4th chapter and when it started to analyse our relationship she stopped reading it. Recently I've been rereading it trying to encourage her to finish it, but with no success. I've been taking ideas from the relate book and suggesting these to her and we were getting somewhere. Who knows maybe she will come around to making a few more steps forward. She's away this weekend with some friends so I'm at home with my beautiful daughters. Good timing for me to "take a break" too. Thanks again to all of you for the support and ideas.
Thanks these are all really good points. Now I reflect I've become fearful of her reaction to me opening up a conversation about our relationship and love life. I'm just back from my usual 10k run, it's nice to meditate whilst running. We had been communicating really well in the last 2 months and I thought we were making progress, but this week she asked me stop talking about us and our love life, she is fed up of it. She also wants to stop our recent agreement to make love once a week, that lasted 2 out of the last 3 weeks. To be fair we had some very loving moments together that I thought we both enjoyed. I'm feeling a little confused by all this, maybe I've been overly communicative, but for now it seems I need to back off. Love and respect to all.
Bye
MS@50
Hey MS@50.
So from the sound of this, it’s not about respect but rather about consideration of each other in your relationship and it does sound quite one sided leaving you in an unhappy place. My last post was assuming that you respect her more than she respects you and that by making a conscious effort and respecting her less she would respect you more. It never ever works like that. If you want more respect you have to give it to yourself and say you’re worth it which you are.
Don’t be scared of discussing your sexual needs with her though even if she blocks you, you have a right to tell her how you feel, and also don’t be scared to tell her she isn’t addressing your needs but make it more about your needs rather than about her. Ask yourself the question, If she wanted to talk to you about something important to her and you refused to participate or talk about it how would she react?
Give her suggestions on how you can both address the issues but be sure not to force ultimatums unless you’re sure you want the possible repercussions. Just be aware that the idea of changing someone with brute willpower never ever works and can cause a lot of resentment.
she sounds like she is uncomfortable discussing sex so be really gentle but be sure to include in that that it’s not working for you as it is.
I think quite a lot of couples are in this sort of situation but that doesn’t make it ok, I’m not quite sure where people get it in their heads that sex stops at 50 because it’s just plain wrong. Just be aware that if she digs her heels in then your options narrow quite dramatically and you may have to decide what’s really important to you in terms of your relationship and your sexuality.
Im sorry this advice sounds quite negative but I think the fear you are feeling is because you already know that what I just wrote is true. I hope you manage to sort this out so you can be happy and we will be here to chat if you need us.
I think quite a lot of couples are in this sort of situation but that doesn’t make it ok, I’m not quite sure where people get it in their heads that sex stops at 50 because it’s just plain wrong. Just be aware that if she digs her heels in then your options narrow quite dramatically and you may have to decide what’s really important to you in terms of your relationship and your sexuality.
This "life stops at 50 malarky" really annoys me . For me anyway life started at 50 . Sex wise we are probably enjoying it much more albeit not as often and exploring new things . I am also probably fitter now than when I was in my 40s so more sex positions are now more accessable .
I think people do get more adventurous when it comes to sex as you get older and more experienced .Also the kids by then tend to be grown up and independent leaving more quality time to spend with each other .
And if Sun Life send me one more over 50s Insurance plan letter I wil return it to them without a stamp !
I went in to more details on the post that didn't post, so I'll be more brief.
Being over 50 is not the issue, but starting a family when we were 35 has caused my Wife to become very inhibited, it's as if she has re-trained herself to have little or no sexual desire. The presence of our daugthers in the house causes her to become "stressed" and she struggles to enjoy intimacy and love making. That's been a big learning point from our discussions in the last year.
Having recognised this issue I suggested last year that we schedule love making for during the day, we now both don't work, whilst the girls were at school and college. She rejected that idea as she said it was indulgent and there were always chores to be doing instead. Well 2 months ago I raised this idea again and we tried this 3 weeks ago and I actually think it is working. Being Easter week we agreed to try one evening, but this hasn't worked out too well as per this thread.
Well there is an update. Last night my Wife said she had been dissapointed with how things had gone this week and she wanted to make love before she went away for the weekend. That took her significant courage and I don't think she would have done that previously. After the girls went to bed, she got showered and then she came downstairs in a sexy chemise that we had bought from LH last year. We had agreed to buy a door stop for our bedroom to provide her some reassurance that we wouldn't be disturbed, so she put that on and then we lay side by side. We didn't make love as we were too tired in the end, but we kissed and touched affectionately and lovingly, it was beautiful.
The highs, lows and highs of a relationship.
Talking is very important, re-visiting ideas is also important. Making love during the day has helped my Wife realise that she does enjoy it and that we can find ways to make her "relax" and get over the anxiety of being potentially "discovered". I've also learned something important and, Mr Pheebs, you are right to point it out to me. I have to go at the "pace" my Wife is comfortable with, not just because I'm desperate that I want something to change or happen. She was just reacting to me, it wasn't that we weren't making progress.
Thanks again to all of you for your help and advice. It's very humbling to think that there are people out there that I don't know, but they care to take time out to help. This LH social space is very special.
I have been having a long think about comparing yourselves with us.
Somthing that did bring us close together when we had a blip some years ago before discovering the Lovehoney site. is giving a massage. I think this is a good way of being intimate and gives pleasure I think to both the giver and receiver. There willl also be an option at the end to make love should both of you feel ready.
We ended up getting a book on sensual massage from here which gave plenty of tips and ideas.Unless you have really a warm room its more of a summer thing for us when its a bit warmer.