Do you have any other toys? I was hoping for a long double ended Dildo. She keeps telling me that I am so distant at times. That way, we can be far apart and still be joined together. I'm sure it will be the solution to this long distance relationship thingy.
I like the idea of that, I'm sure I have just the right toy for you...
Hoare: None of these are good enough man, I told her my donger was this big!
Wainwright: Good luck keeping her around!
"So I was telling her it was huge, like massive, and then......
wait, that black dildo just wink at me?"
- "I caught a fish and it was thissss big" !
- "Yeah right, dude" !!! :-)
I am telling you it was this big.
Thank god for antibiotics.
I tried to attempt spooning in "bath" butt was only this wide!
"did you hear about the toy love honey has introduced?",
"no what is it".?
"its a 13inch realistic squirting invisible dildo".
"really?"
"yeah you'll never see it coming."
I unpacked my bag and got out my best LH dildos, she looked me up and down and said " that's nothing... Wait until you see my stash... My best one is this big!".
So I said to her "You mean to tell me you can use all of these at the same time....even the mug?!"
Hoare "Pffftttt.... total cheek!"
Wainwright " Why, because she likes toys?"
Hoare" NO - That she likes toys and I'm hung like a donkey! No joke mate... Mines this big! Like huge"
Wainwright "Alrighty then! I'm assuming you're a grower from our urinal love-ins"
"I'm not uncrossing my arms until Easter's over, I've died for you sinners once before.....And you lot here are sinners right"
"Oh Jesus, so how about an Easter Love-egg this big..."
Wainwright "so what's the shortest sex has lasted for you"
Hoare "this long"
Wainwright "I don't even know what to say to that."
Hey, look at this! It's a prototype that Lovehoney are working on together with Bristol Zoo's breeding programme. Apparently, some animals aren't getting T on enough so Lovehoney are stepping in to help.
This is an invisible, elephant ball stretcher - obviously it has to be invisible so as not to shock the public but. Look.
*visual gag alert*
Makes a great Hula Hoop too!
What advice do you have for someone buying their first sex toy from Lovehoney?
David: If you're buying a dildo always think long and hard!
🎶If your horny and you know it clap your hands
"That big, David? No wonder they call you a Hoare."
"so I've been told to bring back something this big that puts a smile on her face"
"what you thinking? Great American Challenge? "
" deep dish hawaiian"
When I met her in the club I thought she was a stunner took her back home and she had one this big...... I mean WOW!!
Lessons in spanking
Hoare: So you bend her over, keep your fingers together and palm flat and aim your hand towards her bottom.
Wainwright: Mate, the only thing you've ever spanked is the monkey.
"I just couldn't believe it...She's vajazzled herself, but at least it matched the buttplug"