Confused with spanking intensity

My OH enjoys being spanked or so he says. We use the traffic light system. He stops at middle intensity but later on he says I should have ignored him and spanked harder. Is his expectation different from reality? Will I use a restraint?

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Hi and welcome.

Honestly, that’s major red flag from him. In your position, I don’t think I could trust the person to be able to spank them.

You need to have a chat with him when you are both clear headed (ie not horny!) and find out what he actually wants.

For some people, saying things like “no, no, no” and begging to stop is an automatic response to certain stimulation which is why safewords are used to make sure the person wants to stop. He shouldn’t be using agreed safewords as something you can ignore.

Now, if he has a fantasy about a more “forced” type scene then he needs to discuss that with you beforehand and you need to agree different safewords to use during those scenes so that you have the one you can ignore and the genuine one (assuming you are ok with that).

You said you use the traffic light system, do you both utilise yellow? The can be a little variance in what yellow means to some people, as for some it is more change up what you are doing, for others it’s a request to slow down and for some it’s just a pre warning that they are getting close to red. Make sure you are both on the same page with it, and see if there is a way he can call yellow and you alter the play enough to be able to continue for longer. That could be changing the impact spot, changing toys, slowing down/decreasing the intensity, or spending a few minutes not spanking (be that still groping/touching the area) or doing something else and then pick it up at a lower intensity than where you stopped.


Firstly, welcome to the forum.

Sorry, but your partner’s advice is potentially harmful at best, both to you and himself. You were absolutely right to stop when he asked you to. You said he asked you to stop at “middle” intensity, i’ll assume you mean “amber/yellow?”. If so, for most BDSM practitioners we would stop and check in. If he wants to carry on then you can do so, but never, ever ignore a safeword.

Well done for asking for advice :blush:

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He needs to rethink exactly what he wants.

There is no point in having an agreed set of boundaries if he wants you to ignore them.
If I were you I wouldn’t get involved with this activity again until he’s very clear about the signals he gives you and their exact meaning.

@Calie you pipped me to the post but I 100% agree, that would be a big red flag for me too. I’ve had partners in the past who wanted me to “abuse me no matter what” and I’ve just gotten up and walked away. I’ve got a reputation to uphold and I won’t risk that, not for anyone.

There’s no point having safe words and/or a traffic light system if your partner then tells you to ignore it.
You need to discuss this and come up with some other way that he can express wanting you to stop……without wanting you to stop.

Have a word that means stop - sage word, that you wouldn’t normally say during sex… Then ypu continue until he spouts that out

Welcome to the club and nice to hear from a fellow spanker

I often spank my husband and we use the traffic light system as well and it’s 100% vital both you know the rules as if he goes red and you continue- that would be abuse and not sex play

I do often find after we finish spanking he wants to go again after about 30 - 60 minutes but I’m reluctant to do so as his bottom is often very red - so I agree to do so as long as he wears his wet look knickers - this provides protection to his bum but also makes a really good sound

But please stick to the rules - if he wants harder spanking- then don’t say red…. Red means to stop!! :paddle:

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