Consent 101

One of the student bloggers, Eleni, wrote this piece about consent:

I thought I'd post this here in case it needs to be signposted to in the future. Feel free to add other resources/comments.

Thank you, that's an excellent article. I would add that the same rules apply no matter the legal status of the relationship e.g. a marriage licence isn't a licence to do whatever you want to your partner without unambiguous consent throughout every sexual encounter.

I think the same consent rules theoretically apply to sex workers but tragically, for many, the reality is very different.

I think the tea analogy is really useful. The really important part about consent that can't be stressed enough, in my opinion, is that individuals have the right to both give and WITHDRAW consent at ANY TIME, before or DURING sex or any sexual activity.

Again; let's look at the cup of tea analogy. You ask them if they wants a cuppa, they says yes. Great. You make them a cuppa and they take it and start drinking it. Fine. After half of it they decide they've had enough tea and put the cuppa down... don't then grab the tea and force the rest of it down their throat just because they said yes to a cup of tea and drank some of it! The reasons don't matter, they wanted tea before, they had tea, now they don't want tea, so don't force them to keep drinking tea.

There was a recent case in Ireland I think on the radio news, where basically a rapist got out of being charged in court because the defence were able to present the victims underware from the night of the incident, that happened to be a skimpy pair of nickers or thong or something with a see-through lace front. I was both angered and disgusted that this utter bull**** is still going on! In 2018!

When will people understand - not just people, but the ****ing learned (supposedly) people of law and justice - that it DOESN'T MATTER what the victim wears, what they do for recreation, how many sexual partners they've had, how sexually liberal and adventurous they are, how much they'd had to drink that night, how provocatively they were dancing, if they enjoyed the abusers company beforehand, laughed at their jokes, kissed them in the club, invited them back to their place... if they say no, IT MEANS NO! They are not obligated to have sex, or even to finish sex with that person after having started it, if they, for whatever reason (doesn't matter what it is), don't want to anymore and say no/stop/etc. IT. IS. RAPE. End of story.

Sorry for the rant by it makes me mad that this still goes on, even today, even in a court of law.

I couldn't agree more Eager-2-Please, and thanks for posting your endearing and honest perspective on this.

I can't go into detail on here as it's against the rules, I suffered trauma many years ago and didn't get the justice I deserved in court. Lets just say I was broken and mortified and won't ever get over it, as it hides at the back of my mind.

I despise the criminal justice system, allowing 'non-deserving' others to suffer injustice. I thank you for your words and acknowledgement of this devastating issue that affects so many.

You've hit the nail on the head that it shouldn't still be occurring in today's society - extremely sadly it does. xx Thanks.

Eager 2 please

just gonna echo what you’ve said, I too was a victim, sadly I wasn’t educated by my parents what sex was and although I knew what happened to me wasn’t right, I was also blamed for being at the abuser house, and if I had t of gone against my parents it wouldn’t of happened.

far to much victim blaming goes on, it shouldn’t matter what someone wears, etc, no on means no.

I left it to late to report, 10 months later, the Cps deamed there wasn’t enough evidence and I was left feeling like I wasted everyone’s time.


Eager2Please, I couldn't agree with you more on this!!!

Hi all, new to love honey forum in general, really glad to find a post on consent. I find "if in doubt, ask" a pretty good starting point for consent. Cw/Tw- mention of D/s dynamics, sexual abuse I operate a rolling/blanket consent model with my Dominant partner of 3 years, but a) we discuss EVERYTHING at length - especially when we first got together, b) we discuss EVERYTHING after we've done it and c) he still asks my thoughts if he's unsure about how I'd stand on something. He know my limits, likes, dislikes , safewords, safesignals, loves etc etc... I'm saddened to see so much talk of victim blaming. It took me a long time to process some of the things that happened to me, and to stop blaming myself. But - The only people responsible for abuse is the abusers.

Well said Em26th. Very well put.

KinkyMira wrote:

Well said Em26th. Very well put.

+1 totally agree with this. x

Alicia4Ever wrote:

Victims often blame themselves too, I did, after being raped. it took me a long time to see past that.

The pressure from society doesn't help does it. There's always so much talk of "what [victims] did to cause it". I find my tolerance of victim blaming these days is very low.