I'm feeling really mixed up about this and wondering if anyone has any experience of this?
I have a fair history of rape / sexual assault. My husband knees about abuse in my childhood but not the rest. At times we have dabbled a bit with very mild consent play (me playfully telling him to stop or not do something - he knows me very well, and any time I've told him to actually stop he has immediately, if it before).
Yesterday we were getting ready to go to an appointment and I went upstairs to get changed. We had been exchanging dirty messages all day and were both quite wound up. He started to touch me and I said no, we will be late although clearly I didn't mean it as I didn't tell him to stop in the way I would when I actually mean it (we don't have an actually safeword, I just say "okay, actually stop now" and he always does). For some reason I can't really understand it escalated very quickly - initiated by me, not by him. I was struggling to get away, telling him no, he was pinning me down. Again, I didn't actually tell him to stop and I was really into it. Within a few minutes I'd come a few times and he finished too.
Afterwards he was saying how bloody amazing it was, I think it's the most enthusiastic I've ever heard him be to be honest. Then he saw my face - I was on the verge of tears. While it was happening I was having an awesome time but as soon as it was done I felt very upset and mainly confused about why I had acted that way. I couldn't really get my head round why I was so upset, so I couldn't tell him. We got ready and he kept asking me if I was okay. He was very concerned.
By the evening I was an emotional wreck. I broke down and told him a lot of things he didn't know, about me being raped and assaulted by multiple people in my life. He was absolutely mortified and said he would never ever have done this if he had known, but it wasn't him who escalated it, it was me.
It feels so completely wrong that I could get so turned on by this after what I've been through. I do trust my husband absolutely and feel completely safe with him, so perhaps that's why I felt safe in the moment, but it brought up a lot of emotions afterwards.
What have i done? Is there something wrong with me? I'm normally pretty confident in my sexuality but this has really knocked me for six - if has taken me a long time to get past what happened and to be able to enjoy activities that were formerly used to assault me. In fact one is now one of my favourite things to do, and has no negative connotations for me at all, and that has everything to do with the trust in my husband since even when we've been unable to have sex for long periods he has never forced me or coerced me.
Why am I so upset about this? I'm not upset with him at all - he's done nothing wrong, although maybe some part of me is concerned by how much he enjoyed it but far more about how much I enjoyed it to be honest.