Coping with a huge difference in libido

OK all this is the big one. I’ve posted a lot today but this is the most important one. Most people on here seem to have a very high sex drive. I do too but my OH has very little interest in sex. She seems content to go for weeks or even months without any kind of sexual interaction and only seems to realise when I mention it. When we do have sex it’s very basic. Missionary and sometimes doggy but the later is more for me. She doesn’t like giving or receiving oral and usually keeps her nighty on. We’ve been together for nearly 20 years now. Our sex life was never very frequent but since we had kids it’s fallen off a cliff. Part of it I’m sure is her worrying about her looks. No amount of reassurance from me about her beauty and sexiness is enough. She’s tall, slim and genuinely beautiful. Not just ‘been together forever’ beautiful, properly so. To an extent I’ve given up hoping that our sex drive will even out and that she’ll get interested in the kinky stuff I’d like to try which means a fair bit of porn and masturbation on my part. I can content myself with that because I love her. Relationships and marriages are built on compromise after all. I would however like to know if anyone here has experience of this kind of disparity and whether they have found a solution?

I have not found a way to resolve this either. Your story is very much the same. Wife is very straight laced and we have not found anyway to improve thingsso if you do come up with ideas i would love to know.


Sending her dirty texts and pictures has been a sure fire way to get my lady in the mood some of her replies are a real turn on too

Would be great if there was something to help. I might suggest to my OH counselling.

Ok so this sounds a lot like how I used to be! Way back when (before kids) I was very much the way you describe your wife, my libido was none existent and it felt just like a chore having sex, for me it was just because the sex wasn’t very good at all. I’m not saying it’s the same for you guys but it’s the honest truth, for me it wasn’t. But it was only because I didn’t really know what I was into, my partner at the time would always ask what I liked or was into to try new things but I just didn’t know and was a little shy around exploring too. As the years have passed and with a new partner I have relaxed massively, I’ve stopped worrying about my body (another huge thing for me) I explored what I liked with a ever growing collection of toys and now because it’s everything I love and my partner loves it’s better than ever and it’s helped my libido shoot through the roof and it has remained very high since. I’m not saying all is the exact same for your wife, but you seem a lot more confident in what you like sexually, and if she is of similar mind set to what I was as in, it’s not that great but I don’t really know what would make it greater either so I’ll juet avoid it all together, then that could be the culprit. You could maybe genuinely sit her down and have a really big discussion and lay all of everything out on the table, say it’s getting to you, don’t make her feel bad for it but suggest looking through sex toys together, trying new things together, baby steps as it were and maybe if she’s body conscious look into getting some lingerie? It will help! Again this is nothing against you but if your sex life has never been too adventurous or exciting then maybe that’s the culprit, best of luck to you!! It can get better it’s just finding what works for you :)

BunnyBomb2015 that is truly brilliant and inspirational advice! Hearing what it’s like from a woman’s perspective is exactly what I wanted to hear. Thank you very much for sharing that. I have for years felt ashamed and embarrassed about my desires and felt I am in the wrong for wanting more and more varied sex. Something changed in me about three months ago and I no longer feel that way. That’s when I started experimenting with toys and anal play on my own. You’ve read my previous posts and know I’ve been on citalopram and other things for many years for depression. I’ve started a CBT course as well as headspace meditation and have come to realise that me not considering my own thoughts, feelings and desires is at the root of my self esteem issues. Trying constantly to please everyone other than myself has made me the way I am and slowly and carefully voicing my opinions and thoughts with respect to others is the long term solution. I took your advice and had the beginnings of the frank discussion about sex you suggested. Nothing too heavy just yet but I think it’s the first proper, sober discussion about our sex life we’ve had! Obviously I can’t tell if anything will change long term but whatever happens, I’m very pleased we had that first chat!

Also the lingerie suggestion is a great idea. Browsing now!

Glad to help!! Honestly for me the main wake up call to more sex was just exploring and trying new things, normal sex I just don’t get much enjoyment out of! That’s just me- but with toys and other things I love it. So glad my advice helped! Sometimes it’s nothing to do with the other person, it’s a personal thing that like me, your wife will have to find what works but seems as you are a bit more experienced in all of that through exploring a bit more that’ll really help ☺️ Hope it all works out for you guys!!

its a tough one this. Couple of ways to address this. I dont think sending her dirty texts if she has low self esteem will help. it seems pushy. I

I had the same experience as you, i enjoyed sex but not that adverturous because of self esteem as well. but decided when trying to spice sex life after kids and thought f*ck it, I shouldnt be ashamed and embraced a interest in broadening horizons and not ashamed of it anymore. getting a LH account was the best thing i did to help myself. My OH is behind me on this curve however!

Bunny Bomb2015 has great advice. Do as she says and start a conversation and be honest. As you said you have nothing to feel ashamed about for your sexual desires and you need to be honest you have had a change in how you feel. Your OH probably wont be in the position where she feels comfortable to change her mindset just like that, it will need lots of time. There is a chance she might blow your out but be honest, say its really affecting the relationship and i find you attractive and want to take it further. Dont make it i am frustrated conversation.

Hopefully like Bunnybomb your OH can relax and begin experimenting but dont get disheartned if you get the opposite reaction and she closes up. If she has had such deep seated self esteem issues she probably needs some help in general,, I would approach it on that basis that you want to help her first to feel better about herself.. The better sex only comes after she is in a better place. As you said, you think she is gorgeous but for her to feel better she has to feel gorgeous herself and your telling her just isnt the same.

you said she hates oral and keeps her nighty on, assume she feels sex is dirty?

As for my OH she is not as bad as your OH but also bought up to feel her body is dirty and has never ahem really interacted with it.! Exactly the same as you, telling her she is gorgeous and her body is perfectly normally in every way and nothing to be ashamed about didnt really work. I have tried to get her to explore herself in what she would like but i can see she is still hesitant to try. Its all self esteem, whe she is feeling happier and more confident she is willing to experiement more. I wont lie to you, if your OH is up for addressing it, then it takes time!

Good luck and you are not on your own i am sure there is plenty of the population in the same boat as you.

I am in a similar boat . My wife is disabled and is a chornic pain patient . For many years she was a bit timid , but was up for many things . Besides being in pain which resulted in her gaining weight and losing more self esteem . She feels bad about it and even gave me permition to get a fuckbuddy , she just did not want to hear about it . Been together for 31 years and I just could not do that . So for me it is toys fantacies and porn . Been buying toys for years and only started buying them here in last few years . So the forums and posting pictures are my therapy . My other release is flirting with women I know . My favorite flirt was a lady I worked with . We have not been in contact with for some years , one must be careful when flirting .

I hope this is helpful from a woman's perspective:

1. I often feel easily into "mom mode" where I was so engrossed in the kids and their needs that it was hard for me to tap inot "sexy woman mode"... My mind was always racing about he kids or I was scared the kids would hear us, etc.... so to help me / him with getting sex back we started having sex away from the house or getting the kids completly out of the house.

2. Body confidence after having kids was lacking / I just did not feel sexy in my own skin. Honestly his comments about my "gut" did not help for a long time and he finally relaized it was hurting me deeply and hurting our sex life... so I started playing with more lingerie looks and left on the lingerie for sexual play. Now lingerie is a huge confience boost and if I am struggling to get in the mood I simply pick and lingerie piece and it helps me get in the mood.

3. Consider if hormones or depression are a factor... for that she may need to talk to a doctor.

4. work on intimacy that does not always end in actual sex, just holding hands, kissing more often, non sexual massage can bring you physically closer as a couple.

I hope this is helpful and is off the top of my head ATM...

I'm the one with the highest sex drive at home. My husband isn't interested in sex due to depression but not only. It took me long to understand that it had nothing to do with my looks (so I had to deal with his low sex drive and my absolute lack of self steem). But once I could dig this, I told him he had the lead: whenever he felt like having sex, he could ask. And I stopped asking for it. I think he somehow felt less pressure and he is the one that starts sexual acts, not as frequently as I would want, but he doesn't forget. And I never say no.

On my part, I focused on intimacy: I do ask for other kind of intimate contact like massage (received or given) both keep sleeping nacked, hugs in bed... And this way I handle my need for intimacy.

So in this path I discovered sex toys and that's how I get on with the fisical aspect of sexual release. I masturbate. A lot.

He is so concerned about his low sex drive that he said I could search for sex with other people, but that's not something I would do: even if he consents I know it'll be hard on his self steem to accept it and I love him too much to hurt him just for sex.

But I think that having a conversation about visiting a couple's sex therapist is a great option in this kind of problems, and may make things interesting as you'll have homework to do.

Well as usual, ask (the Lovehoney forums) and you shall receive! Totally agree that one of my best first steps was creating a LH account!

It's extremely reasuring to hear that there are others in my position. Especially so to hear that it's sometimes the man who has the lower sex drive and that for both men and women, self esteem and depression issues are often at the root.

Being in "mum mode" is definitely part of it and actually it's the reason I feel is most reasonable from her and most unreasonable for me to question. Our two are 5 and 2 and need our full attention from 6:30 am till 8:30 pm. Of course after a day of that, the last thing you want to do is go into "nympho mode"!!

To combat that, my mum especially is a very good grandparent to the kids. She's already babysat multiple times and once our 2 year old is ready, she will take them to stay with her giving us the house for ourselves. That will definitely help.

After BunnyBomb2015's advice I have gently started talking to my OH about sex in a way more frank way than we ever have before. It's extremely early days but I feel great that we've started to discuss it.

I've always given hugs and massages. The latter is a little more difficult with the kids arround but I agree that a massage with no strings attached or expectations of something in return is a great way of keeping the bedroom a sexy place and reducing the feeling of being pressured for sex.

Secondly I've ordered a few different LH outfits, all appropriate for her body type (again after asking in the LH forums) and all either designed to distract from a baby tummy or to deemphasise it. When they arrive I'll wait for a good time to show her them.

Finally, I pushed the boat out and got a Doxy brand magic wand. I felt a true vibrator or dildo might be a bridge too far but something external might be a great starter toy. I'm going to leave it plugged in by the bed and wait for her to notice it and ask what it is!

I shall let you all know how it goes.


Well good luck from us all. Everyone on here is lovelly.. You are certainly on the right track.

As Sole said dont take it personally, i did for a long time but realised its nothing to do with me.

Also thats great you have grandparental help (we dont). For those evenings as well as massage consider nice tea together. Also as well a nice LH outfits consider nice underwear andher buying clothes that make her feel gorgeous as well. If she is deperessed she might wear clothes to cover up. If you can try and take her out for dinner etc and make her feel gorgeous,

Hopefully she might feel comfortable trying the wand on herself to explore herself.

I would say be patient, hopefully she will love all the stuff you have bought but it may take time.

Good luck