Different wants

Hi, this is my first time posting. Ive been with my bf for a year and a half. He has recently divulged that he wants to swing with me and that he has done it previously with his ex. We have a very good sex life and i am open to explore different things, just us two. And have explored dress up, toys, anal, positions etc. But i dont feel comfortable swinging or even introducing another person to the mix. I am not very body confident after having children but i am very comfortable with my partner. I have said no to introducing other people and explained my reasons. Of not being body confident etc but the biggest factor is my emotional state. For me, seeing him do sexual things with another woman would crush me and probably ruin our relationship.

He says hes 50% wanting to swing. But im scared that its actually more than that and he will resent me for saying no.

What would your advice be?



If you don’t want to swing, just don’t.

If he insists, I’d suggest he finds himself another life partner to do it with, and you find yourself someone that respects your boundaries.



He should respect that. Not insists, or trying to convince you to change your mind, or getting you to see from his perspective, then he’s not respecting you, your feelings or your decision.


As others have said. If you have thought about what your partner has said and you have said no, that should be the end of it . It should no longer be discussed. Just make sure you are not coerced into something. He needs to respect your decision.


I think everyone will tell you the same thing
You have said no and he needs to respect that , it sounds like you have explained it to him and your reasons are 100% reasonable .
I dont think its something you can convince someone to do
If he brings it up again just give him the simple answer “no , i dont want to”
Good luck , dont let anyone make you do something you dont want to do.


Don’t talk yourself out of your decision for fear of being resented by him.
If he loves and respects you then he should also respect your decision.
Swinging is not for everyone and just because he did it with a previous partner doesn’t mean that it’ll be the right thing for you.


Hello and welcome.

You have your boundaries, stick to them and your partner should respect them.

If you don’t want to do it or explore it, then as others have said no means no.

Hiya there @Twinkletoes706
Welcome to the forum.

Honestly I don’t know how the last 18months have been in the relationship and if this is the only issue or not…BUT

Alarm bells for me are ringing here…you’ve said NO…and yet he’s saying he wants to do it. It needs to stop right here or you need to get out.

I had an ex that wanted to share me with his friends…let’s just say that is the main reason he’s an ex.

Stick with your guns…if he respects you then there will be no resentment.

Good Luck


No means no, 100%. My husband and I are ‘open’ but we have rules; no PIA/PIV sex, no friends, colleagues or partners no sex stuff in our home without permission.

Non-monogamy is definitely much better if you’re confident in who you are, but not everyone is or is isn’t it, and that’s A-okay. I’m not the most confident in my body either, but I still get men who like and want me. I just struggle to believe it sometimes, because I struggle to like myself (years of bullying).

Ultimately, he needs to decide between you and swinging. In a similar vein, I personally could never be with someone who isn’t into BDSM, and I would walk away from a partner who doesn’t share my interests in BDSM. They may be lovely and amazing, but sometimes I like things… well… a little less lovely. He needs to decide what’s most important to him, and stick to it.

You also need to believe that, if he stays, he really, really loves you. Work on your confidence, work on becoming sexier for him (confidence is like honey for fruit flies for men, trust me, that’s how I get them :wink: ). Just because he’s prioritised you, if he does, does not mean you can slack off. Good men do leave relationships where their partners put them last. Good luck :slight_smile:

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Thank you everyone for your replies. I am staying firm and saying no, its not for me.


For me, no is a no. Your not comfortable so why is he pushing or wanting it.

A relationship is of 2 halves and he has to respect that you have a say on a decision so don’t ever feel bad for not wanting to do something he wants :slightly_smiling_face:
There’s always going to come times when both sides will need to compromise but that’s life and love.

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No means no

Don’t be pressured into anything no matter what

Swinging and other people Into your relationship or sex life needs rules planning and both people 100% sure

Things can’t be undone

Plus he should respect your decision

Nah, absolutely not. You’ve said no, thats it. You’ve discussed it and explained your reasons which are valid and thats the endnof it. Anything further now would be him attempting to coerce you and overstep your boundaries. If he was to continue to push, I would make it very clear that if he can’t respect your choice, then you’ll take yourself out of the equation and he can swing all he wants if thats really whats more important to him.

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No means no - that’s that. If one of you isn’t comfortable then it just will not work, maybe meet him half way? Maybe offer to go to a club or something to see what it’s all about, have a drink together and see what it’s all about. You’ve then scratched his itch without partaking perhaps?
If you ever decided to try this you’d need to clearly explain it’s only to watch so you can put a tick in that box so to speak.

Alternatively a safer option would be to maybe offer to watch porn of that nature with him but explain that’s as far as you wish to take it?

I think my above suggestions are very generous alongside a no but if they don’t feel right either then just say no, mean no, and he must accept that.

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His previous partner swung and is now an ex, ding ding go the alarm bells.

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Don’t ever feel you can’t say no, or go along with something just because your partner wants it.

The same reason you would eat different meals at a restaurant, or chose a different ice cream. Simply put, we are all different and you need to respect each others fetishes. Explain to him your feelings and maybe look at a realistic dildo or something similar to have a threesome without the additional body.

To be fair, it’s perfectly natural to be curious about swinging and fantasise about swapping and group sex, but if you don’t want to do it, you are 100 per cent entitled to say no. If he resents it, it will tell you a lot about what sort of person he is, and you should ask yourself if he’s therefore the right person for you.

At the risk of sounding very old, we have been married for 37 years and neither of us have ever had sex with anybody else in our lives, and never will. In recent times we have fantasised a bit about involving other people, but never with any intention of doing it.

However, a few years ago we were actually on the swinging scene for voyeur/exhibitionist reasons, and because I really enjoyed the atmosphere.

So if you don’t want to swing, but want to give him a thrill, that is an option. My bet is he is more interested in the thrill of the scene, more than actually wanting to have sex with somebody else.

The number one advice that swingers give is to set your boundaries and never cross them without sleeping on it and/or discussing whether you both want what’s on offer. Don’t be pressurised. Whatever happens, you have to talk it through, not just give a blank no.

One thing you haven’t clarified is what kind of swinging he wants. If he is thinking about an MMF threesome, for example, that’s a different topic entirely.

It sounds to me that your partner is struggling to comprehend the fact that no every one is open to the idea of swinging, and thats okay! Its not fair for him to expect you to fulfil a desire he had and explored with an ex…

You have no reason to explain your reasons any further; no means no and your partner needs to respect that and leave it be, hope you get it sorted soon :two_hearts:

Each to their own but swinging is a hard “no” for me. I like monogamy, I don’t want anything else.

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