Do men have a bloody clue??

Well, straw poll time. The Naughties were having a chin wag about previous partners and their bedroom technique as it were, and Mrs.N came out with the comment that apart from Mr.N (who is in fact a sex God sent to Earth in human sort of, no guessing who wrote this bit) all her previous partners (11) were pretty damn poor.

They either didn't know what was where or what to really do with it,were too tentative, too hard, always immediately went at it like a jackhammer, had no idea of sensuality, no imagination, no technique variation etc etc; to the extent that Mrs.N used to fake an orgasm in the hope of getting it over with asap.

Mr.N was aghast at this; obviously there are one or two sex Gods like him among us (snigger), but has Mrs.N just been incredibly unlucky, or is the general bloke out there, and this really is a vast generalisation a bit lacking as far as the ladies are concerned? What makes one man good and another crap, when the differences in modus operandi must at best be subtle?

And guys, are most women great, or in general are they sadly lacking and wouldn't know the finer points of foreskin dexterity if you beat them around the head with "The Wankers Manual?"

I have to agree with Mrs N. Well, the general bit about men being clueless anyway (I'm sure you are a complete Sex God Mr N but I'll reserve my judgement for now ;)).

I've had similar experiences up until I met Mr S (obviously another sex god!) but I'm not sure really if it's because we are older we are more secure and not so worried about our wobbly bits and generally just take more time over things, the urgency isn't there anymore and I think we've learned that it is enjoyable to give your partner pleasure whereas when you're in your 20's it tends to be all about me, me, me.

We enjoy exploring, talking and even just cuddling in between bouts. Also we're less embarassed now to talk about what we want and give instructions if necessary.

I, of course, am superb in bed and always have been!

Is Mr.S in the sex God directory, I may know him? As for your last sentence Truly, I think the entire Army will back me up when I say that we really need proof of that!! (Get out of that!)


Sex God Directory??? Where do I get hold of a copy?

As for proof, just ask Mr S, he'll vouch for me ;)

Well, I've had good, I've had bad, I've had so-so and I've had mind-blowingly amazing (hello My Prince of Darkness!). Thing is, some were young, some were older than me (by 17 yrs at one point)some were about the same age. Some were inexperienced and blossomed, some were very experienced and were just crap. Bit like Forest Gump's box of chocolates really.

But what makes a one guy better than another in my book? Simple:
1. Bring your brain to bed with you. "Think it and she will cum" or something like that! A guy who thinks about what he is doing, how it may feel, what would accentuate the sensation and all the subtle variations he can master is a sex god in my book.
2. Invest in slightly more than basic anatomy knowledge. I know blokes are reluctant to read maps, but, hey, you at least need to know what direction you are supposed to be pointing in!
3. Master the art of conversation. Talk to me about what you want to do, tell me how you plan to do it, listen to what my mouth says and what my body tells you. A well chosen turn of phrase gets me wetter than an ill-attempted fumble.
4. Retain your sense of humour. Let's face it, the potential for embarrassing moments is huge. Keep your head out of your own arse and don't take yourself too seriously (however, feel free to pay attention to my arse!)
5. Fun. This is supposed to be fun right? This is not some sort of Grade 7 piano exam so please give the impression that all the naked fooling around is good fun (even if neither of us cums!)

so that's my ha'penny worth of wisdom for today...


Merc,(can I call you Merc?(g)) I agree with the taking the brain to bed bit, but just the subconscious part of it. I don't want to think too much about what I'm doing; the only way I can try and explain it is that I try to approach it in a wu wei or zen type of way, where whatever you do is the right thing at that moment and by allowing it to just happen without premeditation it is sure to be right.

But what do I(Mr.N) know? Most nights Mrs.N shouts at me, "Take those bloody orange robes off and come and shag's half past bloody one for Chrissakes and all you do is hop around the bedroom shouting om!!"

Well, I've had two very different experiences.

When I was younger and out slutting around at 17 and 18, all the guys I slept with were terrible. I can put this down to a combination of factors - youth, drunkeness, and the fact that men tend to not care if the girl they've managed to bag for a one-night stand has a good time or not :) So say that was about half of the total guys I've been with.

Then, I met my ex-boyfriend, who I ended up going out with for five years. He was the first guy to ever make me cum... so clearly I hung onto him :) Since breaking up with him a year ago, I've slept with roughly the same number of guys that I had before him, and my experience has been utterly different.

Perhaps it's that the guys I'm seeing are older now, more mature, and more skilled, or perhaps I've been very lucky - but I haven't really had any bad sex since. I don't know if it's because I know what I like now, and how to get it, or if men are starting to understand that to get what they want in bed, all they need to do is give the lady what she needs first!

The truth is I think there's good sexual partners out there and bad and sometimes it's just how the two of you fit together... (If you are both pervs in bed and want to try every damn inanimate object as a sex toy... OK so the bronze art deco pointy statue didn't rock your ass-world but we can find something that does ;) )

I have to admit my worst experience was with a guy who had a curled cock. I come so hard that he never had a chance of staying in, every gorgeous wet orgasm shoved him out at force. In the end this little Nymphling had to put a permanent hold on her pleasure just so he could get off. At the end of it he also told me I was weird and unnatural.... The way I came.

Ever since that sorry stage I make sure before I even think about spreading my legs I know that the other person has full knowledge of the docking procedure and to realise... slippery when wet!

So I guess I agree with Shellyboo in that maybe it's experience that brings better sex, combine that with openness and a willing to see that sex can sometimes be horrendously funny then you get what you both deserve :)

@ the Naughty's- Darlings, you can call me whatever you wish! Just don't call me Saturday as I shall be away fooliing around! "Dear Sir and Madame, I wish to subscribe to your Eastern Mysticism Sex Training. I can provide my own flip-flops and have purloined a large quantity of pachouli and incense. Please send me chapter one of your method. I enclose an SAE and £45.76 in Tesco Clubcard vouchers"

@Shellyboo- totally agree with you. I think age + wisdom = great nookie! Of the blokes I've been withm the best ones were those that were up for being with a woman who knows what she wants and isn't shy to tell them.


I think ... some of us men are bad in bed because some of us are so egocentric that we assume we must be brilliant in bed, and therefore make no effort, and others of us are so egocentric that we don't care. I think this afflicts younger men most, although some men simply don't learn. I admit my only source of knowledge is listening to how other men talk about sex and women, which I've often found shocking (although there is hope ladies as the ones talking like that clearly think they've got an admiring audience - being egocentric - but I can tell from other faces the majority of men DON'T think that way).

Sad to say, I've no real idea whether I'm any good in bed as I've only been with my wife since we were teenagers - now in our 40s - and she has had no-one else to compare me with. But at least I've tried and we've had fun along the way ...

Mr.N (sex God) here.
I must admit I hadn't really thought about it too much until I started to watch quite a bit of amateur porn. I was absolutely aghast at the techniques and approach in general; and why do all the guys have to go off like a jackrabbit as soon as they get it in?
Perhaps the people in amateur porn try to ape (an appropriate word) the professional porn stars thinking that's the way to do it; but even seeing genuine blue home movies the blokes are straight at it like they have a clutch of Duracel AA batteries up their arse.
Wear orange robes and say "Om" a lot and the rest will follow...possibly.