Dom beginner

Hi!

My husband has a dom fantasy. We have done light bondage, spanking etc in the past. I would like to take the level up and fulfil this fantasy fully for him.
We do only want this to be a bedroom thing between us and not a full lifestyle change at the moment!
Any tips or advice? Or must have toys?
Thank you!

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Sounds awesome. We are only beginners but I would say a blindfold is our must have item and we have had so much fantastic use from our under the bed restraints. Fantastic for getting full control!
We have since moved on to a flogger which we have both been surprised to absolutely love :paddle: The other thing for me is when Mrs H dresses up and looks the part, see the fierce range for that, seems to have it covered. Ps you’re gonna have some fun times :slight_smile:

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There is no such thing as a must have toy, as what everyone enjoys is different. What does yours and yours husbands fantasy look like? Is one of you at the other’s mercy? Or does it have more of a role play/characters type element? Are you looking for impact play/spanking or something more sensual or both or neither?

That being said, Lovehoney do sell a selection of kits that are worth checking out as there might be one that takes your fancy, or at least looking at them together you can rule out a few things.

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Since it’s his fantasy you really need to talk it through to establish exactly where he wants to go with this before you buy anything. That being said LH have a wide range of restraints, floggers etc. that should suit you both.

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I have moved between getting enjoyment from being the dom and the sub…but the dom part has been limited to using the crop on my OH and her adopting sub positions. All the time the underlying feelings I have had have been sub ones, enjoying her cropping me, her applying clamps to me and “ torturing” my nipples. Me wearing cock rings and ball stretchers. We have now purchased and used a cock cage which I love. So for me if you want to buy anything it has to be the above items, crop, clamps, cock and ball stretchers and a cage. Oh and some seriously sexy wet look clothing for you to wear !

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It’s all according what you both want. I love floggers the most but I know people who can’t stand them. Does he want to just dominate by telling you what to do or go all out with blindfolds, restraints and impact etc. Are you comfortable with that? Do you like the sound of something he hasn’t considered ie electric play?
Before any BDSM play there should be a very open and Frank discussion about what’s OK and what’s not. What are your s and his hard and soft limits. Whats your safe word going to be if you need it. What’s his safe word if he wants to use one to stop play. If you’re using rope, do you know what rope to use, how to tie it safely and how to get you/cut you out of it quickly if needed.
Even just for the bedroom, some research should be done into safe practises for both parties. Experiment with sensations to find out what you enjoy.
This is just my opinion based on what we do within our dynamic. All said, I hope you have great fun getting kinky :wink:

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As others have rightly said, have a frank and open conversation about likes/dislikes and things you want to explore. Make sure safewords are known and understood, and encourage him as Dom to still check in during play.

There is a huge psychological dimension to BDSM and you don’t need any kit to get going. Just being told to keep eyes shut, or hands in a certain place etc can be very effective without getting into blindfolds, cuffs etc. Keep it simple, start small and talk wards about how it felt and went!

Have fun!

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Sorry guys I haven’t been clear! First Post!
He wants me to dominate him! We have had discussions about limits and will have a safe word.
Where can I find information about safe tying techniques please? We have used cuffs before which he loves so we are ready for the next more serious stage.
I know confidence is key which is maybe what I’m struggling with! Any curvy ladies who dominate their partners have any tips on improving confidence?

Coming up on 18 years together so want to make it special :wink::wink:
All these replies are so helpful thank you!

Many Doms tend to go into pegging with strap ons at some point… is this something you’d be working up to or currently doing?

We are only at beginning of our anal play journey. Both anal Virgins!
Tips welcome!

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Good luck! He’s very lucky you are researching on forums like this.

Regarding the confidence thing. A blindfold will help a lot if you are nervous. I think also talk before and both be realistic, you aren’t immediately going to be this highly experienced skillful confident Dom but if you can start on a few things he likes go from there!

As for us, we have a few outfits for my OH when she’s domming me, my personal kink is a collar and leash as well as various restraints. We both love the LH Riding Crop!

Besides all the great advice people tend to give on here, Theres a ton of good threads you can have a dig through about many different topics (search icon is up the top right if you cant find it).

Biggest tip for anal, lube. get some good quality anal lube and dont be afraid to use it. (I like sliquid sassy myself)
Read the sizes. Both circumference and insertable length are imortant.
3.5” circumference is a good starting size for a plug. Theres lots a great options for materials, but start with silicone as its give make it more forgiving for a first plug. Dont size up too fast, + 1” circumference is really max for going up a size (i went up in 0.5” myself, found it more comfy).
When inserting Relax, breathe. If its uncomfortable or you get butt cramp when its in remove it. Its your bodys way of saying its had enough.

If you have a dig theres some really nice threads on anal on here too

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Hi @Blondie :wave: Welcome to the forum.

On confidence:

This is perfectly normal. I think everyone goes through this.
For me confidence has built with experience, and with the knowledge about what will work and what will not, in the moment.
Knowledge is power, as they say!

I have some thoughts on all this which I hope you’ll find helpful:

Dom/sub power exchange is about giving the appearance of a lack of choice for the submissive partner, however the submissive is always ultimately in control. The power is ‘lent’ or symbolically ‘submitted’ for the duration of a scene. The submissive should have safe words and pre-defined boundaries prepared, and may withdraw permission at any point even if they have previously given permission for something.

So, eliminating the appearance of the submissive initiating, dictating or otherwise taking charge of each situation in the moment, is for many, a big part of keeping up the dominant role with confidence.

Preparation is key to this, as I can see you’re aware. The conversations you’ve had are a great start.
As well as talking things through with my wife, away from the bedroom/scene, I also like to set my wife a bit of homework every now and then. And I study and memorise this in my own time, while I hatch wicked plans for her. :smiling_imp:
The homework is most often in the form of a quiz, or a checklist of activities, toys, dirty talk words, and accessories for her to score from 0 (Will never, ever want to do) to 5 (Yes, please, do this to me often). There’s plenty of examples online labelled BDSM ‘contract’ or the ‘slave contract’ (don’t worry too much about the theatrical naming at this point, they’re definitely not actual contracts!)

Doing this homework has helped us both in a number of ways. She can avoid talking about things she might find it embarassing to say out loud, and take time over her answers, and it helps me to avoid trying out too many unwelcome surprises in the heat of passion, or asking lots of questions at a critical moment (which can appear less than dominant and kill the mood). It’s also good for inspiring and guiding what to buy next for our toy box and restraints collection.
Crucially though, it helps me to keep the flow of a scene going. I can try out things I know she’ll be receptive and open to me doing, and I can make requests/ give orders without too much danger of her needing to put her foot down about something (taking charge). She can submit more fully this way, and will need to use her safe words way less often than simple experimentation.

Other preparations might be to spend time together scoping out new ideas without the immediate expectation of sex. Like shopping for toys on Lovehoney together :lh_heart_purple_2:, or trying out new outfits, or practicing tying up your blindfolded partner with a piece of rope while they listen to an audiobook.

For me, I find it useful to remember not to let minor setbacks knock my confidence. Each setback is a vital learning experience and I try to frame it as such, rather than as a perceived failure.

I feel we have to be prepared to take risks and get things wrong sometimes (within reasonable boundaries of consent and safety), and use the setbacks to ask questions, question answers, and to learn and grow.

It’s really all about communication, lovingly taking the care to make it fun, and personal to you both.

As to rope:

There’s quite a few resources out there these days for learning about rope. Most importantly, I’d recommend having a pair of Bondage Safety Scissors to hand before you start, and learn a bit about which parts of the body not to tie ropes around.
We’ve got a couple of books by The Two Knotty Boys, and there’s shibari studios and workshops in quite a few major towns these days. I’ve also found a few safety tips from a site called The Duchy.

Basic knots that I can highly recommend learning to start with are: Cat’s Paw (a way of looping rope that doesn’t constrict, Highwayman’s Hitch (useful for tying to furniture), Figure of Eight knot, and the Alpine Butterfly knot (for creating a tying point in the middle of a piece of rope).

Good luck!

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Most exciting!!