Hi @Blondie Welcome to the forum.
On confidence:
This is perfectly normal. I think everyone goes through this.
For me confidence has built with experience, and with the knowledge about what will work and what will not, in the moment.
Knowledge is power, as they say!
I have some thoughts on all this which I hope youâll find helpful:
Dom/sub power exchange is about giving the appearance of a lack of choice for the submissive partner, however the submissive is always ultimately in control. The power is âlentâ or symbolically âsubmittedâ for the duration of a scene. The submissive should have safe words and pre-defined boundaries prepared, and may withdraw permission at any point even if they have previously given permission for something.
So, eliminating the appearance of the submissive initiating, dictating or otherwise taking charge of each situation in the moment, is for many, a big part of keeping up the dominant role with confidence.
Preparation is key to this, as I can see youâre aware. The conversations youâve had are a great start.
As well as talking things through with my wife, away from the bedroom/scene, I also like to set my wife a bit of homework every now and then. And I study and memorise this in my own time, while I hatch wicked plans for her.
The homework is most often in the form of a quiz, or a checklist of activities, toys, dirty talk words, and accessories for her to score from 0 (Will never, ever want to do) to 5 (Yes, please, do this to me often). Thereâs plenty of examples online labelled BDSM âcontractâ or the âslave contractâ (donât worry too much about the theatrical naming at this point, theyâre definitely not actual contracts!)
Doing this homework has helped us both in a number of ways. She can avoid talking about things she might find it embarassing to say out loud, and take time over her answers, and it helps me to avoid trying out too many unwelcome surprises in the heat of passion, or asking lots of questions at a critical moment (which can appear less than dominant and kill the mood). Itâs also good for inspiring and guiding what to buy next for our toy box and restraints collection.
Crucially though, it helps me to keep the flow of a scene going. I can try out things I know sheâll be receptive and open to me doing, and I can make requests/ give orders without too much danger of her needing to put her foot down about something (taking charge). She can submit more fully this way, and will need to use her safe words way less often than simple experimentation.
Other preparations might be to spend time together scoping out new ideas without the immediate expectation of sex. Like shopping for toys on Lovehoney together , or trying out new outfits, or practicing tying up your blindfolded partner with a piece of rope while they listen to an audiobook.
For me, I find it useful to remember not to let minor setbacks knock my confidence. Each setback is a vital learning experience and I try to frame it as such, rather than as a perceived failure.
I feel we have to be prepared to take risks and get things wrong sometimes (within reasonable boundaries of consent and safety), and use the setbacks to ask questions, question answers, and to learn and grow.
Itâs really all about communication, lovingly taking the care to make it fun, and personal to you both.
As to rope:
Thereâs quite a few resources out there these days for learning about rope. Most importantly, Iâd recommend having a pair of Bondage Safety Scissors to hand before you start, and learn a bit about which parts of the body not to tie ropes around.
Weâve got a couple of books by The Two Knotty Boys, and thereâs shibari studios and workshops in quite a few major towns these days. Iâve also found a few safety tips from a site called The Duchy.
Basic knots that I can highly recommend learning to start with are: Catâs Paw (a way of looping rope that doesnât constrict, Highwaymanâs Hitch (useful for tying to furniture), Figure of Eight knot, and the Alpine Butterfly knot (for creating a tying point in the middle of a piece of rope).
Good luck!