Ok, so my husband and I have always been adventurous in bed and we've tried some spanking and bondage bits before and I love it. The biggest problem I have is that I enjoy it more than he does. In day to day life I'm always stressed and worried and when it comes to the bedroom one of the only ways I can let go of all that enough to actually reach orgasm is by having someone else take the control out of my hands. I have tried to explain to my husband before that I love it when he takes control I love him being in charge but he doesn't seem overly keen on doing it on more than the odd occasion. I sometimes just feel like I really need it rather than just want it and I don't know how to explain that. Any advice?
Hi Jessicarabbit88
Being a sexual submissive myself - I totally understand that for you it is more than just play - it is something you really need. Have you explained to you Husband that for you, your Dom/sub roles in the bedroom are more than 'just experimenting', or spicing things up? It's important for him to realise the importance of being able to release your control to him and the effect that it has on you. You really need to talk to your Husband and explain everything to him - once he realises this hopefully the dynamics will change. xx
Hi @Jessicarabbitt88
I really don't think you have too many options other than to sit him down and talk clearly, honestly and with passion about what you want & need. You also need to try to get him to be clear about his needs and wants and also about where your common ground is and whether its enough for both.
He sounds quite vanilla in his outlook and changing someone is hard..........unless they have never experienced different scenarios and worlds.
Maybe suggest to him you spend some time exploring your desires by watching subject relevant films or clips (can be mild and sensual).
The one question thats bugging me (I am not a psycologist so its really for background knowledge) is whether you are saying giving up control is a way to manage your stress or whether its a route to climax because the stress stops any other way?
Really hope you manage to get what you are looking for.
I know your need and it's hard for others to understand, I personally can like it to extremes and though my partner loves being the dom one, even he won't do some things, at least not often.
You certainly need to sit and talk about it, there should be an agreement to make sure you both get what you want, who wants to have sex they don't enjoy? Explaining how it makes you feel, but also make it clear that you have trust in him otherwise you wouldn't ask.
Now my partner would not give me 'rough' sex if I asked for it because that is part of his controll, I can't always get what I want.
As for tips, I can only go for tips on what I like and I'm aware you may not.
•Maybe suggest you try roll play- most men go crazy over this, find what his role play fantasy is and give it a try.
•when spanking if he doesn't do it quite hard enough maybe use a Cain, crop or belt. Though he may use it lightly you will still benefit
•if you are into choking, breath play or just a hand to your throat and his grip isn't quite tight enough, push your neck into it(this is where you really need to talk about rules, trust and even a safe word*)
•if you like the rough grabbing and pinning, do it back/first
•biting and live bites are things I think we have all done, but maybe suggest other body parts, thighs, tummy etc
•if you like your hair pulled guide his hand there and close it on to your hair, he'll either get the hint or again you can lightly pull from his hand
•definitely suggest restraints, this could start simply to gently tease in foreplay, when he sees you tied down and helpless he may open to the idea of there being more controll.
*safe words are important for beginners,with a new dom or if you go to the extreem.
I personally don't like to use a safe word because I may use it too often, I trust that my partner wouldn't take it too far and overstep the mark. But on absolute rare occasions I have used the word 'seriously' if I was to ask him to stop. A lot of people use colours.
But though I don't want to have the option if a safe word I still think it's important.
And always be sure you trust the person to not cross the line from consensual rough fun to, well violent/abusive I guess are the right words.
Roll play and BDSM play are both completely healthy sex acts to experiment in and enjoy and when you find your thing, sex has never been better :)
I hope at least some if this helps :) ~x~
See I have tried explaining it and I just don't know if I'm explaining it in a way he understands. He's very open to trying things he doesn't mind spanking me or tying me up or being rough the bit that seems to be missing is him knowing how to have the control. As pointed out above just because I may want something doesn't mean he should just fulfil my daily requests, to me the biggest part missing is him being the one completely in control, knowing how to bend me to his wishes in a way that ultimately pleases us both. I don't know how to explain the mental side for me but I seem to find it hard to climax, I always have and I know that letting go of control definitely helps with that. It seems to take away my internal worries, switch off my brain from all my insecurities if you know what I mean. The only time I have ever reached orgasm when sleeping someone for the first time was with a man over 10 years my senior who although nothing kinky was added, had complete control. Not saying my husband and I don't have good sex, of course we do but i am starting to feel that certain needs of mine need to be addressed if we are to prevent them causing any resentment or anything later. are there any films or documentaries anyone has heard of that may be able to help him understand?
jessicarabbit88 wrote:
See I have tried explaining it and I just don't know if I'm explaining it in a way he understands. He's very open to trying things he doesn't mind spanking me or tying me up or being rough the bit that seems to be missing is him knowing how to have the control. As pointed out above just because I may want something doesn't mean he should just fulfil my daily requests, to me the biggest part missing is him being the one completely in control, knowing how to bend me to his wishes in a way that ultimately pleases us both. I don't know how to explain the mental side for me but I seem to find it hard to climax, I always have and I know that letting go of control definitely helps with that. It seems to take away my internal worries, switch off my brain from all my insecurities if you know what I mean. The only time I have ever reached orgasm when sleeping someone for the first time was with a man over 10 years my senior who although nothing kinky was added, had complete control. Not saying my husband and I don't have good sex, of course we do but i am starting to feel that certain needs of mine need to be addressed if we are to prevent them causing any resentment or anything later. are there any films or documentaries anyone has heard of that may be able to help him understand?
If you contact me - my Twitter account is on my profile - I will be able to send you some info. and some links that could be very useful for him to read - I can't really post any links on here as we are not allowed to :) xx
I see. I know EXACTLY what you mean. I'm in the same situation in that respect.
I guess it all comes down to his respect for you to be yourself and not live for others. As frustrating as it is it's because he cares.
Maybe start with baby steps introduced in roll play.a corner for when you disagree, get him to chose your outfit for the day, how to wear your makeup/hair. Hopfully he'll get a tase for it.
A good film that made me realise I was certainly into this sort of thing was 'secretary'