Embarrassed about being judged for using toys

So, the basics, i'm 28, a virgin due to a bunch of complex issues, only dated long distance as a result of those issues, never actually had a physial relationship of any kind.

I had no interest in sex to the point of actually being phobic about it, until i tried masturbation for the first time aged 24. Manual does nothing for me, i tried out toys, and for the last 4 years my sexual interest has wavered, sometimes no interest for months, not much at all in the last 2 years.

I was in a realtionship at the time i started masturbating and exploring, with a guy who was so shy he wouldn't even discuss sex, so i never told him. I felt like i was doing something wrong using them though, without him knowing. He was a controlling manipulative person, we split may 2015 but he led me on til new years day this year that the split was only temporary while he got help for his anxiety and depression, so i stayed loyal to him and didn't move on.

Now that i'm single again, i no longer feel guilty having sexual desires, so i'm slowly starting to get back in to things, but i'm worried about gwtting in to a relationship in the future and me using toys now being an issue.

I know it is probably silly, but i have this crazy worry that by using toys i'm "devaluing" my virginity in some way. I always used to have a misconception that toys were an add on to sex and for the kinkier type of person rather than the average person, though of course i now know thats not true. That doesn't stop me worrying a future partner will judge me for it though, that i've somehow "ruined" my virginity by using toys and that its no different than if i'd been using an actual penis. I don't know why i'm seeing female masturbation with toys as somehow being different, or "worse" than manual, but it's like i can't stop my mind associating each toy with being like an individual partner, and that since i've had a toy inserted, i'm not the same as a virgin who hasn't used an insertable toy.

I guess what i'm really asking/looking for, is reassurance that it is ok to still refer to myself as a virgin, and that just because i have used toys so won't be "unexplored" for want of a better word, and possibly not as tight (although i still cant use anything over a 4 inch girth, never have) as someone whose vagina has never been penetrated, that im not misrepresenting or "cheating" a potential future partner with the virgin technicality, especially if thats something that is actively a positive/desire for them.

First of all 'virginity' is a social construct and therefore open to interpretation. For example a female with a female partner may never be penetrated, is she still a virgin? Many gay men do not actually enjoy being penetrated, others may never penetrate their partner, are they virgins? A question asked on here before was what constitutes cheating shows that what people consider sex varies from person to person so the term virgin is pretty meaningless.

Secondly, any partner who would think less of you for being a virgin or not is not worth the time or effort, by the same token judging you for using toys or how many toys you have used if no different to judging you for the number of partners you have had, does not need to be tolerated. The only consideration they should give to whether you have experience or not is wether it might painful if it's your first time so if you take this into account they should be happy to be with someone who knows their body and is confident in how they can be pleasured. Some consideration should however be given that they don't feel threatened by your toys or that they could be a replacement for them.

Point about feeling threatened/replaced noted, quite honestly i have quite a low sex drive that im pretty sure once i was in a relationship all my needs would be easily fulfilled by the partner without the need for the toys unless we were using them together. It's the actual physical and emotional intimacy that i'm most interested in, rather than the orgasm, that would just be a bonus if it happened, but something i will keep in mind definitely.

Hello VirginAngel, my you have explained your thoughts very admirably on what you want from relationships and sex.
As a man I hope you will appreciate my response to your post,

It is wonderful that you are still a virgin, when the time is right and you find yourself a special person you're whole soul will tell you this is the one you want to give your special gift to, do not think that you have to loose it to in some way conform to expected social norms, you are a unique and wonderful person.
On the issue of using your toys when you find the special one, I'm very sure that you will be able to talk openly about it and I'm sure that if he or she is as committed to you as you are to them then it will be a whole new chapter in your sex life and you will be able to buy other toys for you both.

Also I would like to add (and this is for everyone) if you believe it, then it is possible to treat any new or perspective partner as being a virgin because until you have your first foray into the world of love and sex together then as far as you can prove you are a virgin to them.
Take care of yourself xx

Sex toys are not a cheat on your virginity. Many people of all genders masturbate to some degree before actually having penetrative sex (or any other kind of sex that involves another person), so you don’t need to feel guilty at all. Sometimes this is just “manual” and sometimes this is with toys (or improvisations found at home - I wouldn’t recommend this!!) For me, the definition of losing your virginity involves a second person not an inanimate object.

It isn’t true that the more you insert into your vagina, the less tight you are and if you are really worried, just make sure you do your pelvic floor/kegal exercises. (Plus penises are different girths so tightness is relative) I really don’t think any future partner is going to really be able to tell you’ve used a sex toy.

Hi VirginAngel, sometimes I used to buy toys and felt worried that I’d be judged for it by my partner. She isn’t as open as I am about our sexuality and in the past that meant either hiding or not buying and trying stuff I thought may be fun and that in itself causes trouble. It got to the point where for me it was so fundamentally wrong and uncomfortable to hide that part of me away that I let it out....

Using toys to enhance your sexuality is not an slight on your character or your sexual status. In my mind, if you don’t know your own body, how can someone else? as you can see if you look at my reviews she now finds a select number of toys fun and I have a few that fit me and I love too!

So Anyway , now I buy sex toys (probably too many) for me and her and for friends on the forum, and if she doesn’t like it I don’t threat but just carry on regardless. I buy for friends on the forum because the thought of sharing what I have found is so profound, it would be wrong not too.

So Yeah, learn what makes you tick, use toys, they’re just tools and we use tools all the time day in day out - it’s what makes us human you know?

I always wished I'd a) waited to have sex until I met my current partner, I felt pressured to lose my virginity, I was so nervous I don't even really remember it. I think waiting is a good thing :)

and b) I wish I knew what I liked when I first started having sex, I honestly used to think sex was just something women did for the man they're with, until the first time I slept with my OH and actually had fun.

After I first had sex, I waited a while then got my first toy with the encouragement of a friend and a lot of wine :P After getting used to using it and learning a bit about my body I gained a little confidence, and eventually met my boyfriend. He found it a huge turn on that I had a toy, and really wanted to use it on me, I was too shy to let him at first.

Coming up to 4 years later, my old toy broke, so we joined LH (a little before Christmas), and replaced it, and added a couple extra things to try out. In the past 6 months or so, our collection has built up a fair bit, and I know wayyyy more about what I like, our sex life has massively improved and there's zero shyness about toys in the bedroom or getting new toys for me, for him or to share :P

What I'm trying to say, is masturbating is a good thing, it makes such a difference to the kind of sex you have when you get there, if I'd known what was good for me when I first started having sex, I think my experiences would have been much better.

As for the virginity part, only you can know how you feel about that. But I don't think toys count, for me, sex involves someone else, so if you haven't been -with- anybody, there's no reason to count yourself as less of a virgin than someone who's never masturbated, just more informed about your body :)

toys should never be considered as anything other than a "toy" which you can use for a bit of fun
and your virginity is safe until you consider it gone. its the same as most people break their hymen years before they actually have intercourse but this wouldnt be considered as losing your virginity from a fall etc the same as masturbation. unless you actually have sex with someone in a way in which you emotionally feel ready and actually do have the intimate connection your virginity is intact.
masturbation and toys used solo are just a way for us humans to release our stresses and its totally natural and should never be seen as embarassing or wrong, we all have urges and sometimes a toy is the only way we can feed whatever we are hungry for.

if someone considers toys as odd or weird etc then it may be they have never encountered them, feel threatened or they need to grow up and realise pretty much every woman/man etc has some object or device to get them off, so be happy and explore yourself until you find that special someone. and dont rush these things, make sure you feel comfortable and ready but dont make your virginity such a huge pressure point. things happen in life when they are meant too.

Key points:
Masturbation is healthy and good for you
Exploration of yourself is healthy and good for you
Your virginity label doesn’t define anything, you will lose it when you are meant too.
Don’t let others make you feel embarrassed or ashamed of masturbation or toys

I agree with everyone, THIS DOESN'T DEVALUE YOU. Anyone who tells you that, doesn't deserve you and is a judgemental jerk.

VirginAngel wrote:

So, the basics, i'm 28, a virgin due to a bunch of complex issues, only dated long distance as a result of those issues, never actually had a physial relationship of any kind.

I had no interest in sex to the point of actually being phobic about it, until i tried masturbation for the first time aged 24. Manual does nothing for me, i tried out toys, and for the last 4 years my sexual interest has wavered, sometimes no interest for months, not much at all in the last 2 years.

I was in a realtionship at the time i started masturbating and exploring, with a guy who was so shy he wouldn't even discuss sex, so i never told him. I felt like i was doing something wrong using them though, without him knowing. He was a controlling manipulative person, we split may 2015 but he led me on til new years day this year that the split was only temporary while he got help for his anxiety and depression, so i stayed loyal to him and didn't move on.

Now that i'm single again, i no longer feel guilty having sexual desires, so i'm slowly starting to get back in to things, but i'm worried about gwtting in to a relationship in the future and me using toys now being an issue.

I know it is probably silly, but i have this crazy worry that by using toys i'm "devaluing" my virginity in some way. I always used to have a misconception that toys were an add on to sex and for the kinkier type of person rather than the average person, though of course i now know thats not true. That doesn't stop me worrying a future partner will judge me for it though, that i've somehow "ruined" my virginity by using toys and that its no different than if i'd been using an actual penis. I don't know why i'm seeing female masturbation with toys as somehow being different, or "worse" than manual, but it's like i can't stop my mind associating each toy with being like an individual partner, and that since i've had a toy inserted, i'm not the same as a virgin who hasn't used an insertable toy.

I guess what i'm really asking/looking for, is reassurance that it is ok to still refer to myself as a virgin, and that just because i have used toys so won't be "unexplored" for want of a better word, and possibly not as tight (although i still cant use anything over a 4 inch girth, never have) as someone whose vagina has never been penetrated, that im not misrepresenting or "cheating" a potential future partner with the virgin technicality, especially if thats something that is actively a positive/desire for them.

As a virgin myself who regularly uses toys, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it whatsoever. In truth the same thoughts and feelings used to enter my mind and therefore I can understand you questioning whether you should be using toys but remember that you are a person with sexual needs just like the rest of us and it's perfectly fine to explore your desires.

I was 24 when I purchased my first vibrator and I was nervous about using it but once I got used to it I started really enjoying myself and my only regret was why I had waiting so long to purchase one. After much reassurance from the Lovehoney community in my first post on here, I feel more confident then ever that there is nothing wrong with buying sex toys no matter what your personal circumstances are. Everyone is different at the end of the day and using toys regularly has made me more aware than ever in regards to what works for me and what doesn't.

As for virginity, I plan to keep mine until I am absolutely sure that I have met the right person and that it would be something I really wanted to do. I used to have a friend (who is no longer any friend of mine) who used to teese me about it but no genuine person would ever make fun of you. You are who you are and one day someone special will see that and respect that. All the best to you.

It’s absolutely okay to still refer to yourself as a virgin. There’s nothing wrong with that whatsoever. Sex toys and sex acts are completely different things and virginity is lost when penetrated by a person, not an object, although I’m personally of the belief that virginity is a social construct and it shouldn’t matter too much whether you have it or not. It doesn’t define you.

The vagina is a marvellous thing. You won’t be less tight from using toys (unless of course you are regularly using massive dildos and not working on your kegels) as it’s a muscle that contracts and stretches when aroused before going back to it’s original size. I don’t think you’d be “cheating” a potential future partner as sex toys don’t equal having sex with another person and if anything, I think it would be useful to you to have some knowledge of things that stimulate you and things that don’t. It’s always better to understand your own body before someone else tries to understand it as that tends to make for better sex in my opinion.

If someone thinks that you are less valuable because of virginity or masturbation experiences then they are absolutely not worth your time. A good person will respect you and not think less of you for enjoying some solo fun. It’s natural and it’s healthy and there’s nothing to feel guilty about!

Also I would like to add that if anyone I liked did judge me for using toys I wouldn't want to give them the time of day as people should respect each others views and beliefs.

I know this is my third post on this thread but I wanting to say that I don't personally see myself as less of a virgin for using sex toys as sex toys are a way of experimenting and finding out what works for you and what doesn't. Some people may not want to use toys and that's their decision but I definitely wouldn't say it would make a virgin less of a virgin but then again as has been pointed out on here already, virginity can mean different things to different people (especially in the case of lesbians and gays). It's whatever makes a person happy at the end of the day that counts. ![](upload://ez5kOkpKXRZOxjavAURYmQxVTau.gif)

I wish I discovered toys earlier in life... maybe my first few years of sex would have been more enjoyable as I would have had a better idea of what works for you body and felt confident in my sexuality. You deserve to enjoy yourself when you want to.

Reverse this a bit and ask yourself does a wank take away the virginity of a male... it shoudl be no different for women.