Mr. Naughty writes:
I clearly remember having my first medical at infant school, aged 4, and my mother being told that I had to practice pulling my foreskin back after a bath as it was a bit tight.
To be honest I never really bothered, and yes it was a bit tight but I got along fine.
Well, one night, aged about 19 I was having sex with this woman in the car and it was somewhat painful. Anyway, after the event I got home to inspect my todger and found that my foreskin had sort of folded back on itself, and was stuck so tightly I couldn't get it forward.
All will be well in the morning I thought, going to bed. However come morning it looked as though I had a rubber donut around the head of my penis, and the skin was stretched so tight and full of air that you could actually see through it!! Bloody hell!! Being a rep I had to drive about 15 miles to my first call, yelping in pain at each bump in the road; finally realising something was seriously wrong I turned the car round and headed to my local casualty department.
Now, you have to remember this was in 1978, and the dilapidated casualty department looked like it had been used as the set for Carry On Nurse.
As I walked in there was the usual assortment in the waiting room, you know, kid with saucepan stuck on head, builder with nail through hand, that kind of thing, about 15 people.
The nurse's office was right off the waiting room, and I walked in trying to shut the door behind me due to the somewhat embarrassing nature of my injury. Well two nightmares then occurred at once; the door was one of those doors that, no matter how many times you try to shut it, begins to open by itself, and in front of me I was faced with a Chinese nurse with only a tenuous grasp of the English language.
"Wha' la ploblem?" she asked, rather louder than I'd liked.
"Well, it's my foreskin," I whispered, "It's sort of turned inside out."
"Wha'?" she boomed,
"My foreskin." I whimpered, knowing that everyone in the silent as the grave waiting room outside was trying to hear what I was saying, and at the same time continually trying to shut the damned door.
"Wha' you mean?"
"Foreskin" I hissed. Finally the penny dropped.
"AH, PENIS!!!!!" she shouted in delight at finally understanding my problem, just as the office door had managed to open its widest.
15 pairs of very amused and somewhat curious eyes followed me from the office to where I sat, mortified in the corner of the room waiting my turn.
How could it get any worse. Oh, it could, and did. I was finally ushered into a cubicle by a nurse, ordered to drop cacks and trollies and to sit on the bed and wait for the doctor.
Well, after about 5 minutes the doctor walked in, a cross between Nigella Lawson at her most alluring and Carol Vordeman, with just a hint of Kate Bush. Oh shit!
"Well Mr.Naughty she breathed, (obviously, O reader she used my real name)let's have a look at what you've been up to then."
She then proceeded to wrap one rubber-clad hand very firmly around the shaft of my shagbit and began squeezing and pumping her hand up and down, trying to free the trapped foreskin.
Well, a man, especially at 19 can only take so much, no matter how much pain he's in and no matter how many times he recites the Manchester United first team. Her grip began to be forced wider, and her up down travel became longer and longer, as did my poor old dick. She looked at me, I looked at her, and the bloody nurse just stared at my by now throbbing hard on.
"I think we'll try something else." Muttered Carol Vorderman, who then proceeded to grasp my engorged foreskin with both hands and forcibly turned it back the right way; amid I might add, screams of a volume similar to that of a Motorhead concert when they play the really loud bit!!
Well, it worked, and with the swelling now on the inside I could have made a fortune in the porn industry as it looked like an anaconda.
"I only had one go at that or you'd have been for the chop." Said docky wocky. "No sex for a week!!"
Blimey, what a lucky escape; and I assure you every word of it is true.
Part 2 of this sorry tale of my foreskin and casualty happened about 7 years later. B ut I shall save it for another time.
Anyone else had an embarrassing encounter at casualty or the doctors?
Mr. Naughty writes:
Oh god, Mr N, that's priceless. I love 'shagbit'... I'm stealing it for my own personal lexicon.
Fortunately never had anything that embarrassing happen to me in casualty... only ever been for mundane things like when I split my lip open or when I had appendicitis!
I've always managed to avoid casualty despite getting a dildo trapped inside me, accidentally squirting lube up my nose and various other sexual disasters.
The stories are on my blog, can I put links to them here or is that not how this forum works?
Whack it up, I say. But then again I'm not, like, anybody important.
OK, well the occasion where I came the closest to having to go to the emergency room was this one:
Teeheehee... that's extremely funny, and awfully embarrassing.