Emotional Roller Coasters

Off-Topic Chat
1

I am posting on here as I am at a bit of a loss as to where to find the information I need or even the right people to talk to.

I have been with hubby for over 15 years and we have had a bumpy ride emotionally. His work have been less than supportive and I have been battling mild depression / anxiety since my first son was born. I have 2 amazing boys and a job that I love but it means working away a lot. I am quite a spiritual person so can see all sides of discussions and can accept the opinions of others quite easily.

Recently Hubby and I have embarked on an amazing journey into finding ourselves and connecting with each other again. Our strength is communication and I have never felt closer to him than in the past month. I have been wanting sex with him for a few years and had nothing as he has not been in the right place for himself. This has changed recently and it has taken me back to when we first met.

He has opened my eyes to parts of my personality and self worth that I never knew existed. It has been brilliant but am wondering if anyone else has had such a high on reconnecting with a partner that it has fallen flat and gone back to where it used to be as soon as something serious has reared it’s head? How did you guys get round it?

I am trying to balance the growth of my personality with being myself at work and the feeling of being torn between 2 ‘hats’ makes things tough.

I would appreciate knowing this may have happened to others and any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

5 Likes
2

Well, that didn’t go the way I thought it was @lotus77, and I’m glad things are on the up.

My husband and I went through a mega rough patch about 18 months in (so about 8 years ago now) and we almost split, and went on a similar reconnection journey where we ended much closer than we started, much more “us” and less “two people sharing a relationship”.

We’ve been through all sorts of crap since then, and we get stronger through it, because we keep on applying the same mindset to future bumps as we did in the past. So to answer the “how did you get round it?” question, is we haven’t had to, because we genuinely both want it to not be as before.

The thing I may be able to be helpful with is your comment about “trying to balance the growth of my personality with being myself at work and the feeling of being torn between 2 ‘hats’ makes things tough”

I have another perspective for you that may help.

Rather than being torn between 2 hats, I think of it more like this. I am me, developing however I do, whenever I do. My personality, my knowledge etc grows as it does.

Work me is someone else. It’s a role. I play the role of “insert job title here”. Let’s use the example job “receptionist”. At home, I’m Kinky Mira, sex mad babe. At work, I’m Receptionist Mira, polite, business-like, efficient. At work, I’m not expected to show (for example) a political affiliation. So, Receptionist Mira doesn’t get involved in politics. (Not that Kinky Mira does a lot, but it was just an example).

At work, you aren’t you, you are “you, the representative of the company and department”. It is a role. It is almost acting. In fact, receptionists act quite a lot. I’m not saying work you is completely an act, think about how many people talk corporate bullshit, and whether those people do at home. Mostly they don’t, but their work role requires it and so they do it.

What I’m trying to say (and I hope I got it over) is that there isn’t any reason why a work role should make things tough over the growth of your personality. Clearly it is for some reason, and you probably need to think about why that would be. I know so many people that don’t have that separation between them and work, and yet that separation was always pretty obvious to me.

But can your issues with conflict be resolved by a change of view of how you view your job?

So welcome to the forum and I hope that perhaps puts a perspective on things that you may not of thought of.

3 Likes
3

Hi @lotus77 I have been pondering your post.
From

Our relationship dramatically changed when I changed career and in effect took a step back in that department. I was previously upper management, busy, bitchy, stressed and had no time for sex - barely time for family life.
When I changed roles, office based middle management with regular work hours it was like someone flicked a switch.
I realised how much my Husband had tolerated and never pressured me for sex. I had a libido again and wanted to repay him (and satisfying myself ofcourse).
I did worry this phase would ware off but 4.5 years later its showing no signs of changing back.
For reference I had previously had a raging sex drive right from my first partners so maybe I just reverted to “normal”.

I believe all parts of a relationship need focus to work, if you are both committed to working at it I see no reason it should revert. Enjoy it.
Hope my lunchtime ramblings have helped a little.

5 Likes
4

@KinkyMira amazing post, I wish my brain worked like yours. All bases covered.

I totally agree with the work “acting” I saw a customer on site today.
I read body language and silent cues well and played my part

Nice order taken to pass onto the sales team.

2 Likes
5

I’m actually going through something similar at the moment!
I’ve got this person who I really really like and want to build something with if we get on well as yes not met yet so all contact has been through messaging and stuff but we’ve been talking for going on near 2 years now :see_no_evil:

This year has been a massive struggle with the lockdowns and their mental state mixed in which meant they’d distanced loads yet I stayed strong and grounded for them (although was a total wreck myself). Then the other week we had this amazing heart to heart talk about things and I believe it brought us closer and they’ve messaged near every day since like the good times when we started connecting. But this week has been like a tits up rocket down kind of week and some of the stuff that’s happened has made me feel like a paranoid crazy person which I hate being, and cause I suffer from anxiety with depression, it’s made me feel rather ill…

I’m just praying this isn’t gonna be like a common thing of rapid highs with mega lows as truthfully it is killing me inside!

2 Likes
6

I am with you @lotus77 and @KinkyMira . I have an upper management Project Management job which means trouble shooting and fixing shit all day long. I go from problem to problem and “fix” them… I am spread thin and exhausted at the end of the day.
I play sports and some games to go into a numb zone and shut off “fixing stuff”. The other day I went pheasant hunting for the first time and loved it!! It totally took my mind off everything else and I just killed stuff - and was good at it.
I did make the mistake of telling my wife that sex with her took me there as I think she misunderstood. Sometimes I get so involved in the moment that I forget what I am doing.

For example, when I play sports that is the only thing I can think about, the only thing I am focused on and I want to be the best at it. I pour myself into it and everything else in my brain is gone! The problem comes when I eat pussy, I want to try and do the same thing. I focus so much on the “task” that I lose the emotional connection with my wife. I am hammering on her clit and doing all sorts of things, trying to read body language and make her cum that it isn’t making the connection with her emotionally. She will sometimes push me off saying “it’s too much” and I get a bit offended as I am “fixing” her with what I think she wants, yet am missing the mark.

If you have watched “9 Perfect Strangers” on Apple TV, there is a couple who are so disconnected that it seems impossible to get it back. However, a few episodes in his wife just wants to feel “skin on skin”, to reconnect… That hit us both hard to the point where for the first 10-15 minutes of sex it is just reconnecting and holding each other…skin on skin… remembering who we are and stop “fixing” things or finishing a task…

Long story short is that the communication, both verbal and non-verbal can go a long way. Try just holding each other, lose the “f@cking” portion and just go skin on skin. It really seemed to change my mind set when I am PM Val at work fixing shit… and she is Mrs. Val at home, fixing people’s beauty issues and wiping kids asses all damn day and then try to get in the mindset of sex? Not that easy…

Skin on Skin

Give it a shot and see what happens. I will never forget that and when I feel distant… Skin on skin… followed by a good oral round, some rimming and a huge finale! But somedays it starts with a slow skin on skin episode to remind each other of where you are and who you are…

You will figure it out. Sorry for the verbal diarrhea! Hang in there kid…

1 Like
7

Thanks everyone for the kind words and making me feel that I am not alone in the highs and lows. I am loving that you all picked up on the work aspect being the sticking point. I have had a couple of good nights sleep since I posted and am doing so much better. I am on leave now for 2 weeks and am back to being a Mum and Wife and not a Teacher anymore ( for this week at least). I work away from home during the week which has helped with keeping the spark alive. I will go back to the skin on skin. If it works with bonding a newborn to a Father then it can only be a positive step for 2 grown adults.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart x

3 Likes