Encourage more sex with partner

Hello, my partner and I are having less and less sex and are only having sex at the most convenient times usually at the weekend.

I have tried various different things to get my partner interested but unless it’s either Saturday or Sunday afternoon when ever she is relaxed we never have sex or even have any flirtation etc.

I feel I sound like a typical bloke suggesting we have more sex but I have no idea how to approach the subject.

I of course don’t want her to do anything she doesn’t wish to but I just get the impression she isn’t that interested in sex all together. We have been together for over 6 years and whenever I try to talk about sex she gets quite uncomfortable and also states we shouldn’t plan to do anything, we should just go with the flow and see what happens.

I feel a bit lost and don’t really know how to resolve the situation.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I also want us to try BDSM. She likes the various acts involved but I really want to make it more formal but again whenever I have suggested this historically I get the same response of we shouldn’t plan for these things etc.

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Welcome, @Sharps

An awful lot there in that post really, and I think the main thing is trying to have open communication around it, which it looks like you have been trying.

How is the rest of the relationship, intimacy, connection between the two of you?

Do you have children? Is there things that you can do to help her relax?
With helping her relax, things like helping her with things round house, running her a bath with candles, cooking her a meal, foot/head massages. The key thing around that of course, is doing it to help her relax. Not for her to relax, and expect something in return for it. That will come in its own time, on her accord would be my suggestion.

How do you both see and experience intimacy between each other? What are both of your needs around this? Me and my ex had very different intimacy needs - hers were met with cuddles on the sofa, holding hands. For me, I needed kissing and to be desired.

I would step it right back the other way. If you are having less and less sex, trying to then introduce BDSM is likely to create more pressure. Focus on the connection between the two of you first.

Of course, as I often suggest on here, talking with a good couples/sex therapist would help a lot. You will be operating from your perspective, your view of sex, your beliefs, what it means to you. It can be quite difficult to see your partners equivalent - and they will often be different (hence the difficulty seeing it, especially when feeling own needs not being met).

Ultimately it is communication around things. It can be really difficult, timing is important, and trying to talk to understand each other. Does she need more romancing? Would she like someone to take control?
You mention when you talk about sex she feels uncomfortable and doesn’t want to plan anything. You don’t need to plan anything. It is being curious, what does she need? or want?
By planning anything, she feels pressured, and likely to feel she is letting you down if she isn’t in the mood at the time.

Not sure if any of that helps, but wish you luck.

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This! Exactly what I would have said.
(Mrs)

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Thanks for your response

The rest of the relationship intimacy wise is so so. I’m naturally a very touchy/feely person who always offers hugs and wants hugs in return.

She often likes cuddles on the sofa and an arm around her when going to sleep but other than that very little.

She is always tired which does impact things and she never wants to be intimate when tired in anyway.

We have a 2 year old but this has been an ongoing issue to be honest ever since the “honeymoon” period of the relationship was over which was probably 9-12 months let’s say.

I have done many things to try and help her relax like booking surprise massages for her, cooking a romantic meal, always suggesting she has a long bath etc. I often find this makes her more sleepy afterwards and less inclined to have sex.

I do so much around the house and do the vast majority of child care drop off/pick up as my job is much more flexible than hers. She does have a busy/hectic job which has always been the case and this surely impacts things but when we got engaged we decided to have a long 10 day holiday away and we had sex only twice which I was disappointed about as I booked it all as a surprise, romantic room, romantic meals, romantic gestures and really put a lot of time and effort into the trip but it didn’t make that much difference sexually.

We clearly have different intimacy needs. When I have brought this up she has cried and thinks I might leave her because we don’t have sex enough (this was only once) and now I’m so afraid to say anything because I don’t want to upset her or put a strain on the relationship. I tend to keep this all inside which I know isn’t healthy but struggling to see what the alternative is.

I’m nervous about suggesting a therapist because she will know that something is up and clearly needs changing which again I’m nervous about her getting upset and feeling like she has to give me sex otherwise I’ll leave her which isn’t the case at all.

We also haven’t talked about sex in probably a couple of years

If you haven’t talked about it in years, I would definitely try to have another conversation with her. Unfortunately, the best time for that is probably one of the weekend times you might normally have sex. Ask her if she would be willing to try something if you set it all up. If she needs you to, spell out something you want to try. If she’s up for a surprise, tell her things that definitely won’t happen (spanking, clips on parts of the body, etc.). While I’m going to write more, having at least one discussion with her is crucial. Don’t just suprise her with a new experience. Make sure she’s open to experimenting a bit.

I am perpetually tired (narcolepsy + stressful job + 2 YO twins). You mentioned you are interested in BDSM. Perhaps instead of trying to make a firm dom/sub relationship happen, you can consider baby steps.

For example, I love it when my husband takes control. Whether that’s holding my hands with his, pulling off my shirt but only part way so it covers part or all of my face, or using actual restraints, I like them all. But if she isn’t sure, try something that doesn’t use restraints first.

Unless she has asked for it in the past, I would put aside anything pain inducing, including spanking, whether by hand or with something else. I think the pain part scares a lot of people (myself and husband included, although we’re exploring it a bit now). It would probably make her more relaxed if you took it completely off the table (unless she’s previously asked for it).

If you’ve gotten her to the point where she is willing to try restraints, think of something you can do where she has to do little to no physical work. The following is something my husband and I did that I would be willing to do again even if I was close to falling asleep on my feet. Feel free to ignore it or use it word for word.

Pre-event prep:

  1. Get whatever restraints you’re using ready to tie her spread eagle to the bed. If she has to sit and wait while you get everything out, she might decide it’s too much trouble. You can put an under bed restraint system in place, adjust it close to where you need it for her, then tuck the 4 attachment points under the mattress for easy access without her seeing it before you’re ready.
  2. Pick some food stuff you will both like and get it together. Chocolate sauce, ice cream, whipped cream, peanut butter, etc. (Note with dairy products the residue can start to smell so save those towards the end if you want to use them). We also got ice pop molds and made plain ice popsicles for some temperature play. If you want to do temp play on the warm side, make triple sure whatever you’re using won’t burn her right before you apply it, every time you apply more.
  3. If she or you will be upset with bedsheets getting dirty, either buy a cheap set to use, or grab something like painters plastic, lay it down, and top it with something less important, like towels.

The Event:

  1. Assuming she’s ok with it, get her in spread eagle and put a blindfold on her.
  2. Make sure you understand what she is ok with right before you start. Tell her the food options if she wants you to, even if it removes a bit of suprise. Food of any kind should never go inside the vagina, anus, or urethra. It greatly increases the chance of yeast or other infections occuring, which would likely turn her off to doing something like this again. I mentioned plain ice pops - ice isn’t food. But I’d make sure she’s ok with trying cold things before putting one in (also don’t leave it too long) - can also use only externally for sure. If there’s anywhere else she doesn’t want food, stay away from that/those area/s.
  3. Put food wherever you want within the limits of item 2 and feast. Take your time, give her some of the food sometimes (use a spoon, finger, or other appendage that fits in her mouth), and basically focus on worshipping her. Hold back on any extremeish thoughts the first time (my husbanded ended with smashing a ton of whip cream in my face and eating it. I was fine with it, but someone who may be so-so on the idea to begin with probably wouldn’t).
  4. The time for actual sex is when either of you have had enough teasing and you’re done playing with food. Again, you don’t want food going in holes it shouldn’t, but if you want to cover her chest in chocolate sauce and eat it during sex, go for it. I’d recommend keeping her in the same position, but put a pillow under her butt.
  5. MAKE SURE YOU ARE ABLE TO TAKE A SHOWER WHEN YOU ARE DONE! Even if you have plans later, the kid is waking up from nap at a certain time, or you have any other commitments, you need to shower after. The longer she has to feel sticky, smell curdled milk or anything else smelling sour, etc., The less likely she will remember it as a good experience.

Assuming you’re doing all the prep work, she has to do next to nothing and gets to feel amazing. I did all the prep as a surprise for my husband and it was still amazing.

Hopefully something like this, meaning something that focuses a lot on her feeling good without feeling like she should’ve done more cardio workouts, will get her interested in trying more stuff. Good luck!

P.S. sorry for the book…

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It certainly sounds like you’ve explored a lot, doing all that you can, with plenty of effort. Fair play, in that sense you cannot do much more.

Unfortunately, it sounds like it is leaving you feeling rather left out, undesired, and dare I say resentful that your efforts are not being rewarded and needs not being met, and the basis of this post of course.

The thing that is missing is the communication - and as you’ve suggested, that in itself feels like a minefield of perceptions and fears.

At the moment, you are both reading completely different books in a different genre.
Ideally, you’d like to narrow that down, first to find a genre that interests you both, then maybe a book, and eventually both being on the same page.

The idea of therapy is that you have a professional person there to help you both understand and relate to each others needs and wants. Neither of you are in the wrong, its just that the communication to understand each other in this way is missing.
Therapy will help you both reflect on your own selves, and also to help communicate those needs and find balance so you can both be content.

A therapist will help to explore this type of situation, and talk it through as a couple, understand where that insecurity is coming from. Also, it is important to know intimacy doesn’t equal sex for everyone.

It sounds like the strain is already there, and ultimately whilst you avoid the risk of upsetting her, there is little progress that can be made.
There clearly is something up, for this post to exist.
Things do need to change for you by the sounds of it, but it requires input, effort and change for you both to get to that same page.
Seeing a therapist isn’t about either of you being broken, or in the wrong. It’s about helping to understand yourselves first, then each other, and then finding that common ground so that both of your needs are met.

Have a look on these forums for peoples experience with couples or sex therapists before suggesting anything, do some ground work on it. I think you’ll find a lot of people have found it very helpful. It isn’t for everyone of course, and may not be for your lady. However, if that isn’t an option, and talking openly between the two of you isn’t an option, where does that leave @Sharps ?

One of my favourite things I say to newcomers in recovery;
If nothing changes, for sure, nothing will change.

Take some time to think about things, how to approach it. If talking isn’t an option, maybe a letter.
But from what you have said, first things first, need to communicate. Time to put the Big Boy pants on and face some of those fears/uncomfortable situation, or accept things as they are.

Hope you find a solution that works for you mate, and of course, take time to understand what it is you really need.

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Very good advice on this thread from @Mr_Kink1 :heart:

There is lots of great books and podcasts about sex and sexuality - particularly from a female perspective.
I really recommend having a look at a few. Emily Nagoski is a great sex educator, particularly around women. Her book, Come as You Are is really worth looking at
https://www.emilynagoski.com/the-facts

You really need to have another conversation with her. Find a time when you are both free, able to take the time to have the chat and sober. Don’t phrase it as a “I’m not getting enough sex so we need to fix this” but as more of a “let’s have a chat about how much us time we have and what we do”. Start with the positives about your relationship. Remember to give her the opportunity to talk to and express what she needs and feels.

If you do want to continue with actions, you’ve got to stop doing them with the hope of having sex, because it’s clearly not working and you are just frustrating yourself. Adding elements like bdsm is a terrible idea right now as I think you’ll either get rejected or she’ll do it once to make you happy and then not again, which will frustrate you more.

Have you tried asking her for a massage? If you use some oil, that will give you a reason to strip down and I’d suggest a back massage with you laying down on your front. She would be in control then and maybe that might help her mentally get into the intimacy a little more. Don’t try and push it beyond a massage but don’t stop her if she initiates anything further. However, if it does help don’t just ask for daily massages; it will stop working very quickly if you do!

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Welcome to the forum :slightly_smiling_face: if she’s said to not plan for these things then that would give me the motivation to be more flirtatious throughout the week to see if you can up her sex drive with little acts of sexual attraction. Maybe send her flirty texts throughout the day and some naughty photos or maybe one evening set up a spontaneous romantic setting in the house for her to find and feel excited about :wink:

It’s good to start off small and gradually add to it as she gets more intrigued.

Also has she by chance started menopause?

Thank you all for the advice. We actually ended up talking through some things last night following the advice on here.

It felt a big step and decided to not over think it and just bring up the matter. There are things both of us took from talking about it and today there has been lots of intimacy and a freshness of connectivity which is great.

Thanks everyone for your help and advice oh and who said I wanted to be the dom;)???

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Youve had some amazing advice here and ill be honest in saying i havent read every reply fully so apologies if im repeating anything. Im also going to be short and sweet… ish
Weve been together for 19 years and my libido is fairly low. Hubby on the other hand has the sex drive of a man half his age :rofl: It has put pressure on us in the past. Weve talked, weve argued, ive cried etc. I have PCOS and that greatly contributes to my lack of sex drive, or so the doctors say. It may be worth some blood tests or a docs appt first, just to make sure that she isnt lacking in anything.
It sounds like she leads a very busy life along side you but you seem to know that this could be contributing to the situation and it sounds like you do all you can to keep her calm and relaxed!
We are into BDSM anyway so cant really suggest anything on this front, but as someone mentioned above, i would put that to the side for now at least.
We actually only have sex on the weekend as we work opposite shifts mon to fri. It suits me as i feel the pressure is off. I got into a stage where i wouldnt even cuddle him as I assumed he just wanted sex. Through the week though as part of my ‘tasks’ i edge myself to the point of orgasm. This works for us. We only have 2 days a week where we have sex and i want it to be a wanted experience and not something im just doing out of obligation. I also have recently started writing short erotic stories about us. Fantasies i suppose and i send them to him to read. We communicate our needs and wants and even have electronic checklists that we go over but it seems to really work, having to think of a situation and type it and send it to him.
The key i think, is communication, but youre probably sick of reading that by now. It really is though. Slow and steady will definately win the race so to say. Maybe start by having a designated time for sex each week. That way she can build herself up to it and you can gradually increase the frequency. Maybe have 1 night in the week where you just touch each others body. Explore and be sensual rather than sexual. It may turn sexual but dont let that be the aim. Have a night where you take 10 mins before you go to sleep to just kiss. I dont mean tongues down each others throats. Just light kisses anywhere, the lips, face, neck, arms, feet… you get the picture and ignore genitals and breasts. Again it may lead to something else but its just about reconnecting. You could even make a rule that even if you both want it to go further, that you dont. Let the anticipation build over a few days.
Take time to look at each other and i mean really look. Put 2 or 3 minutes aside and just stare into each others eyes. No talking, not touching and just look. Its amazing what that can actually do!
You seem to be very much in love. Keep working on it and im sure you will come out of the other side. (I said i was going to keep it short but once i started typing i couldnt stop… sorry)

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