Hi guys. A lot of my posts recently have been about how I feel rather depressed at the moment and the issues its caused in my relationship. I've finally figured out why- I've fallen out of love with my boyfriend.
I've been feeling like something is missing in our relationship for a little while now and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I told him last week that I needed a little bit of space- we have still been seeing each other and going about our normal 'routine', but instead of just staying with him at his house while he has work to do, for example, I'll go back home or meet with my sister for lunch or something, which has given me a well needed little break.
I feel terrible having realised that I'm just not in love with him anymore. We've been together for 5 years, since I was 15. We've obviously changed a hell of a lot since we first started dating. I still love him so much, but I'm not in love anymore, which breaks my heart. I'm trying to make myself fall back in love with him as I don't want him to be hurt but I just don't know.
He's absolutely my best friend and I really do love him but I don't know how long I can keep trying to make myself love him more.
I want to explain to him how I feel but I know he will be crushed and I don't want to do that to him. I need to just tell him that I am willing to work at our relationship because I don't want to lose him but right now, I love him like I love a friend, and thats all.
I'm scared that he will think he's done something wrong or that I have met someone else but thats not the case. I don't know how to explain it to him so that he understands it is no ones fault and these things just happen sometimes.
I really don't want to come across as nasty, and I am massively aware in your head it is going to feel much more heightened and intense but you really are coming across as this is being made much more of a big deal than it needs to be. I will stress again I understand how you feel and it is going to be magnified as it's personal to you. However, it's just life. Things sound lovely from how you have described. He will be upset. You are on good terms though and you will explain your feelings to him. It's just life!! You might end up getting back together anyway.. Who knows? Just live!! xxxxx
I get what you mean MM but I don't think "its just life" isn't going to make my boyfriend feel any better about the situation unfortunately..Things aren't lovely right now, at all. I'm slowly losing someone I have known and loved for the last 5 years and knowing I'm going to break his heart is a really shit feeling.
Yeah I guess. It's not like it's the end of the world. I'm willing to try again and maybe start dating like we did years ago. I don't know. I'll see how it goes I suppose..!
The dating sounds like a good idea to me :) it will give you two a chance to get to know each other again, to get out of a rut that long term relationships can sometimes get into. Humans are supposedly "a creature of habit" and sometimes it takes a long time to realise when things arent right and we aren't happy anymore.
I know it seems so hard to move on but you really can, being with someone when you realise you dont love them can be so hard to deal with but for your own sake and sanity you need to tell him and tell him you need to move on, it's not fair on him to think hes in a relationship with someone whos got the same feelings as him, I'm not in any way saying you are leading him on. This is the time you need to start thinking about yourself and not about him, as hard as it seems you need to be strict and make a plan and stick to it, put aside feelings of hurting him or trying to make it easier because no matter what you do you've got an emotional attachment there so it will never be an easy thing to do but its something you need to deal with sooner than later.
Aww Queen C, that's a pants situation. In a way, I feel for you more -- it's one thing to have your heart broken, but to do it TO someone you still love (in a way) is really bloody difficult.
I broke up with my first boyfriend for the same reason. We had been going out for five years, and towards the end I found that I could tell him I loved him anymore without it catching in my throat as a complete lie. I couldn't bring myself to break up with him, but eventually he noticed something was up, and things came to a head. I wish I'd had the courage to break up with him sooner, because the last few months were totally miserable.
My advice is to rip off the plaster, make a clean break for both of you. Take some proper space -- no contact at all-- for a couple of weeks to let feelings settle and examine how you really feel. Pay attention to what your gut is telling you. It IS going to be really difficult, but the best thing for both of you is to address it now before resentment sets in.
I'm going to just sit him down this week and tell him that although I do love him a lot, I'm no longer in love with him and it's making me miserable. I don't want to break up with him, I want to try and make myself realise why I fell in love in the first place, and I think going back to how we were 5 years ago is a good idea- we can go on dates like we did back then. He's such a huge part of my life and I love him more than anything so I really do want to make an effort.
Then in a couple of weeks, after the dating, if I still feel the same, our time together will come to an end. I think thats probably the best way to go about it so we are both as happy as we can be for the time being and plus it lets us both down a bit more gently.
I can't say anything that hasn't already been said. But it seems very much like you need to rediscover your old feelings or else it will come to an end. Horrible situation for you both :-( I really hope you manage to work it out, whatever you decide in the long run.
excuse me but if any woman I was involved with said I love you a lot but I am not in love with you I would say there is the door and dont catch your ass on the way out, actually did it in 1981,,,best thing I ever did.
Well maybe that's what will happen Gunther! I have no idea how he will react!
He's pretty understanding most of the time so I'll just have to wait and see I suppose.. He's an amazing guy anyways. Deserves to be appreciated more than I do at the moment, thats for sure.
Dating might be cute. Give it a try if you feel it's right but try not to lead him on too much. I'd probably personally have a little break before I tried the dating maybe.....
Either way, soul mates don't necessairily mean a romantic partner for the rest of our lives, many people believe we have more than one.
It'll all work out in the end xxxxx
I'd personally sit him down and tell him you feel like you've lost the spark and you feel too much like friends than lovers lately, suggest dates, ways to re-find what you had before. People do grow and change from their experiences and how they handle them, some grow closer, some grow apart, but you did fall in love before so it might just be down to feeling too settled, comfortable and ultimately bored with the pattern of your relationship. Try new things together, go to new places, do things as a couple and have some fun.
If after a few weeks, nothing has changed, then at least you've tried. You'll also of told him, and he would of had the chance to try too.
Though obviously you are the one in the relationship, you know how much you've tried, exactly how you're feeling and whether you think there's any hope at all. If you don't think there is any, tell him exactly what you just told the forum, it's explained in a heartfelt, understanding, serious way and I'm sure after the initial upset he will be grateful that you told him, and it ended, as no-one wants to be in a one-sided relationship. I'm afraid there is no easy way to tell him either :(
Reading some of the reply posts though, I find it a little sad that people are so quick to say, 'Xyear relationship? No worries, throw it away, something else will come along.' I'm no relationship expert, but I'm not an advocate of ending a relationship that may be fixable because you're certain someone else will come along and be your soul mate...relationships require effort, soul mates require understanding, not a 'uhmm, cba, next!' attitude.
Ok so I'm thinking this might be the harshest post I will ever write and for that I apologise but I'm just calling it as I see it-
From what I can tell your 20? That's a young age to be trying to make something work that just doesn't quite seem right! When your 15, especially a girl all you want is to loved by a guy because having a bf is a social status amongst your peers and while this guy may have seemed right for you at 15 at 20 it's just not working. People change- can anyone honestly say they r exactly the same person they were when they were 15?
My advice would be different ifyou were both older and married - I'd say dates were an excellent idea because u have invested so much in the sense you are married.
However your not married. Telling a guy that you love him but just aren't in love with him is not a great idea. Any bloke I know that has heard this doesn't quite understand the theory and most get false hope from it- believing "I can make her love me again" how long will it last? How long do u think you could both fool each other into believing you will love each outer unconditionally for the rest of your life? To put so much effort in now to fix something at your age gives me the impression u want to be with him forever otherwise why make all the effort? And say you do tell him that and that u want to try dates and at the end of 2 weeks u say to him- no this relationship is just not for me- how do u think he will feel then? False hope is worse than a clean break!
You will break his heart either way but giving him a sense of false hope won't make the break better or easier just harder and worse as u have to tell him a second time why u don't want to be with him.
Sorry if its not what u want to hear but I'm saying it not only for the sake of ur bf but also for yours- why spend your life trying to continually fix something u wished u had given up on yrs ago xxx
Are you in counselling? Whatever's going on is inside you and breaking things off with one of your major supports isn't going to fix that.
Queen C was asking for opinions. Miss teach&nurse was only giving hers. I also happen to agree with her. I would suggest a trial period of separation. Sometimes you don't realise what you have until its gone. You might also find you enjoy your new found freedom.
I sincerely hope you are happy no matter what you choose.