I can relate to a lot of what you have said... I went through the same thing with my ex
Its a horrible horrible thing when you feel you cant live with or without someone
I cant fall in love at the moment , let alone fall out of it !
I have more chance of falling out of bed still looking for my Princess... and she will be a princess
You are very young and it's very unusual to have a life long relationship with someone you started a relationship with at 15 years old. Most people on here have given good advice about being honest, saying basically what you've said on here is what you need to tell him.
It's perhaps more difficult for you if it's all you've ever know but it will feel like a weight off your shoulders if it's the right thing to do.
People say lifes too short when trying to make the right decission.. I say life's too long if you make the wrong decision and spend your whole life wondering or regretting. Think carefull and be honest, he might feel the same.
Ohhh I have been there before lovely. Same as you we were together for 5 years since we were 15 and I thought he was the one and only. Going away to uni opened my eyes a lot and I realised that we were just not meant to be.. but the break up was still very difficult and it dragged on for months and months.
You've been posting a lot recently about your relationship and it is clear that you are confused and upset and it's completely fine to be that way. Breaking up with someone, especially when it's your first serious relationship is one of the hardest things to do.
You don't sound like you're happy. And if you're anything like me you know that very deep down it's not going to work and you're not going to be together forever. I'm really sorry if that's harsh but you are so young and you have so much ahead of you. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't make you happy, who you have doubts about and who you are no longer in love with.
Of course you don't want to lose your friend and your companion. I'm sure you had hopes and dreams and plans for the future with him and that is very hard to let go of.
Once I ended things with my boyfriend (finally) it was like this massive weight had been lifted and I was free. I was free from guilt and confusion and sadness. But it took me so long to get there, I realised that I'd basically been trying to break up with this boy since I was 16 because I KNEW he wasn't right for me. But every time he'd worm his way back into my life and I would cave in because I missed him and I was scared of the hurt and the pain that comes with breaking up with someone. In the end when we did break up I was not sad, I didn't hurt because it had just been such a long time coming that I had already said goodbye.
I know I've focussed a lot on breaking up when you've said you want to work on your relationship. I just wanted to share my story and maybe make you look at things differently. You know deep down what you're going to do. You deserve to be happy and madly in love. You are young and you need that.
xx
Hi everyone, thanks for taking the time to reply.
I agree with what you are all saying completely and it's been really helpful to see that some of you have been in similar situations and have come out of it just fine.
I think I know that the end is coming soon bu even though I don't want our relationship to be over, I just need to accept it. It's going to be difficult to stay or go but ending things would be better for us both in the long run- as many have said here, I'm pretending and he deserves to be with someone who feels the same wasy as he does.
I just feel so bad and guilty. I do love him, but I'm just not in love anymore- I love him as a friend and would do anything to hold onto our friendship but I know that's just something I'll have to miss out on until he is ready to have that bond again.
I'm going to give it about a month which I know is a long time but with Christmas coming up, and then in January his birthday.... Who knows, with all the romantic, festive atmosphere, I may be able to forget about this until then anyways and be happy with him for a while.
Thank you all for the advice, I'll keep you posted.
xx
*Sorry, posted twice*
x
Just quickly, I understand why you aren't going to tell him until after Xmas and then after his birthday because its his birthday but please don't get into the cycle of I can't break up with him because this is happening or I can't break up with him because there is an event going up
Next thing you know ur back round to next Xmas and still with the same guy more miserable and unhappy and wishing you had broken up way sooner
xxx
What an awful feeling... I've been through this few years ago. The most important thing is to be honest and tell what you feel or don't feel anymore.
I would sound just two notes of caution:
From some other threads I get the impression you have been having a stressful time - perhaps not the best situation under which to view long-term relationships which might, as a consequence, not have been receiving the necessary attention to maintain them in tip-top condition.
The other is to be honest about how much the lack of novelty that a relationship of this duration has is factored into your feelings. In this regard, bear in mind that any long-term relationship looses its initial gloss and must develop in ways to compensate for that.
To put it at its most basic, $h@g number 1000 with with existing OH is unlikely to have the inherent thrill of $h@g number 1 with someone new. However, if we want to be in a long-term relationship we need to overcome that. The alternative is a sort of serial monogamy which is fine if that is what you need/want.
Hi QueenC, I kind of know where you are with your life at the moment. I had a similar thing going on when I was younger.
I started a relationship with a good friend at 17, and after a couple of years it wasn't great to be honest but she was a great friend, loved her to bits. I was falling out of love with her toward the end.
Anyway, I finished my last year of university hundreds of miles away, we agreed to try and keep it going. When I was away, uni opened my mind up a lot, I received a lot of interest from women, though I never did do anything as I don't agree with cheating, nor was I particularly interested in playing the field as it were. At the same time, my now ex was being pretty mean with me, sending me mixed signals. Anyway, I finished uni and the relationship detereorated after a few months being back.
I struggled; really struggled to gather my thoughts on how I really felt, how I approach the issue, how I should tell her. In the end I managed to, and it was real tough. We agreed to a break, and though I wasn't in love with her anymore I was the one trying the hardest to get it going again. It never worked out and to tell you the truth it has been quite possibly the best decision in my life, to tell her how I felt and call it off, because I'd be regretting wasting a lot more years if I hadn't have done that all those years ago.
We were together over five years, from a fairly young age, and grew apart. So I can understand. Whether I'd have gone to uni or not, it would have happened as I felt it was happening before I went away.
Sorry if I've bored you with my story but I thought I should tell you all that to hopefully help.
You're still young, in your prime, and if you've got big regrets now I reckon you know what you really need to do. If you break up, it'll hurt. Of course it will. It may continue to always be sour between you, or it may work out that you're just friends at the end of it. That all said, I have people who are close to me who are childhood sweethearts, married and happy.
It's not an easy choice at all, but you're still young enough to meet new people, people who have passed their teens and probably know what they want in their life. But then five years is a lot of time invested in someone you love. You've got to ask yourself is it worth investing more love, time, effort, tears, happiness and sadness to make it work or wrap it up and hopefully look back on the good years and move on.
Anyway, I wish you all the best.
I am always surprised how readily people advise a break up. Queen C if you find someone else and after a period of time feel the same do you break up again? That "if" is a big "if" by the way unless you already have.
My first love and I grew apart very quickly, i wasnt giving her what she wanted. After 2 years she learned no one could because her demands were ridiculous. No regrets about falling in love with her and no regrets about ending the whole thing.
Plus consider what you may feel if he says "thats great I feel the same"
Gunther your post is rather contradicting! You've stated that people are quick to advise of a break up and talk about if the situation arises again do u just jump in and break up again.... Yet you go on to say about how u broke up with someone because things weren't right with the relationship after 2 years. Why is breaking up with someone who isn't right ok for you but not for anyone else?
Queen C as I've said your 20 years old and if u have to put this much effort in at your age to maintain this relationship, how much u going to have to put in, in 10 years time when your married? When u have children? Will you look back in 20 years time and think why have I spent 20 years of my life and happiness trying to make something work I wished I had let go.
Miss teach&nurse wrote:
Gunther your post is rather contradicting! You've stated that people are quick to advise of a break up and talk about if the situation arises again do u just jump in and break up again.... Yet you go on to say about how u broke up with someone because things weren't right with the relationship after 2 years. Why is breaking up with someone who isn't right ok for you but not for anyone else?
Fair point but my ex was into violence and group sex . Things came to a head when i found out she was going to Reading music festival sleeping in one tent with 9 other men. This after she left me on a whim and came back two weeks later with her eyes black and blue. Queen C hasnt mentioned anything like that.
Queen C may just be changing from a girl to a mature woman, relationships have a different tempo
I'm wondering how many of the people who've compared QueenC's situation to their own were struggling with depression as well. That's a rather significant factor.
Once again I'm going to encourage you to get into counselling, QueenC. This is about YOU, not your relationship. That's what you need to work on now. Breaking up isn't going to fix the rest. TBH I think you're using it to distract yourself from the real difficulties.
A counsellor is also going to be in a better position to help you sort of the various pieces. Friends and folks on the internet pretty much always write from the biases of their own experiences.
Hi QueenC, just reading the posts,, think MissTeach, is giving you the best advice.
If you put things off because of Xmas and birthdays, there is always going to be something else to wait for. Think you know in your heart where this has to go.. you never know he may feel the same, just hasn't plucked up the courage to say anything.
Worst case scenario he proposes on Xmas day.. what you gonna do then?
Dave120 wrote:
Worst case scenario he proposes on Xmas day.. what you gonna do then?
Haha yes, nightmare!!!! xx
Queen C is your depression being cause by your relationship or are you depressed and its affecting your relationship?
A lot of people suffer from winter depression - it's dark, cold and miserable and many people tend to reflect the weather. I certainly become mildly depressed and anxious in the winter months. And I can honestly say its never had a negative affect on my relationship.
I've never been in the situation you are currently in so my advice isn't based on any bias I may have from my own personal situation. So this I'm sorry rose hip I disagree with you on. However I do agree with rosé hip about getting some counselling, you need to talk to someone about why you get depressed and methods of how to over come it.
Do I think maintaining a relationship while you are trying to find yourself is the best thing in the world...... No. I stick by all my previous posts. And it's not because I desperately want to see two people break up- it's because happiness accounts for alot and it sounds like your just not happy. Your concern isn't about hurting yourself in the break up because you've realised that your not in love with him, your concern is about hurting him. It seems your ready to leave this relationship so why not do what feels right for you.