feeling shy and confused

hi all, completely new to all of this and nervous but i need advice...

So, after 7 years of being together, sex has become as exciting as vanilla ice cream and even though ive tried to make it better, i cant seem to just come as i used to. Ive previously brought him a sexy mrs claus suit complete with stockings and that night was just, well he blew me away but then boom! back to vanilla sex, i know he enjoys feeling me play with myself which i try but he takes over so i revert to thinking of my fantasies to make me come, but i think its me.

im no model and i have more stretchmarks on my stomach than a spaghetti junction so i feel nervous, self concious and embarassed when it comes to sexy time, even though hes seen me completely naked and even had a close up view. Last night i brough 2 babydoll outfits off here and sent him a message to show him and i got a very good reply, but im nervous now about wearing them because i hate the way i look. Is it just me? am i being silly?

I am usually dominant and know what i want, so it usually boils down to me saying what i want and like ive said, im bored of it, so also last night i suggested we have 1 night each, every week to just give eachother our fantasies and although hes agreed, its me. I am still feeling nervous about it, i dont know how to boost my confidence. can anyone offer advice? thankyou

Hello and welcome 🙂

There's a lot going on in your post, but at the heart of it I think you're saying that you've not been finding sex as satisfying recently and you're looking for ways to get that feeling back again. Lots of people go through phases like this so don't think you're alone. We went through a similar thing after our twins were born, and so we (eventually) came here and bought a shit load of toys and lingerie. We've spent a small fortune, but we've had so much fun it's hard to begrudge it. 🙂

It also sounds like you may have a bit of stage-fright. Just relax, and try and have some fun. If things don't go perfect this time you can always have another go later. Hopefully thinking about in that way will take some of the pressure off. 🙂

You didn't say in your post whether you have the same problem when you play by yourself? Is it just sex as a couple that needs spicing up a bit, or have you also lost that feeling in solo play too? I don't know what sort of toys you like but Mrs Chimp has had a lot of fun these past few months trying out all the different styles on offer, and has gained a lot of confidence just by exploring and experimenting with them. It's definitely something to consider if you've not already, and a lot of them are brilliant to use as a couple as well. 🙂

Hope this helps

Honestly lingerie is the best thing ever for when you are self conscious about how you look, I feel you where the stretch marks are concerned after having two kids and being the size of a whale both pregnancies I’m left with a ton of stretch marks which I do get very self conscious about, I have found lingerie just takes all of that away because you can cover that in a sexy way and a lot of lingerie from here makes me feel a million dollars and actually gives me more confidence than I’ve ever had even more than my pre child body! As for trying to spice things up a little bit you said your usually the dominant one so you could always just grab the bull by the horns so to speak and just sit your partner down and just say look, things haven’t been great recently nothing personal but I want to spice things up, what kind of things would you be interested in trying or do you have any fantasies that we can try and vice versa..

I lost my libido for a while just because sex was so boring, it’s only since coming here and first of exploring what I like through solo play, then I introduced my OH to it and now sex is just brilliant my libido is so high and I actually love my sex life now. It’s all about finding what works best for you and as a couple.

Only you know what stuff you would like and what would really do it for you and your SO, but there is so many ways to make this happen on here I’m sure just exploring will help loads! Like I say, try out the lingerie it’s honestly been a life saver for me! Tons of confidence I remember the first time I purchased some nice lingerie I really didn’t want to take it off! I felt amazing in it 😋

I agree with the lingerie plan too. I can't remember the last time my hubby saw me naked! Hope it's ok to say this but a few drinks help too! Most importantly, your OH thinks you're great just as you are. We're too harsh on ourselves, always picking out our faults and comparing ourselves to images in the media. Your OH will just be pleased he's getting some. You're not being silly at all, it's an issue lots of us have. Also, if it's any help, I think about my fantasies to make me come too, I assumed it was standard practice. Perhaps try not to focus on coming too much and just enjoy the journey. These are my pearls of wisdom from someone who's been through the same thing. In the end it was starting belly dancing that made me realise my saggy old body is good enough as it is. Good luck x

Its odd because solo play offers so satisfaction unless i know my oh is watching and enjoying but from a distance, i sat down last night and explained i was unhappy with our sex life and i showed him pictures of what lingerie i had brought and after a long discussion we decided that for 1 night a week i would help with a fantasy of his and again for 1 night he would do mine. It was very embarrassing on his part because he doesn’t usually talk so openly about sex but i explained i loved him and if needed we could text so thats how the conversation carried on. Oddly enough, as he described his fantasy, i became very turned on and well, we had a good night.

This morning my lingerie came and i decided to go to the bathroom and try it all just to get any embarrassment away and all i felt was wow! Being a mum and partner wasn’t important at that moment, i became me, i felt like a million dollars and i am just so glad i took the plunge. I have one item that’s supposed to show my stomach and i thought i would hate it but it has the opposite effect. I will certainly take all your advice and experiences and keep the conversation with the oh going as i need him to understand im bored of being dominant all the time and he needs to take control at least some times. Thanks everyone

Great news - so pleased it's working out for you.

I know this is an old post but i have to admit i hate these kind.

Before everyone jumps on me let me explain. When i say i hate them, its because no-one should feel how the OP does just because she hasn't got the film/model body that women are always potrayed as having.

The fact that she even talks about her stretch marks etc is such a shame. Shybigmumma, although i dont personally know you, i would guess you are a wonderful human being. I get that you didnt have much confidence when you wrote this post back in August and i certainly hope thats improved since.

We are all living, breathing beings, none of us perfect and none of us any better or worse than the next (apart from those committing crimes etc) and we all have the right to feel loved, to feel sexy, and to enjoy our lives. What we shouldnt need to do is write about all the negative things about us.

Good luck to anyone on here whatever your sex, size etc. Remember that as far as you are concerned, no-one is better than you are. Enjoy your life as much as possible.

I will now put my soap box away!

I understand what you’re saying the real me grey but those are very real feelings. Feelings I myself are going through right now, admittedly not to the same degree but I do always think to myself that my body is not perfect (it’s carried three babies, it’s never going to be perfect!), that my boobs could be more pert/fuller, that my tummy is full of stretch marks and I’m carrying a bit more fluff than I’d like to ideally (but no time to go to the gym and sort that bit out!) I wish I didn’t have those thoughts and just oozes confidence but I don’t and I don’t think I ever will. Luckily my husband is patient with me and encourages anything and everything I do. We had been through quite a dry spell post the last baby (1yr old now) and I’m more self conscious than ever!!

Hi Delightful87, your feelings are exactly what i was commenting on. I myself have a partner who isnt the industry standard expected size 10 and i love her to bits. It doesnt matter to me about her size etc which is why i was making the observations.

I understand the feelings are real but i really think its a shame that people have to feel that way.

We are all beautiful in our own way.

The real mr Grey, Hi ya, I too suffer terribly with body confidence, this year has been a real life changer, but 2 weeks ago on social media I was fat shamed. I don't have pictures of myself on my social Media, I uploaded a picture of my 4.5 stone award. Most were congratulating me, one person absolutely bitched me. Now I'm my own worse critic, but this person tore me to shreds, and I have to say it really got to me, I spend my whole weekend beating myself up for not being perfect. Some still believe that there's an industry standard that everyone must fit.

@JustTheTwoOfUs. I hope you removed the ugly hearted person from your social media! I never understand why anyone would be so vile. Massive congratulations on that weight loss by the way! I think most women do have the image of the "perfect body" and see themselves as less than, really sad. I'm about a stone more than I'd like to be and some days I feel like a flump.

Mrs John They thankfully weren't on my social media, it was a friend of a friend that commented. Everyone had there 2 pennies worth on it, but for me the damage was done. It was out there in sight for all to see, she even shared my post do others could see. I didn't respond, as all I would be doing is feeding her, my confidence in tatters and all to make herself look clever.

I don't look at anyone and think there fat or they could loose weight etc, my body shows scars & stretch marks from my babies, it has scars from trauma I've been thro, I'll never be perfect, but 2 tiny humans that I carried are.

Words fail me (doesn't happen often). She sounds like a truely horrible person. In my eyes you are a lot closer to perfect than she is. Don't let the haters slow you down x

Mrs.John wrote:

Words fail me (doesn't happen often). She sounds like a truely horrible person. In my eyes you are a lot closer to perfect than she is. Don't let the haters slow you down x

Couldn’t of put it better myself

Hi 'shybigmumma' and firstly, welcome to the forums! ☺

Everyone is friendly on here and do not judge, which is one of the main reasons I use this forum.

I feel bad for you, as I also have regular phases where I find it so difficult to orgasm - even with solo play.

My problems, I'm pretty sure are related to anxiety, putting pressure on myself and also probably the medication I'm on plays a big part in this.

I so wish I could find a female Viagara that would work for me!! I've tried all sorts and contemplating trying 'Pink Venus' sexual stimulant tablets again (available on Lovehoney).

I have got one or two clitoral stimulators, but it's just not happening for me at the moment (even when I take the time to try to relax my body and mind). 😔

I tell myself not to get worked up about it as this just makes things worse! As Mr Chimp so rightly says, your not alone in this matter!

I try to spice things up with lingerie, toys and bondage (which I do enjoy!!). However, these non-orgasmic phases are just so sexually debilitating.

I do the best I can, with what I've got - this is so important to remember. Luckily I've got such an understanding hubby, who has been supportive through everything.

It sounds like your doing all the right things and slowly, but surely, your confidence will grow with thanks to Lovehoney and the guys on here!!

Keep positive my dear!! Make the most of the things you can do, and be hopeful the rest will come (scuse the pun) when you least expect it! 😊 x

To 'JT2OU',

What you have been subjected to on social media is so awful and disgusting!

You're only trying to be proud of yourself, which others (and myself) appreciate and congratulate you for. ❤

Don't let the bas***d's get you down...

...delete them!!! (Just as Mrs.John says!)

It makes you wonder why this person is so insecure in themselves, that they have to bully others to feel better. You always get one, always.

They need to grow up, concentrate on their own issues and get a life!!!

What a sad person.

Best wishes to you though and well done girl!! 😊 😉 x

As someone who also has body confidence issues, I don’t think you’re being silly however I do think you need to trust your partners responses and reactions to you. You said he has given you good responses when you’ve dressed up before and that he’s pleased with the babydolls you’ve chosen, so he obviously loves your body even if you don’t!

I think lingerie can make people feel a thousand times better in their own skin as you can cover the areas you’re most conscious of and show off the features that you like best and if you can get past your initial fears of dressing up, I’m positive that there will be lots of fun nights ahead for both of you! X

JT2OU: A’s Emerald said, whatever that woman said says far more about her and her feelings / insecurities towards her own body than it does relate to you. Our minds love having our worst opinions of ourselves confirmed by others, stupid defective self-defeating brains! Terrible, longstanding bad habits of thought that are soooo hard to change. Chin up darling, you looked proper stunning in your most recent photos, as we all said, but it easier to listen to (and remember) the one negative comment you received about something you are sensitive about.

May I suggest having a look at Twitter? There are loads of women who have quite clearly had children who post all manner of pictures of themselves and receive nothing but praise and, well, drooling admiration. Might not be everyone’s cup of tea but I have found it really helpful to accept my wobbly tummy, stretch marks, boobs heading south etc.

Thank you all, You ve bought a few tears in my eyes today, I’m lying I’m crying like a baby 😂 We’re our own worse critics aren’t we? I loose 2lbs, everyone praises me, but yet to me it should of been more? Can’t win! It’s hard to be kind to yourselves when others love to tear shreds out of others. My hubby loves me unconditionally, from my lightest weight, to my heaviest.

gosig I’d love to post more pics, I look at everyone’s and in my head I’m like, who’d want to see pictures of me? So no sooner I put them up, I panic and take them off!

Justthe2ofus2007 wrote:

gosig I’d love to post more pics, I look at everyone’s and in my head I’m like, who’d want to see pictures of me? So no sooner I put them up, I panic and take them off!

This is one of those bad habits! I know it’s hard, but ignore that anxious voice in your head telling you to take the photos down next time. It is the same voice that tells you that you are unattractive even though you have evidence to the contrary. Problem is, that voice has been yapping away at you for so long it feels like it is somewhere between intuition and a very good old friend. You know in your heart of hearts it is neither, just a maladaptive way of ‘protecting’ yourself from further harm by telling you the worst things imaginable about yourself before someone else has the chance to do so.

Post some pictures of you want to do so lovely, I for one would love to see some more.