I wouldn't be surprised if he is interested but wants it all his own way...I echo all the other advice though...if you can't detach the emotions, high tail it out of there!
Sometimes we're refused one thing to be redirected to something better :-)
Personally I think the short and simple answer is you can't.
But I'm not the sort of person that can have sex with someone and not already have a strong emotional connection with them. I see sex as something you do with the person that you are in a relationship with and I certainly would not be able to have sex with someone as a FB and not develop feelings for them. You sound as though you are already feeling like you are or will get upset if things end so I would say to him that its all or nothing and if he doesn't want it all then walk away.
jr78 wrote:
I'm not sure I'm cut out for it.....any advice welcome, thanks 😊 x
To be honest, I think you gave yourself your answer....
I'm all for fuck buddies IF it works for those involved but it isn't for everyone and at different points in a person's life it may be what they need/want or it may be the last thing they need/want. Personally friends with benefits relationships are perfect for me at this point in my life BUT I regularly evaluate my casual relationships to check they are providing me with what I need and are good for me because things can and do change.
A few questions I'd ask myself if I was in your position (things you might want to think about):
1) Why do I want a relationship now? Can I get the things I want from a relationship (at this point in time) from a fuck buddy?
2) How do I fall in love? Do I tend to fall in and out of love easily/do I fall hard and take a long time to recover if things don't work out/is it hard for me to develop strong feelings for someone?
3) Am I hoping to change his mind and get him to want a relationship with me? Is the friends with benefits relationship an attempted stepping stone to a relationship?
4) How do I feel about him seeing other people? What emotions do I feel, where do they come from and are they healthy?
5) Could I enjoy the fuck buddy relationship for what it is but actively continue to date? Would sleeping with him make it harder or easier for me to date? Would putting him in a definite non-boyfriend box help?
6) How would I feel if he called off our fuck buddy relationship to have a romantic relationship with someone else?
Developing feelings for someone doesn't necessarily mean it is a bad idea to continue but it does mean you have an increased risk of getting hurt. Some people decide that risk is worth taking, others decide it's not. There is no right and wrong, only what is right for you.
I started dating a guy and after a few weeks he said he wasn't interested in a relationship - it was actually me who suggested we keep things purely sexual (as he was the best shag of my life!). After a few months I started to develop feelings so I told him - and we decided to stop seeing each other.
24 hours after I called it off, he told me he loved me and he was just terrified of developing feelings. It was the thought of losing me entirely that pushed him to realise he was actually experiencing normal loving feelings! Fast forward 2 years and we're engaged and planning our wedding!
If you don't think you can be this guy's fuck buddy then you need to be kind to yourself and step away. He may come back into your life at some point, and if/when he does, just remind him that you're looking for X and he's offering Y. Circumstances do change and he may want a relationship - but until he shows you that then don't become deluded that 'he'll change' later down the line.
Listen to yourself - I find it helps to talk to myself like I would my best friend. Would you tell your friend to cut and run?
When he said that he is not interested in a relationship exactly what does he mean just a relationship with you or with anyone.If he means with any one then this could be a long term thing not really sure if that is good to bad.Have you spoken about why he is not looking for more than a fuck buddy especially as you seem to be so well suited and sexually compatible.
If he wants to be a fuck buddy and you want a relationship, end it. There isn't really a way you're going to come out of this without getting hurt.
I met a girl years ago (Yes, I'm a man. Finally a man's point of view) and we started sleeping together quite quickly. However, like your situation, she said she just wanted to be fuck buddies when I was hoping it would be a relationship. I never really considered the fact that she would be sleeping with other people, but I went along with it for a few weeks hoping that it would turn into something a bit more serious. Eventually I asked her out properly. Told her I didn't want to be fuck buddies, I wanted to be in a relationship. She said she'd think about it.
Next day, she informs me via text that she's now in a serious relationship with someone else.
You HAVE to remember he is NOT your boyfriend. If imagining him doing the scenario above hurts, then this relationship isn't for you. If the thought of him sleeping with other people hurts, then it isn't for you. If something bad happens to you and your instinct will be to ring him and cry on his shoulder, then this is not for you. He isn't your boyfriend no matter how much he seems to be doing boyfriendesque actions and if you treat him like one you're going to get hurt.
I would also like to point out that men aren't the only ones that want to be fuck buddies as evidenced here ^^^. The amount of generalisation about men in this thread is quite offensive.
Secretty wrote:
If he wants to be a fuck buddy and you want a relationship, end it. There isn't really a way you're going to come out of this without getting hurt.
I met a girl years ago (Yes, I'm a man. Finally a man's point of view) and we started sleeping together quite quickly. However, like your situation, she said she just wanted to be fuck buddies when I was hoping it would be a relationship. I never really considered the fact that she would be sleeping with other people, but I went along with it for a few weeks hoping that it would turn into something a bit more serious. Eventually I asked her out properly. Told her I didn't want to be fuck buddies, I wanted to be in a relationship. She said she'd think about it.
Next day, she informs me via text that she's now in a serious relationship with someone else.
You HAVE to remember he is NOT your boyfriend. If imagining him doing the scenario above hurts, then this relationship isn't for you. If the thought of him sleeping with other people hurts, then it isn't for you. If something bad happens to you and your instinct will be to ring him and cry on his shoulder, then this is not for you. He isn't your boyfriend no matter how much he seems to be doing boyfriendesque actions and if you treat him like one you're going to get hurt.
I would also like to point out that men aren't the only ones that want to be fuck buddies as evidenced here ^^^. The amount of generalisation about men in this thread is quite offensive.
+1That is great advice . Fbs arn't for everyone . I couldn't make love to a woman who I don't love. I have tried it once with an older woman and it was an epic fail on my part.
Thanks to everyone for their advice, after reading everyone's replies I decided to end it, I rang him last night & explained how I felt & why I couldn't keep doing it, he said he understood & asked what my main objection was, I said the idea of him having more than 1 fb when I knew for a fact that's all I would need was a big part of it but also my feelings getting out of control & then being hurt. He explained the reason he didn't want a relationship was his last relationship ended badly & he didn't think he'd come through another break up like that.....and that he was scared because I have the potential to do that to him because of the connection we have......I couldn't really say much to that, I told him I needed to cut contact with him & he reluctantly agreed, I deleted everything, Facebook, phone number, whatsapp, the lot & went to bed miserable......woke up today & he's rang and asked if I want to go away this weekend as friends!! Said he'll get me a separate room if I want & see how things go?? Now is it just me or is he the king of mixed signals? I said I'd get back to him later because I was in work but really I need to ask my new friends (you lot lol!) What you think, I'm really confused! X
How do I reply to each of you individuall? X
Why is he so sure a relationship with you is going to end badly,if you are as well suited as you say the relationship may never end and you might just be each others 'the one'.Seems like he is very confused about what he really does want if he is now considering going away together even if it is seperate rooms,think maybe more talking is required maybe even on neutral ground.
No need . Thats is what we are all here for to help each other and offer advice based on our own experiences.
Onlyones wrote:
Why is he so sure a relationship with you is going to end badly,if you are as well suited as you say the relationship may never end and you might just be each others 'the one'.Seems like he is very confused about what he really does want if he is now considering going away together even if it is seperate rooms,think maybe more talking is required maybe even on neutral ground.
+1 I agree . You perhaps need to talk to him to find out what he really wants. If he is scared of being hurt then say so are you. Then offer to take it real slow like a proper first date ( no sex ) and chat and develop things socially but only do this if the feelings mutual. When I mean no sex I mean jumping into bed , it doesn't stop other things l.like cuddling and kissing .
I am perhaps a bit old fashioned but I don't even consider sex unti lafter the second date .
I asked him about the separate rooms & said why would you want that? He said so you know I'm not just taking you away for sex....I said is that not the whole point in a Fuck buddy which is what you're telling me you want? X
Mysteron, we've been dating for a while now & didn't have sex for the 1st few weeks, then he told me a couple of days ago he just wanted a fuck buddy which threw me off because he'd been all romantic & we'd been having a great time & acting like a couple in every way..... the more he tells me the more I'm inclined to think that he's absolutely terrified of getting into a relationship & maybe we need to either cut ties completely or just be friends & see how things develop from that....if we're not having sex I can keep my feelings under control....the problem is he's absolutely amazing in bed & he blows my mind lol! X
If he is not taking you away simply for sex then maybe he is curious about how things might develop but just scared,talk more and explain how you feel about being hurt aswell.
He's coming to see me tonight so think we need another honest conversation,when I think back to last night he was pretty quiet & didnt say much (probably in shock at me pouring my heart out lol!) So tonight I'm gonna sit & be very quiet, he must care or why bother? I told him last night that we'd both walk away, no hard feelings & no regrets & he's chose to ring me today & start it off again so think there's a lot more to it than I know x
jr78 wrote:
Mysteron, we've been dating for a while now & didn't have sex for the 1st few weeks, then he told me a couple of days ago he just wanted a fuck buddy which threw me off because he'd been all romantic & we'd been having a great time & acting like a couple in every way..... the more he tells me the more I'm inclined to think that he's absolutely terrified of getting into a relationship & maybe we need to either cut ties completely or just be friends & see how things develop from that....if we're not having sex I can keep my feelings under control....the problem is he's absolutely amazing in bed & he blows my mind lol! X
I think you can call all the shots here expecially knowing that without sex you are able to keep a lid on everything . I think it is your call if being honest.
Sure he doesn't want to get hurt and neither do you. Thats why another chat/night out wthout sex is going to help and then you can decide to end it and remain friends or take the relationship foward. Your biggest problem is going to be trust here and I am afraid that trust is earned over time . You will need some reassurances from him that if you are both to take the relationship forward then its you he sees and nobody else and this is the trust bit I was referring to . If you take the relationship forward can you trust this guy to see you and you only? That's the question only you can answer .If there is any doubt I would end it amicably and move on .
Had another thought.How about going away and having the separate rooms but also having a no sex rule just spend the time getting to know each other more after all he already knows what he will be missing in bed,it might also be the perfect time and place to talk about how you have been hurt in the past and what frightens both of you about relationships.
Look forward to hearing how it goes.
Mysteron, he's never given me any reason to think he would be seeing other women before the fuck buddy comment, I was happily plodding along thinking this is great & it never even entered my head until that point. If we're not on a date or at each other's house's we're on the phone or messaging from the minute we both finish work till sometimes 2 or 3 in the morning so I really don't know when he would get the chance lol! I asked him how many fuck buddies he's had/has right now.....he said " only you, I've never done this before" whether that's true or not I don't know but he knows me & he knows I'm not the type of person to blow up & go crazy so I don't know why he'd lie, he's 11 years older than me & doesn't seem like a player, he just seems completely confused as to what he exactly wants, he wants to romance me, take me away, meet his friends, go out for meals,have cozy nights in but then doesn't want the relationship title...which I don't mind if it bothers him that much but then also I need some reassurance that he's not constantly on tinder or whatever looking for something better. I think that's what it boils down to for me....the idea that I'm not enough & he needs my permission for more f/buddies if he decides he wants them.....it ain't gonna happen lol! X