Getting him to explore a few new things


I'm seeking some advice/pointers for buying my/our first toy and how to approach the subject with my partner.

A little about us: My partner and I have been together for 5 years and are both 25. I was his first, and to put it bluntly he was quite a few after my first. At the beginning our sex life was fun and healthy, as expected with any young new couple. As the years have gone on our usual 5 times in one night has dwindled down to once/twice a month due to hectic work schedules. When we are intimate there are no problems apart from it's a little vanilla and I usually have to finish my self off whilst he cleans up. This is equally both of our fault. It is rare he likes to partake in any foreplay, and for me I suffer from depression so my appetite in the bedroom is not always there.

My issue now: I have tried talking about spicing things up a little and he is aware I'm a little more adventurous than him but the subject of toys is always a no. We spoke very briefly again about this yesterday and he laughed it off and said I can get what ever I want but he doesn't want to be involved with it. At first I thought it was because he was scared a would get something quite large and use it on him but it's come apprant now he feels like I don't think he can do the job. I have reassured him but he isn't a great talker at the best of times.

My plan: I have always fantasied about having a rabbit used on me whilst I give him a blow job. Yesterday he breifly mentioned that he liked playing with me bent over him and sucking him. I thought this would be the percent time to mention the idea again but alas no was the answer. I plan on buying one for solo time anyway but has anyone just surprised their man during sex with a toy after they've said no?


How about trying the 69 position to start off with

A question I want to ask is what are his objections to foreplay?

Foreplay is a very important part and as you get older it becomes more and more important. It can also take many forms from heavy petting, oral sex ,sensual spanking,stimulation (69 position)  sensual massage teasing and even using toys etc. .Its all about getting both the bodies ready for intercourse .

Thats why I am interesting in trying to overcome his objectons to foreplay as that could be the crux of your problem .

We do do the 69 position but it's rare as he gets too distracted and then I just get uncomfortable. This is why I think a toy will help with this as if he does get distracted I can still get enjoyment from this

it is entirely what sort of mood he is in as in everyday life he is a bit of a germ phobia and does not like getting his hands dirty so if I'm too wet I can feel that he is not wanting to touch but then on other days he seems to love it and want me to be more wet. It is very 50/50 depending how he is as some days he wants to try and make me squirt and then other days he will go straight to sex.

I think partly it could be down to sometimes it will take me a good 40 minutes to get ready and by then he just wants sex. He is aware he can be selfish in bed but it has always been this way.

Oral sex for me receiving is very rare and 69 is very rare too he usually gets too distracted for me to gain anything from it, I love to be spanked and he is being more adventurous so he will occasionally give me a light slap. Massaging is a definite no as many men I have been with hate giving massages!

It sounds like to me he isnt giving you enough respect and just wants to do the final act on his terms . You have use the word "selfish " and I totally agree I think he is .

What patricular disturbs me is your ages . If you hadnt mentioned your ages of 25 , then I would anticpate your ages being of 45+ with possibly kids in the background, with a problem like this . You should still be at it like rabbits as you both are in your sexual prime .

I don't buy this germ phobia thing either . He should litterly want to eat you and lick you all over . He should be worshipping you .I think he needs lessons on how to treat a lady .

If I was you I would put sex completely on the back burner and start making time for each other on things like date nights. Its normally something I would recommend for a couple in their 40s who want to reignite that spark . However I think this is ls what is needed here . He needs to learn how to love you again as you first did when you first stated dating . Going out for meals perhaps weekends away . Dress to impress each other and perhaps if you dont already think about wearing sexy lingerie underneath your outfits. Pehaps tease him a little whilst your out. You could play footsie under the table for example . IMO thats what you need to do is to reignite that spark again and get the romance going.

In the meantime go ahead with your Rabbit plans . Perhaps you could use this solo for now until he changes his ways .

Perhaps I sould a little harsh on him but the alarm bells are ringing based on what you have posted and I think you need to nip this in the bud now.

When things have settled down a little you could always try a body wand as these are great for both genders .

If your partner really is a germaphobe that is something that can be treated to help him try and overcome his fears and at only 25 surely he does not want to be that way for the rest of his life if he does not have to.

If he is aware he is selfish in bed and is only interested in himself do as Mysteron Suggested and make sex a no go or tell him he gets his when you have had yours.

Lex, mysteron, as usual, has provided some solid advice. Don't rush in to toys to spice things up, I've made that mistake. You need to take a few steps back before moving forward. Can I recommend a Relate e-book "sex in loving relationships". It has good practical advice to help get the intimacy back in to your relationship. Don't make the mistake me and my wife made and let work, children and life in general get in the way of maintaining your intimacy. We are now in our early 50's and starting to, successfully I hope, rekindle things. Good luck.

Lex, I just re-read your posts. If he has given you permission to use a vibrator on your own then I agree with mysteron, go ahead and buy it. My OH rarely masturbated, but we discussed and agreed that she should explore herself more so she could bring this to our intimacy, after all if she doesn't know how her body truly works then how can she guide me. She has initially found a bullet vibe to be perfect, not threatening or intimidating, I wonder if your OH may be more accepting of a bullet vibe ? We placed it in our on-suite shower as this would be best for her quiet time, we have older teenage daughters. I do note that it moves position on the shelf and she sometimes comes downstairs with a knowing look saying how relaxing her shower was. We still haven't used a vibe together yet, but I can say from a male perspective that I find it arousing thinking that she does use it and I wish she would ask me to use it on her; I should pluck up courage to ask her now as she has had it a number of months. Anyway my point is that if you are subtly obvious in using a vibrator I suspect he may become intrigued rather than jealous, and eventually you may be able to introduce it. Best to broach this once it's obvious he is intrigued, but ahead of any intimacy, build the tension and anticipation first.

I have picked up on your ages, health and hectic worklife. I would follow what Mysterton has advised and make time for date nights, social activities, cinema nights etc. get to enjoy each others company without the pressure of sex.

I would be purchasing a rabbit, also consider a clitora vibrator, it may help you with learning where you are the most sensitive towards stimulation, how / where you like to be touched; you can then show him, this may help with foreplay / oral by reaching orgasm sooner.

He does sound selfish, but this could be from other pressures, (worklife schedules). He may be distracted by your well-being causing him to doult his performance. The germ issue needs addressing, is this is an excuse to be less intermet?

Good luck and keep talking to each other,

Sounds like you have the reverse problem to us. My wife loves oral sex and honestly it's my favourite thing too, however she doesn't reciprocate; although she did in the first 5 years of our 36 year relationship. The Relate book may start to help you explore reasons why hygiene and oral sex is an issue: childhood, up bringing, parents etc.... We have tried a few times to discuss this, but my wife struggles to passionately kiss with her tongue, never sucks or licks anything at all, so we have a long journey to find out what changed around 30 years ago...... I hope your issues are less deep seated.

Sorry, I just read this part of your post "has anyone just surprised their man during sex with a toy after they've said no?" And I couldn't ignore it.

To put it bluntly, definitely not. That would be violating him. It would probably make him very uncomfortable and put him in a position where he might feel pressured to continue with what's going on. A backed into a corner yes is not an actual yes. If he doesn't consent to using sex toys, it doesn't matter how fun you might think they are, they're off limits. It's something you can revisit with him in six months and sure, enjoy them on your own, but respect when a no is a no.