Looking for a bit of advice, my OH and I are going through a dry patch, this isn't uncommon for us as I can quite often go a while without feeling the urge...
But this dry patch has now gone on for 3 months, which I know for some is not a long time but usually by a month we tend to get out of it. I usually have to initiate sex otherwise it never happens but at the moment I just never feel up to it but now I'm really conscious of how long it's been.
I'm also now kind of scared to initiate something as I always find sex really painful if it's not on a regular basis...
How do you find the best way of getting out of a dry spell?
Perhaps you need to discover intimacy, through other means. If your not tied with kids then make an effort in going out together. With Valentimes coming up , this could be a good time. Why not book a nice meal out for Valentines day? Perhaps incorporate a trip to the pictures to see the 3rd FSOG film if it due to be released then . That could provide the spark to get you going again.
Start doing more things together as a couple. Perhaps go out for walks hand in hand . Have a snog on the settee ?
Sex I think will take its course later but the key thing is to forget about sex for a while and do more things together .
The combination of a romantic meal, being somewhere new and being away from any worries at home (and the kids) always does the trick for us.
Hi, thanks for replying! Completely agree about being away from the worries at home. Unfortunately at the moment with work a night in a hotel isn't an option at this time. Definitely something I will think about for future though! Thank you :)
Perhaps you need to discover intimacy, through other means. If your not tied with kids then make an effort in going out together. With Valentimes coming up , this could be a good time. Why not book a nice meal out for Valentines day? Perhaps incorporate a trip to the pictures to see the 3rd FSOG film if it due to be released then . That could provide the spark to get you going again.
Start doing more things together as a couple. Perhaps go out for walks hand in hand . Have a snog on the settee ?
Sex I think will take its course later but the key thing is to forget about sex for a while and do more things together .
Perhaps a few things to think about.
Hi Mysteron, thanks for replying. Yes I think you're completely right intimacy is something that is taken a little for granted in our house as of late. A nice meal and trip to the cinema sounds like a good start. Or maybe even just a nice takeaway and watching a meal together on the sofa if we're struggling to find the time for a night out right away. Thank you
We occasionally get into a rut like this, we work long hours and often will only see each other in the wee hours (and then we're up early with kids) For me I find the longer I go without the less I feel like making the effort/putting in the energy but then comes the guilt and pressure worrying about his needs (which is silly because my oh is fab). Personally I focus on getting my self to a point where I really want it. Hot baths, bit of a pamper (which generally means shave and moisturize in this house with so little time) I take time to myself with my toys or an erotic book, just to build my self up really. Generally I'm more relaxed so we have more of a laugh together and reconnect a little before I initiate things.
I know exactly how you feel, it makes the anticipation worse knowing it's been a while. Foxiiuk has worded it perfectly. I find I have to really concertrate on myself when we have dry spells so I can build back up to it. If you find it painful, have you tried using toys in between just to keep the momentum going. X
Using sex toys on yourself between sex will help with the pain, as will lube.
The intimacy issue could be things getting stale. Suggest trying something new!
A little getaway is sometimes helpful to relieve stress which can get in the way a lot of the time.
Another good idea is take sex off the table a while. When you get stuck in a dry spell the only thing you think about is the dry spell. Agree not to have sex for a certain length of time no matter what and you’ll rediscover different ways of being intimate without having to worry about any pressure. Communication is key here.
Also if any of you watch porn, id abstain from that for a while or only watch it together. Does wonders for the sex drive
We occasionally get into a rut like this, we work long hours and often will only see each other in the wee hours (and then we're up early with kids)
For me I find the longer I go without the less I feel like making the effort/putting in the energy but then comes the guilt and pressure worrying about his needs (which is silly because my oh is fab).
Personally I focus on getting my self to a point where I really want it. Hot baths, bit of a pamper (which generally means shave and moisturize in this house with so little time) I take time to myself with my toys or an erotic book, just to build my self up really. Generally I'm more relaxed so we have more of a laugh together and reconnect a little before I initiate things.
Thanks for the reply ! I completely agree on what you mean that the longer you go without the less you feel like putting in the effort but then the guilt sets in, it's a horrible circle.
I have been looking into some erotic fiction to see if that gets me in the mood but without starting anything - we've been trying to spend a bit more time together just watching a film together etc and things seem to be improving. Fingers crossed we get there soon
Unfortunately we have been in a rut for a long time now, intimacy wise.
Sorry to hear this Knight, it's horrible when it happens but I do believe that it happens a lot more often than were led to believe. I hope you manage to get out of it soon - there is some great advice on this thread !
I know exactly how you feel, it makes the anticipation worse knowing it's been a while.
Foxiiuk has worded it perfectly. I find I have to really concertrate on myself when we have dry spells so I can build back up to it. If you find it painful, have you tried using toys in between just to keep the momentum going. X
I'm glad that others feel the same way, the longer it's been the worse it gets and the harder it gets to get out of the rut.
I haven't tried using toys in between as I felt like that would be hypocritical if I didn't want to actually have sex, pretty silly thinking about it and maybe it would take some of the worry of pain away - thank you x
Using sex toys on yourself between sex will help with the pain, as will lube.
The intimacy issue could be things getting stale. Suggest trying something new!
A little getaway is sometimes helpful to relieve stress which can get in the way a lot of the time.
Another good idea is take sex off the table a while. When you get stuck in a dry spell the only thing you think about is the dry spell. Agree not to have sex for a certain length of time no matter what and you’ll rediscover different ways of being intimate without having to worry about any pressure. Communication is key here.
Also if any of you watch porn, id abstain from that for a while or only watch it together. Does wonders for the sex drive
Thank you for the reply :)
Yeah I think I will have to try using toys in between just to get rid of the fear knowing that it's going to be painful because it's been so long - it is a big factor in me putting it off all the longer and yeah I've always had to use lube - it's been a life saver for me!
We've been trying to spend a bit more time together just watching a movie every now and again together etc and it seems to be working - I think we've just got stuck in to our own little routine and not really been thinking about each others needs and desires.
My and my husband were in a similar situatuon and you know what really helped bring things back? Sex dice! Sounds ridiculous but it was a fun game (we didn't have sex at all there was no pressure) we opened wine, music on, took turns to shake the dice - and from it we re explored each other's bodies. We didn't have sex we made that decision before we started. We just touched, kissed, stroked each other according to the dice and we laughed and laughed at how silly it was at the same time! And it completely re connected us and re ignited our whole relationship. A year on we still say its one of the best nights we have ever had
My husband and I are struggling at the moment. We aren't awake enough and don't have much time. We have the odd quickie here and there but we used to have very kinky sex a lot and it's not happening at the moment. So we take what we can get!!
My and my husband were in a similar situatuon and you know what really helped bring things back? Sex dice! Sounds ridiculous but it was a fun game (we didn't have sex at all there was no pressure) we opened wine, music on, took turns to shake the dice - and from it we re explored each other's bodies. We didn't have sex we made that decision before we started. We just touched, kissed, stroked each other according to the dice and we laughed and laughed at how silly it was at the same time! And it completely re connected us and re ignited our whole relationship. A year on we still say its one of the best nights we have ever had
Hey Lozz,
So I've always laughed at the idea of the likes of sex dice but after reading this reply I've went and ordered some - the worst they can do is give us a good laugh but who knows it might help us reconnect and yeah I like the idea of saying sex is off from the start, no pressure.
My husband and I are struggling at the moment. We aren't awake enough and don't have much time. We have the odd quickie here and there but we used to have very kinky sex a lot and it's not happening at the moment. So we take what we can get!!
Hey, yeah it can be really difficult when life gets in the way.
I hope you guys manage to find some more time to spend together !
So glad you ordered some we both work full time have a young boy and sometimes you forget to make time for yourselves? We got a babysitter had a meal then got out the sex dice and honestly to start with we were both like what are we doing?? But then we laughed.and had so much fun and 12 months on they still come out when we want a giggle and they really did help us! I really hope they help you too xxx
If you haven't already It might be worth getting referred to a gynacologist because sex shouldn't be painful. I say this from experience. After I had my 2nd daughter it was always painful so we only did it occasionally. By the time my daughter was 3 having seen several female GP's who quite honestly fobbed me off I saw a male GP and told him. He said thats ridiculous you can't be putting up with that and he referred me to a gynacologist. I saw the registrar and he couldn't figure out why and got the consultant to come in. That consultant was with me 1 minute before he figured out I hadn't healed right after childbirth even though the top layer looked fine. He operated a few months later and since about 12 weeks after surgery its been great even when we've been months at a time without having it. That was 7 years ago. It might be something completely different there are some pretty simple reasons that can make sex painful.
I agree about taking the pressure off and not worry too much about the sex now. I'd Concentrate on the romance and doing nice things for and with each other.