It’s not a pity post.
I’m just a bit stuck. My relationship has ended and it wasn’t my choice. My partner admitted he couldn’t see a future together and no longer wanted to live together. I was / am massively codependent and I think I’m struggling particularly because it was a Dom/sub relationship and I have lost not just my love but also a bit of my identity. What helps people move on? I miss him a great deal but it was very unhealthy and the only ‘going back’ is to hook up (I found that out the hard way) which just means more heartbreak. I just don’t know what to do with myself when I want to be close to him. I remind myself that I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me and that stops me texting and calling but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.
It’s not a pity post.
@Urchin relationship breakups are never easy - I’ve had a fair few in my time. But the essential thing to do is step back, distance yourself and take some time to assess and plan your life without them.
Don’t be tempted to go running back. Breakdowns seldom happen for no reason or on a whim.
Keep yourself distracted and occupied with other things and don’t dwell on the past. Time is a great healer and you don’t know what the future holds. Try and look for positive opportunities rather than focus on what’s gone. It may take a while but you’ll get there.
So sorry, this sounds a very sad and difficult time for you. I have no amazing advice and can’t say I’ve been through this situation myself. My feeling (easier said than done) is to try to come to accept it and change a few things in your life (a new hobby for instance) and get used to being you for who you are, not as part of a relationship, it’ll seem scary and lonely but it doesn’t have to be if you’re able to surround yourself with friends (appreciate the pandemic doesn’t help)
Sorry, not sure this has been much use. Take care, I’m sure others will be able to advise better!
Time helps you move on.
But time takes - time. Fill it with friends and hobbies and interests and family - whatever.
You will in time become the person you need to be to get through this, however hard it seems now. You will get there and you might look back with some fondness, some regret, but you will be in a new place because you will have grown into it.
Seriously. Not easy, and it sounds like a cliché, but let time do its work.
And, good luck. I know what that miserable place feels like. You will be happy again.
A rather generic response but it helps me is to find something else to fill your time up as a distraction.
Different activities might be available to you, I completed more work and re-kindled an old hobby, also found another friendship group which helped (as well as the old one). Life is changing, so take control of the change where you can.
Overall it will take time, you mention hooking up, so I would assume you’re still in contact, I’d suggest going cold turkey for a while if you can. If there’s things in the house you need see if a friend can be a middle man for a few weeks.
Sadly there is no right or wrong way to deal with a breakup as it’s all a state of thinking. Many forget or fail to see that when a relationship ends it is a real trauma to the mind and we have to learn to readjust again with a piece missing from our life so that is gonna take time, for some it’s easier and others it can take much longer but inevitably you will heal from this.
Some good tactics I know of that have worked well for others is to try not talk about them as that keeps him fresh in your mind and it will only make things harder to move on… another idea is to try focusing on something else like a new project, work, hobby, anything positive that you can put all this energy you have to good use.
Hi urchin it’s a situation that many people will have been in including myself, as others have suggested try not to do things that remind you of your ex, including walking in the places you both found special, do not blame yourself either as you stated you do not want to be with someone whom does not want you . You are worth more and you have your own self esteem to keep yourself going it does get better day by day but you have to remain strong . You got this good luck
Hi @Urchin, sorry you’re going through a rough time. It sounds like you are doing the right things - avoiding the “hook-up” option and not texting and calling.
There’s not much I can add to what everyone else has said. Just look after yourself. Don’t put any pressure on yourself to do anything in particular, just take it one step at a time and surround yourself with people who care about you and things you enjoy. If you are in the UK and now living alone try to form a bubble with friends or family for a bit of support. It will take time but you will get through this x
So sorry to hear this. It might not feel like it but time will help day by day. It obviously doesn’t help with Covid so you can’t go out and forget about things easily. My first proper relationship I turned to drink not good I promised myself I will never do that again. then my second break up that was worse because I was suffering while still living with her many days/weeks/months of crying so when eventually I left it was kind of a relief fresh air.
Talking on here helped me get through things.
yeah touchy subject but I was with this woman for years lil over 10 … even moved away from the city to buy a house to be closer to her and then this motorcycle accident happened i had compound fractures massive internial bleeding, coma for about 4 months and massive head injuries ABI and now in wheelchair SUCKS BUT oh well She kind of backed off from me then…and yeah i think of her often and miss her BUT F DAT DUDE just goes to show how when shit hits the fan how solid someone will be when changes like this happens but hey the best way to get over a woman is to get on top of one lol …NAAA im just waiting to be my best and do my best and when the right one who doesnt mind the wheelchair,comes.We will take it from there btw this accident happened 3 yrs ago
I am the same! We had a dog too (was hers) so feels like I’ve lost two things for the price of one.
I’m trying to keep myself busy and go for walks. Do things around the house. Luckily I still go to work every day in NHS so I’m still seeing people. I veryines told me it will take time so give yourself time I guess! That’s what I’m trying to do
Hey @Urchin! Sorry to hear that, break ups can be really rubbish can’t they.
I think that although distractions can be helpful and are needed, it’s also equally as important to let yourself feel the different emotions too. A break up is a form of grief really, and with grief we go through different stages, ending with acceptance. I have found it helpful in the past to think of it in this way as it almost gave me permission to feel the way I was feeling but knowing I needed to go through that to get to the acceptance stage. It’s obviously important as well not to let the feelings completely take over, but I think balance is important.
You mentioned about being co-dependent and so I actually think it’s a really good time for you to explore what being by yourself means and remember how amazing “just you” really is, and all the things you can achieve independently. Different aspects of our needs are met through different relationships - I think that often its not actually the person that we miss during a break up but we miss having a specific need met. If you’re able to recognise which needs these are then you can think about alternatives. For example, if you’re missing the predictability/structure, then can you create a new routine that gives you this?
I wouldn’t recommend going back for just sex, as it sounds like it’s unlikely to give you what you want, but I’ve definitely done it before too and think a lot of people have, so try not to be hard on yourself.
Be kind to yourself - you got this
Sorry a bit late to the topic, but anyway.
I think you are perhaps mistaking emotional dependency for co-dependency.
Emotional dependency is when you feel your you can’t live without your partner, that without them you will never find happiness, you fear being alone, and being rejected. Being alone at times, and getting rejected is all part of life, I know it’s hard to loose a love, but see this as your time for a personal life reset. And come out stronger on the other side, without loosing yourself.
Co-dependency is obsessively making yourself responsible for other peoples feelings, not wanting them to take responsibility for their own life, enabling their addiction, wanting to solve all their issues at your own expense, needing to fix people, offering unsolicited advice, finding yourself, in controlling another persons life, instead of making your ow life.
I think you are young and struggling with losing a love. Think about taking your self in hand and exploring who you are as a woman. It’s fine to be in a dom/sub relation ship, but I don’t think you realise that a true dom/sub relationship is about the dome providing for the subs needs in a consenting way. In such a relationship whether just in the bedroom or whole life the sub is actually the one in complete control.
Do you think you just feel the need to be taken care of, and are struggling to be an independent woman, ( assumption made here)
I understand that you feel that you have lost apart of yourself, but trust me you have not, you have just over invested in one person. You can be a strong independent woman and still take a sub role in a relationship. Don’t mistake having feelings of needing to be submissive, to that of being weak.
It’s ok to want a partner to pick dates, and take care of you, and to be able to let go in the bedroom and swoon in his / her arms etc. You still need to set your boundaries, and take control and responsibility of this side of your personality, or you will end up with someone who really is co-dependent and wants to take over you life, and your emotions.
Some men think that getting into a dom role means that they are going to do what ever they want in that relationship; please try to recognise this and get out as soon as you feel it’s happening. like I said the sub should be the one with the most power, as they should set and control their boundaries.
Your BF may have felt that you were being to needy and laking confidence and independence. For the future try to learn to take responsibility for your needs, be independent. Your SO should add extra meaning to your life, enrich it, and not be the sole reason for you being you. You can still find that submissive role in another relationship, but be in control of it, not needing to give yourself up to it. It will feel much better to be able to feel both independent, in control, and also to be able to let go and go along for the ride, without compromising either side of your personality.
In summary take some time to find the independent you, the confident you, rather than feeling scared to to be that way, because you feel that you are going to loose the part of you which loves that some what out of control heady sensation of indulging your submissive nature. Trust me it will not go out of your reach for becoming confident and independent, in fact it should get better. You will be sexier to a prospective partner too, confidence is an aphrodisiac to men too. You can keep a toe in both worlds, that’s the best way to be in fact.
Take care be a strong confident person. The rest will fall into place.
I am so sorry, I truly feel your pain!! breakups are never easily and I particular am not the sort of person that deals with breakups easily. Although… what I have found that helped me massively was surrounding myself with all sorts of different people whether this is just a one night stand, casual hookups, fwb, or even going on a date with someone. I have found that the only way I can mentally and emotionally get over a break-up is to REALLY move on, even if I am not mentally ready yet.
Obviously this doesn’t work for everything but just thought I would mention it as I have really been in the dumps after a breakup and this was the only thing that got be out of the slumps.
Hi @Urchin I’m really sorry that you’re going through this.
Break ups and the heartache that follows are tough.
Give yourself time lots of time. Its a process. Keep reminding yourself that it wasn’t healthy for you and you are worth more than just a hook up.
I mean a hook up is fine under the right circumstances but it won’t work when there are feelings involved. It just prolongs the pain and continues the co dependency.
I believe we are all headed where we are meant to be. We go through things in life and they teach us about ourselves, what we want and how we allow others to treat us, what we are willing to put up with.
You will learn something from this break up that you need for later on.
Honestly just be kind to yourself, respectful of yourself and take some time to love yourself. Try not to depend heavily on your next partner, have your own identity, circle of friends, hobbies and interests so that you are being a full person and not co-depending.
Do what makes you happy, turn the music up dance around the kitchen, have a cry when you need one. Go for a walk to clear your head. Speak to your friends or family. I hope you can come out of this heartache sending you lots of hugs and love
Totally agree @Littleblondechick trying not to depend on your next partner this has what had got me messed up, 18 years with someone it was really basically me and her well that’s what I thought turns out it was a bit different on her side.
Thing is though when you are deeply in love you can get so wrapped up in each other thinking we are going to be with each other forever. now I’m on my own and I really am on my own.
Ugh. My heart goes out to you. Especially when you realize it’s compounded with the fact that it was a Dom/Sub relationship (very bonding), that you’re naturally codependent, and there’s more stress in general due to COVID.
First thing is first, realize that it’s over. It’s not a break or a separation, they have ended it. Though it might seem harsh, this is actually a phenomenal blessing because you don’t have that yo-yo back and forth with together, break up, I want you, I was wrong I don’t. It’s cut and dry. That’s about as good of a breakup as you can get.
With that, don’t let your heart and emotions hang on to things. That picture of you two together by your bed. Needs to go. That stuffed animal he won for you at the fair? also gone.
Seems extreme but if it’s over over, then anything sentimental really needs to go. If it’s an item of monetary decent monetary value (tv, car, PS5), decide if that item reminds you of him or if you can legit use it and not always think of him. If you can, keep it. If not, sell it.
You need to separate yourself mentally and emotionally from him. Not out of anger or malice, but because it’s unhealthy to “hang on” when there is nothing to “hang on” to.
The sooner you let go mentally and emotionally, the happier you’ll be and the sooner you’ll be emotionally available for your next relationship. You don’t want to miss an even better relationship because you’re still hanging on to one that doesn’t exist.
I received this advice after my first real relationship and it sucked. Bad. Like tears at work when nobody was looking bad. But it helped everything pass more quickly.
Now if we’re talking it’s “over” in air quotes, like it’s “over” but not really over, then I recommend working to solidify an official status on your relationship and stick to it. It’s unhealthy for someone to say a relationship is over and not really mean it. Huge sign of instability and can lead to significant issues as that attitude can follow into marriage and it’s exponentially worse when it’s suppose do be “I do forever”
Anyway, that’s my advice. I’m not a trained psychologist but that worked for me. There is no avoiding the pain unforunately. That’s a time thing and nothing else.
Also find ways to occupy your free time. Free time almost always equals “thinking about former SO” time.
All this meant in sincerity. Please no pitchforks.
Sounds like great advice right there, and hope you are finding things a little easier since your original post.
I think it is important to try and remember that pain can help us grow, in this case it may present a chance to build your relationship with yourself. The original post mentions lost a bit of their identity. The way I read it, that that’s the dom/sub aspect?
That identity is not lost, no one can take away that you enjoy dom/sub relationship. It is a type of relationship you can look for elsewhere when you are ready, once the self healing has been done.
You will come out the other side the better for it. There’s already recognition it was an unhealthy relationship for you, so already seeing that there are things you do not want as part of your life.
Keep yourself occupied, treat yourself now and then, remind yourself you deserve to be happy.
I’m not sure I’ve actually said anything of use or that hasn’t been said already, but hope the difficult time passes soon for you - it will pass, it will become easier, and you will be all the better on the other side!