Getting the spark/libido back?

Hi all,

I struggle with libido, probably as a result of various medical stuff, but I’ve also just felt a kind of easing off of sex drive since I first got with my partner. Its been three and a half years now, and in the last few months it feels like we are ships passing in the night with regards to sex - when I want it hes too sleepy or not here, and vice versa.

I know fluctuations in libido are normal but im a worrier, and Im worried im just not as attracted to my partner as I used to be. Don’t get me wrong, I love him so much and he is absolutely my other half, I wouldnt want to spend my life with anyone else. But for me I just don’t get that raging fire or sex drive with him that I used to. The first year was like rabbits, and then in the second year a few times a week, now our average is 1-2 times a week. I get really anxious when it hasnt happened in a while, which then obviously makes it harder because im less likely to be horny if im anxious! It’s difficult to know whether its because my libido in general is lower, or if it is to do with him personally.

I guess I’m looking for some support/solidarity and some advice! This is my first relationship, we have lived together for about 3 years too so we are very close and do talk about sex, libido etc., but obviously not sure whether I want him like I used to isnt something weve talked about yet, I would hate to hurt him when I’m not even sure myself.

Tia!

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Try sex every night for seven nights. Worked wonders for my relationship seemed to bring us closer

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Maybe you could schedule a regular date night in together so it’s planned? Also are on any medication that could be changed?

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Wow! I’m not going to lie that sounds quite intense haha, haven’t done that since year 1. Did you find it difficult to get the energy and drive together to have sex to begin with?

Unfortunately none of my medication can be changed, ive changed them before and these are the last kind so not much to do med wise. We did try to have a date night, but with both of us so busy and having such a tiny house we find it tricky. We have actually scheduled one for this weekend, I do just still get so nervous when I feel like its an obvious situation where sex should occur, so even though he ensures there is 0 pressure, i put the pressure on myself and then physch myself out!

What I find helpful is if I plan a night that involves sex I’ll get myself worked up throughout the day. I’ll masturbate and edge myself and not allow my self to climax so about time bed time comes I’m already horny and more excited for sex.

Also take your time in the bedroom, lots of foreplay and external stimulation can really get you worked up.

Good luck!

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Oohh edging etc. through the day is a good idea thankyou, I hadn’t thought about that. I barely get time to myself, but maybe this is a good excuse! I’m actually way less into foreplay than my partner haha, I just really want the sex to begin no matter how good the foreplay is if that makes sense.

If you can find a set of jiggle balls that work for you, they can be really good for turning you on. Ive got the tracy cox ones, but i hear the lelo ones are also good for this (ones with a hard surface work better in my experience). Make sure the hard plastic is facing forward (so its against the g spot). they’re really good for having in when exercising too.

Edging is also a great suggestion. But most of try to relax and enjoy the experience. I had reduced libido for along time due to meds, so i know how much it sucks. For me, lots of foreplay was really important to get me there. Don’t feel like you need to rush to the finish line, maybe try taking it slow and sensual. If you get stressed you could always try starting with some erotic massage to help you relax.

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Through family circumstances our sex sessions are pretty tightly scheduled so we made a point of using every available opportunity to the full with no excuses accepted.
This has transformed our sex lives as there is no uncertainty about who does or doesn’t feel like it at any time. We both know it’s going to happen and we make sure we gave a great time.
Could you do something similarly?

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Hey Tia,

Myself and my wife have gone through something similar…although 1-2 times a week is still pretty good going compared to a lot of our fiends!

We’ve struggled with tiredness (we have two young kids), being apart and jetlagged (my wife flies and is away for a week at a time) and it definately started to get me down.

As is often the ‘start’ you probably just need a frank and honest chat with your partner - it’s easy and very common to have changes in libido - but if the intimacy is important to both of you you should be able to get it back on track…but you both need to put the effort in.

Date nights or as @rockstar mentioned a pact to ‘fit it in whenever possible’ will help rekindle through flame…you’ll both realise what you’ve been missing!

I hope you manage to sort it out…my wife still struggles and is very rarely ‘horny’ at the right time for our busy lives - but definitely just giving it a go with some gentle cuddles and foreplay often kickstarts her libido when mentally she hasn’t been thinking about it at all.

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I also agree the jiggle balls could be a good idea. And also that ones with a plastic surface are best - in my experience the silicone ones seem to dampen the sensation/be less intense.

You could also try a remote control vibrator around the house or out to dinner or something like that. When my partner has me wear a vibrator and controls it while we’re at the mall it drives me crazy. When he turns it up high then off completely, and I have to act like nothing’s happening. I’m always really excited by the time we get home.

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I’ve not had sex with my Mrs in 5 years! Used to do it all the time, pretty much everyday! She just ain’t interested! She does say she loves me more than anything but it’s hard to believe when she won’t come near me in that way! To be honest, and it’s hard to say, it’s probably made me not love her the same anymore! If at all really, and that’s sad! I know a relationship isn’t all about sex but it is a massive part and I’m not prepared to give it up till my last days! Why should I? :pensive:

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Not to be rude but marrying someone and loving them shouldn’t just be what’s between someone’s legs. If you only love someone when you get laid then I see that has a problem.

If my partner told me I love you less because you’re not giving into my needs when I want I’d be majority peed off.

I think it would be a good idea to try adding some excitement back into the bedroom - to see if it positively impacts the relationship.

< Do you have any fantasies that you would like to explore, or does he?
< Do you enjoy sexting during the day to create a build up of sexual tension by the evening, or send each other saucy pics?
< Is he satisfying your needs when you do have sex?
< Have you tried something new like role-playing?
< Does he do sweet or romantic things and how does he feel about the frequency of sex?

I always find that the more I have sex, the more I want it. So sometimes, when I haven’t had it for a while - I could take it or leave it.

So how do you know if your lack of sex drive is due to your own reasons, or him?
I don’t know the answer to that - but the more you explore with him sexually, then over time you will find out.
If there’s things you think he could do to help you get in the mood, have you discussed them and does he try?

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As I said I know a relationship isn’t just about sex! But to suddenly one day just not give me any physical contact of any kind then I’m sorry but that doesn’t make me feel good at all! It’s gotten me down like you wouldn’t believe In these last couple of years and I get nothing from her in why she won’t touch me! I’ve thought all kinds! Constantly think she’s cheating! She actually accuses me of cheating, saying she’s knows I’m meeting other people to get my end away! That’s some kind of madness to me! To not have sexual contact with me then accuse me of seeking it elsewhere? :man_shrugging:t3: Maybe If you where in the same situation you’d understand how it feels for me! Maybe you wouldn’t I don’t know!

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I’ve tried all of what you’ve mentioned! Nothing has changed a thing! She’s just accused me of being a sex pest and always turned it into argument! She says I’m only ever after one thing! It couldn’t be further from the truth!

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It must feel terrible that you can’t even have a discussion with her to try and make things right.
How is your relationship apart from the sex.
Is she loving, is she happy?

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Honestly I’ve tried discussing it many of time! Relationship is none existent! She barely talks to me to be fair! I work a lot now, and I mean a lot snd on little sleep as I just can’t switch off! She thinks I work to not be near her! Which isn’t the case, I work because things ended up like this and she doesn’t even speak to me when I’m here! I get more conversation from her via txt when I’m at work! I used to work away a lot, Monday-Friday and she asked me to stop so we could be together more! Which I did then things just went downhill from there :pensive:

Bless you! I’ve been in the same boat and it really caused issues. My libido just went and like you I love my husband so so so much and I worried that I just wasn’t attracted to him although we were having sex still about once a week. I found though it was just the same all the time. Both of our faults. I wasn’t very interested and although hubby is very giving… he always goes down on me and makes sure I orgasm… I just found I knew exactly what was going to happen next.
Something had to change! We introduced BDSM into the relationship which is something I have always been into but him, not so much, but he said he would give it a go and he loves it. Hey presto… that sorted out the first issue of adding variety.
Libido was the next issue. Honestly, it’s not back fully but I know he can get me going through foreplay so I now make the effort more regularly and I find edging is great to if I know we will be having sex.
We’re making an effort to connect more outside of the bedroom. So more talking, more cuddling and kissing etc. Weve been together 16 years and both work full time, have 2 children… 1 of which having special needs and life just gets in the way and although it would be great to still shag like we first met its not reality.
Anyway that’s my advice of sorts of what worked for us. Wishing you luck in your journey xxx

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My libido went after kids for a few years (kids, mini pill, birth scars etc). For us, things started getting better just doing intimate non sexual things, like holding hands, cwtching on the sofa, long cwtches, and then inevitably that led to playing and sex, and then the more sex we have the more we want it!

Definitely a date night when things open up, and focus on non sexual physical contact to spur you on? (Also, 1-2 times a week is far better than my handful of times a year when my libido went!)

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