This was my suspicion too.SmokingHotLove wrote:
NatandTom wrote:
Give her time to cool down. She might have jumped to the annoyingly common conclusion that being interested in anal makes you interested in men. *sigh*
If she isn't willing to listen to you and wants to end a relationship over a butt plug (that I assume is for your use only and you didn't push her to try it?) then that's her loss.
+1 ☝️
I feel it's not so black and white though! There's more to it for sure... you talk about her previously bad relationships? I'm guessing (from what you've said) it's nothing to do with what she found, and more the fact that she had to find it! Trust is key in feeling respected by a partner.
And if you've discussed seeing a future with each other and really wanting this relationship to work, she'll feel betrayed that at this early stage you're not being truthful and keeping things from her. Apologise and explain you maybe dealt with it wrong and tell her honestly why you felt you couldn't tell her. I really hope you two can work it out. Good luck
3 months is not a long time. if your mutual feelings are strong and you can talk to one another this issue will, i am sure, be resolved. If you are unable to discuss this then I fear that regardless of strength of feeling the relationship will not go far as there will inevitably be other issues arise that you are unable to talk about.
It is not great but ultimately these things happen. Learn and move on if you move forward together.
I said I would get rid of what she saw.
I am in the middle of making a pile of toys that I know will freak her out based on what she saw.
There are some things that I wil not throw out due to the cost.
I don't know if I can get rid of enough things to keep her happy.
She is still angry and hard to talk to.
I keep thinking she is going to end it , but she won't stop messaging me.
Why is she so angry about a butt plug or you owning anal sex toys?
This is a her problem. Not a you problem. You shouldn't have to get rid of things that you enjoy for someone else. Especially someone you've only been with for 12 weeks or so. If she's this upset over something as small as a butt plug, then I question what she's going to be like with more serious matters a few months/years down the line.
Her leaving you wondering what's going to happen is not fair on you. Have the conversation and make a decision one way or the other. She's playing games and honestly being a bit manipulative at the moment.
In all honesty, having thought about it, if, when I was in my late teens/early 20s, I had found a BF's anal toys I probably would have freaked out a bit too. Early on in my relationship with my now husband we had a wobble over his porn collection. I was mainly upset because he'd hidden it from me but also because I felt like I wasn't enough for him. It probably was a reflection of my own poor body image/self esteem at the time too. Fast forward to the (far more emotionally and sexually 'mature') person I am now and I wouldn't bat an eyelid finding a new partner's toys. I *might* be a bit annoyed if it had been a 'secret' but, honestly, you're only 3 months in so you should still be discovering new things about each other.
Unless she's young/inexperienced or she had some horrific experience with a long-term partner turning out to be gay (not that that's inherently a bad thing but may explain her aversion to the butt plug, even though anal play doesn't mean a guy is gay), I really can't see why she should have a problem with it. It's really not fair asking you to throw your toys away. If you do, and the relationship continues, you will have set a dangerous precedent and you may come to resent her for making you shut off a part of yourself.
+1 on the previous comments. Welcome to the forum, you will find everyone is supportive and helpful, unlike your GF of 3 months. Is she worried that you may ask her to try the butt plug or perhaps anal ? Anyway talking with her is the best thing to understand what her issue is, just to reiterate, it's not your issue.
DaveFor wrote:
I said I would get rid of what she saw.
I am in the middle of making a pile of toys that I know will freak her out based on what she saw.
There are some things that I wil not throw out due to the cost.
I don't know if I can get rid of enough things to keep her happy.
She is still angry and hard to talk to.
I keep thinking she is going to end it , but she won't stop messaging me.
We all like different things DF! I really don't think that by getting rid of stuff you think she'll freak at (but you enjoy) will solve the problem. You think she's going to end the relationship, but can't stop messaging you? She's confused, hurt and upset. When you felt things were getting more serious, I think you maybe should've laid your cards on the table. The whole situation could've went differently, but it is what it is. I think that once she's calmed down and ready to hear your explanation, you'll both be able to resolve this 🤞🏻
The advice given here has been excellent, everyone is so supportive!
I know you are trying to make things work between yourself and your partner DaveFor, but I feel really sad at the thought of you getting rid of things you enjoy and essentially forcing yourself to be something that isn't 100% you! I understand there could be underlying reaons etc etc that caused her to react the way she did but still, changing or hiding parts of yourself will only spell disaster further down the road!
I've been reading this thread and wanting to respond but haven't been overly sure on how to put my feelings about it in to words.
In my opinion breaking up over a butt plug is a bit dramatic. It makes me think she is possibly looking for an excuse to split without her looking like the bad guy.
Asking you to get rid of things is not fair at all. You were someone before you were with her and you are still someone now. What you have isn't wrong, if it was then it wouldn't legal and readily available and there CERTAINLY wouldn't be us lot here! She should not try to fix someone who isn't broken to fit her criteria, instead she should embrace you for who you are. If she is so enraged over a wee butt plug how would she cope with a more serious issue?
I'm with RosyCheek on that!
Your girlfriend reaction is so over the top and it looks like you're the one trying to work it out how to please her and don't make her angry, when she's the one who is not right in the first place. You haven't done anything wrong and I think if you get rid of a few things to make her happy and your relationship go ahead, every time you ftwo fall out over something is probably you who will have to compromise without even talking about the situation.
I know it's hard for you because you seem to like her, but if you talk to her and she's still the same perhaps she's not one for you.
I think iot is only right that she give you a chance to explain yourself. You said that you both have done kinky things together? What did you both do? Could you reason on that with her?
I hope this is not too harsh and apologize if I repeat I only skimmed many other responses.
DO NOT throw away any of your toys right now. If you need to place a few in a storage box for a bit fine, but a partner asking you to throw away toys that you are not asking them to use ON or WITH you is not reasonable.
If she's thinks that much of you.......why would she mind what you enjoy doing on your own ?
Maybe she was shocked at what she found but she has no right to be this unreasonable or tell you what you can and can't do. I wouldn't throw any of my toys (and I have loads of all sorts of stuff) away...... particularly for someone I'd only been seeing for 3 months ! xx
NatandTom wrote:
Why is she so angry about a butt plug or you owning anal sex toys?
This is a her problem. Not a you problem. You shouldn't have to get rid of things that you enjoy for someone else. Especially someone you've only been with for 12 weeks or so. If she's this upset over something as small as a butt plug, then I question what she's going to be like with more serious matters a few months/years down the line.
Her leaving you wondering what's going to happen is not fair on you. Have the conversation and make a decision one way or the other. She's playing games and honestly being a bit manipulative at the moment.
+1
Probably a shock for her and she hasn't processed it yet.
If she isn't willing to discuss it, what else would you not be able to discuss in the future unless she gets her way. It isn't as if you plonked it in her hand and expected her to join in. At this time there is usually a lot that you don't know about each other.
Throwing them away just to keep her is denying yourself your pleasures/feelings, and will have repecussions later on. Maybe putting them out of sight for now until you have discussed it, but throwing them away to keep someone at this stage is a step too far and sets a pattern for the future.
I hope that isn't too brutal hope that you can resolve this positively for both of you.
I think it's going to be okay now.
We are talking normally again,
She must have been talking to some friends and then thought of how much we love each other.
She now thinks she may have over reacted a bit.
I think I finally found out the main issue.
She thought that I was not attracted to her and preferred the toy to her.
I told her she had nothing to worry about and could see why she thought that.
I said that some men can feel that way about woman having toys too.
A few weeks ago I bought her a toy and she loved. I loved it when I used it on her and she used it on herself,
Glad to hear that all is working out for the best for you both.
Glad you've sorted. Hope you didnt have to cull your toys
Yep, glad everything has worked out well for the two of you. But as I said in my earlier post I would suggest to her that she looks at this site to see how the rest of us are enjoying ourselves.
I recently found out my other half likes anal play, I was abit freaked out at first but we spoke and he reassured me there wasn't anything else along with it (silly old me had the worry he liked men and I know I shouldn't of instantly thought that) and that it would only be between us, then thought what the hell? He does what I like why shouldn't I do what he likes?
Now we have a wonderful time in the bedroom.
Pleasure should work both ways, give her time!
Good luck!
Thanks for updating.
Hope everything continues to go well for you both xx