Have I done the right thing?

i have a mate who is into kinky stuff, and has Been open about them for years and years. He recently got a new need and they are well suited together, and are madly in love.

He opened up last week when I asked how him and her were doing, he gave it the usual "we are good" then went "but she isn't willing to participate in ANY sexual stuff, she's very vanilla when it comes to sex." To which I asked the usually, have you spoke to her about trying some stuff etc, or is she dead against it. "100% against all of it, just wants vanilla, boring sex"

He also told me how he missed his kinks and has messaged an escort and a few Dome to help "sort his craving" to which I said was wrong. My view is; he is in a loving relationship and shouldn't venture out of it for sexual stuff that isn't happening in said relationship. He should call the relationship off or bite the bullet on his kinks if she is certain she won't do or participate in. He agreed after a bit of back and forth.

now I've spoke to my Mrs and she agreed with me, but I'm wondering what others think? Am I wronf to basically call it cheating or am I right? I know if it was me I'd call the relationship if it meant that much to me and the partner wasn't willing to participate. But not everyone's the same. I know for a fact his Mrs wouldn't allow this yo happen, she'd end it if she found out he done it.

so what's others views on this? Am I right or wrong or is it one them situations?

My personal feeling is that he shouldn't be going behind his girlfriend's back. She might feel hugely betrayed about the secrecy (lies?) and the infidelity and that betrayal would almost certainly end the relationship.

However, if he was honest with her about his preferences he could broach the subject of looking elsewhere, with her consent, if she still wasn't willing to try what he wants. He would need to suggest it gently, with no hint of trying to persuade her, and maybe suggest what might be in it for her - more 'vanilla' / romance / flowers / cuddles in return? Needs to be 'give and take' as it quite a big ask.

She might be ok with him approaching a professional. If she isn't then, yes, they have choices to make about where their relationship is going.

But honesty is the best policy.

I would classify going behind her back with an escort or any other woman as cheating so you are in the right in my books.

Absolutely, whole heartedly cheating in my book!

I'd be furious, and I would call it a day with my husband if I ever found out he was doing anything like that.

I think you are 100% right. If someone is that unhappy in their relationship and feels that their needs are not being met (regardless of the nature, sexual or not) then communication has to happen between both people. If they cannot come to an agreement where both are happy then just leave.

Simple as that!

Good for you Bigian for standing your ground and voicing your opinion, your wife must be very proud!

Hi Bigiain, I can’t form an opinion on your friend's situation fully, as I’m hearing 3rd hand information, and don’t know whether he’s acted on his contacts with others. I commend your advice to him though. He’s lucky to have someone like you he can confide in. In my view: If I was in a relationship with someone who judged me for my sexual preferences, and that somebody was closed to entertaining any of my kinks, I would have to question what their views were based on, and whether they cared enough about me to accept me the way I am. Being loved, loving with a generous heart and being open is important for me personally in a relationship. In my understanding, the Stonewall Inn uprising that helped kick off today’s Pride movement world-wide was sparked when very marginalised people were denied the last space where they could be themselves, and dance with others who accepted them. It’s a story with a really bleak background, which lead eventually to hard fought improvements for the lives of many of those marginalised communities, and many that followed. Decades later many of us are still having real trouble with standing proud and being ourselves in the face of relatively much smaller levels of prejudices and judgement. I think he deserves to have pride in who he is. I think you’re also right that he possibly has a choice between his apparently very loving vanilla relationship, and parting ways if he feels she can’t accept him as he is. It’s either that or she needs to be open to him getting his kicks elsewhere. This is dependent on his strength of feelings for kinky behaviour, of course. Many of us have fantasies we don’t really need to act on. Of course she can’t consent to anything if she doesn’t know about it, and he really should discuss his feelings. If he really loves her, she deserves the respect of openness and honesty. I wish him all the best in moving forward, wherever path he takes.

Just to clarify, he hasn't actually met or done anythibg woth the escorts/done. He has only enquired via email about pricing for his requests

You gave him your honest take on his situation, and that's the main thing. Many people would find their partners visiting sex professionals in secret problematic. And you'd never know if they were okay with it for sure unless you asked, so it's a bit of a catch-22.

Whatever he decides you gave him your advice on it, and I'm sure he was glad to have someone to share his problem with.

Bigiain, I 100% agree with you. Unless your friend and his girlfriend have mutually agreed to have a relationship where they can have sex with other people, this is cheating.

I’m quite straight forward in how I speak, so please don’t judge too harshly.

If they are not comparable in their sexual desires then it’s not going to work. Call it a day before anyone gets hurt.

I know for some couples the use of escorts works to satisfy the needs of one person or the other, but I have only ever known this to work in very long term relationships and usually after an accident or illness that means one person can nolonger satisfy the other sexual. I wouldn’t expect this to work in a new relationship.

Have you done the right thing?


You were right to give your honest opinion on this and I agree with everything you have said.

Update. Spoke to my mate, told him I said he was wrong if he went ahead, so he spoke to his Mrs and she said she will consider his kinks, to save him going "prostitutes

I agree with you..its cheating

regardless of the reasons why. It doesnt matter if they are not happy with the sex or the partner. Cheating is cheating.

And what a good friend you are for being so honest with him.

I'm just wondering whats going to happen if after she considers his kinks that she still decides thats it's too much out of her comfort zone ? To be honest if I were his mrs I'd feel a bit pressured and backed into a corner about this, that I'd feel that I'd have to go along with something that I really wasnt happy with to save him from seeking the services of a sex worker. Obviously I'm not in any way suggesting that she would feel like that , its just my personal opinion.

Yes you did absolutely the right thing in suggesting he talk to his mrs about it, much better that everyone knows where they stand. Unfortunately even the most loving and closest of couples sometimes don't share exactly the same ideas on fantasies and kinks. He may have to decide what's more important to him...his kinks or his relationship with his partner.