Help.... How to get him over "performance anxiety"

Hi Guys, I'm really hoping that someone can help me...... I've met a lovely guy recently, we are both in our early 40's...... He suffers with performance anxiety, I can get him hard (ish) orally, but, he seems to lose it when he's trying to penetrate me......

He also seems to be quite inexperienced sexually generally and I can tell despite numerous reassurances on my part that he feels intimidated by my sexual past...

How do I get this guy to stop worrying about and start enjoying sex ?

I drink a beer or two most nights.

I've been off most of this week, I've been noticeably, more. Might help

If not, if he can make you orgasm first, thats performance taken care of, then theres just the chance of him two pumps and a squirting

What about something like this?

I would just take things so and easy and let him lead and take control maybe just some teasing no pressure leading to sex maybe just enjoy each other having some oral fun , before the big connection .

Just enjoy finding out what each other enjoys .

Dont stress its happens to most men its normal

Thanks guys.... He's the one that's wanting to rush the penetration thing, I'm quite happy with giving / receiving oral x

I get first time syndrome almost every time I have sex with a new girl. Thing is though that I can get hard and go for ages, just not cum. Usually lasts for a few encounters until I feel comfortable, then I cum and everything after that is all good. Does mean that the first few times can be awkward though...

"I came, how come you didn't? Wasn't it good for you?"

"Oh it's just one of those things, sometimes I don't cum the first few times I sleep with a girl, you were great though and I really enjoyed it!"

"But if you enjoyed it why didn't you cum?! Guys always cum!"

"Oh... Ok... Ummmm..... How can I convince you you're not shit in bed?"

It's like having to explain the female orgasm complex from a male perspective... BUT BEING A MALE!

Anyway, my point is that his anxiety will only go away when he feels comfortable. That might take time or be a particular location or thing that you do or even a supplement/drug he takes. Regardless, until it happens every time he encounters the situation when he's supposed to be hard he won't be thinking "oooh, this is exciting" and get hard, he'll be thinking "I'm supposed to be hard, why aren't I?" and won't be.

He's being controlled by what he expects himself to be able to do in the given situation. Either take that choice away with a supplement or something, or (something I think would be better) remove the meaning of the erection. Try getting him hard in places or situations that aren't going to lead to sex. Even if they could lead to sex (bus journey home, hand runs up thigh etc) don't let them, just leave it at that. IMO he'll realise that him being hard isn't solely to please you sexually, you just like making him hard sometimes. When he knows you can make him hard outside of the situation his anxieties won't matter so much anymore as his body will be programmed to expect arousal from you.

It's all a placebo. His mind expects him to not be able to get hard in that situation and expectation is a very powerful thing. Sorry, essay over and hope any of that lot helps!

Hi Cameo, thanks for the response and I get where you are coming from..... I can get him hard, through talking and teasing etc... So I know that we can get it up and I have managed to make him cum too, maintaining an erection is the tricky bit....

He gets really anxious about the whole sex act and becomes despondent when he loses his erection !

I've tried to reassure him that I'm quite happy with what we are doing ( lots of oral ) and that when the times right it'll just happen...

He seems to have put an incredible amount of pressure on himself to perform, and he seems really besotted with me and he seems terrified of loosing me - so all of these things are playing on his mind, despite me saying just relax, I'm not interested in looking elsewhere for sex and that we will be fine, he just needs to stay in the moment and enjoy it !!

Tricky, We use swingers clubs and although its a different situation to yours i had no idea how many men suffer with this problem. Be it down to heat, nerves/anxiety of failing or being watched.

I guess relaxation is key and your doing all the right things but has he tried the "blue pills"? Maybe you could both take one too, im not sure as to how effect they are as theyre herbal but they might be worth a shot? Failing that there is always Viagra, now i know this can be embaressing but a friend of ours purchased his from Boots privately so no one had to know.

Just keep reminding him hes not a failure of a person, it happens to the best of men.

Good luck :) x

I wouldn't mention it, take the focus in your sexual play off of penetration and hopefully it will resolve in it's own time.

I had issues when I first went out with my OH - exactly this performance issue.

My local clinic suggested that we discuss and agree the following:

1. Any encounter isn't going to lead to penile penetration, and that is OK.

2. She plays with my willy a lot - both clothed and unclothed.

3. When I do get hard (at some point), she gets on top naked, plays with me til I was hard, then rubs against her pussy (but without trying to get it in).

We did all that, and after a couple of weeks, it slipped in during step 3, and her reactions were fantastic. After that, I felt a lot less pressure, and the issue went away completely after another couple of weeks.

I hope that works for you.

This is probably a stupid question, but have you tried going on top recently?

With my partner he doesn't struggle to keep it up, but in the positions I like, well it could last a little longer. I never used to enjoy being on top because I lack so much confidence but recently it is like I have a whole new attitude to sex and going on top now means I get to control everything we do... So I can tease him for ages and grind away pleasuring myself before penetration begins. Theoretically if you're on top he *shouldnt* feel such a need to perform as he's not in control of anything - just make it nice and slow and all about exploring each other not just the end game!

I decided to end this relationship..... It wasn't because of problems in the bedroom, I just felt really smothered and I came to realise that he a bit of a gambling problem, so I knew I was better of out of there !! Thanks for all of your help xx

Aww well at least you are happy and thats all that matters hunni you will find Mr Right soon enough

M4NC3R.... I love being on top, I love being able to pound / grind away to my hearts content, I'm not exactly slim myself, fortunately for me my ex husband gave me loads of confidence to go for "unflattering" positions, he even got me to sit on his face ( I was terrified that I was going to suffocate him ) he loved every minute of it !!! Sexually he was pretty bloody good, just unfortunately he was rubbish husband / father !!

Have you guys tried any cock rings to keep him harder for longer in you're favourite positions ? I found they worked a treat ;-))) xx

Thanks kinkyfuckery :-) I'm looking at treating myself to some new toys in the mean time ;-))) xx

wow spudsmum your my kind of lady you sound very sexy and i love ladies who have a more buxom figure,i used a cock ring and lasted over 20 minutes doggy as the wife was giving oral to our guest,i usaly cum quite quickly watching her perform the cock ring seem to make me go you like a guy using a cock ring

The issue your partner has is very like something I suffered from for a while some years ago. Getting hard initially was no problem at all but I could almost guarantee that I would loose it shortly after penetration.

There is no doubt that work-related stress was involved in setting up the problem in the first place - I find it hard to switch off from work problems at the best of times and when there is a real issue at work I would be trying to make love to my wife while thinking about other things - a recipe for disaster. Of course after the first couple of times I was then in the vicious circle of the performance anxiety thing. So, as I'm trying to penetrate my wife I just couldn't stop myself thinking "its going to go down like it did last time..." And of course it did.

I guess it was a bit more difficult because my wife does not get off easily from anything but penetrative sex - unusual I know - and normally a blessing but not in this situation.

I found a cock ring of the adjustable lasso type worked quite well until I had a failure while wearing it and we were back to the old problem. Seemingly the psychological aspects of the problem can defeat this kind of help once you realise it's not infallible.

The thing that really solved the problem for me was pelvic floor exercises. This discovery was the fruit of quite a bit of research, the bones of which I posted in the following thread:-

The EMS way of doing the exercises works well for me as I find it difficult to concentrate on doing them for myself for any length of time.

The only time I have an issue now is if I have a drink so I would certainly give that a miss. It's the reason why I'm always happy to be the designated driver when we go out 8-)=

Anyway, good luck.

This is a really complicated problem, but a lot more people do suffer from it. Think the preassure is always on - if you meet a girl in a pub or club, and go home together, the understanding is you are not going home to snuggle and watch tv - you are going home to fuck, so the preassure on the man is on the second you leave the venue.

Will she like me, am I good enough, big enough - all these silly things. And sure lot of women have similar anxieties.

For some men or women it comes naturally - but not for everyone. And if you satisfy your women, but then can't manage to orgasm yourself [well you could try to fake it, but she will know] and then the woman feels bad thinking she is not good enough bla bla bla

It is complicated, maybe everytime you go to bed naked together, maybe don't go with the intention of having sex? Have a cuddle, read, watch tv, talk whatever. Once your mr gets a bit more relaxed he should be fine. It might take days, weeks or months. Good luck x

Hi HH yes, I love using cock rings, especially if you've got cock and balls in there as it makes the whole package quite prominent and proud :-D xx

Hi Janny, sadly I'm no longer in this relationship, I think the performance anxiety was tied in with other stress issues.... I came to realise that he had a gambling problem too and although in his 40's acted like we were a couple of kids and was desperate for it to be an amazing long lasting relationship and was on about babies & marriage ( we'd be dating 7 weeks !! ) I had asked him several times to slow down and just enjoy getting to know each other a build a solid foundation for a relationship, but, don't think he could help himself and mentioned marriage on every occasion we saw each other !!! Xx