It’s been many years since I found myself in this forum but I’m hoping it’s as helpful as it used to be
My husband and I are just shy of ten years together.
Three kiddos, two exhausting jobs and a lot of pressure later and we’re grateful to still be very in love.
However… I suppose I expected our sex life to take a hit through these busy years but it’s got us in a position (cough) that I didn’t see coming.
The sex is good. We know how to please eachother. We’re open, communicate, experiment and have a lot of fun when life allows it. The issue is the average week when life is just routine. He cannot seduce me. He does some really weird stuff. Grabs a boob. Then a thigh. Then a butt cheek and does this on repeat for as long as it takes me to ask him to stop and honestly it’s such a turn off. He knows I don’t like it but he’s struggling to not. He says he just gets excited end likes the feel of everything. But it’s got to the point now where I can’t stop him and re start because I’m so blooming annoyed that he’s doing it again.
I have no issue coming on to him and starting the process but I wish I could take a back seat at the start and just be swept on my feet on the average night without it feeling like he’s putting so much restraint in. I want gentle (and consistent location) caresses, ones that please me, not his need to feel me. I want to be seduced god damn it. Just on a freakin’ Tuesday night. Not a love making marathon but somewhere between that and “grab the lube and just whack it in”
We’ve been talking about tantric sex a bit recently so I’d love any advice or pointers to good references for that. But really I just need to know how to get this good man to stop grabbing my boob like an excited 16 year old.
I’m one step away from drawing him a Monica style diagram to visually walk him through it.
Myself and my beautiful wife are coming up to ten years this year, two kids (both through ivf) and my wife’s job takes her away for a week at a time - so we’re in pretty similar situation. Like you were are very much still in love, enjoy as much sex as we can fit around our busy life - we communicate well…and guess what…we’re in the same situation….my OH just doesn’t seem able to seduce me…it’s always me doing such a thing…so you are not alone!
However I’m a guy, and I can safely say…guys are sh@t at a lot of those things….I honestly think that if you did draw a Monica style drawing it might have the desired effect. I am guilty of the boob grab and ass grab…it’s how I thought I should show effection…but now realise it’s cos I like grabbing her boobs! I think just be honest with him and tell him what you want…and hopefully he’ll pick a suitable time to use your instructions.
It’s a difficult balance, as I’ve told my OH what I need to feel wanted…however now she struggles because she thinks that if she does that I’ll just think I’m doing it cos I’ve asked her to do it….I can’t win! But it sounds like your relationship is strong…so just tell him what you really want…and hopefully he’ll surprise you…
I’ve now realised that it’s not a boob grab…but a gentle hugs from behind, playing with her hair and gentle attention to her ears! I’m trying hard not to grab a boob…but it’s hard!
Welcome back @missorgasm! I can’t really help since I’m in a similar situation (minus the kids). I wouldn’t abandon the Monica style diagram! Nothing wrong with being clear and he might appreciate knowing exactly what you want
When you’re asking him to stop are you telling him why you want him to stop? And not just saying ‘that’s annoying stop it’
Have you explained what you DO want him to do? Told him about the gentle caressing, him doing things to please you not feed his hornyness, sweeping you off your feet Communication is key, if you don’t tell him you can’t expect him to know and he might end up taking things the wrong way
Perhaps the issue is that it only really gets talked about when the gropey gropes are happening/have just happened.
Three lively boys isn’t helping. We used to be all rough and ready but now I feel like I get battered/clambered all over/generally man handled all day every day I want sweet and gentle. My brains busy and I just want to lose myself in a sweet poetic moment before I get ruined. Is it too much to ask
It’s reassuring to know it’s not just us. I feel like a decade spent on learning to really please eachother is hilarious when we can’t even get eachother in the initial mood. Maybe massage is a good shout. Although he’s so damn heavy handy. Seriously, I’ve nicknamed him Lenny since the day we met.
Though I’ve not been a big talker over the years when it comes to mushy romantic stuff, I’ve found a few other fun ways to let my wife know I’m thinking about her and still crazy for her.
Here’s the current favourite:
A while back, I picked up a small trunk with a sturdy lock and a small key. I sometimes text her a quick note (whether I’m at home or not) telling her where to find the key, and instructions (very specific or rather cryptic) with what to do with the box’s contents. This can be lingerie, a toy, an anal douche kit, a bath bomb, a combination of things, or whatever.
Obviously it works best if the surprises are within the boundaries we’ve explored together already.
It really isn’t the end of the world if she doesn’t take the ‘bait’, each time. Or even if the plan unravels and goes off the rails. That’s obviously ideal, but the real world gets in the way of our fantasies sometimes.
The point is that she feels I value our relationship, and think about her when she’s not around. It’s also very much about taking a lead and making thoughtful preparations.
We went through a similar thing where I had always seen a grab of my wife’s boobs, or a light smack on her butt cheek as a way or showing affection and interest whereas she found it to be off-putting. Jump forward 12 months, I no longer touch her in the same way whether it be in passing or even in bed and our sex lives have pretty much died as I no longer have any idea when it would be deemed “acceptable” to touch her intimately without potentially making her feel as if she’s being gropped . It’s a really crappy position to be especially since communication around intimacy is very rare and difficult for my OH.
MY advise is try to work it out between you and your partner before it’s too late to find the middle ground again.
I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in this place. I’ve text him a list of things that get me drooling to start a conversation of yes’s instead of no’s. Hopefully this will help it be us fixing it instead of all down to him
Hi @missorgasm
I would suggest to your husband, that like most things in life, there are ways to go about things and ways not to.
If he wants to get the best out of work colleagues on what ever matter that was to arise , he wouldnt just barge ahead blindly without thinking, would he.?
If he wants to get the best out of you ( in this instance sexually), he needs to stop and think what would appeal to the love of his life.
Personally I have found , doing non sexual thoughtful things can have a huge effect , especially when followed up with a subtle affectionate gesture.
He needs to sit you down after your hard day’s work, pour you a glass of wine and massage your tired feet… would that spark your interest.?
@GoGirl12 . Thanks for the suggestion. My OH doesn’t like massage oils or creams on her and will generally turn down an offer of a massage . When she does very rarely respond positively to the offer, I feel that she is only agreeing to appease me rather than for her enjoyment. It’s a dead-end street and I’ve slowly started to accept that intimacy between us is something we shared in the past but no longer important to her.
Im in a similar position except that he seems to think that my nipples are a dial that turn me on.
Quite the opposite actually, if im not in the mood fiddling with my nipples is likely to piss me off. But he doesnt seem to understand that
So, if I’m understanding this right, you’re saying that when Mrs Chimp leans across me to reach for something I shouldn’t play-act milking her like a cow, while making ‘beeedle-beedle-beedle’ noises?
I’m this way with my OH and it annoys the shit out of him but I can’t help myself Love giving a good slap on the ass or squeezing him I have refrained from squeezing parts that make him insecure (such as his stomach), but I can’t help but be handsy at times
Communication is key, if you don’t tell him you can’t expect him to know and he might end up taking things the wrong way 
I want sweet and gentle. My brains busy and I just want to lose myself in a sweet poetic moment before I get ruined. Is it too much to ask 
Love giving a good slap on the ass or squeezing him 
I have refrained from squeezing parts that make him insecure (such as his stomach), but I can’t help but be handsy at times 