Hi all
Me and my gf of two years decided to try an open relationship whilst I'm on my year abroad. She's slept with two people, I haven't slept with any, I also discovered some slight insecurities I think, but overall I'm not happy and I've been homesick and haven't felt good about anything to do with this for about three weeks. I've talked to her before and I've changed my mind on it and tried to go for it, I've felt really positive about it and excited.
But now I'm certain I want it to stop, just until I return from my YA and we can sort it out. But she has discovered this new side to herself and loves it, and is in a massive pickle over her feelings and not wanting to shy away from who she is and also wanting me to be happy.
At the same time I don't want her to force herself to not be who she is but at the same time I don't think it's very selfish of me to want her to not be in the open relationship. We had boundaries and rules and shit they havent been Broken, it's just a complete mess of a situation and I could use some advice if anyone has any
Hey tholuc, even the strongest and happiest relationships can crumble when other people get involved. I think the main part you need to consider is your own happiness, if your feeling insecure and worried about what's going on back home then your not happy and if she's not willing to stop for you then no matter how perfect she may be, it's really not healthy for you.
Have you asked her why she wants to be in the open relationship? You said you spoke to her previously and she changed your mind about things, but deep down im guessing you still felt the same. I know it may be tough and it does really suck but I think you need to find yourself and sometimes letting go can be the best option. If she wants to have a free pass then it's not fair on you, and if you slept with someone else how would she feel?
Personally and being someone who ended a 10 year relationship due to similar circumstances, I would suggest walking away to be the best option to save yourself the pain of everything.
Many men get a kick hearing about their other half having sex with others. I do not know if it is something you might consider. Would you be turned on hearing the intimate details or would it highten your insecurities.
You could offer suggestions on what she might try such as trying same sex fun with another girl. Many couples report that it has brought them even closer.
What you agreed with her before you left is always going to have risks. The fact that you have not indulged yourself may indicate a confidence issue. If this is the case you need to challenge this or it may come back to bite you in the arse at a later date.
A confident older woman might be want you need for both confidence and experience.
There's loads of other variables at play here as well, like I've never slept with anyone before her, I haven't had a girlfriend before her, I have an erroneous view of sex as a competition from being unconsciously indoctrinated by a laddy group that place emphasis on number of sexual partners, I also haven't actually had sex out here yet, and tindr has kind of let me down. I don't know I feel there's too much complexity in this specific scenario for anyone here to be able to fully understand specifically what's going on with us, but I do appreciate the help and the perspective She actually told me all the details at my request when It first happened and it turned me on, which Is why I thought I could do it. I also think I have a slight addiction to sex, because I always get into massive mood swings when I don't have sex, and masturbating isn't the same. She feels it's liberating and I can understand that, I just can't relate, and it's terrifying me that we haven't been able to figure this out because we always talk things through and have been through a lot and I don't want to loose her but this is a massive, inconceivable situation that I don't know how to handle.
It sounds to me that the open relationship might have sounded a good idea and a turn on for both of you, but the fact it has only been the girlfriend who has had sexual experiences with others has opened up a big insecurity issue with you.
Your girlfriend is going to be fine with everything as she is the one who has had the pleasure of sleeping with others.
The fact that you haven't been successful in finding another partner and that this is affecting your confidence, I'd personally call it a day and try and move on. I think because the whole thing has affected you in such a negative way, and the fact that she has already slept with others, I don't think you can ever undo all that and have what you had before.
Either way, I wish you luck and hope whatever the outcome you have had a learning experience.
It sounds to me that the open relationship might have sounded a good idea and a turn on for both of you, but the fact it has only been the girlfriend who has had sexual experiences with others has opened up a big insecurity issue with you.
Your girlfriend is going to be fine with everything as she is the one who has had the pleasure of sleeping with others.
The fact that you haven't been successful in finding another partner and that this is affecting your confidence, I'd personally call it a day and try and move on. I think because the whole thing has affected you in such a negative way, and the fact that she has already slept with others, I don't think you can ever undo all that and have what you had before.
Either way, I wish you luck and hope whatever the outcome you have had a learning experience.
I agree with this. I don't know if you can go back from this point. Even if the relationship closes off and it goes back to being just you two, you may find yourself still feeling unhappy and uncomfortable with the fact that she slept with other people. In theory, these things can sound fun but the reality doesn't always live up to it and you may end up growing to resent each other. It might be better to end things now and save yourself heartache later on. I'm sorry if this wasn't the advice or response you were hoping to hear. Good luck
I have been shot down quite a few times on this Forum in the past when I say that introducing a third party into a relationship isnt always a good idea. Simply because it can bring umpteen problems if things dont work out. Regretably this is one instance where I have proved to be correct. For some no doubt these type of relationships do work out and can seem exciting , hence we have Swinger Clubs for example . But the psyche of these people must be so strong that it doesnt affect them when they see their partner involved with another person. I do admire these people but for some of us this type of arrangement doesnt work.
I just hope that you can sit down with your OH and tell them that you perhaps made a mistake and that this arrangement is curtting you up . Hopefully her raltionship with yourself will be strong enough to overcome this desire to be with another person and prefers to be with yourself . Then your OH will in turn, perhaps have to put this other person down very gently without damaging their feelings and hurting them .It is messy but most of it depends on how your OH wants to handle this situation.
But you do need to talk to your OH and sooner the better before this other relationship develops further.
If your OH pulls this off then I think you have a lot of making up to do and perhaps appreciate more what you already have .
I agree with Latex Lover as well. Not sure your relationship can recover from this. If she enjoys it and would resent giving up her open relationships and you feel insecure then i cannot see how it can work. Plus it seems to be that a fair bit of trust has gone out the window.
Thats the problem. I agree with Mysteron. I think open relationships and swinging isnt for most people, not because i morally find it wrong or anything but most people do carry insecurities and really you have to be incredibly secure to get a open relationship to work.
as for your sexual history, as you said men boast and compete. They also bullshit as well! Its only when i got older and discussed our earlier life with friends (when we had grown up a lot and were less insecure) we all realised we had embelished stories as well. I would say getting over trying to keep up "with the lads" is also better for your self esteem in the long term. Being single and not having many partners is nothing to be ashamed of.
When I was in a relationship I always liked the sound and idea of an open relationship and threesome etc, but in reality, I knew that I personally couldn't have dealt with it mentally. I don't have any issue what so ever with others leading that lifestyle, but I know it wouldn't be for me. That's just the way I am.
I wouldn't worry about your sexual history either. I'm a man and have slept with 4 people in my lifetime and I'm 34. Again, it doesn't matter whether you're 20 and have slept with 60 people or 75 and have slept with 2 people.
You are what you are, and the most important thing is to be true to yourself.