Holding out for sex

Hi,

So my sex drive always has been a lot higher then the OH’s. For a long time now I’ve always found myself being the one having to initiate us having sex. So I’ve decided I’m not going to try initiating for a while and her in a position of having to work for it. I’m finding it so hard though as I’m just so horny plus i just find her so sexy :rofl::rofl:

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Hi @Mr_Mrs_GJT
I wouldn’t bother playing this game. You might have a different experience but generally it’s a good way to start creating resentments.
I have heard various sex therapists and coaches explain that many women love sex, but generally never initiate it.
Susan Bratton is a famous sex coach, and she said even for her, it’s always her husband who initiates.
I used to try waiting for my wife but it never happened.
What made the difference was communication and therapy.
Our sex lives improved 100% and we have a whole new approach, kink and sensuality.
My wife learned a lot about what she wants, and we are very centered around her pleasure.
That’s the source of the magic for us.
Funnily enough, when I said to her that I had heard on a podcast that most women don’t initiate sex, she smiled. Since then though, she initiates sex quite a lot!
I think it took away a pressure.
On the LH forum there are lots of enlightened ladies, who aren’t in the above camp, but it might just be that your OH is like mine, and many others, and we just have to learn their needs.
Therapy opened up a whole new world for us though.
Good luck with the adventure :star_struck:

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Hiya @Mr_Mrs_GJT I personally wouldn’t go down that road. From my point of view, it made me feel frustrated, I wondered why he had hadn’t taken an interest in me. Why he hadn’t wanted me for a day/week/month/year. I felt all sorts of emotions and feelings. From thinking I was ugly/fat to worthless. Initiate and enjoy, your OH might like you taking control , she might think if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. Just don’t let her feel there’s an issue :blush:

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I agree with @Amunique

She may think you’re getting it elsewhere…and the sudden change in you not wanting her could plant lots of scenarios in her mind…also it could end up in you resenting her for not approaching you and open a big can of worms.

I would say talk talk and talk more when you both have the time for a conversation…and not in the bedroom.

Good Luck

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This could end up in a Mexican stand-off, with neither one of you making the first move and make things worse not better.

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I’ve tried that in the past and it just builds resentment on both sides. Don’t do it. Talking it through is a much better solution.

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@Mr_Mrs_GJT sounds like a dangerous game as already said you should discuss this with the OH and scrap this plan ! :slightly_smiling_face: :upside_down_face: :slightly_smiling_face:

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Im rubbish at starting sex , even if im really wanting it . Basically im scared he is going to say “not tonight” which he couldnt believe and said he would never say no . Talking is probably better than game playing , you shouldnt really have to make your partner work for it , it might make her decide not to bother.

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I’m going to agree with a lot of the comments here. I have a higher sex drive than my partner (and we’ve discussed this in more detail recently and we have a much greater understanding of each others needs) but in the past; I would always initiate and then if I went ahead and decided to not initiate… well then things wouldn’t happen. It’s not because he doesn’t want to; there are lots of things going on in the background that just means he’s not wired to think that way. But since we’ve had a very frank and open discussion about it; we are in a much better place and after being together for 18 years this year; I think our sex life is better than it’s ever been. It’s an age-old trope but COMMUNICATION is important! Don’t let things build up because it can lead to resentment, misunderstandings and then it’s all just so much worse.

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I have a real hard timr initiating sex, even of om horny as heck…its a confidence thing for me, im terrified even after 13years he’ll reject me… We’ve been through dry spells where he doesnt initiate and ultimately it leads to us both feeling all sorts of nasty feelings, feeling rejected, resentment, questions of whats wrong with me is it coz im fat, ugly ect or is he cheating…
Its a dangerous game to play on all honesty, communication is key, talk, ask of theres a reason she doesnt/cant initiate it,. Once me and hubs actually talked (he is awful with communication and takes a bust up before he finally speaks up) but once we talked and he understood WHY ,it became less of an issue. He did tell me that he’d die on the spot if i did finally initiate something :joy: but i explained its not that i dont want to its just that niggle holds me back, maybe one day

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Perhaps come to an arrangement where you take it in turns to initiate sex, like a game. You could even add in that the gap will be no longer X number of days or weeks just to keep things moving

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Makes me wanna go awww reading your post :sweat_smile: I think it’s beautiful how you find it hard to keep hands off your wife, very romantic and will be interesting to see if she gets a heightened sex drive by having you play hard to get lol

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Thanks for all the replies, we do talk about it a lot and she always says it makes her feel cringe starting it. The plan was never to make her feel unwanted etc but thanks for all the comments.

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Good luck with that. I’m in the same boat and usually am the first one to cave in on the hold out.

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Good luck. I’m probably 3 or 4 levels up for it over my wife. I’m always up for it every day. She says she’s always up for it and we could try the some form of sex every day for a month challenge but we never get around to it. I think she’s happy with every other day or every 3-4 days but I would prefer at least every other day but I don’t chase or press too much now and just go solo by myself with some good porn and toys!

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@our-adventure-bed i have found the same! Love the fact I got onto mental health meds to support me, as I now have a much fuller and satisfying sex life after the desert of the last several years. I actually rarely initiated sex but i do now about 99% of the time and I love it. Plus my therapist is really good to talk with about all of this.

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