A while ago I found out that my OH had been chatting to over girls online via webcams, IM's and text messages and as you can expect I didn't take it too well. Most of them were just girls he met online, a sort of interactive porn I guess, but a couple of them were girls I knew and I ever since then I have been struggling to deal with it all and learn to trust him again. Every time his phone bleeps with a new message my heart drops, every time he stays up later than me I'm convinced his on the laptop and even worse (and something I am not proud to admit to) every time he leaves his phone unattended I check his messages.
I know that this was a lot more serious than just a simple flirtation because I have seen the photos they exchanged and I have read all of the messages in his FB inbox but he swears it was just a bit of fun and nothing physical happened. The worse thing is that it just seems so out of character and he has lied to me so much that I don't know what's real any more and if he's lied so easily before how do I know he's not lying now?
I was just wondering if anyone out there had gone through anything similar and had any advice for me or if someone could enlighten me on the reasons why he did this. I haven't been able to talk to any one about this because I don't want my friends to know about it so I have kept this to myself for well over a year and it's driving me crazy. It's made me really insecure and I have found myself making a lot more effort to keep him sexually interested so he doesn't feel the need to go elsewhere (that's how I found LoveHoney in the first place) but this just means I'm rewarding his infidelity with sex! Messed up I know.
Any help would be greatly appreciated as I want us to move beyond all this unpleasantness and get on with our lives and if any one has any ideas one how I can get revenge on the girl I know then that would be great too.
I wouldn't waste your time with a man like this. Have you actually confronted him? If you want his and you own self respect you need him to know this is unnaceptable and he can't have his cake and eat you.
I worry that you're excusing his behaviour by trying to find fault with yours. Grown up men will talk to their lover if they feel they're not getting enough attention not wank over their phone like a horny school boy. In my opinion if a man is inclined to go behind your back it makes no difference if you're the most sensational lover he's ever had, he's following his ADD penis.
chazamelina wrote: if any one has any ideas one how I can get revenge on the girl I know then that would be great too.
The best revenge is the girl who gets on with her life and doesn't waste time on people of no significance. Don't lower yourself to giving them any more attention. She's not worth it and you're better than that.
If you both want to make a go of it it's going to take a long time to get the trust back and it may never happen. I can't say I could be in a relationsip with someone if I couldn't have peace of mind without checking his phone. The confusion caused by someones lies contrasting with the person they are around us is very painful and if he cared about you he wouldn't put you through that.
Before I offer any comment on appropriate action I would ask, if you don't mind how long you have been with this man and what your relationship status is as this would change the repercussions and action it may be wise to take.
Hiya Chazamelina! Firstly welcome to the forum as I can't recall seeing you around here before :-)
So, your fellsa been having sexy chat and swapping photos with others on the net? If you were not aware of this as it seems is the case, he has obviously deceived you from the onset as he knew you wouldn't approve and in my book that is not on girl! Has he stopped access to his facebook from these other girls and stopped communicating with them as you were so upset? That's the least he can do. You need to sit him down and lay the ground rules for how you want your relationship to be and of course listen to what he has to say. If you're not happy with his explanations and with the way you feel, ultimately it's time to call it a day. If you cannot trust him and it's driving you crazy when will you be at rest and happy with your relationship? What would he have to do to make everything alright again? Tell him! Take control and lay the law down if he doesn't like it I'm sure you can get someone better! Let him know girl! I know plenty of lads who love librarians! ;-) Good luck always.
Can I add - when confronting your fella about this do not let him say "well it was only the internet, stop being silly" or something similar! The internet can be just as real as real life (I met my fella online and we're in our 5th year together and now live together) so what your man has done is just as bad as "real" cheating - if you feel he has betrayed you, then he has cheated and you should treat it as such! If you want to try and forgive him - as SG says, lay down ground rules and let him know he is *working* for your trust, if he loves you, he will work for it! If he won't work for your relationship then he isn't worth the time of day!
Thanks everyone it's good to actually get some advice and talk about it for once, and you're right I am very new to the forums.
To answer the earlier questions: we've been together for 5 years, live together and have been engaged for almost 3 years and yes I have confronted him about all this, several times and to give him credit I haven't found any evidence of any wrong doings since the last massive confrontation. He was pretty upset when it all came out and he never once had a go at me about going through his phone, which was what I was expecting, and he has grown up a lot ever since.
It's very wierd because most of the time I'm fine and don't think about it but every now and then something will remind me and I'll spend a couple of days being completely obsessed by it but that's just because I'm a big paranoid loser.
As for the revenge thing I just added that to lighten up the mood because I'm not very good at being serious for too long. I'm happy as long as she stays out of my way. And don't worry I keep all the really good LH toys to myself.
Since your relationship is a long one, and the fact you've been together a year after it first happened, it sounds like you want to keep him. The fact that you've not found anything since the last time you confronted himmakes it seem like he's taken you seriously and stopped. You also said he's grown up, which is another good sign. You havent gone into too much detail about what he did, but it does sound to me like he's realised what he's done.
Make sure he is aware of how much his actions have hurt you, and let him know that the next time he does it it's over. Sometimes things are very difficult to forgive, but you can put it behind you for the sake of your relationship, as long as your partner is willing to work for it.
Wise words from Ecksvie. I just wanted to add that you are definately not a 'paranoid loser'.
When someone has lied to you (about anything) then this naturally makes you feel vulnerable - it's harder to trust someone after they have let you down. That doesn't mean that you can't re-build trust but I don't believe you can just forgive and forget. Trust takes time to be re-built and in the mean time if you feel the need to check up on him, remember that is because he lost your trust, not because there is anything wrong with you.
If you feel sneaky you could try being open with him - tell him that you are feeling insecure because of what has happened in the past and ask him to show you his mobile or e-mails. Try not to drag up rows of the past, say that you want to be able to trust him again and are trying hard but that at the moment you still feel the need for reassurance. If he has nothing to hide he should be able to show you his messages and give you the reasurance you need. It may also help him to understand how much you were hurt by his betrayal.
brilliant advice from both of you thank you. I made it very clear that if I ever found anything again I would castrate him, kick him out and take custody of the car (his prized possesion) so he would be pretty stupid to do it again.
I know I'll find it hard to open up and let him know if I'm doubting him again but if I've got a genuine reason to feel like I need to check up on him then I'll do it and deal with the consequences. I've never been very good at dealing with the big stuff and usually keep things to myself.
I agree with what Kitty said, it may be worth asking him to show you his emails and stuff if you do start feeling paranoid, although dont give him advance notice so he cant delete anything before you get to it. Do let him know that you're still struggling. Hopefully he'll work extra hard to make things better for you again.
Alot of guys may have taken the chance to leave once you found out if it was really serious with the other girls, and his actions sounds like he does care about you and realises what he did was wrong.
You have every right to feel paranoid about it, so dont worry. Bottling it up wont help, so big points for talking about it here. Also, it'll feel hard, but do bring it up with your partner. Sometimes us girls do get paranoid about things, some more trivial than others, and we need our guys to give us that reassurance.
If this happened to me.....I think what I would do would be to sit down and speak to my OH and explain my feelings, I would also assure my partner that I would eventually "get over" it, but I needed solid evidence of his committment first:
I would perhaps suggest a total honesty policy and set a time frame (a partner has the right to their secrets - my OH has a secret book that I'm not allowed to look in - but if the partner has lied then they kind of forgo that right for a period!). I would say that he is to show me each text as and when he receives it and tell me every single thing he does in a day, changes all his passwords to one you both now and allows you to use his laptop. That way it would be easier to spot "hiding" behaviour. If hiding behaviour occurs then you have another discussion and decide what to from there. If in, say 6 months, there is nothing to suggest that he is lying to you then you give him a little bit more freedom and privacy and gradually increase it until you are back to the level of privacy you had. The thing is though, if he is doing everything he can to make you forgive him and you just can't let it go then you will never move past it in your relationship.
If you feel he is doing everything right for the relationship then you have to look at what you can do to forget (not necessarily forgive) and move on.
When I'm feeling paranoid I rationalise - "he can't be cheating he's definately at such and such a place" or "he wouldn't bother taking me shopping if he'd rather be with such and such" etc. If that doesn't work, I talk to my OH and he gives me whatever reassurance he can. The point in my strategy is that I have too many trivial paranoid feelings meaning that if I told my OH all of them it would most certainly ruin the relationship - rationalising helps me to sort the wheat from the chaff so to speak and means I only talk to my OH about the "real" worries rather than the "I'm on my period or really stressed out and you don't love me anymore" irrational worries.
It does *sound* like your OH is aware that what he did is wrong so would be happy to work at making you happy again.
Just to add - of course your OH will understand you have every right to feel paranoid and if he's genuinly sorry he will be happy to listen to any and all of your worries so you shouldn't bottle things up with your fella whilst you are overcoming this!
Thanks everyone it's good to actually get some advice and talk about it for once, and you're right I am very new to the forums.
To answer the earlier questions: we've been together for 5 years, live together and have been engaged for almost 3 years and yes I have confronted him about all this, several times and to give him credit I haven't found any evidence of any wrong doings since the last massive confrontation. He was pretty upset when it all came out and he never once had a go at me about going through his phone, which was what I was expecting, and he has grown up a lot ever since.
It's very wierd because most of the time I'm fine and don't think about it but every now and then something will remind me and I'll spend a couple of days being completely obsessed by it but that's just because I'm a big paranoid loser.
As for the revenge thing I just added that to lighten up the mood because I'm not very good at being serious for too long. I'm happy as long as she stays out of my way. And don't worry I keep all the really good LH toys to myself.
Thanks again
C
Just wanted to send you a big hug and to say that I agree everyone else has given sensible advice. If there hasn't been any indication of him doing this for over a year then maybe it was just a glitch and when he got found out he genuinely felt embarrassed/remorseful and wouldn't dream of doing it again. I'd also talk to him about the fact you feel you have to 'perform' more in bed to keep his interest and that his deception still haunts you. I know this would drive me up the wall and I wouldn't be able to get it go either, so we'll be losers together ;-)
Thinking about it, a male friend of mine did a similar thing awhile back. He used to do similar stuff when he was with his ex and the relationship was on its last legs. More recently, when his new GF was away at a conference he confessed he was "bored" and missing her (!) so he ended up swapping pics with a woman he'd chatted to online for sometime. He asked what he should do and I told him to end contact but that it probably wasn't worth upsetting the new gf if he really realised how wrong it was and definitely wouldn't do it again. In the end the guilt was eating him up so he came clean and she was okay about it. I think he realised what an utter muppet he'd been. He also realised that he wasn't interested in the other woman and totally loves/wants his GF, it was just boredom/fun that led him to do it without really considering the consequences at the time.
So, as I said above, it may be that your fiance genuinely is sorry and embarrassed and wouldn't do it again. But maybe just have a chat to him again about it to explain the impact it's had on you and the doubts it's created in your mind about him and the relationship - so he understands how serious it was. Ask him how he'd feel if it was the other way around. I had a dream my fiance had been chatting to someone onine and she turned up. I text him saying I was irrationally mad with him after I woke up, even though it was a dream LOL So, God forbid he ever did it in reality!!
Aaah now my ex OH (this is not why we ended) used to sit on my pc and think it was funny all these girls flirting with him on online chat because I was sat next to him and whoop wasn't it good of him to be so open with me. Ah no in actual fact, it made me paranoid of what he was doing away from me! lol And yet he was so open, if I was cooking he'd call me to the pc and show me what was being said. Saying that I'm good at hiding my feelings and it was only his ex I had serious issues with him - seriously - a grown woman who can't change a lightbulb - GROW UP and learn!
I know of a bloke who has been with his OH for years - yet thinks nothing of finding strangers on webcams for virtual sex. He does not see it as cheating, states he loves his girl and would never leave her.
Anyway, all the advice given here is sound. Wishing you well. xx