How could he do this to me?...

Sex Tips & Talk
1

yesterday was the worst day of my life. it was the day the man i love left me. with no explanation other than "i dont feel the same anymore", im devastated, distraught, im in agony, my whold worlds been turned upside down. im torturing myself going over everythings thats happened the past 3 years we were together, trying to figure out what went wrong. its doing my head in, so i felt the need to just type it out. i dont want to bore you or pathetically go on and on. if your willing to listen, ill go on...

let me star from the beginning, this came as a great shock to me because i thought we were happy, we were saving for a deposit for a house which we were going to get later this year, he constantly went on about babies and the future, i thought we wanted the same things.

2 weeks ago he asked my parents if he could propose in the next couple of months. 1 week ago we had a bit of a small tift, spent the ight apart but sorted it out the next day and everything was fine, him telling me he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and i am the best thing to ever happen to him. wednesday. 4 days ago, i picked him up from work, we were cuddling and kissing and telling eachother how much we loved one another. 1 hour later he just changed. like jeckle and hyde. went quiet, distant. i enquired as to wahts up im moaned out for lecturing him and being paranoid and stupid. thursday, we worked opposite shifts. he left for work on the morning without even saying bye. i text him asking why and he starts having a go saying that im lecturing him and anything he does i always moan at. we got into a text argument. i said that we needed to talk about it. friday afternoon. i wait 2 hours on a carpark to pick him up from the trainstation. i see the train, terrified of what might happen, i was crying, he got into the car, without talking like we were supposed to and just said "i want to break up" ...

i burst into more tears, i had a panick attack, he left me there. at that moment i wanted to end my life, stupid as it may sound, but he was the only good thing in it. im having problems at work, hes just started a new job, my health isnt great, im waiting to have a scan of my ovaries cause im constantly in pain. which im terrified about. we were meant to be going away for a few days for valentines, wed arranged a romantic time together, wed arranged parties, gigs festivals and most importantly the buying of the house, this was going to be our year. see im crying again now, im just in disbelief, i cant believe this has happened. were not one of those couples that argues constantly and breaks up gets back together breaks up etc. i truley love him. so whats changed for him?

ive spent the past 3 days crying, ive struggled at work, i have no energy after all the panic attacks, im not eating or drinking, i cant bring myself to get out of bed.

after he ended it yesterday. i calle my brother to come and get me as i was still in the carpark having panick attacks, alone. i couldnt move and needed him to drive. i got home. my mom ran to his house starts having a go, calling him a lying bastard as hes telling his family weve had loads of troubles for months, i knew nothing.

i left it, stayed up all night, crying my heart out.

the joint account needs cancelling for the mortgage, my mom rang his mom to get him to sit down like an adult so we can sort it out.

i went to his earlier today, burst into tears. we went upstairs to talk in private, he hugged me and held me but he had a 'wall' up, a defence, i pathetically begged and begged to just try to fix things, what things i dont know as he hasnt still given a reason. im willing to do anything. i love him, i will alwasy love him. he finally went to say he love... then his mom barged in, instantly this wall went back up, is there a 3rd person? either his family or someone else, even though he swears blind theres no one else.

the only problems i know of us having is a small sexual one, we dont have alot of sex due to a problem he has with his hormones. i get quite fustrated sometimes but never make him feel bad. i try not to anyway.

hes not one to class sex as something important and neither am i

i cant believe its gone from great to everything being ruined.

i cant get my head around the fact that he doesnt want me anymore. theres got to be a reason...

i cant handle this, im taking it very badly

im trying to get him to talk but he wants a few days, fair enough, but i dont want to leave it to late to try and work things out.

and im sick of family and friends saying "your too good for him" "his loss" "plently more fish in the sea" i dont care, i dont want to hear all that because i just want him and only him, ive given my evrything to him, i do everything for him. its like everythings been thrown in my face. i cant be with anyone else in that way, we always joked that if this ever happened id become a nun. thats when we thought this would never happen...

i fell like hes just got bored of me and has threw me out with the rubish.

i need help, advice, a hug, anything...

i propabally havent covered everything but my heads so messed up right now.

2

*big hugs*

Butters, I'm really sorry that you've had to go through this. It seems like all this emotion is still raw and may be for quite some time. I really think that you shouldn't blame yourself for this at all! That's the number one thing that you really shouldn't do. It does seem a little chaotic expecially as you weren't expecting it. I do think some space will do some good. I understand you're bowled over by the shock and just want clarification. I think it's easy to give all of yourself to someone leading to some dependance which to be honest even I have done with my relationship although it can be really disastorous when you break up.

I'd really suggest and advise that you take this time to do more for yourself. For a start do anything/everything to take your mind off it. Go out with friends, even if you feel like crying, go watch a horror or a comedy with friends. When you feel like it's bearable- then try and pamper yourself. Do all the stuff that you as an inidvidual want to do. Don't identify yourself as a part of a couple only (if that makes sense). I'd also really suggest going to the gym and working out that excess stress. Exercise is really one of the best ways to get yourself feeling better. I know I'm suggesting all this while you may feel completely "wrecked" somewhat. Try and write a letter expressing all your feelings and confusions to him even while he's on this break. I agree this is really not fair on you but to be honest, like you, I have no idea what he might be thinking.

I really hope you feel better soon. Feel free to email me via the mail in my profile. Although even having a good friend by your side may help better.

3

I'm not really sure what to advise for the best and you probably don't want to hear this but at least he has told you his feelings before the mortgage/house, babies etc came. I know that doesn't make it feel any better and I won't say 'his loss' or 'you're too good for him' because I don't know him from Adam, but your family are probably just trying to make you feel better.

I hope you get to speak to him soon so you can sort out what's going on and find out what's actually going on in his head which in turn might hope make some sense for you.

In the meantime just try to deal with it the best you can and don't worry about trying to cope with too much all at once. Small chunks.

I offer you unlimited virtual hugs and I hope you feel better soon x x x

Angel x

4

thank you for the reply, anything im grateful for.

i feel winded. ive hit an all time low, i cant see another day, if you get me. now everythings been ruined. i dont see a future at all.

i met up with my closest friend after i went to see him, shes recently gone through a break up but is now with someone else, so theres light at the end of her tunnel. but like i said, even in the future, i dont want, need anyone else. in my eyes he was the one, he tole me i was.

im trying to take my mind off it but whatever i do i just cant, i felt so terrible a couple of hours ago, i was stupidly trawling google for advice on how to fix things. i feel pathetic.

theres something holding him back from letting me in, i just cant figure out what.

a friend said he just doesnt know what he wants and hes treating me like this and setting up barriers so its easier on him.

but i know him better than anyone, i never thought he could do this to me, hurt me this much.

everything sound cliche and stupid but it just doesnt feel real, i feel ill wake up tomorrow from a nightmare and everything will be okay.

i cant get my head around how he can change like this in such a short space of time.

ive tried to get thru to him, but all i can find myself saying, is "please dont" "please just try" "im so sorry for everything" "please please please please!!" "why?"

to which he has no answer.........

i just want to curl up in a corner and die.

5

Iam sending a hug and a song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bs0r-CP9Lso

This song really helped me when I was struggling after a breaking up few days ago. it helped me to realised that there is future, although the first few steps will be hard and I am fall and I will have to get to my feet again.

I think writing a letter is a good thing. It helps you to sort your feeling. You dont have to send it, but it could help. Also spend lot of time with friends, do what you wnt to. Start something new.

And leave few days before approaching him. You are very emotional now and this would not solve it. In few days you may have better chances to communicate to him. Or if you want to do it now, write it. It would be less stressful for both parts, I guess. And give you time to better formulate your thoughts as you would have time to think the reply over.

Good luck and if it does not work out with him, trust me, there is future. Maybe not immediately with a man, but there is always future and new challenges.

6

i hope that when he decides he wants to talk about it, that he can open up like he used too, weve never had communication problems, but he couldnt tell me something like this before letting it get to this point...

ive told him on occassion i have felt as though i can not be in the relationship anymore, but weve talked things through, even without talking i still couldnt bring myself to hurt him like that so i just worked at it, and things got better.

i think i need closure the most.

thats whats torturing me. the fact i dont know why.

i dont know whats worse, the fact theres no reason, or the fact theyve left for someone else.
atleast when theres someone else, youve got a reason.

another thing i forgot to mention was the fact im having troubles in my job, with bullying and harrasment. ive just applied and been offered another job....where he works.

i dont know where his consionce has gone.

thank you for the replies and virtual hugs xxx

7

thank you laveila. im sorry to here your going through a break up aswell.

a letter sounds like it could possibly help, even if i dont send it. everything ive wrote down here, i keep reading through, and its starting to sink in.

maybe if possible i could give him the letter when he decides when he wants to speak, maybe it will help, maybe it wont.

but its worth a try.

8

Butters,notallsweetandinnocent! wrote:

thank you laveila. im sorry to here your going through a break up aswell.

a letter sounds like it could possibly help, even if i dont send it. everything ive wrote down here, i keep reading through, and its starting to sink in.

maybe if possible i could give him the letter when he decides when he wants to speak, maybe it will help, maybe it wont.

but its worth a try.

oh it is ok, we were actually able to sort it out. in the end. so it is all fine now. in our case it was lack of communication which caused it and we really feel for each other, so we just decided to give it another chance. we were both missing the other too much. And we used email to actually talk it through before a skype talk. As the email gives you time to formulate the reply, while in real time communication there could be bit more pressure.

9

aww thats good to hear. i just hope, not being a bitch in saying this, but that he'll come to his senses.

i just fear he wont. hes very easily influenced by other people. and if there saying get over it, blah blah blah, he'll just go along. he;ll never think for himself or stand up and disagree with anyone but me,

i could write an email but he probably woulnt read it or if he did he wouldnt reply, or just say "well talk later"

ive just thought, when we first starting seeing eachother and fell "in love" he asked me to write him a list of why i loved him. theres like 500 reasons on it. i dont know whether to hand that over to him, if it would maybe help,

if i write a letter, i could possibly write down everything. my side of events, asking whats his, compare, including things hes said, text me, things weve done, memories weve shared.

maybe he needs his memory jogging.

in writing this i feel pathetic again. but if it has the slightest chance of helping maybe i shouldnt care how ridiculous i sound...

10

thank you for taking the time to reply. i do really appreciate it.

i think ive ran out of tears, i start to well up and nothings comes, im beginning to feel numb instead of pain.

im i know im not the only one to go thru it, thats why im asking just to talk about it, maybe people can help, people who dont knw us, so wont say "your better off without him" "hes an arsehole" blah blah blah, i know he can be an arse sometimes but hes better than anyone ive ever met. hes also my best friend. im sorry to hear what happened to you. thats cowardly. sorry to bring it back to me, but thats all he keeps saying, that "i cant", why are men cowards...

i think im gunna go for the letter, then he cant just try and block out what im saying, because its there, like you said in black and white.

thank you again x

11

Butters, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this, but the best I can offer is a quote - "When you're going through hell, keep going."

It will hurt for a long, long time, and you will never be the same person again, but don't give up on yourself. If you make sure you look after yourself, and let the people who care about you look after you too, then you will get through this a stronger and wiser person.

If it helps, you can try and find out what his problem was, but I think a lot of men are very good at smoothing things over and essentially hiding their true feelings for fear of upsetting people. It's only when they reach a crisis, or things become too much to bear, that they snap and the repressed emotions escape all at once. It sounds to me like the impending pressure of planning your future together has forced him to ask himself whether it's what he really wants, and the more he tries out the idea in his head the more he realises that it wouldn't be right for him. It's such a shame for you that he led you to expect him to follow through on his plans, and I agree that it's the very least he should do to give you the satisfaction of talking it through maturely, but it sounds like he's made up his mind.

The really important thing here is that he realised this before you got married, before you bought a house, and thank goodness before you had children to consider. Ending a relationship is one thing, however painful, but splitting up a marriage - a family - is very different. If you can work out how to communicate with him about this, it will help you in the long run, I promise. Communication is so important.

Please take care of yourself. You are worth it, and the numbness will fade. Just be aware of how you truly feel, and don't settle for anything less in life than the absolute best.

All the best,

MrMr

12

thank you mrmr. im glad theres atleast one male p.o.v. all my friends do in these situations, i done it myself with them. "men are arseholes" so on and so fourth, it was luke that made me realise this isnt true. he wasnt like anybody else.

i know i need to pick myself up, but i just cant bring myself to do it. i havent got the energy, loads of friends have said to go out, meet up. but i just cant, i dont feel like im even awake, i dont feel like im here, or thats its happening.

ive written the letter, black and white. just took me 4 hours, i didtn brainstorm it, i didnt include everything because it leaves nothing to say to him in person. i mentioned that id posted here, and worte my first message in the letter and the link to see it if he wants to. i just let the words flow, i did get angry, but i think he needs to know every emotion.

i just dont know whether to send...

its envoloped and 1st class stamped...

im just hesitant...

i know it seems that its better that he did it now. but i know him, no matter if hes trying to convince himself, i know he wanted those things, i just think hes chickened out. being a coward. or letting stupid nothing tifts get the better of him. he has mood changes all the time and struggles with things, ive been there for him everytime. but he just couldnt tell me, i dont know why. we could have worked at it together.

i know im not to blame anymore, but i still feel the need to say sorry for the fact he felt that he couldnt talk to me.

i just need more time to start looking after myself. ive never done it, ive always run myself into the ground looking after everyone else.

i cant find anything to do to take my mind off it, because all i did was everything for him, as a couple, even pamper myself, i only bothered so id look nice for him.

i feel somewhat better for letting the words flow and writing it down, its releaved some tension. but it wont last.

im staring at this letter listening to sad music, songs he used to sing to me, what should i do?

xxxx

13

Hi

I'm really new here and don't want to butt in where I am not wanted, but just wanted to say that I'm thinking about you and I'm going through the same too. Friday the same thing happened to me, so I understand how raw and distraught you must feel,

Big Hugs

Annie xxxxx

14

OK, first, the male p.o.v. is because I've felt the pain and depression of being dumped by someone I thought was the ONLY person in the world I'd ever have feelings for, and that takes time to heal. But also I've got a bit of an insight into the pressures of relationships and how hard it can be for men, particularly, to communicate. I'm guilty of that myself quite often.

So, I've been sort of where you are now, and I didn't handle it well. Actually, to tell the truth, 15 years on and I'm only just starting to undo the damage to my self-esteem and life - it may never get totally better, and a dose of perspective and healthy recovery all those years ago would have sent my life on a different track. Please don't be like me. Live your life well, and you WILL get through this.

So, yes, you do need to pick yourself up, but do it in your own time. You also need to work through the grief of this break-up and the betrayal you feel in the way it was done. Before you've done that, no amount of cheery activities will start to make you feel better.

You are absolutely right about looking after yourself. It is the most important thing you can do either when you are single or in a relationship. Stop doing things because other people want you to, and start putting your own health, happiness, career and future first. If you were looking after yourself ONLY for him, well, that's not too healthy either.

The best advice I can give you is to sit down and try to figure out what you need to be happy, as a single person in total control of her life. No limits, no "but"s - what do you need? What do you want? For you. Then take a look at this list and figure out how to start doing the most important things on it, even the ones that seem crazy or impossible. Build yourself a life you can be proud of, and by doing that, build your self. I can't guarantee you'll meet someone else you feel the same way about, maybe ever, maybe for years, but I know that if and when you do, being happy in yourself is the best way to build a happy relationship. And in the mean time, you can be self-reliant.

So, grieve, get whatever closure you feel you need, and then set your priorities in order. Every ending is a new beginning, and the rest of your life starts HERE, with more freedom and experience than you had before. Use it. THEN go out, meet your friends, have fun, and tell them all your crazy plans - hey, guess what? I want to travel to South America and open a FIsh & Chip shop! And then I'm going to knit hats for charity! :)

I hope you make it, whatever your dreams, but I know that going for it will bring you more satisfaction than you can even believe exists right now. Good luck.

MrMr

15

Hi Butters

I split with an ex partner a a few years ago and I am sure he felt pretty much as you do now.

But how ever muhc it hurt I know I still did the right thing. I tried to love him the way he wanted me to, i tried to be the person he wanted me to be but in reality I really could not do either of these things.

If I had stayed with him life would have been ok I am sure but there would always have been had something missing.

Ending the relationship was awfulnot jsut for us but we had a child together and I really thought this relationship would see us into our old agebut after our child was born he changed, then he went to work away form home and was never here. We grew apart and I knew I wanteda relationship that was about growing together not apart.

When we split many people felt I should have carrie don working at it but I could see no future in it for us.

Now i see it was the right descision.. we have have moved on and we both have lives we are happier with.

THe hurt as raw and all consuming now but take a step back and see what happens...

It could be he has had a moment of panic with the whole idea of settlingdown,buying a house an dgettign married or he has realised this is not where he is at right now. Either way only time will show you what is going to happen now.

Try to you spend time with those who care for you, indulge in some serious you time and give yourself time before you make any huge descision or do something you may in time regret doing x

16

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I've not long ago just split up from my partner. But i had my reasons to do so, you know he didnt make me feel good in bed so we didnt have sex for ages, never complimented each other, we were just together for company. I know you say your relationship was fine, but he hasnt explained why he has split up from you.

We had been together for almost 8 yrs, i have always thought i would always be with him, we have only had this flat for just over a year. Until someone else came on the scene things then have changed, i've met another twit and had to end the relationship i was in. I was pretty shocked with what i have done in just one year, i thought i would never be the one who would call it a day cos of maybe my hormones or actually this might work with this other fella.

You never know, this might happen to you. you might find someone perhaps him splitting up from you was a sign. I am not saying you should get into another relationship straight away. But find a fuck buddy perhaps, someone to make you feel great and happy. find a few fuck buddies, but men you know so you can also talk about your bad experience maybe. you may then find yourself in a relationship with one of them.

As i said, i never thought i would find someone else. But you never know whats around the corner Hun.

Take care of yourself X

17

I hope you're feeling better than when you first started the thread Butters.

I relate to your situation 100%, a few months ago I was dumped with almost identical reasons. Everyone said to me at the time that 'time is a healer'. Which sounded like utter bull at the time, but it is so true.

To help me I gathered everything up that I'd kept that we did togther, photos, concert tickets, train tickets, restraunt receipts etc and stuck them all in a box that I gave to my mum to keep so I couldn't keep trying to 're-live' all the memories, which was just making me more depressed! I also cleared everything digital up and stuck it on a computer 150 miles away which I can only access when I actually want to!

I was still completely infactuated and in love with her until she moved out of our flat, she pretty much 'stole' everything that we'd bought together with our joint account, I'm actually really glad she did. I was THAT pissed off that I went from loving her to hating her within minutes!

I promise you that time will really heal you & in the nicest possible way, I hope he does something that makes you turn from that feeling of love.

x

18

Wish i had some words to make the pain go away.... hope me sendin a big hug in your direction helps a little! xxxx

19

I really do feel for you but what I am going to say isn't the nicest BUT it has to be said.

NEVER beg, it never makes a situation any better, it passes you off as desperate and no one is turned on by it. He's made his mind up, if he had changed his mind, you would know by now. Your mum is making matters worse, NEVER have a 3rd wheel interupt into a private matter like this.

TBH after reading your post, I really do feel for you but I can't see him coming back with the combination of your mum, you begging and basically putting pressure on him. You really want him back, don't contact him, walk right away.

I've been through 2 break ups in my life, which have effected me in different ways. My first love, I got with when I was 16, we split when I was 21 and it was hell, even now that I am turning 30, I can safely say I still love him, in love with him? No but there is a place in my heart that will always be there for him. He made those few years together, feel life 3 lifetimes,w e lived, laughed, loved and well................I couldn't see the signs of splitting up, not until a few years later, when I looked back at things, I realised what had gone wrong.

You'll heal and move on, if he's walked away now, he isn't the one for you x

20

Hi Butter,

This is from me...

>>>> BIG HUG <<<<

I'm not too good at this but just want to say that whilst you have had lots of advice which you or may not take, it seems like you have quite a few people who care about you.

Whilst it is natural to want to get back to the way it was, it was not actually the way you understood it to be. In that sense you are now better off as you are not under any illusion.

Try and give yourself 10 minutes where you put all the hurt and anger in a 'box' and focus on something that you used to enjoy doing by yourself. Just for a few minutes, to give yourself a break from the grief.

When I'm at a low point, this song always helps me:

Some things in life are bad, they can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble give a whistle
This will help things turn out for the best

Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the right side of life...

Trust me, there is one. Honest.
Hugs.