I've never been uncomfortable or awkard with sex or talking about sex. I've had an active and happy sex life since I came of age and all my previous partners were, to varying levels of ability, good and considerate in bed. However, my current boyfriend who I've been with around 4 months now is... I don't want to say selfish, but very dominant and a bit thoughtless.
I love him very much and hes a really lovely guy who treats me well, but sexually it's very much a 'hes boss and I'm his toy' situation. I don't mind him taking control, I enjoy rough sex, throat fucking, anal, facials, hair pulling, slapping, scratching and even choking. Basically I will do everything and anything he wants. But I miss having an orgasm. I haven't had one with him yet and when I managed to mention it he said "I hadn't really thought about it". I've realised I don't really feel comfortable asking for anything with him because I feel like a subordinate.
All my exs went down on me and thats the easiest way for me to have an orgasm, but he's only done it the once and I felt he was just doing it because he felt obligated so I felt so guilty about him doing it that I couldn't relax and didn't cum. I've started to think of eating pussy as disgusting and something that shouldn't be expected... yet I suck his cock about 3 times a day if not more?
Urgh, some advice please? Do I just accept responsibility for my own orgasm and stop worrying? Do I demand something off him? If so, how do I do that without sounding like a bitch? What do men think of this, does your partner orgasm matter to you?
Whether or not your patner is dominant in the bedroom, i still personally believe its reasonable to receive aswell as give, sex is a two way thing, and both parties deserve to enjoy it.
I think the only thing you really can do is talk to him about it hun, and if he refuses or responds in a similar manner as before, i'd withold the blow jobs until he becomes a little less selfish in the bedroom, and its possibly time for you to start being selfish, and as a previous counseller of mine told me, it's ok to want to be selfish from time to time for your own good.
The word selfish has taken on such a bad meaning these days, whereas its actual meaning is just to want to do good for yourself.
You deserve to enjoy sex too darling!! And don't feel bad about wanting to resolve these issues, leaving them, is what turns them into deal breakers xxx
Thanks for the advice Morbidia - I really don't think witholding blowjobs would work though. When I've tried to talk to him before he seemed genuinely confused as to what the problem was. When I said it bothered me that our sex life seemed to be about me doing alot to please him and not getting any satisfaction myself he seemed suprised and said "Is that really a big deal to you?". I'm really not sure how to approach the subject without sounding like a nag, a demanding bitch or making him feel inadequate thus defensive. The tricky thing is I've never ever been submissive to any man before in my life, now that my role as 'direction giver' has been taken by someone else I'm a bit lost as to how I go about getting something I want.
Darling, sometime's men honestly don't see what to us, appears so obvious. On many occasions when I've had (what seemed to me) a huuuge issue with my partner, and I have on occasion got really upset, as I felt like my OH was oblivious to it, and sometimes i felt like he was deliberately doing this, but i've realised, if i don't tell him about an issue i feel we're having, he'll never realise that there is one.
And if he responded with "is that really a big deal to you?", respond with the same, ask him would it bother him if the situation was reverse, see if he can empathise with you, and can understand what he would feel like if he wasn't getting pleasure when he was putting all the effort in.
And i totally understand what you mean about it being the first time you've been submissive, it's the same here, and if it's something you're not used to, it can be difficult to try and re-assert yourself.
If you were in your same position, of being dominant, what would the dominant "you" do/say? xxx
I think witholding sex is a petty option, once you fall into that trap its going to be very easy to use it in other ways that will damage your relationship more. Plus, he'll probably get a bit sulky and not be the most responsive to reasoned discussion.
Just because he's normally or currently dominant in the bedroom doesn't mean it has to be like that all the time, turn it around! Speaking from experience sexually confident women are very hard to refuse. Dress up in something you know he likes and get what you want. I'm not saying this is a long term solution but if he sees you in that new light things might change.
Failing that introduce toys that are likely to make you cum or self stimulation during sex. If all of that fails I think he's being ridiculously unreasonable. Don't think of oral sex as disgusting either, thats madness, have a search on here and you'll see how both the men and women of the forum adore it.
Thanks for the advice Morbidia - I really don't think witholding blowjobs would work though. When I've tried to talk to him before he seemed genuinely confused as to what the problem was. When I said it bothered me that our sex life seemed to be about me doing alot to please him and not getting any satisfaction myself he seemed suprised and said "Is that really a big deal to you?". I'm really not sure how to approach the subject without sounding like a nag, a demanding bitch or making him feel inadequate thus defensive. The tricky thing is I've never ever been submissive to any man before in my life, now that my role as 'direction giver' has been taken by someone else I'm a bit lost as to how I go about getting something I want.
If you were being given pleasure in return would you be happy as a submissive in this relationship. The confusion seems genuine here and I'm curious as to how much he actually knows about the female form and how much it matters that both partners feel satisfied. Perhaps a little education would be in order, broached in a non-sexual situation, I'd also be tempted to ask him the same question he posed to you, would it not matter to him if the situation was reversed? How much does he actually know about female orgasm and has he had previous partners?
Miss V Reading your posting I can only think what a lucky man your OH is in having a partnr that is happy to try so many different activities, And three BJs a day- wow!
As a bloke I find nothing more exciting or fulfilling than my OH reaching orgasm, be that through oral or penetration. I would think that suggesting to him that he can enjoy your orgasm with you, by him stimulating you through oral as part of foreplay, or perhaps with a vibrator as part of a massage before penetration could help. Making him feel that your orgasm is something to share, and something that he can give to you, which can then lead to more thrilling penetration may help in pursuading him to be a more fulfilling lover. This way he will feel involved in your orgasm, and you should achieve the orgasm you deserve.
A word of warning, any threat of witholding sexual satisfaction to him due to his failure to help you achieve orgasm is likely to be a very poor (and counter productive) step to take. The key is to make him feel that he is an integral part of your orgasm- it will at the least stroke his ego!
I know it sounds a bit prejudiced, but I think its partly to do with his age. All my previous partners have been 30+ with some experience and sensitivity... hes 24, sex is still an extension of masturbation using a woman rather than his hand. I think he may still be unsure if women are supposed to have orgasms or not.
He knows it an issue, we've had a conversation about it before which almost escalated into a row with me becoming so mortified and embaressed I totally clammed up and him getting insulted and confused. It was after that when he made his one and only attempt at getting me to cum, part of which involved him actually demanding I do it which was extremely off putting. I think hes of the oppinion hes made his effort and thats it over with.
Hes really not the kind of person I could use reason like "How would you feel" on, he'd think I was trying to make him feel bad. Hes very sensitive and easily offended.
If I were the dominat one in the this relationship this wouldn't be an issue. Firstly, I've never been with a man who didn't sincerely want to please me, and secondly if they didn't I'd tell them. Not in a cruel way, just a "The jobs not quite finished yet" kind of a way. But I've no idea how to say that to someone I'm not the boss of lol. If the situation were reversed and it was my partner who wasn't satisfied... well, thats would never happed. I would, and do, do just about whatever the hell is required in order for my partner to get off... and some of thats stuff in the past has been digsuting, degrading, painful or downright traumatising. But they always got satisfaction lol and it was okay because so did I. But not now.
When i said about witholding, it was an example, as i stated later, i was trying to explain the issue of empathy, try and help him understand where she's coming from and how she's feeling.
sxe_couple21 - Yes I agree witholding sexual acts would be counter productive, I don't wish to 'manipulate' him into pleasing me, I'd rather he actually want to do it. I have alot of issues with self confidence and body confidence these days which is why I'm so receptive to sex which objectifies me, it feels safer. I think dressing up and taking the lead might actually work, as I can't see him outright refusing to do something, I just find myself scared mute by the idea of taking charge.
Rowan - I think he'd feel terribly patronised by being 'educated', though he is clearly lacking in understanding of female sexuality. Yes, I am happy as submissive, just frustrated and feeling kind of neglected and uncared about. He has had previous partners but I know little about what they did together. Most of them were quite young so probably not very helpful as regards 'learning' and probably never asked or expected much from him.
duvetmonster - I actually laughed when I read your suggestion of him using a vibe on me as part of a massage. That would never happen. He might fist me prior to penetration... but massage? No way. He is not a gentle lover, he's more like brutal. Really our sessions tend to involve him yanking me round into all sort of positions by my hair and sticking his dick in whichever hole is nearest. To be frank with you, it would look appalling to someone who didn't know I was concenting - some of it is quite 'edgey'. But dispite how that might sound I really am fine with it, I enjoy pleasing him, alot, and get a thrill from the fact I next to never say the word "No". Feeling like a sex doll can be quite nice, and he is appreciative as he's said its amazing to be with a woman he can do whatever the hell he feels like with. I don't want anything to stop or change... just for some thing, for my enjoyment, to be added. And not sure how to ask.
It is not an age thing Miss V, sadly. My hubby's 22 (was 21 when we began sleeping together) and my pleasure is a big part of his, especially when he's dominant. Youth is not an excuse to take advantage of a partner. May I ask how old you yourself are? Has he been harshly criticised in the past to make him so over sensitive or is it just a part of who he is? Why did you become mortified and embarassed in the previous attempt to raise this issue? He is lucky to have someone willing to work through this with. x
It is not an age thing Miss V, sadly. My hubby's 22 (was 21 when we began sleeping together) and my pleasure is a big part of his, especially when he's dominant. Youth is not an excuse to take advantage of a partner. May I ask how old you yourself are? Has he been harshly criticised in the past to make him so over sensitive or is it just a part of who he is? Why did you become mortified and embarassed in the previous attempt to raise this issue? He is lucky to have someone willing to work through this with. x
Perhaps I shouldn't have specified age - its more like experience. Older men will have had not practice and time to discover their shortcomings and work on them. In your case your lucky to have a partner who perhaps does not have many shortcomings to work on.
I am 20 but have been very sexually active from the age of 16, mostly with much older men. That sounds odd reading it back, but really it wasn't, I was just very comfortable and happy to sleep around (safely) and my preference was for older men.
I really don't know much about my partners sexual history, though in his life generally yes he recieved alot of criticism and is very quick to become defensive. Its an issue in all areas of his life.
I became embaressed talking about this with him previously because I felt my problem was small, petty and that I was making a selfish fuss over nothing. I began feeling like it was just my problem and perhaps something I should be ashamed of because I was inadequate. The female orgasm isnt necessary and serves no perpose, I felt humiliated even having to admit I wanted one... basically I just started to get very neurotic about it.
Hi Miss V. Not wishing to offend but disregarding sub/dom issues this fella sounds selfish girl! If you cannot reason with him how will you ever negotiate or discuss anything what so ever? If my daughter brought a chap home of that ilk i'd strongly advise her to get rid girl! You can do better! SG69 (in peace) x
Hi Miss V. Not wishing to offend but disregarding sub/dom issues this fella sounds selfish girl! If you cannot reason with him how will you ever negotiate or discuss anything what so ever? If my daughter brought a chap home of that ilk i'd strongly advise her to get rid girl! You can do better! SG69 (in peace) x
Breaking up isn't an option I want to consider. Also, if I start leaving men because I can't resolve issues with them I'll probably be alone quite alot of the time. This is largely my problem, he is selfish in a thoughtless kind of a way - but I enable him and it's my neurosis about getting what I want that has turned it into a problem.
He is very good to me in all other areas of our life, I could probably find a better lover but not a better all round boyfriend.
Thanks for your response anyway, its appreciated x
Communication is key in any relationship, without it, problems won't get resolved, if he isn't willing to resolve a problem whether it be on your part, his, or both, then you'll have a long unhappy relationship, and if my choice was an unhappy relationship, or to be alone a while, it take the latter. I've done the uncommunicative unhappy relationship, and it screwed me up real bad.
You guys have to talk about this.
(apologees in advance if i've written anything wrong, or worded anything in an offensive way)
It is not largely your problem Miss V, it is a difficulty in a relationship between two people. It sounds as though the problem of being unable to take sexual direction or advice is merely one manifestation of a deeper underlying problem. It is important for any healthy relationship (including sub/Dom ones) to be able to openly discuss things with your partner; sex, decisions, money, anything. I suspect that for things to work, and for his own good he needs to work on his reaction to constructive criticsim and to be a little less defensive, it's hard but not impossible.
I think its a bit strange that you have this really intenst sub/dom thing going on, that normaly only comes about by both talking and agreeing this is how they want there sex life to be... but also im sure that they dont go to the degree your taliking about 100% of the time.
maybe he is thoughtless, then by talking to him about it should make his relise and for him to start thinking about you. but if you speak to him and he doesnt change then i think that this will be a pretty unhealhty relationship.
and nearly everyone loves its dirty and hard but not every single time! there doesnt sound like you ever have sex in a loving way. between to people who love and/or who care for each other deeply.
if you cant talk to him about this, then your gonna get in a patten where you cant talk to him about anything and his always only going to get his own way. you really dont want to go down that rute trust me.
he sounds like his using you as his toy, how can you not think of the other persons pleasure when you are having sex with them? :S
he might be go in other areas in your realtionship, but things like this are pretty good indercators as to what a person is like and i worry it might show worse to come.
talk to him, if that doesnt work then i think you really should re think about weather you want to be with a man that doesnt want to give you pleasure and only thinks of himself.
Just talk to him. Does my partners orgasm matter? Of course it does. Sex is about mutual pleasure - not just one way. Perhaps he needs to be shown what to do?
What do men think of this, does your partner orgasm matter to you?
For me, and I'm sure for many men the answer is yes - rather more than my own orgasm because the big mental fix for me is in being able to make my wife orgasm.
Seems like you really need to talk it through. If he really doesn't like giving oral (a bit hypocritical if he is happy to receive so much of it) then tell him about what else works for you.
I think its a bit strange that you have this really intenst sub/dom thing going on, that normaly only comes about by both talking and agreeing this is how they want there sex life to be...
Dxx
tis is my thought too.
miss V, you say he's relativley inexperienced? perhaps talking to him about what being a dom is about, and talking about both of your perspectives on it. In my experience I have come across several "doms" who think the d/s relationship is all about the dominant partner's pleasure only.
it may make him uncomfortable, but i'm afraid as the toher posters have said, communication is the key.
please dont feel like your being selfish either hun, cause your not. it is reasonable to expect give and take in any relationship!