How do I explain my sexual experience, well here goes. This has never been shared with anyone, and after turning 30 I just want to get it out there.
So I had never been able to pleasure myself. Just put my hand on my cock you say? Nope, I've tried many times in the past. It never works. As a partial result of the above in my teens I experimented with urethral play, as well as self inflicting pain. Enjoyable, but never led to orgasm or ejaculation. I've always been single, and never attempted to hook up or sleep around. In a spur of the moment to lose my virginity I made a booty call once when I was 18 to an old college friend and in that one and only time I had ED and couldn't get erect for a week. Felt miserable at the time and nothing happened. In hindsight if I communicated how I felt it may have ended differently. Nothing much happens afterward.
Fast forward to three/four years ago. Decided I'd see if toys could help me. Tried going back to urethral play with some proper equipment. Again enjoyable, but didn't work.
Two years ago I see an advert for Lovehoney one evening. Start buying anal toys after reading about prostate stimulation. Very pleasurable when done right, but still no orgasm or ejaculation. Thinking I have a sensitivity issue I try Estim. Have a go many times and find it extremely pleasurable and actually ejaculate one time. Doesn't happen again. Try anal stretching, because why not. Again pleasurable but no end result. Two months ago splash out on new Estim. Hit and miss results initially, but recently get more results. I'm trying not to pleasure myself too often, because, well electricity, and have 50-60% success, however these sessions can still take two-three hours to finally ejaculate. Last one I ramped up the juice a little and took a little over an hour. So I am kind of happy about that.
However, I can't help but have concerns about my overall sexual health after this recent victory. Could it be I'm not that sensitive on the surface of my cock, and is that the result of my dash with pain in my teen years. Could I be naturally less sensitive. Even if not, how could potential partners feel if I either suffer from ED or I can't be pleasured enough to maintain an erection or finish in someone. Is my only way of pleasuring myself and finishing with the use of Estim. If so am I also reinforcing that dependence if I don't experience sex til much later. Finally, have I become so accustomed to not expecting/searching out sex that I have irreversibly ended up here, where sex may never result in anything due to any/all of the above anyway and that it is now a deep rooted psychological issue. In summary, am I physically broken, mentally broken, or both. That worries me. And would a partner be understanding of that.
Good morning Jeebs, I hope you feel a little weight off your shoulders for finally sharing your burden. I think that there are people out there that will be understanding of your issues and if they weren't then maybe a different should be sought. Unfortunately I don't have any great Pearl's of wisdom, my best advise is to seek professional mental health help. Your mental health can have a massive impact on your physical health. If you can open up to us you can hopefully now open up to a doctor. Wishing you all the best.
I agree with K&c30's, I think you may benefit from talking it over with your GP, and maybe popping to the GUM clinic and seeing if you can get a referral to a psychosexual counsellor. I've not used one myself but several members of the forum have suggested them in the past as they've found them incredibly helpful.
Are you on any medication at all? That can have a serious effect on libido, sensitivity, and performance. If so you could explore alternatives with your doctor. A small change can sometimes have a massive difference.
I also agree with K&c30's, and Ian Chimp. How you feel can definitely affect your body. You could also see an andrologist, they should be able to check if there is something wrong with your penis, sensitivity etc.
Yes, there are people who will be understanding. However, open and honest communication from the start is very important. I understand that this will be challenging, but it is worth it when you find the right person.
There are maaaany other ways besides ''penis-in-vagina/anus'' to be intimate and have sex with someone. Oral, using fingers/hands, toys, strap-on, even bdsm (you already have experience with some kinks!). Lovehoney has a lot of toys and accessories that can help. ;) When you find things that work for both you and your partner, it can be way more pleasurable than penetrating them with your penis!
I don't have a huge amount of advice but I just wanted to say how brave I thought you were for speaking out. I agree with the others in the fact how you are feeling on a psychological level can absolutely have an effect physically. Health professionals have seen it all, heard it all and will hopefully provide the best answers or at least help. I really hope you get somewhere!
Apologies for this necro update but I really wanted to share my personal victory, because I managed what I thought impossible!
So, as per my original post, but i’m now 31, and the only way I’ve managed to ejaculate is with Estim (which I discovered 2 years ago). I’ve used it maybe once or twice a week since then for the sake of safety and not ruining my body too much.
Tonight I decided ‘just try it’.
I tried my hand, and with plenty of lube, some porn, much patience and an hour later…I actually came!
I can’t express how positive it makes me feel. Most of my worries are gone. If I can do this, I dont need to estim, maybe there is still a sensitivity issue but not to make manual stimulation impossible, and potentially more important, actual sex.
Can’t put a finger on why it takes so long to cum, even with Estim the quickest I’ve ever been is maybe 45 minutes, the longest being nearly 3 hours. Guess that could be a good thing from another perspective.
As for all the advice I received. I have not been to the GP or a sexual health clinic or psychologist for these problems.
I feel my head is in the right place now at least, and that the other issues are at least partially
from a low sex drive, and too much porn relative to that over the years simply for the sake of watching porn.
I’ve definitely heard that some people can just take a long time to get there, and some partners love that.
I guess if you know that’s the case you don’t need to place expectation on yourself for quick results.
I’m personally really against porn as I think it’s exploitative and can have a detrimental affect on mental health / perception of sex. If you can find a way to replace porn with other forms of arousal it was definitely worth it for me in the long term.
