How to fully embrace Dom - Sub/Slave life

Sex Tips & Talk
21

Unfortunately a lot of people mistake dominance as having an ‘I can do what the fuck I want’ pass, and that’s really not the case.

In reality, the real one in control is the submissive. They set the rules and boundaries and the Doms just work within set parameters in that pre-agreed space. It’s an illusion of control and anything that crosses that barrier can (and unfortunately sometimes does) quickly turn into abuse.

Unfortunately for those who aren’t educated in the relationship they sometimes want this dynamic because they think it’s that free pass. Don’t get me wrong - free rein to do what I want, when I want, how I want?… on paper, I see the appeal.

I think that the ‘all the time’ dynamic can work if things are agreed beforehand as to what is and isn’t on the table etc, along with regular communication but I think it can be a minefield - especially if you’re inexperienced. You could also have specific elements that are ‘whenever’ like pre-agreed freeuse, but other things are only for certain times or situations.

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22

I appreciate all of the responses, but I do want to clarify that by saying “fully embrace”, I am not implying full-time. The simplest way to put it is, I want my wife to share in the excitement of BDSM, which to me includes, learning about the roles, techniques, toys, etc; sharing desires, experimenting, being open to new experiences, to have trust in each other, relaxing judgement, exploring the community, sharing in research, purchases. If you can tell, a lot comes down to communication. The reason I am thinking about it as roles is we in a way already are in them, just not in a defined way. And I think our lack of communication on the subject out of the actual sessions, hurts us through unequal expectations, limits etc. Im hoping that by defining it a bit, and thus, putting ourselves into roles, it helps define expectations, and will help open up the lines of communication as the dynamic will be there, but in the background, but at least if one of us asks for something, or says something it’s not out of the blue, and this, it should make it easier to actually talk. I was trying to say it simpler and I think I just rambled more. Maybe a TLDR would be:

I want to set roles so we have established expectations of what each other wants/desires and we can then communicate more effectively, and hopefully engage in all aspects of the scene more collaboratively.

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23

Can I ask in what way do you think specifying a ‘role’ would help vs just having an open relationship (in a sense of communication, not opening to other people) wouldn’t accomplish?

Sounds to me like you’re trying to get a label to this where there doesn’t need to be and all you’re actually looking for is clearer communication over what each of you wants and expects from the other?

24

As they say, it’s good to talk. Communication is key. Sharing what you want to do and yearn for is a great idea. She may not be keen though. Be ready for that, but it sounds like you are ready as you have met mismatched expectations before.

It’ll be good for you both to know where you stand, and what is the general direction of travel. Be ready for this to take weeks. Sometimes a seed planted can take a while to germinate. Sometimes it never grows.

25

Well, it’s a matter of expectations. Expectations are the backbone of communication and are extremely important for maintaining healthy relationships. Having misaligned expectations causes disharmony. So, to me, by defining or setting roles, you’re setting a foundation of expectations, that should lead to improved communication, trust, etc. Think of it like this:

Imagine two average people. Person 1 wants to try being spanked. They’re afraid to tell Person 2 because they don’t know how Person 2 will react, so they don’t share their desires. Now, they can try and have open communication, but, that still doesn’t set expectations. Now if Person 1 filled the role of sub, and Person 2 was in the role of Dom, and they had both discussed and agreed to this, then the expectations are set. In that same scenario above, Person 1 would expect Person 2 to respond positively to their desire, and they would also believe that Person 2 would have the expectation that Person 1 would share any of their desires, which further supports the decision to share their desire. Thus, improved communication.

And it’s not just for this type of scenario. Expectations define who what and why we communicate everytime we do. It’s when expectations don’t align that conflicts arise.

I want to set roles as a way of setting expectations as a way of improving those lines of communication.

Sorry for the very long and overly complicated explanation. It’s getting late and I’m tired lol. :joy:

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26

I think I understand what you’re saying. It sounds like you’re saying that you want to set an expectation that you have carte blanche, and your partner has to react positively to whatever happens?

27

I like a bit of bondage, restraints and blindfolds etc and we find it fun but If my hubby wanted me to be more subservient I think it would put a damper on it for me. Especially being told what to wear outside the bedroom. He might ask me to wear a short summer dress around the house but it is up to me if I do or not. If I knew he wanted me to be more submissive it would put me off doing even the fun things we already do as I would know he wants to go further than I am prepared to go and I might lose a bit of trust. Maybe my thinking is a bit weird but if he wanted me to be more subservient with him I would think he thinks of me as being less than equal and that does not sit right with me. Besides any kneeling or crawling on the floor would mean he would spend at least half an hour trying to get me up cos of my dodgy knees :grin:

28

@HusbandandWife_North can I suggest you and your wife install and use the Embrace app? Think of it like a shared journal for kinky couples. You can also assign her prompts on there. So say you want to ask, I don’t know, “how would you feel about encorporating domestic discipline in our marriage?”, you could set that as a prompt and she could answer within a designated time. Then you have something to go by for your discussion, rather than going in blank slate with no foundations.

Just an idea for you :slight_smile:

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29

Oh I like that idea. Thanks!

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30

No problem. Sorry I didn’t think of it before, I wasn’t quite sure what you needed our help with.

31

There’s so many good comments and info on here!

We have to remember that everyone is different, everyone has different levels and expectations of how the relationship should progress. That’s why communication is key.

I’ve read the Story of O quite a few times, and eventually you get to realise just how much control O has over her lovers - in spite of what she has to go through.

But I’m not O, I didn’t get into this lifestyle because of love for a man, I got into it because I was looking for more excitement in my life and new experiences. I agreed to be a submissive to a Dom, and signed his rather restrictive contract, because I wanted to give up my control and place it in the hands of someone else. I wanted my boundaries to be pushed, I wanted those new experiences.

I did have some amazing sex, I had some incredible nights out, I experienced group sex for the first time - initially with people I had already met. Looking back, yes, I was used, but that’s what I wanted at the time. In my eyes at least, I was never abused, although I know there’s a fine line between being used and abused.

It was only when he started involving complete strangers that I realised it was going too far, although I never actually used our safe word. The first time it was OK, I did enjoy it. The second time was just a disaster, that’s when I started trying to end the relationship.

That’s all well behind me now, although I still enjoy fetish events, and I still enjoy the thrill of being bound and (mildly) punished although only with my partner!

Once you’re on the BDSM bike you never get off, although you maybe slow down a bit!

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32

I wouldn’t agree that you never get off, I do know someone who was cheated on by her Dom and though she tried to find another, she ultimately couldn’t find that same level of trust or connection again and she left. She fills her life with other adventures now. Some stay, some give it up for good. It really is horses for courses :slight_smile:

33

Just thought I’d check back in. We had the conversation and to my delight she said yes. And, exactly as I was hoping (but didn’t expect it right away) she told me things she liked and wanted to try that I would never have guessed. We also did the carnal calibration, and bdsm test. Thanks all for your comments.

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34

So pleased to hear things went well for you. I hope your future is bright and pleasure-filled for you both :smiling_face:

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35

To me I adore the dominance stance and embrace it - but I don’t like the slave aspect - to me it’s the slave part is submissive

We do the usual things such as spanking / caning and that goes to pegging but other times I enjoy masterbating in front of him while he can only watch

In warmer months I enjoy piss play - I crouch over his face wearing my knickers and piss over his face - then he has to suck my knickers- and afterwards he either gets to wear them or I put them over his face

He enjoys dress up - maid / school girl or secretary and so we play dom/ sub where he has to lick me and then I bend him over spank him and then show my submissive by pegging

The best thing we do is to not allow him to cum - yes I can and do .. but he can only be released once a month or longer and he then gets to drink his own cum ( I wank him off into a syringe and then squeeze it back into his mouth)

Live your life and embrace

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36

I follow a lady who lives the slave life and I do often worry about quite how far she has gone into her slave mentality - it’s one thing to enjoy humiliation and differ yourself to others in the lifestyle, but to believe that everyone is above you, every day, and should be treated so? That smacks of low self-worth to me, and I know my Sirs would never encourage that in me. She (the Domme, they’re leabians) also tries to convince the neighbourhood into accepting their Dom/sub lifestyle in the streets as well, which isn’t okay with me - if they don’t consent freely, manipulating them into consenting is a dick move. I have thought about unfolllowing her a few times because their relationship makes me feel so uncomfortable, but I feel kind of obligated to stay and watch over her instead, almost like a big sister.

37

I know what you mean. I worry about people but all you can do is be there if they need help. Like when a woman i knew used to regularly get hit by her husband until one christmas eve he pounded her head against the corner of the kitchen tiles and then tried to strangle her all the while she was bleeding on the floor. She managed to get away from him and rang me. We went over and found her covered in blood (he had gone out) we took her to a&e and she had x-rays and stitches. She finally left him but i knew he was a nasty piece of work before she married him but you cant make them see sense until it hits them in the face, quite literally.

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38

Purely from what you’ve said, I would worry about where consenting to submission crosses into abusive suppression.

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39

Oh don’t get me started. I used to have a friend and I could tell her boyfriend was violent, he wasn’t loud or obnoxious but he was one of those quiet ones that you could just tell was willing to use violence to assert control. Of what I understand her son was being a bit of a handful (he’s since been diagnosed with ADHD) so he slapped him across the face. When she confronted him for the excessive force, he pinned her to the wall by her throat. I was understandably appalled with her, so I supported her in leaving him, put them up, fed them both, gave them somewhere safe and someone safe they could talk to etc.

The following week he’d said sorry and he was the best boyfriend ever again. She eventually started ditching on me and I told her I wished her all the best. I don’t think they’re together anymore, but still. It shows you really can’t save some people, no matter how much you may want to.

40

I really do. She’s introduced to everyone in her life as a sex slave and anyone who doesn’t know must know what she is, and potentially that she is available to them. She is whipped and spanked publicly for having an “attitude” too, even when it’s clear her boundaries have bewn violated. I have nothing against different dynamics but this is also a girl who dismisses those of us who live “vanilla” lives interlaced with kink sessions as roleplayers and not serious about our roles in BDSM - she is a full-time sex slave, has been “bought” and “sold” as such and therefore only she knows what “serious” BDSM looks like. She has no real job; she genuinely believes her sole purpose in life is to be a sex slave, and worse, she has male readers who objectify her as some kind of fantasy too. That’s why a part of me wants to wish her well but another part of me feels like she really needs help and care. I’m a submissive myself so it’s not that she is a submissive that bothers me, it’s that she seems to be too far gone with it all.