Hi all, I'm a 30 yr old male, and my wife is 28yrs old, been together for 10 years, married for 2. I am my wife's only lover and our sex life is reasonbly healthy. I would love to try new things in the bedroom but my wife isn't really into doing this sort of thing.
Even dressing sexy in stockings with heels seems like an effort, she will put them on but only if I have bought them for a special occasion and then they go into the cupboard and never see light of day again. She knows I love stockings and heels but would never dream of dressing up off her own back one night. Is there anything I can do to encourage her a little?
This will probably sound terrible but I'm thinking that perhaps because she isn't that experienced sexually that she hasn't really explored what she like etc. I just get the feeling that she isn't highly sexed and dosent feel sexy, so any advice would be welcome, and plus I just wanted to get some of that off my chest!
It sounds as if you're in a similar position to the one that I was in a few years ago. My wife and I had no experience at all before we were married, but we quickly learnt how to have satisfactory, albeit "vanilla", sex. At that time, my wife saw herself in a "traditional" role -- she regarded sex as something which would normally be initiated by me with her taking a passive role. I found this frustrating as I was keen to try more exciting options, but I didn't want my wife just to go along with these because she felt it was her job to do so -- in fact, I found this to be a big turn-off.
The good news is that, over the years, things have changed considerably for the better. It's been a gradual, step-by-step process, though. I started off by encouraging my wife to experiment with a vibrator. At first, she saw it as something that I would use on her, but gradually I persuaded her to take charge of it herself and, eventually, to use it on her own. One day, I was delighted to arrive home and hear my wife confess to me (whilst blushing) that she had felt the urge to use the vibe by herself and had done it. I think she was worried that I'd be upset, but I told her instead that I wanted her to do this whenever she feels like it. That seemed to be a turning point for our sex life as my wife started to put her own needs on the same footing as mine.
I could add plenty of other examples, but hopefully you get my main point that it's possible for these things to change, although this may take time and patience.
The other suggestion that I'd make is that you encourage your wife to feel sexy on a continuous and unconditional basis -- not just when you get into the bedroom. For example, give her kisses, cuddles, subtle touches, little notes, text messages, appreciation in any way that you can. I'm sure that you're doing many of these things anyway -- my point is to do them not in the expectation of sex as a reward, but rather as a way of building your wife's confidence and stoking her fire. You may then find that she starts to express herself!
My experience is similar to Cuddly Hubby's, although in my wife's case she seems perfectly aware of the other options such as vibrators, other toys and "kinky" varieties of sex - she just has no interest in trying them.
We seem to have hit an impasse, with sex being largely me "giving" and her "receiving" whatever it is we end up doing. She thinks toys get in the way, but says she wants me basically to have my way with her. As with CH, this is a real turn-off, and after so many years it's actually making sex into a chore.
I can't give you any answers, but you're not alone.
You no I went through this stage after having my children but it was mainly because of my weight. Not to get too personal but is there a possibility that is the problem. I felt so uncomfortable dressing up and even having sex at all because of the weight I had gained. The whole experience was so much effort. I tend to find if I think I don't look sexy I can't be sexy and if I don't think I look attractive I can't dress up and be flirty. For me and a number of women (my friends for instance) sex and sexiness are all the the mind to begin with
you've be surprise what a pair of fishnets, hooker heels and a flowing babydoll, can do to any figure. I'm cr@p with confidence but over the years, i've discovered what i consider to look good in/sexy and it works.
I wasn't confident at all but with one long term guy, i watched porn with him, we took small steps, from reenacting to dressing up. he took me out to buy outfits, mutual choice, made a weekend of it ;)
That the best when you have a guy you can trust, I have one as well but my own hang ups tend to be my worst enemy. My best friend has never had children but she is so embarrassed with her husband they never get further than missionary. Which I think is a shame as she has a nice little figure, maybe not size 8 but then that's not the norm. I think sex can be very personal to some women, certainly to me and it's important for me to feel. Sexy, if I don't I cant enjoy myself
Your wife needs confidence in the bedroom. Give generous compliments to her all the time; make her feel like a sex bomb and this will work mirracles. Don't forget, the best way for you to release her porn-star self is to take a video of your most erotic moments as a couple... add a bottle of wine and voila... great sex!!
It might not be that you're wife isn't into doing new things, just that she is a little embarrassed/unsure of how to put into words what she's thinking or what she would like. Also, you may be right that she isn't sure what she would like. I've been in both those situations and although I'm not exactly little miss confident now I am getting better thanks to a lot of coaxing and reassurance from my H2B. A couple of things that I found did help me were that we started texting sexy things during the day - ideas, fantasies, etc - and we explored the LH site together for things we both quite fancied. These things sort of woke up my sex drive by making me more aware of myself in a sexual light, if that makes sense. Perhaps things like thatmy help your DW? OBviously in a non-pressuring way.
It might also be worth sitting down with her (no kids around, etc) and asking if she is happy generally or if there's anything on her mind. Maybe there's something keeping her preoccupied and having the chance to talk it over will make her feel better?
You no I went through this stage after having my children but it was mainly because of my weight. Not to get too personal but is there a possibility that is the problem. I felt so uncomfortable dressing up and even having sex at all because of the weight I had gained. The whole experience was so much effort. I tend to find if I think I don't look sexy I can't be sexy and if I don't think I look attractive I can't dress up and be flirty. For me and a number of women (my friends for instance) sex and sexiness are all the the mind to begin with
I understand this from my wife's own comments. I think it's a real shame because (and you said this yourself!) sexiness is in the mind. I know that childbirth can play havoc with a woman's shape and weight, but I can say sincerely from the perspective of a man and a husband that a wife's maternal curves are lovely, alluring and still sexy.
I wish that I could wave a magic wand and get all women to accept that, if they feel sexy, then they are sexy. It seems to me that there's far too much needless self-doubt, pain and angst out there. Perhaps the same is true of some men as well, but my experience is that women are generally far more unfairly self-critical.
(Sorry if that began to sound like a rant. If it did, then please be assured that it was a well-intentioned one!)
You no I went through this stage after having my children but it was mainly because of my weight. Not to get too personal but is there a possibility that is the problem. I felt so uncomfortable dressing up and even having sex at all because of the weight I had gained. The whole experience was so much effort. I tend to find if I think I don't look sexy I can't be sexy and if I don't think I look attractive I can't dress up and be flirty. For me and a number of women (my friends for instance) sex and sexiness are all the the mind to begin with
I understand this from my wife's own comments. I think it's a real shame because (and you said this yourself!) sexiness is in the mind. I know that childbirth can play havoc with a woman's shape and weight, but I can say sincerely from the perspective of a man and a husband that a wife's maternal curves are lovely, alluring and still sexy.
I wish that I could wave a magic wand and get all women to accept that, if they feel sexy, then they are sexy. It seems to me that there's far too much needless self-doubt, pain and angst out there. Perhaps the same is true of some men as well, but my experience is that women are generally far more unfairly self-critical.
(Sorry if that began to sound like a rant. If it did, then please be assured that it was a well-intentioned one!)
I think its the result of the pressure women are more under, to be slim, to have perfect figure. And some guys would comment that woman who is bit overweighted is ugly pig and they would never touch her. Plus nasty comments of some other women regarding the figure - I am currently having this from my housemate, who is very slim and is trying to get me to very slim as well. She even went so far as being surprised a guy wants me! (I am size 14-16, so I am not that fat) I know that there are not that many people out there who do this, but having one near you and if you are self concious about you, then you are more likely to be hurt by such comments.
Actually lower self esteem was my issue before I met my current partner, he made me sexy, by constantly telling me how pretty I am and how he adores my body. I started to believe it. I dont usually wear sexy lingerie though, as I sort of I am lazy lol And I hate buying cloths - I always have nightmares about it and postpone it to the last moment possible. Even though I am sexually active, use toys etc. So the reason for not wearing lingerie may be just different, not only feeling sexy or not being experienced.
But if you want change, I guess my advice would be to give compliments on how sexy she looks and also show it with the actions. Kisses, touches, nice comments out of bedroom. Maybe try massage, etc.
Cuddly hubby Laveila Both of you make very good points. First of all cuddly hubby, my not being secure in myself IS generally all in my head, I know this. My hubby loves me to death and literally all I have to do is kiss him and he gets a hard on. So trust me after 6 years with him I'm in no doubt I still push his buttons. However I had a very controlling relationship at 18 with a guy 10 years older than me and he was obsessed with how I looked, what colour my hair should be, I was never allowed to wear anything other than heels. My life was Internally how he wanted it to be. I got out of that just in time but it has left its effects in my own thoughts about myself and what I should look like. Laveila Totally get youR point he as when I was in my early teens I suffered from puppy fat, I was just over a size 12 so definately NOT fat but I went through 3 years of bullying and believe it or not girls started it and the lads just joined in. My self worth is really increasing but I don't really believe I willbe happy at any other weight than what I was before the birth of my twins.
For what it's worth, I'll describe a little activity that I did with my wife which seemed to improve her body image and her sense of her own sexiness.
I asked my wife to strip naked and stand in front of our full-length mirror. I did the same and stood behind her, with my hands gently caressing my wife's upper body as an initial reward to counteract her natural embarrassment. When my wife seemed more comfortable, I encouraged her to start following my own gaze in the mirror as I feasted my eyes on her body, and I guided one of my wife's hands to lightly gauge the state of my erection without influencing it directly.
For the next few minutes, neither of us said a word, but we still communicated as my wife's eyes followed my own slowly and methodically tracking around her whole body and she felt the gorgeous effects that she was having on me. After a while, I sensed that my wife was getting turned on herself. I whispered to her to imagine herself inside my head, to look herself up and down in the way that I did, and to try to feel the same sort of arousal as me. It seemed like a silly instruction but, to our mutual surprise, it worked a treat as my wife hesitantly complied and then found herself feeling increasingly hot as she did so.
As you might imagine, we chose not to continue in front of the mirror for much longer that night. It was evident to me afterwards, though, that this little demonstration significantly improved my wife's perception of her own body and her sexiness. Perhaps that's because it wasn't just me telling her about it (as I had done many times before) but rather getting her to experience it for herself, first through my eyes and then her own. Now, when I tell my wife that she's sexy, she says "I know!" instead of blushing and mumbling excuses as before.
I don't know whether the same sort of idea would work for anyone else, but it might be fun to try!
mumol2, as someone who was bullied for 7 years I have to say that I am really sorry this happened to you. I know too well what it can do to your mind. What actually really helpded me was therapy with professional, as we taught me techniques on how to minimalise the effects it had on me. Cannot say its 100%, but I would say that I am about 80% better after it. Which is huge improvement. Maybe something to consider?
Have you tried talking to your wife about this? The key is good communication. She could be wanting to try new things but not know how to initiate it, maybe you could both watch some porn (seperatly) and any videos that you both like the look of, send the link on an email to the other. We did this and it worked out brilliantly! We also send eachother sometimes dirty, but mainly suggestive texts. About the things we would like to try, what turns us on, what you really like doing to/with your wife, what feels good, ask her what she likes and what feels good to her too. You could leave out your favouite or her bra and knicker set and attach a little note asking her to wear it for the day.
Have you also tried a "date night" where she can dress up and feel really good about herself, you go out for dinner or a movie, or even both, something that you both really enjoy doing, and then stay in a hotel, or go back home, feeling relaxed and confident might help her be willing to try new things.
You could also tell her something that you want to try, and see what she say's, if she says, "no i don't like the sound of that" or something along those lines, then ask her what she does like the sound of. If she can see that you are suggesting ideas that she may think are a little "outside the box" or "taboo" she might then feel more comfortable in suggesting things later on.
Maybe shes quite insecure about her body? If thats the case why not take her shopping (or look on the internet) for things that she wouldn't mind wearing. It may be worthwhile to talk to her first though and see if this is the reason.
If it is then you could encourage her to try different things, tell her you want her to feel good about herself because shes gorgeous and it wont just be for your benefit, if shes insecure about her bum for example maybe she could look at a babydoll which is slightly longer in length to cover it. If she tries it on and doesn't like it then she could keep trying other things until she feels comfortable in something even if it doesn't make her feel sexy. Once she gets her confidence with things that she just feels ok in then maybe she can start experimenting with other things she likes the look of and makes her feel a bit sexier. After a while you may find that shes willing to wear things that are more to your liking.
I think its possible as well that she just doesn't share your taste in things and she is willing to wear stuff like that occasionally but just not those particular ones. Again I would say its worth a talk to try to find out.
Laveila Thank you for that, I have spoken to a councillor when I was 22 and suffering badly from depression. To be honest it did help a bit but also brought up so many other issue I had kept buried that made me realise I went through hell at school. I think all these things really took an effect on me and then to top it off I got into a very abusive, controlling relationship at 18 that mentally and maturely I was not prepared for. I am happy now, I have a wonderful hubby, two amazing babies but life knocks still leave there bruises. I think when I put my weight on after the babies I remembered the taunts etc and it just put me in a very bad place. I don't want my babies with body issues so I'm getting my weight off now so that they can see the confident me. Plus I know that I will feel more secure, this has nothing to do with my hubby, he loves me to death. But even my parents have a way with words now I've put weight on. I've been told by my loving mother that my hubby will start looking elsewhere its he did not get with Me at this size. When he has said he loves me regardless of my size, my mother said, yes but for how long. Therefore I've had knock from all ends and I think that has not helped my confidence over the years