I have been married to my husband for 17 years and have three boys, 12, 8 and 4. Just before our third child was born I had an affair with a work colleague but we managed to get things back together but have since slipped again. We havent had sex more than once every six months for a couple of years and getting to the point need to do something as all my efforts are failing miserably. Any ideas???
Do you mean your advances are failing? Perhaps try a date night if possible get baby sitters etc
Even before you do date night you two need to sit down and talk.
You just need to be honest with each other and see if this relationship is going to last or whether you being together is for the kids sake only now.
There's no point kidding yourselves - just gave the chat and take it from there...
Sorry to hear that Secretary Clairey. Whatever has happened in the past it obvious that you are both working at it as you are still together after so long . Even without the challenges you mentioned the pace of life these days is a killer to the old libido.
Fitnessfreak makes a good suggestion. My OH and I introduced date night a while a go and it changed our lives. Having kids, both working, moving house etc etc just takes its toll. Date night isnt everyone's cup of tea but it made sure we wouldnt go a week without sex which is so important to us.
That aside, maybe working on intimacy rather than sex is best place to start, (kissing, cuddling, cheeky slaps on the bum in passing etc). Not even sure if thats an issue for you but just an idea (again something we worked at).
Whatever you decide, the biggest thing is to keep talking. Make sure he knows how you feel and try to get him to tell you how he feels. If you are both doing that and working as hard as you obviously are then there's no doubt you will crack it.
Best of luck. hhpe things get back to normal soon for you both. 
Sum Sub wrote:
Even before you do date night you two need to sit down and talk.
You just need to be honest with each other and see if this relationship is going to last or whether you being together is for the kids sake only now.There's no point kidding yourselves - just gave the chat and take it from there...
agree with Sum Sub there - talking is the key (and keep talking)
Thanks everyone.
We do talk and things seem ok, but when i try and get close he tends to ignore me. We have had date night which have gone well but still not lead to intimacy.
Date nights can work brilliantly, but for some couples it makes things worse. I suppose that depends on the personalities of the people involved.
Going the kissing, cuddling, cheeky pinch route is generally quite workable but you both need to have the determination to make it work. For example, sometimes it just doesn't feel right for one of you, so you have to have a way to defer the response without giving offence. That means you have to come back to your partner pretty soon to take up the thread, or they'll soon lose the urge to start anything.
It's no place for outmoded 'proprieties' - just because, say, one of you has always waited for a signal from the other, you have to move on from that and you do indeed need to talk a lot.
In my opinion, and you could take issue with this, I don't think it's a sitaution where you want to unload your deepest fantasies on each other as that will only make things harder (and not in a good way!). I believe it's better to focus on where each of you think things fall short so you have a chance of a simpler fix and increased mutual understanding.
If it turns out that all this is only highlighting your incompatibilities, then you may decide to draw stumps on the partnership, but do make sure first that you are both being honest about it. Starting a new relationship after a long-standing one has collapsed isn't as easy as it looks from the other side of the fence.
And finally, do make sure that neither of you is hiding some physical or mental impairment that can be treated to improve your health and happiness. People are buggers for soldiering on regardless when often small treatments or lifestyle changes can improve health and libido quite dramatically.
I agree with Subby. You need to talk about your relationship. Are you both actually committed to trying to fix it? Or are you now just staying together because there are children involved? Either way, before you could even begin to try and get things back on track - you need to know if you are both on the same page - especially as I'm getting mixed messages (your profile says you are back on the dating scene).
Perhaps relationship counselling is the way to go? Had this lack of intimacy been since your affair?
So I've read your other thread from when you were having the affair while your husband had a fractured spine (it's a long time a go so I won't voice my opinion on that!) but it seems you've had intimacy issues for a while, which you've aggravated by sleeping with someone else.relationship counselling is the only solution I can see tbh, do you know why do doesn't want to get close?
Secretary Clairey wrote:
Thanks everyone.
We do talk and things seem ok, but when i try and get close he tends to ignore me. We have had date night which have gone well but still not lead to intimacy.
Have you spoke to him about your needs/wants? Its really tough one but you need to be happy and as sub said you really need to talk it through that you would like to be close with him again, I find sex a really good way to get that closeness feeling and I can understand how it would feel without.
Actually I'm confused. Have you had two affairs during this relationship? Your previous post states you started the affair in May 2013 as a mother of three, but here you say before your third child. If you've repeatedly broken your husbands trust perhaps he still believes you're being unfaithful and can't bring himself to "share" what you need to remember is that this is really hard for HIM perhaps you need to focus on his needs.
I think the best thing to do is to sit down and have a good chat. Ask him why things aren't the same, and just try and communicate with eCh other. We don't know your husband, so unfortunately we don't know why things are the way they are, but you can find out. Best of luck.
Communication is key.
The hurt from cheating runs deep, is it possible the added stress of knowing you had an affair has contributed to him having problems with erectile dysfunction, leaving him unwilling to try for fear of disappointment and feeling inadequate to give you what the guy you had an affair with could?
Or he may be like me, unable to stand the thought of giving to you what you went and did with someone else behind his back, and just doesn't want to upset or lose the kids/it's going to cause a financial and housing mess etc if he left.
I think the best thing to do is talk to eachother. I only did this with my OH yesterday. Sometimes thoughh this can cause people to get a bit defensive so try to make sure he understands and doesnt perceive it as you basically saying "all this is wrong and its all your fault".
You cant work to fix something if you are both guessing at what the other is thinking or feeling xx
As others have said talk but maybe as many have also said maybe write things down this has been said before and has help people.
Write down how you feel and whats wrong and maybe let your husband read it, or maybe you re-read it so you can see whats really wrong yourself as then it will aslo be clear for you so you can work on the "problem" areas together.
Sometimes relationships get stale they need work but they also need lots of communication and understanding and trust.
Hope you can sort out your problems.
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