How to improve dull sex life...?

Hi All,

Been with my OH for around 25 years and we've only ever had straight vanilla sex. She has an extremely low sex drive (pretty much always has) has never masturbated (I've questioned this numerous times and she swears thats the case). I've told her that I'm very bored of this and as a result instead of one BJ a year it's now up to one a month if I'm lucky. Bought her some sexy stockings etc but she's only worn them twice in a year and only when I've "had a bit of a word".

I'm wondering what on earth I can do to get her a bit more interest. She says she loves me, says she fancies me still and OK I'm a little overweight but I'm a successful fairly attractive chap, but at wits end as to how to bring any sort of spark into our relationship let alone spice it up a bit.

Everything I mention I get a flat refusal :-( Anal is a complete no go and tbh she thinks I'm a pervert for wanting to do pretty much anything apart from straight penetrative sex. Shes a very good looking woman but says that she thinks she isn't and hints that that she feels it's wrong to dress sexily. I've mentioned watching porn, but that seems to be a no go. I've joked about swinging but I think I got a virtual thick ear for that one. I've told her a couple of times that our sex lives need spicing up and that I wished she get to know me better (eg she has no idea what sex drive - she was surprised to hear that I masterbate and seems to think that it's wrong to do so FFS).

Should I just thank my lucky stars that I at least get a shag once in a blue moon, or should I try to do more and if so.... what?

Should I just leave her and go in search of an easier life? I did hint a few times that I'd start visiting other ladies for BJ's and the only reaction I got was, "go for it" followed by that look that says I'll cut your nuts off while you sleep boyo if you ever think about it. It's at starting to be at the stage where I'm really resenting her.

Thanks :-)

Mr Very very VERY frustrated.

Hi Chelsea,

Thank you for responding :-)

No I definitely don't talk to anyone, let alone my other half like that, I do however naturally try to make light of my situation on forums :-) Probably a bit of a defence mechanism.

I can with all honesty say I've tried all the usual things like whisking her off to Paris and generally being a romantic and whilst yes it leads to a modicum of passion that really is about it.. you see I really think that her vision of what constitutes a perfect sex live is just the male initiates (not too often mind) followed by me going down on her, then missionary position for a minute or two, she orgasams first (always), then i'm allowed to, then sleep. I guess it's probably rare that it's a guy complaining that that is far too little, and indeed I do joke with her that she should leave the money on the side to which she replies, "i can give you a cuddle for a minute then I've got things to do".

I think my problem is, I've basically just submitted to her perfect vision of life for the past 20 odd years without thought of what I want and pressty much suppressed everything else.

I'm beginning to think your idea of counselling is the only way forward.

Thank you again.

If she's not too interested in vanilla sex I think it's a bad idea to push for more adventurous stuff e.g. anal and especially swinging. From what I've seen on here anal is something which takes a really long time to get into - months/years of intrigue from both sides of the relationship. I think you need to get her back into normal sex - dare I say making love? Sounds like she has low confidence so you need to get her used to the idea that she is sexy. Porn will make her feel inadequate - "those girls are all beautiful and love sex and my OH wants me to be like her; there's no way I can do it". Same as the sexy outfits - she probably feels exposed in them and lacks the confidence to feel sexy. Massages, date nights etc will all make her feel more appreciated and as a result more sexy. One amazing idea a friend once told me was he asked his OH to be naked/naked except an apron while cooking or just in general round the house. This was after a mastectomy and she no longer felt very sexy. After a few times she loved it and soon became just as confident as she always was.

In short I agree with Chelsea - put the effort into making her feel good and she will be far more likely to want a sex drive. Sorry if I have read too much into your post or caused any offence.

*EDIT* You just posted latest message lol. If she is indeed being selfish and you genuinely feel hard done by then you either need to talk about it in non-confrontational manner or try counselling.

Honestly hope things work out though, 25 years of marriage should be a great thing :)

Hi Wild,

Thank you ever so much for thatking the time to reply, and no way do I take offence; I really appreciate the reply. I've tried the getting her naked thing, and she has the most amazing body so it's not difficult for me to ensure that she knows that I think that... unfortunately she refuses to be naked apart from getting in/out of the shower. Even with sex she'll always want to keep something on due to "I feel the cold". We could be in 35degree Cyprus and she'd still "feel the cold". Can't win there I'm afriad.

The thing is, I've tried with most of what you've said over a good number of years, but it always seems that everything is always absorbed and taken from her side but nothing is ever recripocated. I think the only time I ever feel i've made some inroads is when I've finally stood up and left and stayed in a hotel... I think a huge part of my problem is that she is dominant and comfortable and that the only way I can change that is be standing up to her and letting her know that she isn't the queen bee so to speak, but because she has such a low sex drive and I think deep down she knows that she is good looking and has a great body she probably thinks she has to do very little to keep any normal man interested. Half my problem is that I'm so shallow that yes I love her body and am turned on by it but as I get older that alone just isn't enough.

As I say, thank you very much for getting back to me I really appreciate it.


You've complained that you are bored and you have had a word

None of that is going to make her feel good

You have suggested anal and swinging, which are so far off her comfort zone, they are completely unthinkable

You've clearly tried lots of nice things too.

The only things that ever stand ANY chance of improving the situation is making her feel good, confident and sexy about herself. That will never come from doing things to please you.

Tiny small steps. When you are having sex, tel her how beautiful and sexy she is, try to encourage different positions, look at her, admire her.

There is only so much you can do though if she is not willing. Criticising and complaining will only make things worse, Counselling may help, or you may just have to accept that this is the way she is

BDSM I think if you read his other posts other than his initial one your opinion may differ a bit like mine did. Definitely a tricky one :(