How to know if a guy wants friendship or a relationship

In uni I knew a few guys who appeared to be good friends at first then after a few drinks confessed they wanted a relationship. This usually lead to me ignoring them for a while until it all 'blew over' and then pretending it never happened (I love being single and am a massive commitaphobe). After uni I had a slump so I wasn't ever propositioned but now I'm back to persuing happiness and being my old self I have been getting the same problem again. Even someone I used to know has got back in touch.

When I go out drinking I know when someone is interested and I know how to handle it but when I'm chatting to someone I know I don't see it at all. It sneaks up and scares me. I'd love to hear what you guys think, how do you tell if someone who seems friendly is actually hoping something more will develop?

That's a tricky question! In my experience I've just known that things weren't quite on the "friendship" level, even if I was trying to deny it. It's happened to me with two guys and they just seemed more willing to go the extra mile than a friend necessarily would.

We'd go out for dinner and they'd pay, if we watched a film we'd end up sitting a little closer together than we probably should have done, we'd exchange quite a few texts and talk about in depth personal things.

But if you had a friend who did all those things, they may just be a very good friend and not want anything to happen. Honestly, you can never really be sure unless they come right out and say it!

Go with your gut instint :) x

god only knows . from misleading and misunderstandings in past experiences .. i would suggest .. ask outright if you want/need to know . dont assume anything . whats obvious in one persons mind can be hard to read an misleading to another . very much so

lovable_Rogue wrote:

how do you tell if someone who seems friendly is actually hoping something more will develop?

Good post, LR. It's from the heart..... and it makes one think!

My guess is..... 1) you are physically attractive or otherwise charismatic. 2) when you talk to people, you do a lot of smiling and/or make prolonged eye contact.

I suspect you're a bit of a heart-breaker.... guys fall for you, hopefully express their interest, then get the brush-off.

Take a look at your last line, quoted above. It gives the impression that 'nice' guys are friendly, but when they start hoping for something more, they are no longer 'nice' !! You really are a 'commitaphobic', as you admitted. This is something you need to think about..... because getting 'committed' can actually be a nice thing..... it enables you to get close to people.... and that can be mutually enriching. But of course it's got to be with men you are attracted to.

But maybe you do have boyfriends.... the problem you have is with men with whom you don't have any romantic interest (?)

Anyway, to answer your question: 'how do you tell if someone is hoping for something more than just being friends?' Well, someone who has just fallen for you, is going to give a lot of prolonged eye contact, eyeball to eyeball. He is going to be very attentive (not fiddling with his iphone). He's going to be very chatty and positive/smiley/laughy. He's going to seem very switched-on, because he's physiologically aroused.

How do I know? Because I've been there lots of times (as will most of the other guys in the Forum) and I know very well what it is to draw a blank with the woman in question.

I suggest that if you really find such attention from men to be 'uncomfortable', rather than 'sweet and flattering', then you need to work on your interpersonal skills, so that you don't come across as attractive/ intimate/ approachable. But I must point out that you are lucky to get male attention.... there's plenty of women who would love to get it, but don't. And you too are going to be in the same boat when you get older and less attractive.

If it sound like I'm telling you off, then 'no offence'. I mean well !!

Almost any guy talking to you is working out the chances of nailing you (even if the chances are negligable).

If, as Life Bouy suggests, you are rather flirty, lots of touching, lots of smiles, lots eye contact, those (percieved) chances of nailing you are going to spike.

KebertXela wrote:

Almost any guy talking to you is working out the chances of nailing you (even if the chances are negligable).

If, as Life Bouy suggests, you are rather flirty, lots of touching, lots of smiles, lots eye contact, those (percieved) chances of nailing you are going to spike.

Well put, KX. But it should be stressed that men MIGHT be interested in 'nailing' a woman when they chat, but this more of a younger man thing. And then only if they find the woman reasonably attractive (unless they are mentally over-sexed.... and sex-starved..... in which case, pretty much anything 'female' will do)

MrBumcheeks wrote:

Ask him.

Seriously, what could be a better method than that? :)

There is something in this. I'm reminded of when I was on a Thai beach last year. There was a really cute german lass, who when she talked to you, fixed you with soft eyes and a gaze that said 'I really love you' !

I was starting to think..... 'My God, I think something could happen here!' (Me 50's, she 20's..... self delusion or what !!). Anyway, she, perceiving my interest, said 'I have to be careful, because I often give men the wrong idea by the way I look at them'. In an instant, everything was clear, and it was made so in the nicest possible way. .... and we continued to be good friends for the days that followed.

Just wondering if you are going out with these guys alone cause that will straight away give a sense of intimacy and might send the wrong message to them? I avoid going out alone with certain friends for just that reason - they take it the wong way.

Lifebuoy wrote:

MrBumcheeks wrote:

Ask him.

Seriously, what could be a better method than that? :)

There is something in this. I'm reminded of when I was on a Thai beach last year. There was a really cute german lass, who when she talked to you, fixed you with soft eyes and a gaze that said 'I really love you' !

I was starting to think..... 'My God, I think something could happen here!' (Me 50's, she 20's..... self delusion or what !!). Anyway, she, perceiving my interest, said 'I have to be careful, because I often give men the wrong idea by the way I look at them'. In an instant, everything was clear, and it was made so in the nicest possible way. .... and we continued to be good friends for the days that followed.

German women are like that....I love em all

Thanks for the advice everyone. I do have a tendancy to flirt or to be 'too attentive' when not really intending it to mean I'm interested. The guy I have this issue with atm I actually haven't seen for a couple of years and we're only chatting via the internet but he seems to message me every day. He says he's bored but I wonder what it is that made him pick me to chat to since we were never close when we did see each other. Maybe I wouldn't be so worried if I didn't suspect he had a crush on me back then but I also had completely forgotten about it.

It is going to be extra hard to tell if a bloke is interested when it is online as you cant judge his body language or tone of voice either.

I would guess the signs would be over attentiveness and seeming to wanna speak to you most free minutes he has. Asking personal questions about your love life (Got a boyfriend? Seeing anyone? Interested in anyone?) Trying a tad too hard to be nice. (Gunna get lynched from the guys now) but offering to help you with problems, fix things for you, take you out to cheer you up, lend you something you need...whatever, just going out of his way to get into your good books. Laughing too much at everything you say, trying to appease and please you by agreeing with a lot of things you say or if he does have a difference of opinion he might even tone it down or make light of it by saying things like well....its okayy I guess. generally just trying to put across to you that he would be an ideal partner or hook up because you are so alike. Pushing any similarities and turning them into something special (OMG you like that band too! I cant believe it, we should go to a gig or something) Saying "we" a lot like he has already paired you up in his mind, rather than you and me. Trying to turn the conversation cheeky or flirty. Trying to big himself up in lots of ways (Although this in itself is just a man thing lol) complimenting you on everything, ermmmmm

Yeh hope this helps a bit. I dont think just one of these things alone means he deffo wants more but multiples maybe. I guess the only true way to know is ask though. Good luck x

lovable_Rogue wrote:

Thanks for the advice everyone. I do have a tendancy to flirt or to be 'too attentive' when not really intending it to mean I'm interested. The guy I have this issue with atm I actually haven't seen for a couple of years and we're only chatting via the internet but he seems to message me every day. He says he's bored but I wonder what it is that made him pick me to chat to since we were never close when we did see each other. Maybe I wouldn't be so worried if I didn't suspect he had a crush on me back then but I also had completely forgotten about it.

If you are worried about this guy's true motives..... is he being just friendly, or is he after you.... you can just pull a bluff to test him. Just say you aren't into men and relationships at the moment. If he IS after you, he'll push you on why that's so, then having satisfied himself you're a 'time-waster' he'll wander off somewhere else in cyberspace.

It is super hard to tell online, Fluffbags but those points are all really usefull. Thank you, I will look out for them. Some I've noticed but it's very hard to interpret someone's words/actions when you're not looking into their face.

Lifebuoy, that is actually a good idea and I may try that. I think half the reason I do attract men sometimes is because I really am not interested in a relationship. When compared to most women who are looking for love i'm incredibly relaxed and not in the slightest clingy or pushy.

MrBumCheeks I'm not at all offended. I think this has a lot to do with it. The guy I'm chatting used to be quite shy around people so I think the fact that he knew me before and I'm a non threatening girl makes me a good person to talk to.

lovable_Rogue wrote:

. The guy I'm chatting used to be quite shy around people so I think the fact that he knew me before and I'm a non threatening girl makes me a good person to talk to.

That sounds bang-on, LR. Maybe no real intention to 'get you', just a bit lonely (.......but he probably wouldn't say 'no' if you WERE available).

I think the ruse I mentioned will confirm this. If he's not after you he'll still hang on in there...... and maybe you'll then have to think of another way to get him out of your in-box!

Ah, poor boy! And it IS really nice of you to give him a bit of friendship..... but be up-front.....don't let him make the mistake of thinking you might be romantically 'interested'. Once that's clearly established, you can relax (!) : )