Ashe66 wrote:
Subs probably very rarely, if ever, really have all the power... it's a rather common misconception, but for the average dom/sub relationship, both people are equal, subs can say no and even safe word, but so can the dom.
(It's actually sometimes considered that an abusive sub is more dangerous than an abusive dom).
Speaking of safe words, another thing to note, many doms etc will not even consider the use of one, stating that if you can't just tell them when you need to stop, they don't want to play with you, but it's different with every relationship.
Degradation and humiliation come in all sorts of forms, I knew a guy who was extremely in to it, he needed someone who genuinely hated him, was willing to blackmail and extort him, any sort of empathy or niceness towards him would totally ruin it for him, but to most people, even in the BDSM community, this would be considered abusive, but the issue is when people forget this isn't the same world the average person walks in, what we do is mostly illegal in many cases to start with, so the line between consent and blatant abuse is often blurry, at worst non existent.
I see there being probably 3 different generalized kinds of kinky people, the first are those who just do it in the bedroom, probably just for fun, the second are your general 24/7 ish people, the third are those who will truly take the âno rights no limitsâ thing to the extreme, each could include humiliation or degradation, but only the third would likely truly mean it.
I'd say the third level are happy and always consenting... but generally the point is making someone unhappy, I knew of a guy who years later was contacted by a pro dom he'd seen, she invited him out to dinner, she still had the photos he'd let her take and casually mentioned they could be posted to his Facebook etc, he loved it and he kept taking her to the same restaurant once a month, you hear a lot of people in chastity with discomfort or even serious injury being told to stop whining about it, in some cases this is blatant stupidity, as in the dom doesn't know what their doing, but in others it's intentional to remind the sub/slave of their place.
Ultimately it's up to you what you are happy to do and more importantly not do.
I believe submission is power....NOT that subs have all the power. This would be considered topping from the bottom...I think. A healthy D/s relationship is equal, or should be, in terms of needs being met, concerns being addressed and more...but within a scene, the submissive has a powerful final say should they need to use it.
Abuse is abuse in any relationship....no matter how you label it...D/s or not and it can come from either side of any coin, either gender, either partner. I don't see how one form of abuse could ever be classed as more dangerous or more urgent than another. Abuse is bad to anyone suffering.
Finally, regarding safe words - People often use a safe word so that they can feel free to call out words such as "Stop" (It may even be part of their fantasy) some may not - and "stop" might be their safe word (Either way, its still a signal to stop) if you ever meet a dom to begin playing and he says he doesnt want to use any kind of safe words - run! If he has no respect for your bounderies....run! While I will concede that some couples drop the safeword after getting into a long term relationship, building up knowledge and ultimate trust and knowing their partners reactions and body language etc and they choose to, that is their choice, but a new partnership? I would not get involved with any Dom who told me my safeword didnt matter otherwise I wasn't being a "Twue sub"
If you are in any relationship where the line between consent and blatent abuse is blurry or non existant. This is just...not healthy D/s. The simple truth is if you do something to somebody that they did not consent to - then that is crossing the line. However, if you sat down, communicated and agreed on your limits and have the safeword in place...you are defining your line...making your limits clear and yes, sometimes things can pop up that are unexpected, or unintentional, but you would discuss this, work through it, draw more lines in the sand and re-evaluate. In abuse, you do not have this control or power to say "I do not want that", nor did you give consent. The bad kind of hurt is done to you intentionally by another with the purpose to make you feel bad, rather than good. D/s is about mutually building trust in a relationship, abuse is about tearing that down.
And for some, being made to feel bad, makes them feel good. However, they ultimately ask to be treated this way, normally laying down again, their lines in the sand and having the power to safe word or walk away if the other person is abusive.
The sub should always be able to come forth with serious concerns (such as the pain or damage to his genitals in your chastity scenario) and tell his D type the issues. If it really was a case of the Dominant ignoring health risks or serious damage (to which he did not consent) then he has that power to say "Sorry, this is over" and walk away.
Despite that, I understand that some people can become so involved in the emotions of it all that they would allow themselves to be pushed into levels of discomfort for their D type. Like someone else here said, the safe word itself can become a complex issue, when subs are in sub space, pushing themselves for their Dom. It is just as much the responsibility of the dominant to be watching for this. Building over time together and learning your partners reactions, knowing when they are in that state of being unable to call, but pushed to their limits. The D-type should be aware of this and constantly watching, asking questions, checking in. Both players need to have the other persons safety, health and overall happiness in mind, but just like in vanilla relationships, the possibility to abuse is there.
Just like a normal relationship...sometimes it is clear you are not compatible or good for each other.
Imo - D/s is about buildin a controlled environment to have fun. Abuse is just out of control ehaviour designed to hurt. There is no respect or consideration in abuse.
So imo - you can define many differences between Abuse and BDSM.
I found an interesting article defining the differences here:
http://www.sirbamm.com/smvabuse.html