Hi LH fam,
I know there are other similar posts, but all issues are unique so I hoped I might get some advice from y’all.
Background: My OH & I are mid-40’s, married 20 years and both know we’re ‘The One’. We don’t have children, sex is great when we have it … and I’m primary housekeeper. She’s got it good!! (honestly, she says she won the “husband lottery)
Outside of sexual activity and communication right now, things are great. But sex and intimate connection are huge for me, and that’s where I’m/we’re struggling a bit.
When we first met, the sex was incredible, regular, and I was in no doubt my OH desired me … of course things naturally ‘slow’ but I wasn’t expecting they would slow quite as much or leave me feeling so down so often.
I’ve spent the last 15+ years trying to rekindle the flame, mostly alone. My OH struggles to talk about sex - it embarrasses her. She struggles to be naked with me unless it’s low-light, under covers, and she feels self-conscious re: receiving oral sex (which I’d LOVE to do more of).
I know I’ve made mistakes with how I’ve communicated too … we’re working on that.
Yet before me, my wife slept with 20-30 different guys and even shagged at least one complete stranger she met on the street while walking home one night.
When we first met, I was in a relationship. That didn’t stop my now-OH from trying to seduce me/sleep with me. When I became single, my wife pursued me, and I always felt desired by her. When we got together, we did all sorts of sexual things.
The thing that rattles around in my currently-insecure brain … how can a woman who can shag a total stranger, sleep with 20+ guys and pursue me like a seductive temptress now struggle to even let me know she wants sex or show me I’m desired?
She’s talked about pursuing other guys in the past, she’s cheated on guys and willingly been the ‘other woman’. I trust her but her awkwardness discussing sex often leaves me feeling like she’s hiding something, or holding back.
It’s not that I don’t believe her when she claims to have a lower libido per se, but sex drives can go up as well as down … and hers hasn’t always been an ‘issue’. When we do have sex it’s fantastic, and I’m trying to slowly introduce more & spice things up.
Am I crazy for having negative thoughts about things the way that I am? Honestly, the part that I really struggle with the most is just feeling that she gave more of herself to other guys than she gives me now.
I’m just battling icky thoughts too often atm, and don’t want to be. She’s the BEST lady, and I don’t think she has anything to be ‘ashamed’ of. If anything I love that she has at least been sex-positive in the past, and I just want to help her embrace that again with her current guy.
There isn’t much I wouldn’t do. I love giving pleasure, and have bought a number of toys which blow her mind. But with all of that, I still feel sexually and emotionally neglected quite often.